New York Mets Top 10 Shirseys

Dec2 by jakemintz

The actual baseballs are over and winter has set in, which means it’s time to talk about shirts. We are resuming our Top 10 Shirsey lists because we don’t have anything else to write about right now. So sit back, relax, and get ready to spend some money on some old shirts you don’t want or need.

Click here for the rest of our Top 10 Shirsey lists

1. Carlos Baerga

Size: XL

Current Status: Available

Website: eBay

Price: $9.99 + $4.95 Shipping

eBay Description: “It measures 23″ armpit to armpit”

Player Notes: Baerga was only on the Mets for three years. He was traded to New York from Cleveland for Jeff Kent and Jose Vizcaino. I don’t think it’s true, but the internet tells me that Carlos Baerga was on the Nats in 2005. My favorite thing about Carlos Baerga is that he was a delegate for Rick Santorum in the 2012 Republican Primary. Carlos Baerga and Rick Santorum go together like peanut butter and jean shorts.

Shirsey Notes: The three years Baerga spent as a Met were 96′, 97′, and 98′, which means that this shirsey is at least 16 years old. Without carbon dating we’ll never know for sure, but there’s a good chance this is the oldest shirsey on the internet. This artifact, criminally undervalued at only $9.99, doesn’t belong in the drawers of some New Yorker’s childhood bedroom. A relic like this deserves to be displayed prominently in a museum and I will not rest until it is so. In other news, I think I just wrote the script for the next Indiana Jones movie: Indiana Jones and the Legend of Baerga.

2. Kaz Matsui

Size: M

Current Status: Available

Website: eBay

Price: $25.00 buy it now. $9.00 starting bid.

eBay Description: “This is a pair of black Majestic New York Mets Crossbar Synthetic shorts in a size S. I will also throw in a free Kazuo Matsui name and number shirt in a size M. I need to pay my property tax bill.”

Player Notes: Kaz Matsui holds one of the most absurd records in MLB history that you probably didn’t know. He’s the only player to hit a dinger in his first at-bat of his first three seasons. He was also the first Japanese infielder to ever sign with a MLB team. This is a montage of photos from only Kaz’s time on the Astros that is set to a song called “Ganja Smuggling.” YouTube is an amazingly weird place.

Shirsey Notes: By far the most unique thing about this shirsey is that the seller is literally giving it away for free. Sure you have to fork over a few bucks for an old pair of shorts, but you get a KAZ MATSUI SHIRSEY FOR NOTHING. Makes you think that there must be something particularly fishy about those shorts. Also, I don’t know a lot about paying taxes, but I don’t think selling a pair of shorts and a Kazuo Matsui Mets shirsey is going to get the job done.

3. Mike Piazza

Size: M/XL

Current Status: Available

Website: eBay

Price: $12.50

eBay Description: “Shirt is BRAND NEW, NEVER WORN, with TAGS ATTACHED. Image on the shirt is screen printed (front & back), with GLITTER (see pictures)”

Player Notes: Mike Piazza is maybe the greatest Met of all time. It’s either him, David Wright, Dwight Gooden, Drew Gooden, or Shingo Takatsu. It might be any of those guys, but it’s actually not because it’s definitely Benny Agbayani. Here’s a video of Mike Piazza doing the Joe Mauer Head and Shoulders ad 15 years before Joe Mauer did it.

Shirsey Notes: There are certainly questions about whether or not this… thing should qualify as a shirsey. The term used throughout the post to describe this entity is “Jersey Dress Shirt.” This is the perfect gift for anyone still living in 2004.

4. Omar Quintanilla

Size: N/A

Current Status: Not Available

Website: Twitter

Price: N/A

Player Notes: Omar Quintanilla is one of those guys most people assume is from a Latin-American country, but is actually just from Texas. Aside from this amazing picture in which he looks absolutely stoned, Omar is known for having a last name that sounds like quesadilla. He has 6 seasons with a negative WAR, which looks pretty awful until you realize that he is one of the best 2,000 baseball players in the world.

Shirsey Notes: Thanks to Twitter user @molliegalchus for sending this one in. She also let me know that she and her father have matching Omar Quintanilla shirseys, one Orioles and one Mets. Mollie, I don’t know if you’re married, but I hope that at your wedding you and your father do that father-daughter dance thing in your matching Omar Quintanilla shirseys. I assume that’s what every girl dreams about her wedding night. I’ll arrange a slow dance version of “Meet the Mets” just for you and your father. Another idea, all the groomsmen wear Orioles Quintanilla shirseys and all the bridesmaids wear Mets Quintanilla shirseys.

5. Jerry Seinfeld

Size: N/A

Current Status: Not Available

Website: Twitter

Price: N/A

Player Notes: Seinfeld slugged .424 in 1996 with 3 RBI’s in 6 at-bats in a Wiffle ball game at the beach with his kids. A combination of a below-average hit tool, a significant lack of athleticism, and an inability to avoid distractions off the field stunted Jerry’s developmental growth and restricted him from ever making it to the majors.

Shirsey Notes: THIS IS THE MOST METS SHIRSEY OF ALL TIME. It’s not really all that close. Most people know that it’s a proven fact that 85% of Mets fans are Jewish dads who grew up on Long Island and know every single line of every single Seinfeld episode. Thank you @mkraust. I can only assume that your Rabbi gave you this for your birthday.

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Chicago Cubs Top 10 Shirseys

Feb11 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read all of our other shirsey lists.

Click here to read the Cubs BP Top 10 Prospects.

Wood, Quade, Starlin, Prior, and Campana write-ups are courtesy of Brett Taylor of Bleacher Nation. He knows a few things about the Cubs. We like him. Follow him on Twitter @BleacherNation.

System Quote: “106 years is like, a long time.”

Cubs Top Ten:

1. Kerry Wood Tank Top

Size: L

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $14.99

eBay Description: “A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item ”

The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kerry Wood would carry wood.

Strengths: This tank is like a mullet in both directions – it’s a party in the front and the back. Additional strengths include: breathability, armpit exposability, possible see-through-ability.

Weaknesses: The tank is technically for women, which means you – the man who has clearly purchased it for yourself – may have to explain the fit. But, you know what? If a little of your midriff shows, the squares’ll just have to deal. You didn’t develop a gut that looks like a bowling ball is trying to escape from your belly button for nothing. You earned this moment.

Overall Future Potential: Borderline 6; hit the weights for a few years, and this tank will be the only thing standing between you and the many ladies of your dreams.

Realistic Role: 4; worn around the house when no clean shirts can be found, or if ah-what-the-hell-it’s-at-the-top-of-the-pile.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the shoulder areas, while tastefully slim to maximize tan lines and shoulder hair expression, are rather thin. Tearing, and forcible toga-ing, are a serious concern.

The Year Ahead: There will be so much beer spilled on the front of this tank it’ll look like the cub bear in the logo isn’t house-trained. But that’s really the message you’re going for anyway: you can’t tame a wild beast.

Wardrobe ETA: As soon as someone needs directions to the gun show.

2. Green Samardzija

Size: M

Current Status: No longer available

Website: eBay

Price: $8.99 + $5.95 Shipping

eBay Description: “Would be a great Retro wear, or collectible, you decide.”

The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Trade rumors weren’t the only thing swirling around Jeff’s head as he fell off his bike and saw cartoon stars a couple of times last year.

Strengths: Highest scoring name in scrabble in all of MLB. Perfect color scheme for Christmas or that Mexican pride parade or that Italian pride parade and probably nothing else ever.

Weaknesses: Green shirseys for players without any semblance of Irish heritage is just plain old stupid. Unless its for the A’s.

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll be the coolest guy in parties when you make everyone pronounce the name on your back.

Realistic Role: 5; those parties won’t be fun.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; who knows what could happen when so many letters are involved? DANGEROUS.

The Year Ahead: Sam R. Juh might get traded. He also might not. One thing’s for sure: his hair will stay wilder than a lion’s roar.

Wardrobe ETA: When you can spell Samardzija without looking.

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Los Angeles Dodgers Top 10 Shirseys

Jan31 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Dodgers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Kershaw Irish, Ethier, Pierre, Maddux, and Jones write-ups are courtesy of Mike Petriello of Mike Scioscia’s Tragic Illness. Mike writes for all of the websites. You can and should follow him on Twitter by clicking here.

System Quote: “Cash Rules Everything Around Me, PUIG.”

Dodgers Top Ten:

1. Kershaw Women’s Irish

Size: M

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $23.99

eBay Description: “Ladies Majestic Dodgers CLAYTON KERSHAW Baseball Jersey Shirt Green”

The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 4+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Won his second Cy Young, crushed a dinger on Opening Day while pitching a shutout, signed with the Dodgers for all of the dollars (fine, that was early 2014, whatever), went to Africa to assist the needy, saved some kittens from a fire at the kitten orphanage, probably.

Strengths: This shirt is Irish, for some reason, and also “WOMENS Ladies.” This shirt panders to multiple groups at once! That’s an 80 shirt.

Weaknesses: Could Clayton Kershaw fill a wallet with so much money that even he could not lift it? No? Then he has literally zero weaknesses.

Overall Future Potential: 2; I don’t imagine most women want to have to worry about their shirt opting out on them.

Realistic Role: 6; Sigh. No matter how awful this shirt is — and it is — it’s almost impossible to be wearing a Clayton Kershaw shirt and be wrong.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; is it possible to be the kind of woman who would wear this shirt and not end up getting cut in a bar fight?

The Year Ahead: If you wear this jersey, you’ll be as good as Kershaw is too! Except no, you won’t, that’s not how clothing works, you slob.

Wardrobe ETA: March 16, every year. Because if you’re wearing this shirt, you’re the person who wears green once a year on a particular holiday, but also the person who gets the date of St. Patrick’s Day wrong.

2. Ethier Lakers

Size: L

Current Status: No longer listed

Website: eBay

Price: $7.99 + $4.00 Shipping

eBay Description: “No rips, stains or odors”

The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; ??? design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Set the record for most trade rumors by a player who continues to not get traded. Congratulations!

Strengths: This shirt has “No rips, stains or odors.” Neither does Andre Ethier.

Weaknesses: If you wear this shirt, you will become unable to hit left-handed pitching, or talk to left-handed women, or laugh at Ned Flanders, or fight socalism.

Overall Future Potential: 8; everyone thinks Ethier is going to be wearing a different color than blue at some point, so why not start now.

Realistic Role: High 5; this shirt will think it should be in your every shirt rotation, but it’s going to get used a bit less than it thinks it should, until eventually you and the shirt have it out and realize you can’t live without each other.

The Year Ahead: Ethier will continue to play point guard for the Lakers before reporting to Dodger camp. That’s how this works, right?

Wardrobe ETA: 2014. Hey, over the last year, we’ve heard rumors about Ethier maybe going to the Mariners and the Orioles and the Mets and the Red Sox and on and on, so is it really unreasonable to think the Lakers is where he goes? Get ahead of the curve here.

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Arizona Diamondbacks Top 10 Shirseys

Jan26 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Diamondbacks BP Top 10 Prospects.

Williams, Johnson, Reynolds, Gonzalez, and Counsell write-ups are courtesy of diarrhea. And by diarrhea I mean @diarrhea. We thank him.

System Quote: “Sticking with a marriage. That’s true grit, man.”

Diamondbacks Top Ten:

1. Matt Williams

Size: M

Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

Website: eBay

Price: $14.99

eBay Description: “A PORTION OF EVERY SALE GOES TO SUPPORT JUNIOR GOLF PROGRAMS ACCROSS THE NATION.”

The Tools: 7+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Matt insists he is the Diamondbacks’ Special Assistant General Partner but GM Michael Scott Towers insists he’s Special Assistant to the General Partner.

Strengths: Baldness (when you’re late to work and don’t have time to comb your hair).

Weaknesses: Baldness (when you’re late to work and you have to put sunblock on your pasty egg-like dome to keep it from frying).

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll always be able to get to 3rd base with a girl while wearing this, and being fairly balding.

Realistic Role: 3; you’re wearing a Matt Williams (who was/is bald) Diamondbacks shirsey. People will question your decision making process immediately.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Anything you do while wearing this might end up in the Mitchell Report or in a Bosley flyer as the before pic retroactively.

The Year Ahead: Gonna get balder.

Wardrobe ETA: Bald.

2. Randy Johnson

Size: YM

Current Status: Sold

Website: eBay

Price: $0.99 + $3.00

eBay Description: “17 pit to pit”

The Tools: 6+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Got angrier and surlier probably.

Strengths: Ability to tell anyone “don’t talk back to me” and “knock it off, alright?” without recourse. Bosses, grandmas, you name it.

Weaknesses: You so much as toss your keys to someone and a bird is gonna die. Playing catch with your kid could result in a veritable sparrow holocaust. Good job, bird murderer. Birderer.

Overall Future Potential: 4; you’re wearing the jersey of someone that went by the nickname “the Big Unit.” Good luck bringing a girl home from the bar and not being a gigantic disappointment, pinkypecker.

Realistic Role: 3; Randy Johnson had the complexion of an osage orange and no chin. Put it back in your drawer and pick a better looking player’s shirsey, rookie.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Your back is gonna hurt constantly. Invest in Doan’s and Tiger Balm.

The Year Ahead: Don’t talk back to me.

Wardrobe ETA: Knock it off, alright?

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San Francisco Giants Top 10 Shirseys

Jan22 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Giants BP Top 10 Prospects.

Bonds, Lincecum, Posey, Roward, and Cepeda write-ups are courtesy of SB Nation MLB overlord, Grant Brisbee. You already follow him on Twitter.

System Quote: “Also, this story is about Barry Bonds’s Baseball Reference page, and I’m calling it a ‘she’ because I want to have sex with it.”

Giants Top Ten:

1. Barry Bonds

Size: L

Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

Website: eBay

Price: $9.99 + $5.00 Shipping

eBay Description: “As one of the longest-established baseball teams, they have won the most games of any team in the history of American baseball, and any North American professional sports team.”

The Tools: 2 derp; 8 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He slipped again in the rankings of “Best Hitter Alive,” dropping to seventh place.

Strengths: His strength

Weaknesses: Being a human, dammit. Being a human being. Being insecure and unwilling to look the other way when the world was making out with Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. You aren’t so different, you smug bastard. YOU AREN’T SO DIFFERENT.

Overall Future Potential: 8; If you want a shirt that says, “I’m a Giants fan. Also, fuck you”, you aren’t doing better than this shirsey. Unless you actually print those exact words on a shirsey. Which would be rad.

Realistic Role: 8; Something to wear when you’re a groomsman or bridesmaid, even if you have to put it over the stupid clothes they’re expecting you to wear.

Risk Factor/Injury History: If you think “done getting swole” is an injury, then, yeah, you’ll get injured. You’ll done get swole if you wear this. So big.

The Year Ahead: Still the best hitter ever.

Wardrobe ETA: 2089 (Cooperstown only)

2. Irish Heritiage Brian Wilson

Size: L

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $12.99 + $4.99

eBay Description: About the seller: “esdeadjim” is not a hulking faceless unsmiling weasel-like international corporate conglomerate; he is a carbon-based two-legged humanoid with an unceasing desire to fix & feed his kingdom of feral cats. Pulled from the smoldering wreckage of a rocket ship from the planet Absurdia, “esdeadjim” sprung from his meager beginnings to procure treasures from near and far to offer them at reasonable prices to the good citizens of Planet eBay.

The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Brian Wilson returned to the baseball world as a legitimate bullpen option. Brian Wilson also went to Australia where he was lucky enough to run into me.

Strengths: I didn’t actually know that Brian Wilson was of Irish decent, but I can’t say I’m surprised. If Brian Wilson were to wear this shirt at an Irish pub, I assume he could drink an irresponsible amount of beer. That’s just the magic of the Irish I guess.

Weaknesses: Comparisons to leprechauns. Cops mistaking you for the actual Brian Wilson. Better ways to express pride for Irish heritage include, but are not limited to, eating a potato, drinking Jameson, and not wearing this shirt.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if worn at an Irish pub in San Francisco that Brian Wilson stumbles into at 1 in the morning, expect a raucous rest of your evening.

Realistic Role: 5; you probably shouldn’t be wearing a shirsey to a bar in the first place now should you? Have some class why dontcha.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; when you put this shirt on you should expect your evening to end in a hospital visit.

The Year Ahead: Shirsey should maintain its value if Wilson doesn’t denounce his Irish heritage, which is a legitimate possibility.

Wardrobe ETA: Whenever you feel like respecting your, or Brian Wilson’s ancestors.

3. Patriot Lincecum

Size: XL

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $16.99 + $5.99

eBay Description: “I usullay ship next day”

The Tools: 6+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Patriot Lincecum threw a no-hitter. Patriot Lincecum walked everyone. Patriot Lincecum watched all of Miyazaki’s movies in one off day and ordered out.

Strengths: Murica

Weaknesses: That annoying “flag code” that states “The flag should not be used as “wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery” and “The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform.” Bunch of nancies came up with that steaming pile of bureaucracy, I’m sure.

Overall Future Potential: High 5. Shirseys used to be the best! Now they’re fodder for stupid satire pieces on blogs. Like this.

Realistic Role: 5. It’s for when you want to let your blind date know that you’re a little counterculture, but a little patriotic, too.

Risk Factor/Injury History: 8. You don’t even have to ice the sleeves.

The Year Ahead: It’ll cost too much, but you don’t want to see some Goodwill-shopping freak wear it, so you’re keeping it.

Wardrobe ETA: 2008 or so.

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San Diego Padres Top 10 Shirseys

Jan18 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Padres BP Top 10 Prospects.

Carrasco, Gwynn, Winfield, Piazza, and Kouzmanoff write-ups are courtesy of Geoff Young of Baseball Prospectus. You can follow him on Twitter @ducksnorts. No, seriously. @ducksnorts.

System Quote: “Petco. Where the pitchers who need to revive their career go.”

Padres Top Ten:

1. Mat Latos

Size: XL

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $29.99 + $4.60 Shipping

eBay Description: Cool polyester material

The Tools: 8 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mat Latos continued his rep as next years’ next big thing as he showed great potential but was always missing a bit of something.

Strengths: Aside from the female wearing no pants? There’s a ton to love here. Fantastic retro color combination of yellow and brown. The front says Eugene Emeralds even though the color scheme is classic Padres. The brown stripe on the sleeve is classy. Also did I mention the attractive lady without pants.

Weaknesses: Bi-Mart advertisement on lower bum keeps this shirsey from achieving elite level potential.

Overall Future Potential: 7: if you can peel off the Bi-Mart ad, you’ll have yourself a possible perennial all star.

Realistic Role: High 6; peeling that ad off isn’t worth your time. Also, you don’t get the woman with the shirsey.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; shirsey just looks really good.

The Year Ahead: If she continues working out that – oh you mean the shirsey? Um. Go Latos!

Wardrobe ETA: ASAP

2. Tenthman

Size: Small

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $15.00 + $5.00 Shipping

eBay Description: Era: 1977-1989 (Punk, New Wave, 80s)

The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, if this shirsey is referring to the entire San Diego Padres fan base during the late 80’s, then one can assume that a lot of these people have grown up considerably. I would assume the majority of them still live in San Diego and are still madly in love with Tony Gwynn. And not the Tony Gwynn that appears later on this list.

Strengths: wow

much retro

so Tenthman

very Padres

Weaknesses: Tenthman is not a word or a name. It is just a thing that sports fans made up.

Overall Future Potential: High 6; perfect for time traveling Padres dorks

Realistic Role: High 5; plus-plus derp keeps this shirsey’s floor considerably high

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey represents a lot of people and who knows how many of those people have been to prison?

The Year Ahead: Again, if time travel becomes possible, this shirsey might be the best gift for any 47 year old Padres fan that is sick and tired of watching Kyle Blanks sit on the bench.

Wardrobe ETA: 1988

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Colorado Rockies Top 10 Shirseys

Jan15 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Rockies BP Top 10 Prospects.

No special guest this week. Sorry for the delay. #slack

System Quote: “Home is wherever I hit .315 annually.”

Rockies Top Ten:

1. Haltertop Jason Giambi

Size: One Size Fits all

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $28.00 + $4.50 Shipping

eBay Description: “Check out this amazing halter top made from a Jason Giambi jersey tee – it’s one of a kind!”

The Tools: 8 derp; 3 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jason Giambi continued his improbable transition from juiced-out frat boy to wise old baseball wizard.

Strengths: Lets you show off those shoulders and support your favorite Rockies superstar at the same time. Jason Giambi is a man who deserves to be recognized on the front of a shirt. Elite level derp.

Weaknesses: Questions about haltertop profile may cause shirt’s tools to play down. Looks like your dog chewed up your Jason Giambi shirsey and you tried to salvage whatever was left.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if there’s ever a Jason Giambi related porno, this shirsey will play a major role in helping said porno win an Oscar.

Realistic Role: 2; hopefully we never have to see a Jason Giambi related porno.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; shirsey could fall apart at any moment.

The Year Ahead: Giambi might still be on the Indians, but that has no effect on the wonder of this haltertop.

Wardrobe ETA: When all your other clothes are burned.

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Boston Red Sox Top 10 Shirseys

Jan8 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Red Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.

Okajima, Beltre, Pedro, Clemens, and Schilling write-ups are courtesy of our internet BFF Matthew Kory. Matthew is a writer at Sports On Earth, Baseball Prospectus, and some Red Sox blog called Over The Monster. You can/should flolololollow him on Twitter by clicking here.

System Quote: “This is our fucking shirsey.”

Red Sox Top Ten:

1. Babe Ruth

Size: M/L/XL/XXL

Current Status: Available for purchase/owned by Jake

Website: Stadiumstyle.com

Price: $20.95

Website Description: “Ruth and 3 are printed on the back. Red Sox is printed on the front.”

The Tools: 4 derp; 7+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Babe Ruth remained dead.

Strengths: With this shirsey you can celebrate the greatest hitter of all time without having to endure the guilt of wearing a Yankees shirsey. The only thing better than this would be a Babe Ruth St. Louis Browns shirsey, but the last known one of those perished in WWII somewhere over Okinawa. Design difference conveys retro/vintage look which is good because Babe Ruth is old as shit.

Weaknesses: Confused people might mistake you for a woman named Ruth. But those people are confused, and probably extremely stupid. Currently owned my Jake Mintz which means it can’t be stylish.

Overall Future Potential: 8; Babe Ruth’s time on the Red Sox is one of America’s truly innocent love-stories. The memorialization of said memories is an American obligation fulfilled by the wearing of this shirsey.

Realistic Role: High 6; “BABAY WOOF” – The Goonies

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the Babe is gone

The Year Ahead: Babe will remain dead and still awesome.

Wardrobe ETA: 1895

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Tampa Bay Rays Top 10 Shirseys

Jan6 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Rays BP Top 10 Prospects.

We don’t really know any Rays fans so we were stuck doing this entire list by ourselves. And by we, I mean me, Jordan. Jake formatted it like a month ago. That’s why it’s so late. Sorry! <3

System Quote: “Tropicana Field sucks.”

Rays Top Ten:

1. Yellow Matt Joyce

Size: M/L/2XL

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $12.99 + $3.99 Shipping

eBay Description: “Looks like a baseball jersey, wears like a tee”

The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 8 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: First, Matt Joyce played well. Then he didn’t. Then Delmon Young played instead of him. Then he took some naps.

Strengths: The only thing cooler than retro shirseys with silly color schemes are fake retro shirseys with silly color schemes. “Yes, Mom,” you’ll brag, “This is my yellow Rays shirsey.” You’ll also be able to convince your friends that the Rays were formed in 1971. Really absurd that the only player for whom this shirsey design is available is Matt Joyce.

Weaknesses: Fake time travel always pisses off the baseball gods.

Overall Future Potential: 7; elite design means huge ceiling

Realistic Role: 5; you’ll still struggle against left-handed friends

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; there are flaws in this shirsey’s game

The Year Ahead: This beautiful yellow piece of clothing will continue to fail to represent any part of Tampa Bay’s history.

Wardrobe ETA: ????

2. Greg Vaughn

Size: L

Current Status: Sold

Website: eBay

Price: $4.99 + $4.99 Shipping

eBay Description: “Some cracking in the printed logo/numbers. Awesome shirt at a great price!”

The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: It was the 10th anniversary of Greg Vaughn not playing professional baseball. Greg’s SON, Cory, hit .267/.346/.424 at Double-A Binghamton. Yeah. Also, holy shit, Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs in 1998 and hit more home runs in his career than Luis Gonzalez and other good baseball players. Good for you, Greg Vaughn.

Strengths: He’s Mo Vaughn’s cousin. Also, this was awesome: “In 1999, he became the only player in major league history to be traded after a 50-homer season when the Padres traded him to the Cincinnati Reds. Vaughn’s arrival in Cincinnati caused a bit of a controversy with club ownership and their no facial hair policy. Vaughn styled a goatee that he really didn’t want to remove. Fans urged owner Marge Schott to lift the long standing policy that had been in place since 1967 which she eventually did. On the field, he hit 45 homers and became the second player in major league history to hit 40 or more homers in consecutive seasons with two different teams.” (Wikipedia)

Weaknesses: He’s not Mo Vaughn.

Overall Future Potential: 6; still a Vaughn

Realistic Role: 5; still not Mo Vaughn, or Greg Vaughan from General Hospital

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; we’ve discussed guys named Greg on the podcast

The Year Ahead: Presumably his son will continue to play minor league baseball while he continues to not be eligible for the Hall of Fame anymore :(

Wardrobe ETA: 1998

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New York Yankees Top 10 Shirseys

Dec19 by jakemintz

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.

Click here to read the Yankees BP Top 10 Prospects.

Costanza, Giambi, Melky, Hafner, and Nunez write-ups are courtesy of Andrew Mearns, editor and writer over at Pinstripe Alley, the SB Nation Yankees blorrogrogrogrogorgorogog. You can follow him @MearnsPSA.

System Quote: “Derek Jeter really sucks at shortstop.”

Yankees Top Ten:

1. George Costanza

Size: XL

Current Status: No longer available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $54.50 + $9.98 Shipping or Best offer

eBay Description: “GREAT FOR YANKEE FANS OR SEINFELD FANS VERY HARD TO FIND JERSEY”

The Tools: 9 derp; 7 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 potential color scheme; 2 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: George Costanza continued to be a fictional character in the Seinfeld universe, serving as Assistant to the Traveling Secretary for the Yankees. Might have dealt with personal shrinkage problems and on an related note, suggest to Joe Girardi that the team wear cotton uniforms, as he did to Buck Showalter 19 years ago.

Strengths: You don’t see many fictional Yankees shirseys, let alone shirseys with the fantastic double-zero. No Yankee has ever worn zero, so it’s certainly unique in that regard. Also, Seinfeld.

Weaknesses: The price is insane. It was actually re-listed from its original asking price of $74.50. Stunned that it didn’t sell, amirite? Also, it’s no longer available, as the seller just settled for the best offer. I can only assume that the best offer was a couple of crayons and a pudding. Questions about shirsey legitimacy also raise some eyebrows.

Overall Future Potential: 6; Seinfeld isn’t likely to air again anytime soon, and more people will forget who George Costanza is.

Realistic Role: 2; it just occurred to me that people might think noted batting expert Jose Constanza joined the Yankees. Beware.

Risk Factor/Injury History: The shrinkage is a serious threat. Stay away from the pool.

The Year Ahead: SERENITY NOW!

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