Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read all of our other shirsey lists. 

Click here to read the Cubs BP Top 10 Prospects.

Wood, Quade, Starlin, Prior, and Campana write-ups are courtesy of Brett Taylor of Bleacher Nation. He knows a few things about the Cubs. We like him. Follow him on Twitter @BleacherNation. 

System Quote: “106 years is like, a long time.”

Cubs Top Ten:

1. Kerry Wood Tank Top
2. Green Samardzija
3. Mike Quade
4. Neon Starlin
5. Mark Prior
6. Tony Campana
7. Carlos Marmol
8. Sammy Sosa
9. Bryan LaHair
10. Ryan Theriot

1. Kerry Wood Tank Top

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item ”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kerry Wood would carry wood.

Strengths: This tank is like a mullet in both directions – it’s a party in the front and the back. Additional strengths include: breathability, armpit exposability, possible see-through-ability.

Weaknesses: The tank is technically for women, which means you – the man who has clearly purchased it for yourself – may have to explain the fit. But, you know what? If a little of your midriff shows, the squares’ll just have to deal. You didn’t develop a gut that looks like a bowling ball is trying to escape from your belly button for nothing. You earned this moment.

Overall Future Potential: Borderline 6; hit the weights for a few years, and this tank will be the only thing standing between you and the many ladies of your dreams.

Realistic Role: 4; worn around the house when no clean shirts can be found, or if ah-what-the-hell-it’s-at-the-top-of-the-pile.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the shoulder areas, while tastefully slim to maximize tan lines and shoulder hair expression, are rather thin. Tearing, and forcible toga-ing, are a serious concern.

The Year Ahead: There will be so much beer spilled on the front of this tank it’ll look like the cub bear in the logo isn’t house-trained. But that’s really the message you’re going for anyway: you can’t tame a wild beast.

2. Green Samardzija

Size: M

 Current Status: No longer available

 Website: eBay

 Price: $8.99 + $5.95 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Would be a great Retro wear, or collectible, you decide.”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Trade rumors weren’t the only thing swirling around Jeff’s head as he fell off his bike and saw cartoon stars a couple of times last year.

Strengths: Highest scoring name in scrabble in all of  MLB. Perfect color scheme for Christmas or that Mexican pride parade or that Italian pride parade and probably nothing else ever.

Weaknesses: Green shirseys for players without any semblance of Irish heritage is just plain old stupid. Unless its for the A’s.

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll be the coolest guy in parties when you make everyone pronounce the name on your back.

Realistic Role: 5; those parties won’t be fun.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; who knows what could happen when so many letters are involved? DANGEROUS.

The Year Ahead: Sam R. Juh might get traded. He also might not. One thing’s for sure: his hair will stay wilder than a lion’s roar.

Wardrobe ETA: When you can spell Samardzija without looking.

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Dodgers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Kershaw Irish, Ethier, Pierre, Maddux, and Jones write-ups are courtesy of Mike Petriello of Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness. Mike writes for all of the websites. You can and should follow him on Twitter by clicking here.

System Quote: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me, PUIG.”

Dodgers Top Ten:

1. Kershaw Women’s Irish
2. Ethier Lakers
3. Neon Yellow Kershaw
4. Moker
5. Juan Pierre
6. Manny Ramirez
7. Greg Maddux
8. Andruw Jones
9. Viva Puig
10. Shawn Green

1. Kershaw Women’s Irish

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.99

 eBay Description: “Ladies Majestic Dodgers CLAYTON KERSHAW Baseball Jersey Shirt Green”

The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 4+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Won his second Cy Young, crushed a dinger on Opening Day while pitching a shutout, signed with the Dodgers for all of the dollars (fine, that was early 2014, whatever), went to Africa to assist the needy, saved some kittens from a fire at the kitten orphanage, probably.

Strengths: This shirt is Irish, for some reason, and also “WOMENS Ladies.” This shirt panders to multiple groups at once! That’s an 80 shirt.

Weaknesses: Could Clayton Kershaw fill a wallet with so much money that even he could not lift it? No? Then he has literally zero weaknesses.

Overall Future Potential: 2; I don’t imagine most women want to have to worry about their shirt opting out on them.

Realistic Role: 6; Sigh. No matter how awful this shirt is — and it is — it’s almost impossible to be wearing a Clayton Kershaw shirt and be wrong.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; is it possible to be the kind of woman who would wear this shirt and not end up getting cut in a bar fight?

The Year Ahead: If you wear this jersey, you’ll be as good as Kershaw is too! Except no, you won’t, that’s not how clothing works, you slob.

Wardrobe ETA: March 16, every year. Because if you’re wearing this shirt, you’re the person who wears green once a year on a particular holiday, but also the person who gets the date of St. Patrick’s Day wrong.

2. Ethier Lakers

Size: L

 Current Status: No longer listed

 Website: eBay

 Price: $7.99 + $4.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “No rips, stains or odors”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; ??? design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Set the record for most trade rumors by a player who continues to not get traded. Congratulations!

Strengths: This shirt has “No rips, stains or odors.” Neither does Andre Ethier.

Weaknesses: If you wear this shirt, you will become unable to hit left-handed pitching, or talk to left-handed women, or laugh at Ned Flanders, or fight socalism.

Overall Future Potential: 8; everyone thinks Ethier is going to be wearing a different color than blue at some point, so why not start now.

Realistic Role: High 5; this shirt will think it should be in your every shirt rotation, but it’s going to get used a bit less than it thinks it should, until eventually you and the shirt have it out and realize you can’t live without each other.

The Year Ahead: Ethier will continue to play point guard for the Lakers before reporting to Dodger camp. That’s how this works, right?

Wardrobe ETA: 2014. Hey, over the last year, we’ve heard rumors about Ethier maybe going to the Mariners and the Orioles and the Mets and the Red Sox and on and on, so is it really unreasonable to think the Lakers is where he goes? Get ahead of the curve here.

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Diamondbacks BP Top 10 Prospects.

Williams, Johnson, Reynolds, Gonzalez, and Counsell write-ups are courtesy of diarrhea. And by diarrhea I mean @diarrhea. We thank him. 

System Quote: “Sticking with a marriage. That’s true grit, man.”

Diamondbacks Top Ten:

1. Matt Williams
2. Randy Johnson
3. Mark Reynolds
4. Luis Gonzalez
5. Craig Counsell
6. David Dellucci
7. Augie Ojeda
8. Troy Glaus
9. Ryan Roberts
10. Richie Sexson

1. Matt Williams

Size: M

 Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “A PORTION OF EVERY SALE GOES TO SUPPORT JUNIOR GOLF PROGRAMS ACCROSS THE NATION.”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Matt insists he is the Diamondbacks’ Special Assistant General Partner but GM Michael Scott Towers insists he’s Special Assistant to the General Partner.

Strengths: Baldness (when you’re late to work and don’t have time to comb your hair).

Weaknesses: Baldness (when you’re late to work and you have to put sunblock on your pasty egg-like dome to keep it from frying).

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll always be able to get to 3rd base with a girl while wearing this, and being fairly balding.

Realistic Role: 3; you’re wearing a Matt Williams (who was/is bald) Diamondbacks shirsey. People will question your decision making process immediately.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Anything you do while wearing this might end up in the Mitchell Report or in a Bosley flyer as the before pic retroactively.

The Year Ahead: Gonna get balder.

Wardrobe ETA: Bald.

2. Randy Johnson

Size: YM

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $0.99 + $3.00

 eBay Description: “17 pit to pit”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Got angrier and surlier probably.

Strengths: Ability to tell anyone “don’t talk back to me” and “knock it off, alright?” without recourse. Bosses, grandmas, you name it.

Weaknesses: You so much as toss your keys to someone and a bird is gonna die. Playing catch with your kid could result in a veritable sparrow holocaust. Good job, bird murderer. Birderer.

Overall Future Potential: 4; you’re wearing the jersey of someone that went by the nickname “the Big Unit.” Good luck bringing a girl home from the bar and not being a gigantic disappointment, pinkypecker.

Realistic Role: 3; Randy Johnson had the complexion of an osage orange and no chin. Put it back in your drawer and pick a better looking player’s shirsey, rookie.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Your back is gonna hurt constantly. Invest in Doan’s and Tiger Balm.

The Year Ahead: Don’t talk back to me.

Wardrobe ETA: Knock it off, alright?

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Padres BP Top 10 Prospects.

Carrasco, Gwynn, Winfield, Piazza, and Kouzmanoff write-ups are courtesy of Geoff Young of Baseball Prospectus. You can follow him on Twitter @ducksnorts. No, seriously. @ducksnorts. 

System Quote: “Petco. Where the pitchers who need to revive their career go.”

Padres Top Ten:

1. Mat Latos
2. Tenthman
3. Carrasco?
4. Ryan Klesko
5. Bruce Bochy
6. Tony Gwynn Jr.
7. Dave Winfield
8. Mike Piazza
9. Mike Cameron
10. Kevin Kouzmanoff

1. Mat Latos

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $29.99 + $4.60 Shipping

 eBay Description: Cool polyester material

 The Tools: 8 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mat Latos continued his rep as next years’ next big thing as he showed great potential but was always missing a bit of something.

Strengths: Aside from the female wearing no pants? There’s a ton to love here. Fantastic retro color combination of yellow and brown. The front says Eugene Emeralds even though the color scheme is classic Padres. The brown stripe on the sleeve is classy. Also did I mention the attractive lady without pants.

Weaknesses: Bi-Mart advertisement on lower bum keeps this shirsey from achieving elite level potential.

Overall Future Potential: 7: if you can peel off the Bi-Mart ad, you’ll have yourself a possible perennial all star.

Realistic Role: High 6; peeling that ad off isn’t worth your time. Also, you don’t get the woman with the shirsey.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; shirsey just looks really good.

The Year Ahead: If she continues working out that – oh you mean the shirsey? Um. Go Latos!

Wardrobe ETA: ASAP

2. Tenthman

 Size: Small

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $15.00 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: Era: 1977-1989 (Punk, New Wave, 80s)

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, if this shirsey is referring to the entire San Diego Padres fan base during the late 80’s, then one can assume that a lot of these people have grown up considerably. I would assume the majority of them still live in San Diego and are still madly in love with Tony Gwynn. And not the Tony Gwynn that appears later on this list.

Strengths: wow

much retro

so Tenthman

very Padres

Weaknesses: Tenthman is not a word or a name. It is just a thing that sports fans made up.  

Overall Future Potential: High 6; perfect for time traveling Padres dorks

Realistic Role: High 5; plus-plus derp keeps this shirsey’s floor considerably high

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey represents a lot of people and who knows how many of those people have been to prison?

The Year Ahead: Again, if time travel becomes possible, this shirsey might be the best gift for any 47 year old Padres fan that is sick and tired of watching Kyle Blanks sit on the bench.

Wardrobe ETA: 1988

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Rockies BP Top 10 Prospects.

No special guest this week. Sorry for the delay. #slack

System Quote: “Home is wherever I hit .315 annually.” 

Rockies Top Ten:

1. Haltertop Jason Giambi
2. Haltertop Troy Tulowitzki
3. Autographed Manny Corpas
4. Jackie Robinson
5. Vinny Castilla 
6. Rafael Betancourt
7. Yorvit Torrealba
8. Dante Bichette
9. Mike Hampton
10. Jason Jennings

1. Haltertop Jason Giambi

 Size: One Size Fits all  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $28.00 + $4.50 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Check out this amazing halter top made from a Jason Giambi jersey tee – it’s one of a kind!”  

The Tools: 8 derp; 3 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jason Giambi continued his improbable transition from juiced-out frat boy to wise old baseball wizard.

Strengths: Lets you show off those shoulders and support your favorite Rockies superstar at the same time. Jason Giambi is a man who deserves to be recognized on the front of a shirt. Elite level derp.

Weaknesses: Questions about haltertop profile may cause shirt’s tools to play down. Looks like your dog chewed up your Jason Giambi shirsey and you tried to salvage whatever was left.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if there’s ever a Jason Giambi related porno, this shirsey will play a major role in helping said porno win an Oscar.

Realistic Role: 2; hopefully we never have to see a Jason Giambi related porno.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; shirsey could fall apart at any moment.

The Year Ahead: Giambi might still be on the Indians, but that has no effect on the wonder of this haltertop.

Wardrobe ETA: When all your other clothes are burned.

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Red Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.

Okajima, Beltre, Pedro, Clemens, and Schilling write-ups are courtesy of our internet BFF Matthew Kory. Matthew is a writer at Sports On Earth, Baseball Prospectus, and some Red Sox blog called Over The Monster. You can/should flolololollow him on Twitter by clicking here. 

System Quote: “This is our fucking shirsey.” 

Red Sox Top Ten:

1. Babe Ruth
2. Mo Vaughn
3. Sean Casey
4. Hideki Okajima
5. David Wells
6. Doug Mirabelli
7. Adrian Beltre
8. Pedro Martinez
9. Roger Clemens
10. Curt Schilling 

1. Babe Ruth

 Size: M/L/XL/XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase/owned by Jake

 Website: Stadiumstyle.com

 Price: $20.95

Website Description: “Ruth and 3 are printed on the back. Red Sox is printed on the front.”

The Tools: 4 derp; 7+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Babe Ruth remained dead.

Strengths: With this shirsey you can celebrate the greatest hitter of all time without having to endure the guilt of wearing a Yankees shirsey. The only thing better than this would be a Babe Ruth St. Louis Browns shirsey, but the last known one of those perished in WWII somewhere over Okinawa. Design difference conveys retro/vintage look which is good because Babe Ruth is old as shit.

Weaknesses: Confused people might mistake you for a woman named Ruth. But those people are confused, and probably extremely stupid. Currently owned my Jake Mintz which means it can’t be stylish.

Overall Future Potential: 8; Babe Ruth’s time on the Red Sox is one of America’s truly innocent love-stories. The memorialization of said memories is an American obligation fulfilled by the wearing of this shirsey.

Realistic Role: High 6; “BABAY WOOF” – The Goonies

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the Babe is gone

The Year Ahead: Babe will remain dead and still awesome.

Wardrobe ETA: 1895

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Rays BP Top 10 Prospects.

We don’t really know any Rays fans so we were stuck doing this entire list by ourselves. And by we, I mean me, Jordan. Jake formatted it like a month ago. That’s why it’s so late. Sorry! <3 

System Quote: “Tropicana Field sucks.”

Rays Top Ten:

1. Yellow Matt Joyce
2. Greg Vaughn
3. Akinori Iwamura
4. Rocco Baldelli 
5. Jorge Cantu
6. Jason Bartlett
7. Evan Longoria
8. Rafael Soriano
9. Johnny Damon
10. Scott Kazmir

1. Yellow Matt Joyce

 Size: M/L/2XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.99 + $3.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Looks like a baseball jersey, wears like a tee”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 8 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: First, Matt Joyce played well. Then he didn’t. Then Delmon Young played instead of him. Then he took some naps.

Strengths: The only thing cooler than retro shirseys with silly color schemes are fake retro shirseys with silly color schemes. “Yes, Mom,” you’ll brag, “This is my yellow Rays shirsey.” You’ll also be able to convince your friends that the Rays were formed in 1971. Really absurd that the only player for whom this shirsey design is available is Matt Joyce.

Weaknesses: Fake time travel always pisses off the baseball gods.

Overall Future Potential: 7; elite design means huge ceiling

Realistic Role: 5; you’ll still struggle against left-handed friends

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; there are flaws in this shirsey’s game

The Year Ahead: This beautiful yellow piece of clothing will continue to fail to represent any part of Tampa Bay’s history.

Wardrobe ETA: ????

2. Greg Vaughn

 Size: L

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $4.99 + $4.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Some cracking in the printed logo/numbers.  Awesome shirt at a great price!”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: It was the 10th anniversary of Greg Vaughn not playing professional baseball. Greg’s SON, Cory, hit .267/.346/.424 at Double-A  Binghamton. Yeah. Also, holy shit, Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs in 1998 and hit more home runs in his career than Luis Gonzalez and other good baseball players. Good for you, Greg Vaughn.

Strengths: He’s Mo Vaughn’s cousin. Also, this was awesome: “In 1999, he became the only player in major league history to be traded after a 50-homer season when the Padres traded him to the Cincinnati Reds. Vaughn’s arrival in Cincinnati caused a bit of a controversy with club ownership and their no facial hair policy. Vaughn styled a goatee that he really didn’t want to remove. Fans urged owner Marge Schott to lift the long standing policy that had been in place since 1967 which she eventually did. On the field, he hit 45 homers and became the second player in major league history to hit 40 or more homers in consecutive seasons with two different teams.” (Wikipedia)

Weaknesses: He’s not Mo Vaughn.

Overall Future Potential: 6; still a Vaughn

Realistic Role: 5; still not Mo Vaughn, or Greg Vaughan from General Hospital

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; we’ve discussed guys named Greg on the podcast

The Year Ahead: Presumably his son will continue to play minor league baseball while he continues to not be eligible for the Hall of Fame anymore :(

Wardrobe ETA: 1998

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Yankees BP Top 10 Prospects.

Costanza, Giambi, Melky, Hafner, and Nunez write-ups are courtesy of Andrew Mearns, editor and writer over at Pinstripe Alley, the SB Nation Yankees blorrogrogrogrogorgorogog. You can follow him @MearnsPSA.

System Quote: “Derek Jeter really sucks at shortstop.”

Yankees Top Ten:

1. George Costanza
2. Jason Giambi Red
3. Red Bernie Williams
4. Melky Cabrera
5. Derek Jeter Grease Stain
   
6. Pink Toddler A-Rod
7. Mark Teixiera
8. Travis Hafner
9. Tino Martinez
10. Eduardo Nunez

1. George Costanza

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Orioles BP Top 10 Prospects.

Christ, Chen, Pie, and Sosa write-ups are courtesy of OUR GOOD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL ROBBIE SHORR. You can find him nowhere. He is a nice guy. You would probably like him too.

System Quote: “The Bible is the cradle wherein Christ hits 53 home runs.”

Orioles Top Ten:

1. Purple and Green Christ Davis
2. Melvin Mora
3. Koji Uehara
4. Mandarin Chinese Wei-Yin Chen
5. Vlad Guerrero
6. Garret Olson
7. Kevin Gregg
8. Felix Pie
9. Rafi Palmeiro
10. Sammy Sosa

1. Purple and Green Christ Davis

 Size: S, M, L (Apparently they have more than one of these)

 Current Status: 10 available (10!)

 Website: eBay

 Price: $17.99

 eBay Description: “Nobody knows t-shirts like Gildan, and this classic Ultra Cotton style is a great choice for teams, giveaways, marathons or anyone’s T-shirt drawer.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 7 potential color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Everything. After a torrid start to the season, Davis took some time off because he died for our sins. When he eventually rose, Davis continued to hit balls far, breaking the Orioles single-season home run record.

Strengths: Contains a superhero reference. Is purple and green.

Weaknesses: Is purple and green. Doesn’t really help quiet steroid rumors. (I assume that whatever radioactive stuff gave Hulk his powers is a banned PED).

Overall Future Potential: 6; if you wear this at a bar, you’ll probably get a few high fives.

Realistic Role: 5; it’s highly unlikely Davis hits as many bombs as last year.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; comes with all of the questions that any power-hitting shirsey faces in baseball today.

The Year Ahead: Davis will have to take a backseat to next year’s “Edwin Encarnacion.”

Wardrobe ETA: 2015

2. Melvin Mora

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $3.84

 eBay Description: “Given away at Camden Yards. In 2008 or 2009.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Melvin Mora spent most of his time at home taking care of his sextuplets.

Strengths: Like Mora, this shirt can play multiple positions. An extra large has the ability to clothe six children at the same damn time. Elite price.

Weaknesses: If you fear the devil, stay away from this shirsey. It features four different six grade tools and the number six on the back. Mora also has sextuplets. So yeah, beware. Also could be mistaken as a football coach shirsey.

Overall Future Potential: 6; because 6

Realistic Role: 6; because 6

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; price eliminates any semblance of risk.

The Year Ahead: The sextuplets will turn 12, seriously strengthening Fallston, Maryland’s Little League All Star Team’s entire infield. THE MORAS ARE EVERYWHERE.

Wardrobe ETA: 666

Continue reading →