ALEX RODRIGUEZ FAN FICTION

We were recording our weekly podcast segment with Lana earlier tonight and we started talking about if there were any A-Rod fan clubs. A Lana Berry google search and some internet tunneling later we found the greatest thing of all time.

This is a link to an A-Rod fan page written by someone named Angel that contains unreal “fun facts” about Alex like…Screen Shot 2015-04-09 at 9.36.55 PM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eventually we stumbled into some of Angel’s other works and we found the holy grail: A-Rod, Jeter, and Nomar fan fiction. You can tell it was written around 2003 because people are still paging each other instead of texting. The A-Rod ones are the best, but they’re all amazing. Here are some of the highlights:

Screen Shot 2015-04-09 at 9.34.38 PM

 

WHAT IS MORGAN FREEMAN DOING HERE

Screen Shot 2015-04-09 at 9.40.52 PMOf course A-Rod talks to his “sex organs”

Screen Shot 2015-04-09 at 9.44.25 PM

I WANT TO SMACK HIM THERE

Just read the whole thing people. Read it and love it.

2015 CFBBQ Road Trip

It’s that time of year again, ladies and gentlemen. Opening Day is right around the corner as the major and minor league seasons are set to start spectacularly soon. That means that the two of us will soon be embarking on our third annual CFBBQ SUMMER ROAD TRIP. *applause track* *balloons fall from ceiling* Two years ago, during the 2013 season we drove from our houses in DC to the Field of Dreams in Iowa and made our way back through Chicago and the Midwest League. Last year, we drove from DC to Texas and back, hitting up the Southern, South Atlantic, and Texas Leagues in the process. This year we decided to go even bigger, even further, and even longer.

On our first road trip, Jordan and I joked about one day doing a trip from Petco Park in San Diego to Safeco Field in Seattle. We laughed it off as a pipe dream; no way would we ever have the skills, smarts, or organization skills to pull that off. Well, we still don’t have any of those things, but we’re doing it anyway.

Just like last year, we’ll be writing all about the trip over at Baseball Prospectus. The plan is to put up a post a day chronicling our adventures. There’s a good chance we’ll set up some sort of meet up in at least one of the cities we come to. We love talking baseball and we hope to get the chance to do that with some of you guys.

San Diego to Seattle (All Times PT):

Thursday, May 21st: Chicago Cubs @ San Diego Padres – 6:10 PM

Friday, May 22nd: Visalia Rawhide (ARI) @ Lake Elsinore Storm (SD) – 6:00 PM

Saturday, May 23rd: San Diego Padres @ Los Angeles Dodgers – 7:10 PM

Sunday, May 24th: Inland Empire 66ers (LAA) @ Lancaster Jethawks (HOU) – 2:00 PM

Monday, May 25th: High Desert Mavericks (TEX) @ Bakersfield Blaze (SEA) – 12:00 PM

Tuesday, May 26th: Colorado Springs Sky Sox @ Las Vegas 51’s – 7:05

Wednesday, May 27th: Maybe Lake Elsinore Storm (SD) @ Inland Empire 66ers (LAA) – 3:05 PM but for sure San Jose Giants (SF) @ High Desert Mavericks (SEA) 6:35 PM

Thursday, May 28th: Detroit Tigers @ Anaheim Angels – 7:05

Friday, May 29th: Bakersfield Blaze @ Visalia Rawhide – 7:05

Saturday, May 30th: Lake Elsinore @ Stockton (OAK) – 7:00 PM

Sunday, May 31st: New York Yankees @ Oakland Athletics – 1:05 PM

Monday, June 1st: Pittsburgh Pirates @ San Fransisco Giants – 7:05 PM

Tuesday, June 2nd: Pittsburg Mettle @ Sonoma Stompers – 6:05

Wednesday, June 3rd: Driving day

Thursday, June 4th: Tampa Bay Rays @ Seattle Mariners – 7:10

Friday, June 5th: New Orleans Zephyrs @ Tacoma Rainiers – 7:05

Saturday, June 6th: Tampa Bay Rays @ Seattle Mariners – 7:10 (CespedesBBQ/Lookout Landing event prior to game)

Sunday, June 7th: Tampa Bay Rays @ Seattle Mariners – 1:10

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: San Francisco Giants

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Anal Pidgin

LF: Norway Checker Hay Yo Key

C: Puss Tarp Hussy

1B: Brown Down Bout

RF: Underpants

2B: Shop Hand Ink

3B: KCMG

SS: Bland Haunt Rockford

SP:  Maidstone Butt Corner

SP: Timid Son

SP: Make Gang

SP: Jacob Eevee

SP: Dim Lint Scone

Off-season Haiku

Even year champions!

Bumgarner is famous now

The Panda left you.

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Michael Morse off Tyler Chatwood – 458 feet

How many teams’ farthest home runs of 2014 have been to the opposite field? Still Coors, tho.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Brandon Belt off Bartolo Colon – 337 feet

The fact that they had time to change the camera angle before the ball landed shows how much hangtime this hilarious dinger had.
Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Mike Broadway
  • RHP Austin Fleet
  • LHP Braulio Lara
  • C Myles Schroder
  • C Eliezer Zambrano
  • 3B Reegie Corona
  • 2B Skyler Stromsmoe
  • 3B Kelby Tomlinson
  • LHP Keurin Feliz
  • RHP Nick Vander Tuig
  • SS Ydwin Villegas
  • OF Chuckie Jones
  • RHP Keury Mella
  • LHP Andrew Leenhouts
  • 3B Ryder Jones
  • 1B Skyler Ewing
  • SS Travious Relaford
  • OF Joneshway Fargas
  • OF Shilo McCall
  • RHP Rayan Hernandez
  • RHP Rodolfo Martinez
  • RHP Kendry Melo
  • RHP Nolan Riggs
  • C Kleiber Rivas
  • 2B Christian Lichtenthaler
  • LHP Deiyerbert Bolivar
  • RHP Jonathan Loaisiga
  • RHP Olbis Parra
  • LHP Prebito Reyes
  • RHP Reymi Rodriguez
  • RHP Raffi Vizcaino
  • RHP Weilly Yan
  • RHP Eduin Villa
  • C Mecky Coronado
  • C Alilzon Rodriguez
  • 3B Hengerber Medina
  • OF Stanly German
  • OF Yendrys Gonzalez
  • DH Raiby Barias

Three Bold Predictions

  • Knowing that no matter what they have no chance to win the World Series this year but that they will most certainly win it next year, the Giants trade away all their good players for prospects, cash, and Barry Bonds bobbleheads.
  • After injuries to Pence, Belt, and Casey McGehee, the Giants resign a 50-year old Bonds to play 1B. Bonds slashes .248/.489/.567.
  • Joe Panik does just that.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Minnesota Twins

mauer wow

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: Dance East Bandana

2B: Brain Toaster

1B: Gnome Hour

DH: Kin Dries Per Gas

RF: Toe Re-owner

3B: Trevor Plouffe

LF: Ass Waldorf Arse Here

C: Skirts Whose Hookah

SS: Dead Hardo Sex Crowbar

SP: Phyllis

SP: Swervings Antena

SP: Rink He Note Lasso

SP: Dom Alone

SP: Kale Gimp Son

Off-season Haiku

Full disclosure here…

I’ve absolutely no clue.

Right! They got Ervin!

Farthest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Andre Rienzo – 468 feet

This video begins with spectacular camera work quickly followed by not-so-spectacular camera work. It’s too bad we can’t see this ball off the bat, but my god did he clear the entire section of seats in right? Oswaldo ain’t messin’ around.
Shortest Home Run of 2014

Oswaldo Arcia off Mike Foltynewicz – 338 feet

That’s what you get for being the tiniest bit late on a 98 MPH fastball low and away: a home run!

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Mark Hamburger
  • SS Argenis Diaz
  • 3B Heiker Meneses
  • OF Mike Kvasnicka
  • RHP D.J. Baxendale
  • RHP Nick Burdi
  • RHP Tim Shibuya
  • 3B Niko Goodrum
  • LHP Mat Batts
  • C Alex Swim
  • SS Engelb Vielma
  • OF Tanner English
  • LHP Cameron Booser
  • RHP J.T. Chargois
  • RHP C.K. Irby
  • RHP Keaton Steele
  • C Brett Doe
  • 2B Will Hurt
  • LHP Onas Farfan
  • RHP Onesimo Hernandez
  • RHP Wilfredy Liranzo
  • RHP Callan Pearce
  • RHP Matz Schutte
  • LHP Michael Theofanopoulos
  • LHP Reyson Zoquiel
  • C Jarrard Poteete
  • C Rainis Silva
  • SS Zaino Henriquez
  • 3B Ruar Verkerk
  • OF Dubal Baez
  • OF Zach Granite
  • OF Amaurys Minier
  • RHP Robener Cabrera
  • RHP Brusdar Graterol
  • RHP Ramses Herrera
  • LHP Jadison Jimenez
  • RHP Johan Quezada
  • LHP Fredderi Soto
  • RHP Huascar Ynoa
  • C Darling Cuesto
  • OF Jet Hernandez

Three Bold Predictions

  • The Twins force center fielder Aaron Hicks to legally change his name to Byron Buxton-Minus-the-Hit-Tool-and-Other-Important-Baseball-Skills-Hicks in order to draw fan interest until the real Byron Buxton is ready to contribute.
  • Taking their affinity for soft-tossing, low-strikeout pitchers to the extreme, the Twins begin signing D3 relievers that top out around 80. Jake starts 25 games for the Twins before his arm falls off in August. He finishes the season with more Tommy John surgeries than strikeouts.
  • Torii Hunter tries to rob a homer, but used to the dimensions of the Metrodome he finds the underratedly enormous right field wall at Target Field rather difficult to jump to the top of. He could use some help.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: Hoes Race

C: Rust Helm Urchin

RF: Hoe Saber Teacher

1B: Ad Winning Corn Ass Yawn

3B: Joshed One Held Son

DH: Shushed In Smoke

LF: My Kales Hounders

2B: My Stir Is Stirs

CF: Dolt Dump Ump Pay

SP: Ray Dick

SP: Marked Barely

SP: Jew Watchings On

SP: Heroines Ant Chest

SP: Dan You’ll North

Off-season Haiku

Man who lives in van.

Stroman should have lived in van.

Maybe he’d be safe :(

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Juan Francisco off Junichi Tazawa – 467 feet

Someone give this man 500 god damn plate appearances.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Colby Rasmus off Craig Breslow – 340 feet

If you paused the video at 0:11, it’d be awfully difficult to convince someone that it was a home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Austin Bibens-Dirkx
  • RHP Tiago Da Silva
  • RHP Arik Sikula
  • 1B L.B. Dantzler
  • SS Shane Opitz
  • RHP Adonys Cardona
  • LHP Francisco Gracesqui
  • RHP Starlyn Suriel
  • 2B Jason Leblebijian
  • SS Dawel Lugo
  • 2B Dickie Joe Thon
  • OF Derrick Loveless
  • OF Chaz Frank
  • RHP Mark Biggs
  • RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
  • C Max Pentecost
  • SS Gunnar Heidt
  • 1B Ryan McBroom
  • 1B Rowdy Tellez
  • OF Boomer Collins
  • OF Roemon Fields
  • RHP Hansel Rodriguez
  • 2B Deiferson Barreto
  • SS Yeltsin Gudino
  • LHP Juliandry Higuera
  • LHP Kelyn Jose
  • RHP Luis Zerpa
  • 3B Bryan Lizardo

Three Bold Predictions

  • Jose Bautista starts bringing his phone out to right field with him in order to increase the rate at which he can find new random people to follow. Bautista posts the worst defensive season of his career, but becomes the most popular player in baseball anyway.
  • In the middle of the season that would give him 15 consecutive seasons with 200 innings pitched, Mark Buehrle suffers an arm injury and is forced to spend July and August on the DL. In order to get to the 200-inning mark, Buehrle returns in mid-September and starts every single game for the Blue Jays over the last two weeks. In game 162 with 191 innings pitched, Buehrle throws a complete game shutout…righty.
  • Daniel Norris wins the 5th starter spot, posts a sub-3 ERA, wins Rookie of the Year and is still referred known by most baseball fans as, “Oh, he’s the Van Guy”.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Pittsburgh Pirates

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

3B: Gosher Risen

RF: Craig Horny Pollen Co.

CF: Hand Room Ink Munchkin

2B: Wheel Knocker

LF: Czar Lint Marquee

1B: Paid Troll Varies

SS: Shorty Murder

C: Frown Cyst Coster Valley

SP: Carrot Goal

SP: Age Burnout

SP: Frown Cyst Crawl Hearing Honor

SP: Jay Flock

SP: Van Swirly

Off-season Haiku

Lose one good-framing

former Yankee catcher, eh?

Well, they got two more.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ike Davis off Josh Beckett – 450 feet

This home run would look significantly less impressive in Oakland.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Travis Snider off Tim Hudson – 334 feet

This home run would look significantly more impressive in Baltimore.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • 3B Deibinson Romero
  • OF Gorkys Hernandez
  • RHP Matt Benedict
  • C Dwight Childs
  • 2B Gift Ngoepe
  • RHP Yhonathan Barrios
  • RHP Jhondaniel Medina
  • RHP Tyler Sample
  • 1B D.J. Crumlich
  • OF Raul Fortunato
  • OF Jonathan Schwind
  • RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
  • C Kawika Emsley-Pai
  • SS JaCoby Jones
  • OF Maximo Rivera
  • RHP Montana DuRapau
  • RHP Sam Street
  • C Deybi Garcia
  • 2B Trace Tam Sing
  • RHP Marek Minarik
  • RHP Oderman Rocha
  • RHP Jonathan Sandfort
  • SS Trae Arbet
  • 2B Ulises Montilla
  • OF Enyel Vallejo
  • RHP Gage Hinsz
  • RHP Yunior Montero
  • LHP Horelbin Ramos
  • RHP Jandy Vasquez
  • SS Bealyn Chourio
  • OF Tito Polo
  • RHP Jherson Esqueda
  • RHP Yeudy Garcia
  • LHP Nestor Oronel
  • RHP Eumir Sepulveda
  • C Mikell Granberry
  • 1B Huascar Fuentes
  • 2B Raul Siri
  • OF Mister Luciano
  • OF Jeremias Portorreal
  • OF Sandy Santos
  • OF Edison Lantigua

Three Bold Predictions

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet

And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet

It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Misael Siverio
  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • 3B Yordi Calderon
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • 3B Zach Shank
  • OF Chantz Mack
  • OF Jabari Henry
  • OF Burt Reynolds
  • RHP Thyago Vieira
  • RHP Hawtin Buchanan
  • LHP Joselito Cano
  • RHP Jody Kerski
  • RHP Jeffeson Medina
  • RHP Lukas Schiraldi
  • OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
  • RHP Yohailys Millord
  • RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
  • RHP Ulises Perez
  • RHP Marvin Gorgas
  • C Wei Wang
  • SS Rayder Ascanio
  • 3B Lachlan Fontaine
  • 2B Kavin Keyes
  • OF Hersin Martinez
  • RHP Rigoberto Garcia
  • RHP Ugueth Urbina
  • OF Arby Fields
  • C Georvic Perez
  • SS Gianfranco Wawoe
  • LHP Melchor Urquides
  • LHP Romulo Manzueta
  • RHP Aneurys Zabala
  • SS Greifer Andrade
  • SS Johmbeyker Morales
  • OF Adalfi Almonte
  • LHP Liarvis Breto
  • RHP Wladimir Marruffo
  • RHP Paolo Padovani
  • C Geoandry Montilla
  • C Oberto Munoz
  • 3B Alexdray Laya
  • 2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

  • King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
  • Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
  • Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.

CFBBQ March Madness

Because I am a student-athlete and thus privy to all the rules and regulations of the NCAA, I am not allowed to gamble or wager on the NCAA basketball tournament in any way. This sucks a whole lot of butt. So instead of losing 20 dollars, I’ve decided to spread the love this year.

The winner of the CFBBQ pool will win a fitted CFBBQ hat and a guest appearance on the podcast. Second place gets a hat. Last place gets a free CFBBQ business card. Sucks.

There are three rules for the bracket. If your bracket does not follow these rules you are disqualified and thus ineligible for our lame prize:

  • You may not pick Kentucky to win a single game.
  • You must have a seed higher than 8 in your final four.
  • Your score for the championship game must be 169-69.

Here is the link for the CFBBQ March Madness bracket: http://games.espn.go.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/2015/en/group?groupID=797610

Happy Picking.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Kansas City Royals

Fatguykc_medium

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: A Seedy Sex Crowbar

LF: Alexa Garden

1B: Harry Kozma

DH: King Grease Moor Allies

C: Saliva Derp Ares

RF: Elixer Hijos

2B: Home Harry Fun Time

3B: Mice Mushed Tacos

CF: Lawrence OK

SP: Your Dong Oven Churro

SP: Trey Song Forge Ass

SP: Gare Meager Us Tree

SP: Adding Son Vole Quest

SP: Dandied Huffy

Off-season Haiku

Well, James Shields is gone.

It was fun while it lasted.

Edinson Volquez?!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Alex Gordon off Cody Allen – 462 feet

This was probably the pinnacle of the Royals’ regular season run, a game-tying dinger in a late August game on national television. It was also absolutely destroyed.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Salvador Perez off Kirby Yates – 338 feet

The left field line situation at Tropicana is arguably even stranger than the Pesky Pole in Fenway. What the hell is that platform even doing there?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Baumann
  • RHP Aroni Nina
  • OF Whit Merrifield
  • LHP Tripp Davis
  • RHP Benino Pruneda
  • 1B Mark Threlkeld
  • 2B Justin Trapp
  • LHP Jonathan Dzeidzic
  • LHP Felix Familia
  • RHP Brooks Pounders
  • RHP Glenn Sparkman
  • LHP Daniel Stumpf
  • OF Daniel Rockett
  • RHP Bryan Brickhouse
  • RHP Igol Feliz
  • RHP Robinson Yambati
  • OF Dexter Kjerstad
  • RHP Scott Blewett
  • LHP Enmanuel Camacho
  • LHP Estarlin Cordero
  • RHP Eric Sandness
  • LHP Dylan Sons
  • 2B D.J. Burt
  • 3B Manny Olloque
  • OF Amalani Fukofuka
  • OF Logan Moon
  • LHP Cruz Guevara
  • RHP Zach Lovvorn
  • LHP Eric Stout
  • SS Jeckson Flores
  • SS Marten Gasparini
  • 3B Wander Franco
  • OF DonAndre Clark
  • OF Brawlun Gomez
  • RHP Gerson Garabito
  • RHP Ofeidy Gomez
  • RHP Yimauri Pena
  • C Meibrys Viloria
  • 2B Offerman Collado
  • 1B Yorly Martinez
  • OF Jose Vital
  • OF Yeison Melo

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Terrence Gore makes the Opening Day roster as Kendrys Morales’ designated pinch-runner. Kendrys keeps Gore in his back pocket during at-bats and when he makes contact, he pulls him out and throws him towards first base.
  2. After successfully converting Below-Average Starter Wade Davis into All-Time Great Reliever Wade Davis, the Royals attempt to turn Below-Average Reliever Louis Coleman into All-Time Great Starter Louis Coleman. It doesn’t work.
  3. As a response to somewhat controversially stopping at third base in Game 7 of the World Series, Alex Gordon tries to score on every single ball he hits to the outfield during the year, leading to a record number of inside-the-park home runs and a litany of TOOTBLANs.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Los Angeles Dodgers

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: Chin Meat Raw Wings

LF: Call Call Fjord

CF: Your Seal Pig

1B: Aid Rye Angle Souls

C: Ass Money Grundel

2B: A Weak A Drink

3B: Wander eBay

RF: Shock Beaters On

SP: Cleat Honker Shoe

SP: Saw Cranky

SP: Inching Wee Who

SP: Bring Them Car Thief

SP: Bread Handers On

Off-season Haiku

Where did Matt Kemp go?

Drastic Front Office changes;

Bunch of fuckin’ nerds.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Hanley Ramirez off Jorge De La Rosa – 472 feet

Even in the rain, this was the 5th farthest home run in all of baseball in 2014. If Hanley hits one like that this year, the ball could go all the way to [insert Boston suburb you have the most family friends in]!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Scott Van Slyke off Wade Miley – 341 feet

The first thing you’ll notice is that they are playing the game in Australia. Remember that?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Red Patterson
  • 3B Buck Britton
  • SS Erisbel Arruebarrena
  • RHP Ralston Cash
  • RHP Raydel Sanchez
  • 1B O’Koyea Dickson
  • RHP Jharel Cotton
  • C Austin Chubb
  • 2B Casio Grider
  • 1B Justin Chigbogu
  • 1B Josmar Cordero
  • SS Faustino Oguisten
  • RHP Karch Kowalcyzk
  • RHP Abdiel Velasquez
  • C John Cannon
  • 3B Yensys Capellan
  • OF Billy Bereszniewicz
  • OF Andrew Godbold
  • RHP Danny Danielson
  • RHP Misja Harcksen
  • RHP Lenix Osuna
  • RHP Harlan Richter
  • RHP Sven Schuller
  • RHP Kam Uter
  • RHP M.J. Villegas
  • 1B Ibandel Isabel
  • OF Federico Celli
  • RHP Melvyn Forbes
  • LHP Osiris Ramirez
  • C Hendrik Clementina
  • C Gersel Pitre
  • C Alvaro Rubi
  • 3B Jimy Perez
  • OF Shakir Albert

Three Bold Predictions

  • In line with the organization’s new image the Dodgers formally change their name to the Los Angeles Nerds. The crowd chant of “LETS GO NERDS” during the playoffs inspires millions across the country.
  • Yasiel Puig finds a person named Cütof Mann and hits him in the face.
  • Juan Uribe hits a home run and consequently bat flips the bat over the center field wall. A little known MLB bylaw grants Uribe double the runs for his courageous display of raw strength.