Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read all of our other shirsey lists.
Click here to read the Cubs BP Top 10 Prospects.
Wood, Quade, Starlin, Prior, and Campana write-ups are courtesy of Brett Taylor of Bleacher Nation. He knows a few things about the Cubs. We like him. Follow him on Twitter @BleacherNation.
System Quote: “106 years is like, a long time.”
Cubs Top Ten:
- Kerry Wood Tank Top
- Green Samardzija
- Mike Quade
- Neon Starlin
- Mark Prior
- Tony Campana
- Carlos Marmol
- Sammy Sosa
- Bryan LaHair
- Ryan Theriot
1. Kerry Wood Tank Top
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $14.99
eBay Description: “A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item ”
The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kerry Wood would carry wood.
Strengths: This tank is like a mullet in both directions – it’s a party in the front and the back. Additional strengths include: breathability, armpit exposability, possible see-through-ability.
Weaknesses: The tank is technically for women, which means you – the man who has clearly purchased it for yourself – may have to explain the fit. But, you know what? If a little of your midriff shows, the squares’ll just have to deal. You didn’t develop a gut that looks like a bowling ball is trying to escape from your belly button for nothing. You earned this moment.
Overall Future Potential: Borderline 6; hit the weights for a few years, and this tank will be the only thing standing between you and the many ladies of your dreams.
Realistic Role: 4; worn around the house when no clean shirts can be found, or if ah-what-the-hell-it’s-at-the-top-of-the-pile.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the shoulder areas, while tastefully slim to maximize tan lines and shoulder hair expression, are rather thin. Tearing, and forcible toga-ing, are a serious concern.
The Year Ahead: There will be so much beer spilled on the front of this tank it’ll look like the cub bear in the logo isn’t house-trained. But that’s really the message you’re going for anyway: you can’t tame a wild beast.
2. Green Samardzija
Size: M
Current Status: No longer available
Website: eBay
Price: $8.99 + $5.95 Shipping
eBay Description: “Would be a great Retro wear, or collectible, you decide.”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Trade rumors weren’t the only thing swirling around Jeff’s head as he fell off his bike and saw cartoon stars a couple of times last year.
Strengths: Highest scoring name in scrabble in all of MLB. Perfect color scheme for Christmas or that Mexican pride parade or that Italian pride parade and probably nothing else ever.
Weaknesses: Green shirseys for players without any semblance of Irish heritage is just plain old stupid. Unless its for the A’s.
Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll be the coolest guy in parties when you make everyone pronounce the name on your back.
Realistic Role: 5; those parties won’t be fun.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; who knows what could happen when so many letters are involved? DANGEROUS.
The Year Ahead: Sam R. Juh might get traded. He also might not. One thing’s for sure: his hair will stay wilder than a lion’s roar.
Wardrobe ETA: When you can spell Samardzija without looking.