Jose Bautista’s Most Outrageous Follows

As you may or may not know, Joey Bautista follows over 147,000 people on Twitter. Following someone on Twitter usually means that you are interested in what they have to say. I hope for Joey’s sake that this is not the case for his account. Here are some of Bautista’s best follows of the last couple weeks:

Screen Shot 2014-02-26 at 9.59.14 PM

This one makes a bit of sense seeing as baseball “his life.” You’d think a true baseball fan would be wearing a baseball shirsey in his header photo. He’s also quite the friendly lad, offering up his phone number for all of those who have yet to meet Mr. Blow-Me.

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Chicago Cubs Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read all of our other shirsey lists. 
Click here to read the Cubs BP Top 10 Prospects.

 

Wood, Quade, Starlin, Prior, and Campana write-ups are courtesy of Brett Taylor of Bleacher Nation. He knows a few things about the Cubs. We like him. Follow him on Twitter @BleacherNation. 

System Quote: “106 years is like, a long time.”

Cubs Top Ten:

  1. Kerry Wood Tank Top
  2. Green Samardzija
  3. Mike Quade
  4. Neon Starlin
  5. Mark Prior
  6. Tony Campana
  7. Carlos Marmol
  8. Sammy Sosa
  9. Bryan LaHair
  10. Ryan Theriot

Screen Shot 2014-02-03 at 4.02.43 PM1. Kerry Wood Tank Top

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item ”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kerry Wood would carry wood.

Strengths: This tank is like a mullet in both directions – it’s a party in the front and the back. Additional strengths include: breathability, armpit exposability, possible see-through-ability.

Weaknesses: The tank is technically for women, which means you – the man who has clearly purchased it for yourself – may have to explain the fit. But, you know what? If a little of your midriff shows, the squares’ll just have to deal. You didn’t develop a gut that looks like a bowling ball is trying to escape from your belly button for nothing. You earned this moment.

Overall Future Potential: Borderline 6; hit the weights for a few years, and this tank will be the only thing standing between you and the many ladies of your dreams.

Realistic Role: 4; worn around the house when no clean shirts can be found, or if ah-what-the-hell-it’s-at-the-top-of-the-pile.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the shoulder areas, while tastefully slim to maximize tan lines and shoulder hair expression, are rather thin. Tearing, and forcible toga-ing, are a serious concern.

The Year Ahead: There will be so much beer spilled on the front of this tank it’ll look like the cub bear in the logo isn’t house-trained. But that’s really the message you’re going for anyway: you can’t tame a wild beast.

Wardrobe ETA: As soon as someone needs directions to the gun show.

Screen Shot 2014-02-03 at 4.07.05 PM2. Green Samardzija

Size: M

 Current Status: No longer available

 Website: eBay

 Price: $8.99 + $5.95 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Would be a great Retro wear, or collectible, you decide.”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Trade rumors weren’t the only thing swirling around Jeff’s head as he fell off his bike and saw cartoon stars a couple of times last year.

Strengths: Highest scoring name in scrabble in all of  MLB. Perfect color scheme for Christmas or that Mexican pride parade or that Italian pride parade and probably nothing else ever.

Weaknesses: Green shirseys for players without any semblance of Irish heritage is just plain old stupid. Unless its for the A’s.

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll be the coolest guy in parties when you make everyone pronounce the name on your back.

Realistic Role: 5; those parties won’t be fun.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; who knows what could happen when so many letters are involved? DANGEROUS.

The Year Ahead: Sam R. Juh might get traded. He also might not. One thing’s for sure: his hair will stay wilder than a lion’s roar.

Wardrobe ETA: When you can spell Samardzija without looking.

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Team Cuba Takes Sochi

Unless you live in a cave or in North Korea, you probably know that the Winter Olympics are going on right now in Sochi, Russia. While there are 88 different countries participating, there seems to be one country receiving less media attention than the rest: Cuba. Sure, there have been some political kerfuffles, and yes, it’s not that cold in the Caribbean, but the Cuban national Olympic team deserves more recognition. Don’t worry peons, the BBQ is here to offer up unmatched coverage of all things Cuba:

Downhill Skiing

Cuba Downill

Free agent Kendrys Morales takes some time off from contract negotiations and hits the slopes in the downhill for Team Cuba

Figure Skating

Cuba Ice Skating

Our hero Yoenis Cespedes and his partner Leonys Martin go for the Flying Lotus in figure skating pairs

Ski Jumping

Cuba Ski Jump

 New White Sox slugger Jose Dariel Abreu catches some air in the men’s ski jumping competition. Who needs a helmet anyway?

Speed Skating

Cuban Speed Skating

Martin, Yasiel Puig, and Yuniesky Betancourt get down and dirty on the ice. Yuni is bringing up the rear of course

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Los Angeles Dodgers Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Dodgers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Kershaw Irish, Ethier, Pierre, Maddux, and Jones write-ups are courtesy of Mike Petriello of Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness. Mike writes for all of the websites. You can and should follow him on Twitter by clicking here.

System Quote: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me, PUIG.”

Dodgers Top Ten:

  1. Kershaw Women’s Irish
  2. Ethier Lakers
  3. Neon Yellow Kershaw
  4. Moker
  5. Juan Pierre
  6. Manny Ramirez
  7. Greg Maddux
  8. Andruw Jones
  9. Viva Puig
  10. Shawn Green

Screen Shot 2014-01-27 at 12.43.09 PM1. Kershaw Women’s Irish

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.99

 eBay Description: “Ladies Majestic Dodgers CLAYTON KERSHAW Baseball Jersey Shirt Green”

The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 4+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Won his second Cy Young, crushed a dinger on Opening Day while pitching a shutout, signed with the Dodgers for all of the dollars (fine, that was early 2014, whatever), went to Africa to assist the needy, saved some kittens from a fire at the kitten orphanage, probably.

Strengths: This shirt is Irish, for some reason, and also “WOMENS Ladies.” This shirt panders to multiple groups at once! That’s an 80 shirt.

Weaknesses: Could Clayton Kershaw fill a wallet with so much money that even he could not lift it? No? Then he has literally zero weaknesses.

Overall Future Potential: 2; I don’t imagine most women want to have to worry about their shirt opting out on them.

Realistic Role: 6; Sigh. No matter how awful this shirt is — and it is — it’s almost impossible to be wearing a Clayton Kershaw shirt and be wrong.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; is it possible to be the kind of woman who would wear this shirt and not end up getting cut in a bar fight?

The Year Ahead: If you wear this jersey, you’ll be as good as Kershaw is too! Except no, you won’t, that’s not how clothing works, you slob.

Wardrobe ETA: March 16, every year. Because if you’re wearing this shirt, you’re the person who wears green once a year on a particular holiday, but also the person who gets the date of St. Patrick’s Day wrong.

Screen Shot 2014-01-27 at 12.46.39 PM2. Ethier Lakers

Size: L

 Current Status: No longer listed

 Website: eBay

 Price: $7.99 + $4.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “No rips, stains or odors”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; ??? design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Set the record for most trade rumors by a player who continues to not get traded. Congratulations!

Strengths: This shirt has “No rips, stains or odors.” Neither does Andre Ethier.

Weaknesses: If you wear this shirt, you will become unable to hit left-handed pitching, or talk to left-handed women, or laugh at Ned Flanders, or fight socalism.

Overall Future Potential: 8; everyone thinks Ethier is going to be wearing a different color than blue at some point, so why not start now.

Realistic Role: High 5; this shirt will think it should be in your every shirt rotation, but it’s going to get used a bit less than it thinks it should, until eventually you and the shirt have it out and realize you can’t live without each other.

The Year Ahead: Ethier will continue to play point guard for the Lakers before reporting to Dodger camp. That’s how this works, right?

Wardrobe ETA: 2014. Hey, over the last year, we’ve heard rumors about Ethier maybe going to the Mariners and the Orioles and the Mets and the Red Sox and on and on, so is it really unreasonable to think the Lakers is where he goes? Get ahead of the curve here.

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Arizona Diamondbacks Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Diamondbacks BP Top 10 Prospects.

Williams, Johnson, Reynolds, Gonzalez, and Counsell write-ups are courtesy of diarrhea. And by diarrhea I mean @diarrhea. We thank him. 

System Quote: “Sticking with a marriage. That’s true grit, man.”

Diamondbacks Top Ten:

  1. Matt Williams
  2. Randy Johnson
  3. Mark Reynolds
  4. Luis Gonzalez
  5. Craig Counsell
  6. David Dellucci
  7. Augie Ojeda
  8. Troy Glaus
  9. Ryan Roberts
  10. Richie Sexson

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.34.19 AM1. Matt Williams

Size: M

 Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “A PORTION OF EVERY SALE GOES TO SUPPORT JUNIOR GOLF PROGRAMS ACCROSS THE NATION.”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Matt insists he is the Diamondbacks’ Special Assistant General Partner but GM Michael Scott Towers insists he’s Special Assistant to the General Partner.

Strengths: Baldness (when you’re late to work and don’t have time to comb your hair).

Weaknesses: Baldness (when you’re late to work and you have to put sunblock on your pasty egg-like dome to keep it from frying).

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll always be able to get to 3rd base with a girl while wearing this, and being fairly balding.

Realistic Role: 3; you’re wearing a Matt Williams (who was/is bald) Diamondbacks shirsey. People will question your decision making process immediately.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Anything you do while wearing this might end up in the Mitchell Report or in a Bosley flyer as the before pic retroactively.

The Year Ahead: Gonna get balder.

Wardrobe ETA: Bald.

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 11.38.52 AM2. Randy Johnson

Size: YM

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $0.99 + $3.00

 eBay Description: “17 pit to pit”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Got angrier and surlier probably.

Strengths: Ability to tell anyone “don’t talk back to me” and “knock it off, alright?” without recourse. Bosses, grandmas, you name it.

Weaknesses: You so much as toss your keys to someone and a bird is gonna die. Playing catch with your kid could result in a veritable sparrow holocaust. Good job, bird murderer. Birderer.

Overall Future Potential: 4; you’re wearing the jersey of someone that went by the nickname “the Big Unit.” Good luck bringing a girl home from the bar and not being a gigantic disappointment, pinkypecker.

Realistic Role: 3; Randy Johnson had the complexion of an osage orange and no chin. Put it back in your drawer and pick a better looking player’s shirsey, rookie.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Your back is gonna hurt constantly. Invest in Doan’s and Tiger Balm.

The Year Ahead: Don’t talk back to me.

Wardrobe ETA: Knock it off, alright?

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San Francisco Giants Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Giants BP Top 10 Prospects.

Bonds, Lincecum, Posey, Roward, and Cepeda write-ups are courtesy of SB Nation MLB overlord, Grant Brisbee. You already follow him on Twitter. 

System Quote: “Also, this story is about Barry Bonds’s Baseball Reference page, and I’m calling it a ‘she’ because I want to have sex with it.”

Giants Top Ten:

  1. Barry Bonds
  2. Irish Heritiage Brian Wilson
  3. Patriot Lincecum
  4. Buster Posey Tweetup Shirt
  5. Omar Vizquel 
  6. Noah Lowry
  7. Aaron Rowand
  8. Camo Orlando Cepeda
  9. Chevrolet
  10. Aubrey Huff

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.46.51 PM1. Barry Bonds

 Size: L

 Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.99 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “As one of the longest-established baseball teams, they have won the most games of any team in the history of American baseball, and any North American professional sports team.”

 The Tools: 2 derp; 8 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He slipped again in the rankings of “Best Hitter Alive,” dropping to seventh place.

Strengths: His strength

Weaknesses: Being a human, dammit. Being a human being. Being insecure and unwilling to look the other way when the world was making out with Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. You aren’t so different, you smug bastard. YOU AREN’T SO DIFFERENT.

Overall Future Potential: 8; If you want a shirt that says, “I’m a Giants fan. Also, fuck you”, you aren’t doing better than this shirsey. Unless you actually print those exact words on a shirsey. Which would be rad.

Realistic Role: 8; Something to wear when you’re a groomsman or bridesmaid, even if you have to put it over the stupid clothes they’re expecting you to wear.

Risk Factor/Injury History: If you think “done getting swole” is an injury, then, yeah, you’ll get injured. You’ll done get swole if you wear this. So big.

The Year Ahead:  Still the best hitter ever.

Wardrobe ETA:  2089 (Cooperstown only)

 Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.50.24 PM2. Irish Heritiage Brian Wilson

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $12.99 + $4.99

 eBay Description: About the seller:  “esdeadjim” is not a hulking faceless unsmiling weasel-like international corporate conglomerate; he is a carbon-based two-legged humanoid with an unceasing desire to fix & feed his kingdom of feral cats.  Pulled from the smoldering wreckage of a rocket ship from the planet Absurdia, “esdeadjim” sprung from his meager beginnings to procure treasures from near and far to offer them at reasonable prices to the good citizens of Planet eBay.

 The Tools:  7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Brian Wilson returned to the baseball world as a legitimate bullpen option. Brian Wilson also went to Australia where he was lucky enough to run into me.

Strengths: I didn’t actually know that Brian Wilson was of Irish decent, but I can’t say I’m surprised. If Brian Wilson were to wear this shirt at an Irish pub, I assume he could drink an irresponsible amount of beer. That’s just the magic of the Irish I guess.

Weaknesses: Comparisons to leprechauns. Cops mistaking you for the actual Brian Wilson. Better ways to express pride for Irish heritage include, but are not limited to, eating a potato, drinking Jameson, and not wearing this shirt.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if worn at an Irish pub in San Francisco that Brian Wilson stumbles into at 1 in the morning, expect a raucous rest of your evening.

Realistic Role: 5; you probably shouldn’t be wearing a shirsey to a bar in the first place now should you? Have some class why dontcha.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; when you put this shirt on you should expect your evening to end in a hospital visit.

The Year Ahead: Shirsey should maintain its value if Wilson doesn’t denounce his Irish heritage, which is a legitimate possibility.

Wardrobe ETA: Whenever you feel like respecting your, or Brian Wilson’s ancestors.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.54.25 PM3. Patriot Lincecum

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $16.99 + $5.99

 eBay Description: “I usullay ship next day”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Patriot Lincecum threw a no-hitter. Patriot Lincecum walked everyone. Patriot Lincecum watched all of Miyazaki’s movies in one off day and ordered out.

Strengths: Murica

Weaknesses: That annoying “flag code” that states “The flag should not be used as “wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery” and “The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform.” Bunch of nancies came up with that steaming pile of bureaucracy, I’m sure.

Overall Future Potential: High 5. Shirseys used to be the best! Now they’re fodder for stupid satire pieces on blogs. Like this.

Realistic Role: 5. It’s for when you want to let your blind date know that you’re a little counterculture, but a little patriotic, too.

Risk Factor/Injury History: 8. You don’t even have to ice the sleeves.

The Year Ahead: It’ll cost too much, but you don’t want to see some Goodwill-shopping freak wear it, so you’re keeping it.

Wardrobe ETA:  2008 or so.

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Picking A New Twitter AVI For Masahiro Tanaka

If you belong to the popular social media site Twitter dot com and you follow a plethora of baseball related accounts, you may have been somewhat confused earlier this morning. Prized free agent pitcher, Masahiro Tanaka tweeted something in Japanese that was reportedly (Google) translated as “I have decided” or “I decided” or “I can’t decide.”

But once a variety of native Japanese speakers were awoken from their respective slumbers it was revealed that Tanaka’s tweet had nothing to do with free agency, or even baseball for that matter. You see, Mr. Tanaka wanted to select a new twitter avatar and just could not decide which picture to choose. So while the rest of the baseball internet is laughing at their own stupidity, I’ve decided to tackle the real issue here: that Masahiro is still stuck with his current Twitter AVI. Rather than doing something trivial with my time, I’m going to give the Japanese hide-slinger some options for a new Twitter avatar that helps him appeal to his new American fan base.

AVI Option #1: PRINCE OF DERP

Screen Shot 2014-01-21 at 11.42.44 AM

Overview: While Tanaka will never be able to overthrow the King of Derp, his majesty Jeff Karstens, this picture has the potential to thrust Tanaka into the higher rungs of the derp royal family. It also looks like Tanaka is trying to give someone a kiss, which would help him appeal to fans who would love some smooching time with Mr. Tanaka.

Appeals To: Ian and Riley from Productive Outs, fans of funny faces, and those desiring Mr. Tanaka’s kisses.

Does Not Appeal To: Those wishing to engage in staring contests, and derp detractors.

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San Diego Padres Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Padres BP Top 10 Prospects.

Carrasco, Gwynn, Winfield, Piazza, and Kouzmanoff write-ups are courtesy of Geoff Young of Baseball Prospectus. You can follow him on Twitter @ducksnorts. No, seriously. @ducksnorts. 

System Quote: “Petco. Where the pitchers who need to revive their career go.”

Padres Top Ten:

  1. Mat Latos
  2. Tenthman
  3. Carrasco?
  4. Ryan Klesko
  5. Bruce Bochy
  6. Tony Gwynn Jr.
  7. Dave Winfield
  8. Mike Piazza
  9. Mike Cameron
  10. Kevin Kouzmanoff

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 11.40.48 PM1. Mat Latos

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $29.99 + $4.60 Shipping

 eBay Description: Cool polyester material

 The Tools: 8 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mat Latos continued his rep as next years’ next big thing as he showed great potential but was always missing a bit of something.

Strengths: Aside from the female wearing no pants? There’s a ton to love here. Fantastic retro color combination of yellow and brown. The front says Eugene Emeralds even though the color scheme is classic Padres. The brown stripe on the sleeve is classy. Also did I mention the attractive lady without pants.

Weaknesses: Bi-Mart advertisement on lower bum keeps this shirsey from achieving elite level potential.

Overall Future Potential: 7: if you can peel off the Bi-Mart ad, you’ll have yourself a possible perennial all star.

Realistic Role: High 6; peeling that ad off isn’t worth your time. Also, you don’t get the woman with the shirsey.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; shirsey just looks really good.

The Year Ahead: If she continues working out that – oh you mean the shirsey? Um. Go Latos!

Wardrobe ETA: ASAP

Screen Shot 2014-01-16 at 11.44.40 PM2. Tenthman

 Size: Small

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $15.00 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: Era: 1977-1989 (Punk, New Wave, 80s)

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, if this shirsey is referring to the entire San Diego Padres fan base during the late 80’s, then one can assume that a lot of these people have grown up considerably. I would assume the majority of them still live in San Diego and are still madly in love with Tony Gwynn. And not the Tony Gwynn that appears later on this list.

Strengths: wow

much retro

so Tenthman

very Padres

Weaknesses: Tenthman is not a word or a name. It is just a thing that sports fans made up.  

Overall Future Potential: High 6; perfect for time traveling Padres dorks

Realistic Role: High 5; plus-plus derp keeps this shirsey’s floor considerably high

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey represents a lot of people and who knows how many of those people have been to prison?

The Year Ahead: Again, if time travel becomes possible, this shirsey might be the best gift for any 47 year old Padres fan that is sick and tired of watching Kyle Blanks sit on the bench.

Wardrobe ETA: 1988

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