Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Dodgers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Kershaw Irish, Ethier, Pierre, Maddux, and Jones write-ups are courtesy of Mike Petriello of Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness. Mike writes for all of the websites. You can and should follow him on Twitter by clicking here.

System Quote: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me, PUIG.”

Dodgers Top Ten:

1. Kershaw Women’s Irish
2. Ethier Lakers
3. Neon Yellow Kershaw
4. Moker
5. Juan Pierre
6. Manny Ramirez
7. Greg Maddux
8. Andruw Jones
9. Viva Puig
10. Shawn Green

1. Kershaw Women’s Irish

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.99

 eBay Description: “Ladies Majestic Dodgers CLAYTON KERSHAW Baseball Jersey Shirt Green”

The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 4+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Won his second Cy Young, crushed a dinger on Opening Day while pitching a shutout, signed with the Dodgers for all of the dollars (fine, that was early 2014, whatever), went to Africa to assist the needy, saved some kittens from a fire at the kitten orphanage, probably.

Strengths: This shirt is Irish, for some reason, and also “WOMENS Ladies.” This shirt panders to multiple groups at once! That’s an 80 shirt.

Weaknesses: Could Clayton Kershaw fill a wallet with so much money that even he could not lift it? No? Then he has literally zero weaknesses.

Overall Future Potential: 2; I don’t imagine most women want to have to worry about their shirt opting out on them.

Realistic Role: 6; Sigh. No matter how awful this shirt is — and it is — it’s almost impossible to be wearing a Clayton Kershaw shirt and be wrong.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; is it possible to be the kind of woman who would wear this shirt and not end up getting cut in a bar fight?

The Year Ahead: If you wear this jersey, you’ll be as good as Kershaw is too! Except no, you won’t, that’s not how clothing works, you slob.

Wardrobe ETA: March 16, every year. Because if you’re wearing this shirt, you’re the person who wears green once a year on a particular holiday, but also the person who gets the date of St. Patrick’s Day wrong.

2. Ethier Lakers

Size: L

 Current Status: No longer listed

 Website: eBay

 Price: $7.99 + $4.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “No rips, stains or odors”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; ??? design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Set the record for most trade rumors by a player who continues to not get traded. Congratulations!

Strengths: This shirt has “No rips, stains or odors.” Neither does Andre Ethier.

Weaknesses: If you wear this shirt, you will become unable to hit left-handed pitching, or talk to left-handed women, or laugh at Ned Flanders, or fight socalism.

Overall Future Potential: 8; everyone thinks Ethier is going to be wearing a different color than blue at some point, so why not start now.

Realistic Role: High 5; this shirt will think it should be in your every shirt rotation, but it’s going to get used a bit less than it thinks it should, until eventually you and the shirt have it out and realize you can’t live without each other.

The Year Ahead: Ethier will continue to play point guard for the Lakers before reporting to Dodger camp. That’s how this works, right?

Wardrobe ETA: 2014. Hey, over the last year, we’ve heard rumors about Ethier maybe going to the Mariners and the Orioles and the Mets and the Red Sox and on and on, so is it really unreasonable to think the Lakers is where he goes? Get ahead of the curve here.

3. Neon Yellow Kershaw

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.98 + $4.60 Shipping

 eBay Description: “his is a brand new never worn authentic team t-shirt.this shirt cost over $24 and your chance to get a gret deal.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: While the regular incarnation of Clayton Kershaw had a fantastic year for the Dodgers, Neon Yellow Kershaw started off bright, but faded down the homestretch.

Strengths: This is by far coolest thing you could ever wear to a rave in LA.

Weaknesses: Methed out rave-goers might actually mistake you for Clayton Kershaw, which could result in too many hugs.

Overall Future Potential: 6; you could also be a traffic signal

Realistic Role: 4; it’s still neon, and that hasn’t been in in like 4EVA.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; could be distracting to some people with sensitive eyes and you might what to be friends with those sensitive-eyed people

The Year Ahead: If Kershaw decides he wants to start touring with Skrillex, you’re in great shape. Something tells me that won’t be happening, though.

Wardrobe ETA: 2008

4. Moker

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $8.99 + $2.90

 eBay Description: “Player: Moker”

 The Tools: 8 derp; 4 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: A quick search of baseball-reference reveals that there has never been a single player in either major or minor or negro league baseball that has had either the first, last, middle, or nickname of Moker. So what the hell is this?

Strengths: You will render Dodgers fans everywhere clueless as they struggle to remember anyone named Moker. Clueless Dodger fans are funny. Plus price validates purchase.

Weaknesses: A quick search of urban dictionary reveals that a “Moker” is “One who smokes something. Or, a device used for smoking speed.” You sure wouldn’t be the only person high on speed at a Dodger game, that’s for damn sure.

Overall Future Potential: 6: if in three years the Dodgers sign a mysterious 16-year-old Cuban pitcher named Giardia Moker, you’re going to look like an absolute genius.

Realistic Role: 3; everyone’s gonna be all like this.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; entirely dependent on the sudden presence of a player that does not, and probably will never, exist.

The Year Ahead: If I am given permission to name any athletic looking newborns with good size and a projectable body, I’ll make sure to name them Moker.

Wardrobe ETA: When someone named Moker actually exists.

5. Juan Pierre

 Size: Not specified

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $5.99

 eBay Description: “The size tag has been but away made lee sports 23″ under arm to under arm and 30″ shoulder top to bottom.”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: You know RBI is a dumb stat, and so do I, but it’s probably worth pointing out that Pierre drove in eight runs — eight! — despite getting 330 plate appearances for Miami. In the history of baseball, only one man has ever driven in fewer in that much playing time. In the last five seasons, six guys drove in that many in a single game. Nelson Cruz did it twice, and he can’t even find a job. What were we talking about?

Strengths:  Running very very fast while playing baseball

Weaknesses: Everything else that baseball requires that isn’t running very very fast

Overall Future Potential: 8; Dee Gordon inherited #9 after Pierre left, so if you’re really into “skinny guys who run real fast but don’t do a whole lot else,” this is a pretty great candidate for one of those “tape over the name” jobs.

Realistic Role: 2; this is the kind of shirt you get from a well-meaning relative who knows nothing about baseball other than that little Timmy loves the Dodgers, and well, why should they pay full price when this is available for just $5.99?

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; you will risk not winning baseball games if you are wearing this shirt.

The Year Ahead: Someone’s going to give this shirt a job, and it’ll be the first shirt out of the closet in the morning ready to go and face the world, and if you’re not careful you’ll catch yourself letting it do just that, except then you realize that you have other shirts that are better options for work, and home, and the bar, and dates, and pretty much every situation other than running very very fast, and then you remember how much you paid for the shirt in the first place and you get very very sad.

Wardrobe ETA: 2007, unless you’re a certain mustachioed Dodger executive, in which case under your suit every single day.

6. Manny Ramirez

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $7.00 + $3.58 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Manny Ramirez #99 Dodgers jersey/t-shirt men’s xL”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 7 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Manny went to Taiwan and set both Taiwan and the entire internet on fire with his swings of fury and the home run calls he inspired.

Strengths: You know you won’t have many opportunities to wear a shirsey with the #99. Let’s be real.

Weaknesses: Drugs, common sense, detergent. Hanley Ramirez enthusiasts.

Overall Future Potential: 8; in 2008 you could wear this to your wedding and your wife would be perfectly okay with it

Realistic Role: 6; deserves to be in your upper tier, but something just doesn’t smell right every time you pop the bad boy on.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey could literally do anything at any time like disintegrate into ash or eat you.

The Year Ahead: Manny is moving to Greece so he can rip 600 foot homers into the Aegean Sea.

Wardrobe ETA: 2008, man. 2008.

7. Greg Maddux

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $19.99 + $6.99

 eBay Description: “Los Angeles Dodgers Mens Tee. Maddux #36 XL”

 The Tools: 4 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Signed up for Twitter and wore this awesome sweater. Oh, and got elected to the Hall of Fame with 97.2 percent of the vote, shocking given that you probably couldn’t get more than 80 percent of this electorate to agree that water is wet.

Strengths: Being arguably the best pitcher in baseball history, despite looking like your gym teacher, and again, wearing that sweater.

Weaknesses: Not being good enough at baseball to be named on every Hall of Fame ballot.

Overall Future Potential: 7; only 19 of Maddux’ 744 career games came as a Dodger, but hey, that won’t stop you from claiming one of the best pitchers ever as your own, will it, Dodger fans?

Realistic Role: 2; current #36 Matt Magill — owner of one of the worst starts in baseball history — might just wear this while in the fetal position hoping some magic rubs off, and no one wants to be the guy wearing the shirt after that.

Risk Factor/Injury History: The lowest; Maddux pitched for approximately 84 seasons and went on the disabled list all of one time. By the power of the transitive property, this shirt can stop bullets. If Brett Anderson wore this shirt, he might actually make it through a full season.

The Year Ahead: Maddux turns 48 in April, and he could probably outpitch half of the fifth starters in baseball right now. That’s right, I’m looking at you, Josh Beckett. Worth hanging on to.

Wardrobe ETA: This July, when Maddux gets inducted into Cooperstown without a logo on his plaque, and you can proudly wear this among sad Cubs and Braves fans and act like you totally belong. YOU DO, I SWEAR.

8. Andruw Jones

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.99 + $4.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Officially licensed Majestic player t-shirt. New with tags.”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hit .243 playing for the Rakuten Golden Eagles in Japan while somehow still collecting deferred payments for the Dodgers, five years after he almost literally stole money from them.

Strengths: Magic, I assume. Legitimate mystical magic, because somehow people want to own this shirt. According to the listing, this seller along has sold four of these shirts previously. One came in June 2013, which was just a few months ago. In 2011, someone bought two of them. Two!

Weaknesses: must not make a fat joke must not make a fat joke must not make a fat joke THIS SHIRT IS ONLY A LARGE IT’S TOO SMALL (Damn it.)

Overall Future Potential: 0; if we pretend the past never happened, then can the future even exist? *head-explode*

Realistic Role: 0; lots of times, you can wear old shirts to the gym, or to play some hoops, or do some yard work, etc. That’s half the point of having old shirts. I am right now wearing an old bright red softball shirt with a black #1 on the back.

There is literally no time ever where it’s acceptable to wear an Andruw Jones Dodgers shirt. Ever. No, not the psuedo-cute “but my name is Jones!” No. Never.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; if you dare to tempt the deities and wear this shirt, bad things will happen to you. If they don’t, well… they will.

The Year Ahead: Jones signed for another year with Rakuten and OH MY LORD HE’S STILL GETTING PAID BY THE DODGERS IN 2014.

Wardrobe ETA: 2005, back when we thought for sure this shirt would be a first-ballot Hall of Famer and not someone who makes my blood boil.

9. Viva Puig

Size: L/2XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: MLB.com/shop

 Price: $15.97

Description: “Country Of Origin: Honduras”

 The Tools: 4 derp; awesomeness; player obscurity; design/color scheme; price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Not much. It was a pretty docile year for the Dodgers outfielder.

Strengths: I guess it’s kinda cool. Just a Cuban style Puig shirsey. Eh. It’s not like Puig would wear it or anything. 

Weaknesses: None come to mind.

Overall Future Potential: 8; just so god damn cool

Realistic Role: 7; still awesome, but this shirsey needs to learn how to fold itself once in a while

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; Puig is A RECKLESS CRAZY PERSON according to people who hate fun

The Year Ahead: 

Wardrobe ETA: Forever

10. Shawn Green

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.99

 eBay Description: “Men’s XL. Has wear on the number on the back and some on the front.”

 The Tools: 5+ derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Green was the player manager for the Israeli WBC team that got absolutely robbed in the WBC preliminaries. But hey, people have been robbing us Jewish people for decades, so it’s not really anything new.

Strengths: Shawn Green shirseys have been known to have kabalistic powers. Acceptable to be worn on all Jewish holidays especially tu’bishvat. Get it? Green? Get it? You probably don’t. That’s a holiday about trees. Sorry, continue on with your day…

Weaknesses: The back of the shirt says green, but the shirt itself isn’t green. This kind of confusion is what led to the demise of the Ottoman empire in the late 19th, early 20th century.

Overall Future Potential: 7; the perfect 2001 purim costume.

Realistic Role: 5; 2001 is gone and you are too old to dress up for purim.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; antisemitism is still rampant in certain areas of the country.

The Year Ahead: 5774

Wardrobe ETA: 5763

System Overview:

The final NL West shirsey system is yet again a rather potent one. There is absolutely nothing bad about having more than one Kershaw anything, so the Dodgers are off to a good start on that front. Double Kershaw combined with three Hall of Fame talents that showed up in LA 719 years after their prime (Maddux, Jones, Manny) help to form one of the more balanced shirsey systems in the game today. The mysterious Moker shirsey has elite potential; it’s a top-of-the-rotation type shirsey if you don’t care for reality and or real people. Ethier Lakes is another bizarre cross-sport disaster, and that’s just what we’re looking for here at the Barbecue. The Dodgers have an infinite payroll, and some percentage of that money should go towards developing shirsey talent in Latin-America. We’ll see if they capitalize.