Boston Red Sox Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Red Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.

Okajima, Beltre, Pedro, Clemens, and Schilling write-ups are courtesy of our internet BFF Matthew Kory. Matthew is a writer at Sports On Earth, Baseball Prospectus, and some Red Sox blog called Over The Monster. You can/should flolololollow him on Twitter by clicking here

System Quote: “This is our fucking shirsey.” 

Red Sox Top Ten:

  1. Babe Ruth
  2. Mo Vaughn
  3. Sean Casey
  4. Hideki Okajima
  5. David Wells
  6. Doug Mirabelli
  7. Adrian Beltre
  8. Pedro Martinez
  9. Roger Clemens
  10. Curt Schilling 

Screen Shot 2014-01-07 at 12.37.23 AM1. Babe Ruth

 Size: M/L/XL/XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase/owned by Jake

 Website: Stadiumstyle.com

 Price: $20.95

Website Description: “Ruth and 3 are printed on the back. Red Sox is printed on the front.”

The Tools: 4 derp; 7+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Babe Ruth remained dead.

Strengths: With this shirsey you can celebrate the greatest hitter of all time without having to endure the guilt of wearing a Yankees shirsey. The only thing better than this would be a Babe Ruth St. Louis Browns shirsey, but the last known one of those perished in WWII somewhere over Okinawa. Design difference conveys retro/vintage look which is good because Babe Ruth is old as shit.

Weaknesses: Confused people might mistake you for a woman named Ruth. But those people are confused, and probably extremely stupid. Currently owned my Jake Mintz which means it can’t be stylish.

Overall Future Potential: 8; Babe Ruth’s time on the Red Sox is one of America’s truly innocent love-stories. The memorialization of said memories is an American obligation fulfilled by the wearing of this shirsey.

Realistic Role: High 6; “BABAY WOOF” – The Goonies

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the Babe is gone

The Year Ahead: Babe will remain dead and still awesome.

Wardrobe ETA: 1895

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Tampa Bay Rays Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Rays BP Top 10 Prospects.

We don’t really know any Rays fans so we were stuck doing this entire list by ourselves. And by we, I mean me, Jordan. Jake formatted it like a month ago. That’s why it’s so late. Sorry! <3 

System Quote: “Tropicana Field sucks.”

Rays Top Ten:

  1. Yellow Matt Joyce
  2. Greg Vaughn
  3. Akinori Iwamura
  4. Rocco Baldelli 
  5. Jorge Cantu
  6. Jason Bartlett
  7. Evan Longoria
  8. Rafael Soriano
  9. Johnny Damon
  10. Scott Kazmir

Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 1.14.07 PM1. Yellow Matt Joyce

 Size: M/L/2XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.99 + $3.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Looks like a baseball jersey, wears like a tee”

 The Tools: 6 derp; awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 8 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: First, Matt Joyce played well. Then he didn’t. Then Delmon Young played instead of him. Then he took some naps.

Strengths: The only thing cooler than retro shirseys with silly color schemes are fake retro shirseys with silly color schemes. “Yes, Mom,” you’ll brag, “This is my yellow Rays shirsey.” You’ll also be able to convince your friends that the Rays were formed in 1971. Really absurd that the only player for whom this shirsey design is available is Matt Joyce.

Weaknesses: Fake time travel always pisses off the baseball gods.

Overall Future Potential: 7; elite design means huge ceiling

Realistic Role: 5; you’ll still struggle against left-handed friends

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; there are flaws in this shirsey’s game

The Year Ahead: This beautiful yellow piece of clothing will continue to fail to represent any part of Tampa Bay’s history.

Wardrobe ETA: ????

Screen Shot 2013-12-19 at 1.17.37 PM2. Greg Vaughn

 Size: L

 Current Status: Sold

 Website: eBay

 Price: $4.99 + $4.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Some cracking in the printed logo/numbers.  Awesome shirt at a great price!”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: It was the 10th anniversary of Greg Vaughn not playing professional baseball. Greg’s SON, Cory, hit .267/.346/.424 at Double-A  Binghamton. Yeah. Also, holy shit, Greg Vaughn hit 50 home runs in 1998 and hit more home runs in his career than Luis Gonzalez and other good baseball players. Good for you, Greg Vaughn.

Strengths: He’s Mo Vaughn’s cousin. Also, this was awesome: “In 1999, he became the only player in major league history to be traded after a 50-homer season when the Padres traded him to the Cincinnati Reds. Vaughn’s arrival in Cincinnati caused a bit of a controversy with club ownership and their no facial hair policy. Vaughn styled a goatee that he really didn’t want to remove. Fans urged owner Marge Schott to lift the long standing policy that had been in place since 1967 which she eventually did. On the field, he hit 45 homers and became the second player in major league history to hit 40 or more homers in consecutive seasons with two different teams.” (Wikipedia)

Weaknesses: He’s not Mo Vaughn.

Overall Future Potential: 6; still a Vaughn

Realistic Role: 5; still not Mo Vaughn, or Greg Vaughan from General Hospital

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; we’ve discussed guys named Greg on the podcast

The Year Ahead: Presumably his son will continue to play minor league baseball while he continues to not be eligible for the Hall of Fame anymore :(

Wardrobe ETA: 1998

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New York Yankees Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Yankees BP Top 10 Prospects.

Costanza, Giambi, Melky, Hafner, and Nunez write-ups are courtesy of Andrew Mearns, editor and writer over at Pinstripe Alley, the SB Nation Yankees blorrogrogrogrogorgorogog. You can follow him @MearnsPSA.

System Quote: “Derek Jeter really sucks at shortstop.”

Yankees Top Ten:

  1. George Costanza
  2. Jason Giambi Red
  3. Red Bernie Williams
  4. Melky Cabrera
  5. Derek Jeter Grease Stain
  6. Pink Toddler A-Rod
  7. Mark Teixiera
  8. Travis Hafner
  9. Tino Martinez
  10. Eduardo Nunez

Screen Shot 2013-12-18 at 4.26.14 PM1. George Costanza

Size: XL
Current Status: No longer available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $54.50 + $9.98 Shipping or Best offer
eBay Description: “GREAT FOR YANKEE FANS OR SEINFELD FANS VERY HARD TO FIND JERSEY”
The Tools: 9 derp; 7 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 potential color scheme; 2 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: George Costanza continued to be a fictional character in the Seinfeld universe, serving as Assistant to the Traveling Secretary for the Yankees. Might have dealt with personal shrinkage problems and on an related note, suggest to Joe Girardi that the team wear cotton uniforms, as he did to Buck Showalter 19 years ago.
Strengths: You don’t see many fictional Yankees shirseys, let alone shirseys with the fantastic double-zero. No Yankee has ever worn zero, so it’s certainly unique in that regard. Also, Seinfeld.
Weaknesses: The price is insane. It was actually re-listed from its original asking price of $74.50. Stunned that it didn’t sell, amirite? Also, it’s no longer available, as the seller just settled for the best offer. I can only assume that the best offer was a couple of crayons and a pudding. Questions about shirsey legitimacy also raise some eyebrows.
Overall Future Potential: 6; Seinfeld isn’t likely to air again anytime soon, and more people will forget who George Costanza is.
Realistic Role: 2; it just occurred to me that people might think noted batting expert Jose Constanza joined the Yankees. Beware.
Risk Factor/Injury History: The shrinkage is a serious threat. Stay away from the pool.
The Year Ahead: SERENITY NOW!

Baltimore Orioles Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Orioles BP Top 10 Prospects.

Christ, Chen, Pie, and Sosa write-ups are courtesy of OUR GOOD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL ROBBIE SHORR. You can find him nowhere. He is a nice guy. You would probably like him too.

System Quote: “The Bible is the cradle wherein Christ hits 53 home runs.”

Orioles Top Ten:

  1. Purple and Green Christ Davis
  2. Melvin Mora
  3. Koji Uehara
  4. Mandarin Chinese Wei-Yin Chen
  5. Vlad Guerrero
  6. Garret Olson
  7. Kevin Gregg
  8. Felix Pie
  9. Rafi Palmeiro
  10. Sammy Sosa

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 2.04.41 PM1. Purple and Green Christ Davis

 Size: S, M, L (Apparently they have more than one of these)

 Current Status: 10 available (10!)

 Website: eBay

 Price: $17.99

 eBay Description: “Nobody knows t-shirts like Gildan, and this classic Ultra Cotton style is a great choice for teams, giveaways, marathons or anyone’s T-shirt drawer.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 7 potential color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Everything. After a torrid start to the season, Davis took some time off because he died for our sins. When he eventually rose, Davis continued to hit balls far, breaking the Orioles single-season home run record.

Strengths: Contains a superhero reference. Is purple and green.

Weaknesses: Is purple and green. Doesn’t really help quiet steroid rumors. (I assume that whatever radioactive stuff gave Hulk his powers is a banned PED).

Overall Future Potential: 6; if you wear this at a bar, you’ll probably get a few high fives.

Realistic Role: 5; it’s highly unlikely Davis hits as many bombs as last year.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; comes with all of the questions that any power-hitting shirsey faces in baseball today.

The Year Ahead: Davis will have to take a backseat to next year’s “Edwin Encarnacion.”

Wardrobe ETA: 2015

Screen Shot 2013-12-09 at 2.20.23 PM2. Melvin Mora

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $3.84

 eBay Description: “Given away at Camden Yards. In 2008 or 2009.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Melvin Mora spent most of his time at home taking care of his sextuplets.

Strengths: Like Mora, this shirt can play multiple positions. An extra large has the ability to clothe six children at the same damn time. Elite price.

Weaknesses: If you fear the devil, stay away from this shirsey. It features four different six grade tools and the number six on the back. Mora also has sextuplets. So yeah, beware. Also could be mistaken as a football coach shirsey.

Overall Future Potential: 6; because 6

Realistic Role: 6; because 6

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; price eliminates any semblance of risk.

The Year Ahead: The sextuplets will turn 12, seriously strengthening Fallston, Maryland’s Little League All Star Team’s entire infield. THE MORAS ARE EVERYWHERE.

Wardrobe ETA: 666

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Toronto Blue Jays Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Blue Jays BP Top 10 Prospects.

Arencibia, Lawrie, Halladay, and Snider write-ups are courtesy of the coolest Canadian in the history of ever, Andrew Stoeten (I literally don’t even know if he’s definitely Canadian). Andrew writes for DrunkJaysFans, a blorg on the Score network. He is funny and I’m pretty sure he has a beard. Go follow him on Twitter by CLICKING THIS SUDDENLY CAPS LOCKED SENTENCE.

System Quote: “YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TAKE THE GAMER OUT OF THE GAME BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE THE GAMER OUT OF THE GAMER. FULL BORE. 25 HOURS A DAY. 8 DAYS A WEEK.”

Blue Jays Top Ten:

  1. Sexy Delgado
  2. Joe Carter
  3. J.P. Arencibia Twitter Handle
  4. Pink Brett Lawrie
  5. Roy Halladay
  6. Travis Snider
  7. Kyle Drabek
  8. Dustin McGowan
  9. @RickyRo24
  10. Yunel Escobar

Screen Shot 2013-12-03 at 2.44.53 PM1. Sexy Delgado

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $21.89 + $5.56 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Hello, I have a great jersey/shirt up for auction”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 8 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He was the hitting coach for the Puerto Rican WBC team. He was also inducted into the “Blue Jays Hall of Almost Good Enough But Still Finished Third In the AL East.”

Strengths: This is about as awesome as a shirsey gets. It takes the usually dreadful mid/late 2000’s Blue Jays uniform design and flips it on its head and makes it look good. It’s also a v-neck, which means you can wear it out to parties without feeling left out. Carlos Delgado is also one of the most awesome players to ever purposefully live in Canada.

Weaknesses: Questions about whether the shirsey tag applies here. The color scheme raises questions about the shirsey’s legitimacy and origin.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if this bad boy fits you well then you’ve got a good ten years ahead of you.

Realistic Role: 6; if the V-neck dips down too low we’ve got a seriously awkward situation going on.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; machine-washability unclear.

The Year Ahead: Should continue to develop into one of the coolest shirseys on the web.

Wardrobe ETA: REMEMBER THAT TIME DELGADO HIT FOUR JONRONS IN THE SAME GAME!

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Detroit Tigers Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Tigers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Dontrelle, Shelton, and Perry write-ups are courtesy of Matt Sussman, our most recent special guest on the Barbecast. He is funny and you should like him. Follow him on Twitter @suss2hyphens.

Thompson and Thames write-ups are courtesy of Jordan Gorosh, our good friend over at TigersProspectReport. Go follow him too if you like hearing about what Eugenio Suarez is up to. 

System Quote: “You know, tigers are very unpredictable.”

Tigers Top Ten:

  1. Dontrelle Willis
  2. Horseman
  3. Dmitri Young
  4. Justin Thompson
  5. Joel Zumaya
  6. Chris Shelton
  7. Kenny Rogers
  8. Travis Fryman
  9. Ryan Perry
  10. Marcus Thames

Screen Shot 2013-11-29 at 8.45.28 PM

1. Dontrelle Willis

Size: M

 Current Status: Owned by Jake

 Website: Jake’s drawers

 Price: One million pesos

 eBay Description: “Very good shape”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 7 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; questionable price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Ended his brief retirement to sign minor-league contracts with the Cubs and Angels, with the Long Island Ducks in between. He still walks many batters.

Strengths: Great nickname (D-Train), great leg kick (D-Train Kick), was once a 22-game winner and the Rookie of the Year.

Weaknesses: Large amounts of cash causes him to break out in hives.

Overall Future Potential: 7; the potential of wearing a Dontrelle Willis original can be a positive experience. You can tell strangers “I saw one of his two Tigers wins in person.” (I did, but I do not have this shirt.) If the anecdote is successfully turned, you will become the life of the party that you most certainly crashed.

Realistic Role: 6; you can cut two additional holes into the shirt and make a dog shirt. A Dogtrelle Willis shirt.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Given that Willis’ DL trips in Detroit were officially because of “anxiety disorder,” that really makes this a melancholy shirt. It’s sad when a pitcher is sad and doesn’t pitch well, because preferably our pitchers have control issues grounded in funnier reasons, such as rattled by the core concept of “The Human Centipede,” or distracted by the pitching coach’s mustache or flatulence.

The Year Ahead: Quite possibly another spring training invite, because he’s Dontrelle freaking Willis and you’re not. Kick that leg to the skies.

Wardrobe ETA: 2018,

on his second comeback attempt with the Tigers.

Screen Shot 2013-11-29 at 8.47.02 PM2. Horseman

Size: XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.96

 eBay Description: “Detroit Tigers #4 Four Horseman T-Shirt Jersey Sz XXL”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: His lower, horse-ier half began to deteriorate, but his upper, more human side continued to grow ever so stronger.

Strengths: Custom shirseys that make their way onto the glorious utopia that is the eBay marketplace always sport at least plus-plus derp. Hopefully this belonged to a Tigers fan who wore a horse’s head to every game.

Weaknesses: Someone might take your name too literally and find a way to chop off your head. The number 4 on the back raises serious questions about whether there are three other horsemen running around. Previous owner may have been murdered and placed in someone’s bed, Karthoum style.

Overall Future Potential: Low 6; the elite derp offers a legit ceiling.

Realistic Role: 4; too many questions from your friends.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; dependent on both horse and man.

The Year Ahead: Will do man things. Will do horse things as well.

Wardrobe ETA: When the horseman cometh.

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Cleveland Indians Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 
Click here to read the Indians BP Top 10 Prospects.

Einar, Alomar, Broussard, Gerut, and Wright write-ups are courtesy of Al Ciammaichella, Indians fan and one of our bestestestestestestestest friends. Al writes for theclevelandfan.com and The DiaTribe. You can follow him @Gotribe31

System Quote: “Though we may know Him by a thousand names, He is one and the same to us all.”

Indians Top Ten:

  1.  Jordan Brown
  2. Grady Sizemore Haltertop
  3. Einar Diaz
  4. Fausto Carmona
  5. Ryan Garko
  6. Sandy Alomar Jr. 
  7. Richie Sexson
  8. Ben Broussard
  9. Jody Gerut
  10. Jaret Wright

Screen Shot 2013-11-23 at 5.35.50 PM1. Jordan Brown

 Size: M

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $9.67 + $5.49 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Very Hard to Find , ?? BROWN”  

The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Okay, to be clear, we have no idea who this shirsey is supposed to be representing. If it’s actually Jordan Brown, who never even wore number 63 for the Indians, then he had a really funny year. I say this because he was one of 17 million strangers to get at-bats for the Marlins this year. 15 at-bats, to be exact. Yes, this year! After not playing a single game in the majors since 10/3/10, Jordan Brown managed to put on a Miami Marlins uniform for 14 games and actually play. Of course, if we’re not talking about Jordan Brown, I have no idea. I suppose the color brown had a decent year. A lot of people pooped.   

Strengths: 63 is a cool number to have on the back of your shirsey. Paired with the surname “Brown”, this shirsey would fool any pedestrian who happens to see it. It looks enough like an actual player to be convincing. The player obscurity is an elite tool because again, who is this? Currently, Justin Masterson wears number 63 for Cleveland. “Nice Justin Masterson shirsey”, an unbelievably illiterate person might say. The eBay description sums it up; this is VERY hard to find.

Weaknesses: Seriously, what the hell? There have only 107 players in MLB history to wear the number 63. Only one of them had the last name “Brown” and he played in 15 games for the Angels from 2007-2008. Only five of them played for the Indians, one of which was Rafael Betancourt. Ew, Rafael Betancourt.

Overall Future Potential: High 7; remarkable consistency as it never fails to confuse anyone that has followed the Indians for too long

Realistic Role: High 6; sticks around for a long time as that shirsey you can wear in any situation

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; imaginary players can’t get injured

The Year Ahead: “Brown – 63″ will continue to not be an actual thing in the Cleveland sports community.

Wardrobe ETA: Never or always

Screen Shot 2013-11-23 at 5.38.43 PM2. Grady Sizemore Haltertop

 Size: One size fits all

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $15.00 + $4.50

 eBay Description: “I altered the shirt by my own halter top design to give you a great fit and a sexy look.”

 The Tools: 8 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Since the start of 2012, Grady Sizemore has played the same number of games as all the dead people have combined: zero.

Strengths: Most shirseys have the name on the back, but this monster flips the establishment on its head. Described by the creator as “D.I.Y.”, this shirt is a masterpiece of creative impulse. I’m not quite sure what the purpose was behind its creation, but it intrigues me in a way I cannot describe with words.

Weaknesses: If I wore it I’d  feel like I was wearing a regular shirsey backwards. Also, I don’t look very good in a haltertop.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if you saw a girl wearing this at a party, you’d approach her in a swift and decisive manner.

Realistic Role: 3; it’s actually just a rag

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the back has the potential to come untied at any point

The Year Ahead: If Sizemore can send the owner of this… “thing” more nudie pics then we might have a love story for the ages.

Wardrobe ETA: No!

Screen Shot 2013-11-23 at 5.42.58 PM3. Einar Diaz

 Size: One size fits all

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price:  $14.99 + $3.99

 eBay Description: “Díaz was called up in 1996 by the Cleveland Indians to back up then-starting catcher Sandy Alomar, Jr. He played sparingly from 1996-1998, and in 1999 he got his first starting job with the Indians due to an injury to Alomar. From 2001-2002, Díaz was the primary starting catcher for the Cleveland Indians. Following the 2002 season, he was traded to the Texas Rangers to replace All-Star catcher Iván Rodríguez, who left for free agency. This was the last starting job Díaz would see. He continued his career as a backup catcher with the Montreal Expos in 2004, the St. Louis Cardinals in 2005, and the minor league Buffalo Bisons in 2006.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Assistant hitting coach of the Baltimore Orioles. So nothing.

Strengths: He’s a catcher, therefore awesome. Was once traded as part of a package for Travis Hafner. Upon donning this shirsey, your ability to hose runners at 2B from your knees increases approximately 38%. Wear it to an O’s game to impress both Diaz and Jake.

Weaknesses: With the #2, could be mistaken for a Jhonny Peralta shirsey at a distance. He was really never any good. currently employed by another AL team.

Overall Future Potential: 6; if he becomes a major-league manager, this could become a fun shirsey to wear. Possible 7 if he becomes the Indians manager.

Realistic Role: 4; He’s already 40 (good God that makes me feel old), and is only an assistant hitting coach. Not likely to skipper a big league team, but could be a bullpen coach.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. Diaz should be pretty safe sitting in the O’s dugout. But then again that’s what we thought about Nolan Reimold.

The Year Ahead: Eating sausages in/outside Camden yards.

Wardrobe ETA: 2001

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