Cespedes BBQ Playoff Preview 2014: Keys To The Postseason

It’s that time of year again. The air is crisp, October awaits, and the postseason is finally here. For most of you this is a dark time as your beloved Mariners [TEAM OF CHOICE] have been agonizingly eliminated from postseason contention. But for some of you, October is a magical time filled with crushed hope, dried tears, and the sour taste of disappointment. Look on the bright side: there’s no way the World Series could be more blah than last season… *Prays fervently against inevitable Cardinals/Tigers World Series*

We here at the Cespedes Family Barbecue are very similar to the rest of the baseball universe in that we have absolutely no idea what is going to happen. What we do know however, is that each team has keys; Keys to the Playoffs, that is. Instead of actually analyzing and evaluating the playoff contenders, we decided to focus on the important things each team needs to do in order to ensure postseason success. These proverbial keys will unlock the proverbial doors of victory for the proverbial people handling said proverbial keys:

National League

Nationals (1) vs. Pirates/Giants

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Dodgers (2) vs. Cardinals (3)

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 American League

Angels (1) vs. Royals/A’s

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 Orioles (2) vs. Tigers (3)

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Happy we could help!

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Failed Prospects Throwing Dessert

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For those of you that don’t know there was a little incident last night involving Jesus Montero, a Mariners cross-checker, and an ice cream sandwich. You can read about the details here, but due to Montero’s act of decadent defiance, something more important is sweeping the nation. Failed prospects around the country, nay, around the globe, are taking up arms against baseball’s scouting aristocracy. These are pictures of said failed prospects throwing desserts:

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Former Rockies prospect Greg Reynolds chucks some chocolate milk

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Matt Anderson, Tigers savior of the late 90’s, whips a chunk of peanut brittle

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Two-way superstar Adam Loewen says “Happy Birthday”

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Devil Rays righty Dewon Brazelton heaves an entire fondue fountain at an unsuspecting area scout

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America’s favorite failed prospect, Brett Jackson, unleashes America’s favorite dessert, the firecracker.

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Former Pirates top prospect Bryan Bullington serves up some bananas foster

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Tim Beckham throws some…… brownies.

30 Ways the Rockies “Tulowizki” Giveaway Could Have Gone Worse

Earlier today, the Twitter universe learned of the Rockies giveaway disaster. They managed to spell the name of their superstar wrong on all X number of free jerseys they gave away to their home fans. Tulowizki. Troy Tulowizki! No, seriously, Troy Tulowizki:

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsShortly after, we saw this wonderful tweet from Mr. Grant Brisbee:

It got us thinking. The Rockies sure messed up, but it could have been a lot worse for some other teams.

Baltimore Orioles

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New York Yankees

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Boston Red Sox

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Toronto Blue Jays

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Tampa Bay Rays

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Fixing the Baseball Hall of Fame

Since the vote was revealed last month, constant discussions and arguments over who should and shouldn’t have been voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame have occurred. A large portion of our internet compadres believe this year’s class of Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and Frank Thomas was far too small. Clearly, many other deserving candidates belong in the Hall. People are starting to worry if some of these superstars are ever going to make it into the Hall of Fame. We decided to speed things up.

What follows is somewhat inspired by an old Jeff Sullivan tweet.

(Note: former podcast guest Scott Weber now runs Lookout Landing, so it looks like he wrote the tweet. But he didn’t. He’s not that funny.)

What a brilliant idea. Barry Bonds should probably just go to the Hall of Fame. Unfortunately, he’s too busy biking and holding adorable dogs. Luckily, we can just put him, along with the large group of other deserving candidates, into the Hall of Fame.

Let’s fix this mess.

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Craig Biggio, Mike Piazza, and Barry Bonds finally made it to the Hall of Fame. Piazza looks exhausted.

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Tim Raines stands confidently inside the Hall of Fame. Slammin’ Sammy is jumping for joy because he’s finally in the Hall of Fame.

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A young Barry Bonds casually leans against a pillar inside the Hall of Fame. An even younger Sammy Sosa and Piazza pretend they’re still in the big leagues. Jeff Bagwell is relaxing on a bench in the Hall of Fame. Edgar Martinez has fallen and he can’t get up…but at least he’s in the Hall of Fame. 

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Team Cuba Takes Sochi

Unless you live in a cave or in North Korea, you probably know that the Winter Olympics are going on right now in Sochi, Russia. While there are 88 different countries participating, there seems to be one country receiving less media attention than the rest: Cuba. Sure, there have been some political kerfuffles, and yes, it’s not that cold in the Caribbean, but the Cuban national Olympic team deserves more recognition. Don’t worry peons, the BBQ is here to offer up unmatched coverage of all things Cuba:

Downhill Skiing

Cuba Downill

Free agent Kendrys Morales takes some time off from contract negotiations and hits the slopes in the downhill for Team Cuba

Figure Skating

Cuba Ice Skating

Our hero Yoenis Cespedes and his partner Leonys Martin go for the Flying Lotus in figure skating pairs

Ski Jumping

Cuba Ski Jump

 New White Sox slugger Jose Dariel Abreu catches some air in the men’s ski jumping competition. Who needs a helmet anyway?

Speed Skating

Cuban Speed Skating

Martin, Yasiel Puig, and Yuniesky Betancourt get down and dirty on the ice. Yuni is bringing up the rear of course

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Pitchers React to Barry Bonds

So you might not have heard, but I’m a big fan of Barry Bonds. Last month, I wrote about my 25 favorite Barry Bonds facts for Michael Clair’s blogathon. This time, I did very little writing at all.

Something fun to watch on home run replays is the victimized pitcher’s immediate reaction. I quickly found that pitchers who gave up monstrous home runs to Barry Bonds had a fascinatingly wide range of reactions.

MLB.com recently added video of every single home run that Barry Bonds hit into McCovey Cove, as well as all of his milestone home runs. Naturally, I went back and watched all of them once or a thousand times, and I observed the humans around Barry Bonds the instant he hit the dinger.

These are their stories (in a series of blurry screenshots).

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We Gave the St. Louis Cardinals Beards

The Red Sox beards have become a team symbol. But what if the Cardinals abandoned their “Cardinal Way” and grew some scruff?

Pitchers

John Axford Beard

John Axford

Randy Chote Beard

Randy Choate

Lance Lynn Beard

Lance Lynn

Joe Kelly Beard

Joe Kelly

Seth Maness Beard

Seth Maness

Edward Mujica Beard

Edward Mujica

Kevin Seigrist Beard

Kevin Siegrist

Adam Wainwright Beard

Adam Wainwright

Michael Wacha Beard

Michael Wacha

Trevor Rosenthal Beard

Trevor Rosenthal

Catchers

Tony Cruz

Tony Cruz

Yadier Molina

Yadier Molina

Infielders

Daniel Descalso

Daniel Descalso

Pete Kozma

Pete Kozma

Matt Adams

Matt Adams

Matt Carpenter

Matt Carpenter

David Freese

David Freese

Allen Craig

Allen Craig

Kolten Wong

Kolten Wong

Outfielders

Adron Chambers Beard

Adron Chambers

Jon Jay

Matt Holliday

Carlos Beltran

Shane Robinson

WAIT WE LEFT SOMEONE OUT. SORRY CARLOS MARTINEZ

Carlos Martinez

Carlos Martinez

Oh wait, did I forget Shelby Miller? You can just call me Mike Matheny.

Happy World Series.