Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Red Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.

Okajima, Beltre, Pedro, Clemens, and Schilling write-ups are courtesy of our internet BFF Matthew Kory. Matthew is a writer at Sports On Earth, Baseball Prospectus, and some Red Sox blog called Over The Monster. You can/should flolololollow him on Twitter by clicking here. 

System Quote: “This is our fucking shirsey.” 

Red Sox Top Ten:

1. Babe Ruth
2. Mo Vaughn
3. Sean Casey
4. Hideki Okajima
5. David Wells
6. Doug Mirabelli
7. Adrian Beltre
8. Pedro Martinez
9. Roger Clemens
10. Curt Schilling 

1. Babe Ruth

 Size: M/L/XL/XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase/owned by Jake

 Website: Stadiumstyle.com

 Price: $20.95

Website Description: “Ruth and 3 are printed on the back. Red Sox is printed on the front.”

The Tools: 4 derp; 7+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Babe Ruth remained dead.

Strengths: With this shirsey you can celebrate the greatest hitter of all time without having to endure the guilt of wearing a Yankees shirsey. The only thing better than this would be a Babe Ruth St. Louis Browns shirsey, but the last known one of those perished in WWII somewhere over Okinawa. Design difference conveys retro/vintage look which is good because Babe Ruth is old as shit.

Weaknesses: Confused people might mistake you for a woman named Ruth. But those people are confused, and probably extremely stupid. Currently owned my Jake Mintz which means it can’t be stylish.

Overall Future Potential: 8; Babe Ruth’s time on the Red Sox is one of America’s truly innocent love-stories. The memorialization of said memories is an American obligation fulfilled by the wearing of this shirsey.

Realistic Role: High 6; “BABAY WOOF” – The Goonies

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the Babe is gone

The Year Ahead: Babe will remain dead and still awesome.

Wardrobe ETA: 1895

2. Mo Vaughn

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $5.99 + $4.99

 eBay Description: “FROM A SMOKE FREE HOME”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mo Vaughn continued his various entrepreneurial activities including the trucking company he runs. Think about that. Mo Vaughn runs a trucking company. The world is indeed a harmonious place.

Strengths: Intense raw awesomeness. The ground will shake when you bring this shirsey into a room. Fantastic memories. You don’t wear a Mo Vaughn shirsey, a Mo Vaughn shirsey wears you.

Weaknesses: Only comes in L.

Overall Future Potential: 6; will remind people of a day before steroids when big fat dudes were nothing more than big fat dudes.

Realistic Role: 5; should have great peak, but will decline sharply toward the end of its life.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High risk; large thread count means greater likelihood of rips and tears.

The Year Ahead: This shirsey will continue to make it Mo Betta.

Wardrobe ETA: 1995

3. Sean Casey

 Size: Unknown

 Current Status: In a sports store in Japan

 Website: N/A

 Price: Unknown

 eBay Description: None

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; ??? price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Casey continued his run on MLB Network as the guy that is slightly more tolerable than Kevin Millar.

Strengths: You instantly become the mayor of every place you wear this shirsey to.

Weaknesses: No you don’t.

Overall Future Potential: 6; solid shirsey to remind people that Sean Casey played one pointless season in Boston

Realistic Role: 5; a character shirsey. Nice to have in your closet somewhere.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; you should always be able to roll out of bed with this shirsey on and hit .300

The Year Ahead: I assume he’ll remain on MLB Network so we can all look forward to a lot of arguments this season about why the Reds should give Joey Votto another extension until forever.

Wardrobe ETA: 1999

4. Hideki Okajima

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $0.99 + $4.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “BOSTON RED SOX OKAJIMA T-SHIRT”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: You’re not going to believe this, but Okajima threw four innings for the A’s last season. Seriously. That really happened!

Strengths: The Sox don’t get to the Series let alone win it in ’07 without Okajima and this shirt says you know that. Not only do you know it, but you’re willing to spend 99 pennies (plus shipping!) to prove that fact to total strangers on the street. Stop them, grab their lapels, tell them of Okajima, and give them a little shake for emphasis. They’ll thank you for it.

Weaknesses: Obscurity? But is that really a weakness? What I’m saying: its weakness is strong.

Overall Future Potential: 6; Okajima isn’t a Hall of Famer or even an All Time Red Sox, but he was a key player on a World Championship team. That’s worth a buck. And really, what else were you going to do with the money? No! Gross! Don’t do that.

Realistic Role: 5; this isn’t an everyday wearer, but throw it on in a pinch and it’ll do you just fine. That is, unless it’s an XXXL which it might be because I haven’t checked the size.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Unless Okajima comes back to set up for the Yankees, you’re pretty safe here.

The Year Ahead: Two and a third innings for the Padres, I suspect.

Wardrobe ETA: Whenever you want. It’s your damn shirt.

5. David Wells

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $10.99

 eBay Description: “Shirts vary in age and sometimes can fit different from year to year.”

 The Tools:  6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity;  5 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: I’m fairly positive Wells appeared on some channel on TV at some point. Whether it was TBS, Bravo, FX, or C-SPAN is beyond me but I’m almost sure that he was on TV. Sorry if that analysis is too intense for you.

Strengths: You are significantly more likely to pitch for an above-average number of AL East teams when wearing this shirsey. You also might even throw a perfect game. (Note: considering you probably don’t play professional baseball, let alone pitch for a professional baseball team, and considering the rare nature of the feat, you are statistically unlikely to actually throw a perfect game while wearing this shirsey.)

Weaknesses: This is one of the few cases where an XL seems a bit small.

Overall Future Potential: High 5; an above-average #trader jersey 

Realistic Role: High 4; bullpen shirsey that can scare you

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey could literally explode at any moment and I can’t even imagine how a shirt would go about exploding.

The Year Ahead: Wells will be appearing on his own Sundance Channel show, “Perfect: The David Wells Story”, probably.

Wardrobe ETA: 1998

6. Doug Mirabelli

 Size: Unknown

 Current Status: In a sports shop in Japan

 Website: N/A

 Price: Unknown

 eBay Description: N/A

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; ??? price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He Doug Mirabelli’d.

Strengths: The king of backup shirseys commemorating a man who played in only 566 games in a 12 year career. If you are on a trip you put this guy in your backpack. If you spill something and need to wipe it up right away, you grab this shirt. Because when the going gets tough the Mirabelli gets going.

Weaknesses: You’d be wearing the shirsey of a guy who hit .231 in his career. Is that really the message you send to your kids?

Overall Future Potential: 4; backup shirsey

Realistic Role: 4; backup shirsey for a long long long time.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; you’ll be giving this shirsey to your children’s children’s dog’s children.

The Year Ahead: While America crumbles, there’s backup catching to do. Hoorah!

Wardrobe ETA: When the fat lady sings.

7. Adrian Beltre

 Size: S

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $4.99 + $5.30

 eBay Description: “Selling a VINTAGE & RARE mens gray boston red sox adrian beltre jersey t shirt”

 The Tools: 4 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kicked serious ass in Texas. Can I say ass? Just assking.

Strengths: Strengths: Appears to be an actual shirt that will cover the upper parts of your body (minus extremities). Muted color won’t clash with your Dr. Seuss Cat-in-the-Hat hat, or that ski mask you were double-dog dared to wear into the bank.

Weaknesses: Number 29 is the same number Shea Hillenbrand wore with Boston so someone might see the number and punch you in the neck. I mean, it’s not likely to happen, but Boston has a long memory and what if, ya know?

Overall Future Potential: 7; Beltre might be a Hall of Famer in a decade so, a shirt commemorating his season in Boston ain’t a bad one to have in the closet come induction time.

Realistic Role: 5; Beltre is awesome and the head-rubbing thing is awesome, but the vicious take-out of Jacoby Ellsbury and the mediocre 2010 Red Sox aren’t especially memorable or worth forcing yourself to remember.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; not unlikely that you might put on this shirt, charge through the living room all willy-nilly like take out the dog’s shoulder in the process.

The Year Ahead: Continuing ass-kicking in Texas. *sigh*

Wardrobe ETA: Five or six years. Can’t wear the shirsey of a guy who plays for a competing team.

8. Pedro Martinez

 Size: YL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $19.99 + $3.99

 eBay Description: “Very cool Jersey style shirt”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He worked for the Red Sox front office. He also was an in-studio analyst for TBS during the playoffs and World Series, which isn’t particularly funny except that “analyst” has “anal” in it.

Strengths: Pedro. He was the greatest Red Sox pitcher ever. Yes, Clemens was incredible, and Cy Young and on and on (it’s a lengthy list), but Pedro, man. PEDRO. Quick Pedro facts:

1. In his seven years in Boston he had a 190 ERA+. Like, cumulatively.

2. The league’s ERA from ’98 through 2004 was roughly 4.50. Pedro’s was 2.52. He was two full runs better than the average pitcher!

3. That’s not enough?

Weaknesses: None. None whatsoever.

Overall Future Potential: This is a 2-8 scale so 9.

Realistic Role: 9; In case I haven’t made it clear, every Red Sox fan should have a Pedro shirsey. Every. Single. One. Hell, I own a Pedro Shirsey from his year with the Phillies. I’ve even worn it twice. It’s Pedro. There is no shame, just mango trees and awesomeness and strikeouts. Lots and lots of strikeouts.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Non-existent.

The Year Ahead: Hopefully more TV work for Pedro who, in case I haven’t mentioned it, is awesome awesomeness coated in another layer of awesomeitude.

Wardrobe ETA: Do it. Do it. Now

9. Roger Clemens

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $5.00 + $3.75 Shipping

 eBay Description: “This is a Nutmeg Mills brand Boston Red Sox t-shirt.”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 6 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity;  4 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Probably attempting a comeback with the Camden Pessimistic Anteaters of the Almost Not New Jersey League.

Strengths: The second-best pitcher to ever step on a mound for the Red Sox, Clemens won three Cy Youngs and an MVP for Boston and almost (a-l-m-o-s-t) led them to their first World Series win in a long-ass time. So that would be the strengths. By purchasing and then adorning your person with this shirsey you are aligning yourself with that. But, also this:

Weaknesses: Things kinda soured when Dan Duquette let him leave for Toronto as a free agent. (Nice work there, Duke.) Then there was the whole playing and winning a World Series for/with the Yankees thing. And the whole steroids thing. But mostly it’s pitching and pitching well for the Yankees. That’s about as big a weakness as you can come up with for a Red Sox shirsey. You could coat it in dog diarrhea and that would be less of a drawback.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if Clemens ever goes into the Hall of Fame (which, for the record, he should) it will be as a Boston Red Sox. There will be tears and hatchets buried in lawns across New England. That won’t alleviate all the weaknesses, but it’ll definitely put a dent in ‘em. That’s a pun.

Realistic Role: 5; thems some serious weaknesses and the Hall of Fame thing isn’t happening anytime soon because PEDs and Jack Morris won more games in the ‘80s.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Clemens is still a polarizing figure in Boston. The sins of the past haven’t been forgotten. So you could get ketchup ‘accidentally’ spilled on you. Or someone might ‘accidentally’ drop some beer on your shirt. Or you might get ‘accidentally’ kneed in the throat. Or you could just look like a schmuck who doesn’t know Red Sox history. Also the throat thing.

The Year Ahead: Things can only get better, my friend. Soon we’ll have flying cars!

Wardrobe ETA: You could wear it now, but 7 out of 8 dentists don’t recommend it. Though when you really think about it, what the hell do dentists know about Red Sox shirseys?

10. Curt Schilling Two For One 

 Size: Parent’s/Child’s

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $4.99 + $3.77 Shipping

 eBay Description: “The perfect way to bond while watching the playoffs!”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Defrauded the smallest state in the Union out of millions of dollars. The second smallest state is Delaware, so watch your back, First State!

Strengths: Schilling was a part of two – count’em TWO – World Series winning Red Sox teams, so that shit (can I say shit?) stands the test of time, my friend. Also, this isn’t a shirt, but two shirts! You can dress your shorty like Curt Schilling unless shorty means something other than your kid, in which case you can’t do that. I’m not so down with the street lingo.

Weaknesses: That whole defrauding thing, and he’s also kind of a dolt. I mean, I love the guy but we’re being honest here, right?

Overall Future Potential: 7; defrauding de-schmauding, two rings, ladies and gents. Two. /drops mic

Realistic Role: 7; this might not be your lead-off hitter, but a Schilling shirsey is an all-star addition to any Red Sox fan’s wardrobe.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Unless the dolt is really going to defraud Delaware. WATCH THE HECK OUT, DELAWARE!

The Year Ahead: WATCH THE HECK OUT, DELAWARE!

Wardrobe ETA: ASAP

System Overview:

For an organization that just one the World Series, this team is still loaded with shirsey talent from top to bottom. The Red Sox have worked to acquire as many ridiculously famous baseball players at whatever point in their careers as possible. This leads to a shirsey system filled with Hall of Fame talent and Hall of Fame personality. Okajima is the real outlier here, but that bullpen shirsey talent can NOT be ignored. The Babe Ruth that sits at the top of the list is as elite as it gets in the shirsey world; its historic nature should make it a Top 15 shirsey in baseball. Other legends like Pedro, Clemens, and Schilling bring a level of fame, fortune, and strange haircuts to this organization that it is definitely lacked in the past. This is a spectacular shirsey system, and should only improve in the years to come as soon as misspelled Jarrod Saltalamacchia shirseys start making their way onto eBay.