Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Orioles BP Top 10 Prospects.

Christ, Chen, Pie, and Sosa write-ups are courtesy of OUR GOOD FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL ROBBIE SHORR. You can find him nowhere. He is a nice guy. You would probably like him too.

System Quote: “The Bible is the cradle wherein Christ hits 53 home runs.”

Orioles Top Ten:

1. Purple and Green Christ Davis
2. Melvin Mora
3. Koji Uehara
4. Mandarin Chinese Wei-Yin Chen
5. Vlad Guerrero
6. Garret Olson
7. Kevin Gregg
8. Felix Pie
9. Rafi Palmeiro
10. Sammy Sosa

1. Purple and Green Christ Davis

 Size: S, M, L (Apparently they have more than one of these)

 Current Status: 10 available (10!)

 Website: eBay

 Price: $17.99

 eBay Description: “Nobody knows t-shirts like Gildan, and this classic Ultra Cotton style is a great choice for teams, giveaways, marathons or anyone’s T-shirt drawer.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 7 potential color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Everything. After a torrid start to the season, Davis took some time off because he died for our sins. When he eventually rose, Davis continued to hit balls far, breaking the Orioles single-season home run record.

Strengths: Contains a superhero reference. Is purple and green.

Weaknesses: Is purple and green. Doesn’t really help quiet steroid rumors. (I assume that whatever radioactive stuff gave Hulk his powers is a banned PED).

Overall Future Potential: 6; if you wear this at a bar, you’ll probably get a few high fives.

Realistic Role: 5; it’s highly unlikely Davis hits as many bombs as last year.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; comes with all of the questions that any power-hitting shirsey faces in baseball today.

The Year Ahead: Davis will have to take a backseat to next year’s “Edwin Encarnacion.”

Wardrobe ETA: 2015

2. Melvin Mora

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $3.84

 eBay Description: “Given away at Camden Yards. In 2008 or 2009.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 8 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Melvin Mora spent most of his time at home taking care of his sextuplets.

Strengths: Like Mora, this shirt can play multiple positions. An extra large has the ability to clothe six children at the same damn time. Elite price.

Weaknesses: If you fear the devil, stay away from this shirsey. It features four different six grade tools and the number six on the back. Mora also has sextuplets. So yeah, beware. Also could be mistaken as a football coach shirsey.

Overall Future Potential: 6; because 6

Realistic Role: 6; because 6

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; price eliminates any semblance of risk.

The Year Ahead: The sextuplets will turn 12, seriously strengthening Fallston, Maryland’s Little League All Star Team’s entire infield. THE MORAS ARE EVERYWHERE.

Wardrobe ETA: 666

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Tigers BP Top 10 Prospects.

Dontrelle, Shelton, and Perry write-ups are courtesy of Matt Sussman, our most recent special guest on the Barbecast. He is funny and you should like him. Follow him on Twitter @suss2hyphens.

Thompson and Thames write-ups are courtesy of Jordan Gorosh, our good friend over at TigersProspectReport. Go follow him too if you like hearing about what Eugenio Suarez is up to. 

System Quote: “You know, tigers are very unpredictable.”

Tigers Top Ten:

1. Dontrelle Willis
2. Horseman
3. Dmitri Young
4. Justin Thompson
5. Joel Zumaya
6. Chris Shelton
7. Kenny Rogers
8. Travis Fryman
9. Ryan Perry
10. Marcus Thames

1. Dontrelle Willis

Size: M

 Current Status: Owned by Jake

 Website: Jake’s drawers

 Price: One million pesos

 eBay Description: “Very good shape”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 7 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; questionable price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Ended his brief retirement to sign minor-league contracts with the Cubs and Angels, with the Long Island Ducks in between. He still walks many batters.

Strengths: Great nickname (D-Train), great leg kick (D-Train Kick), was once a 22-game winner and the Rookie of the Year.

Weaknesses: Large amounts of cash causes him to break out in hives.

Overall Future Potential: 7; the potential of wearing a Dontrelle Willis original can be a positive experience. You can tell strangers “I saw one of his two Tigers wins in person.” (I did, but I do not have this shirt.) If the anecdote is successfully turned, you will become the life of the party that you most certainly crashed.

Realistic Role: 6; you can cut two additional holes into the shirt and make a dog shirt. A Dogtrelle Willis shirt.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Given that Willis’ DL trips in Detroit were officially because of “anxiety disorder,” that really makes this a melancholy shirt. It’s sad when a pitcher is sad and doesn’t pitch well, because preferably our pitchers have control issues grounded in funnier reasons, such as rattled by the core concept of “The Human Centipede,” or distracted by the pitching coach’s mustache or flatulence.

The Year Ahead: Quite possibly another spring training invite, because he’s Dontrelle freaking Willis and you’re not. Kick that leg to the skies.

Wardrobe ETA: 2018,

on his second comeback attempt with the Tigers.

2. Horseman

Size: XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.96

 eBay Description: “Detroit Tigers #4 Four Horseman T-Shirt Jersey Sz XXL”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: His lower, horse-ier half began to deteriorate, but his upper, more human side continued to grow ever so stronger.

Strengths: Custom shirseys that make their way onto the glorious utopia that is the eBay marketplace always sport at least plus-plus derp. Hopefully this belonged to a Tigers fan who wore a horse’s head to every game.

Weaknesses: Someone might take your name too literally and find a way to chop off your head. The number 4 on the back raises serious questions about whether there are three other horsemen running around. Previous owner may have been murdered and placed in someone’s bed, Karthoum style.

Overall Future Potential: Low 6; the elite derp offers a legit ceiling.

Realistic Role: 4; too many questions from your friends.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; dependent on both horse and man.

The Year Ahead: Will do man things. Will do horse things as well.

Wardrobe ETA: When the horseman cometh.

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Indians BP Top 10 Prospects.

Einar, Alomar, Broussard, Gerut, and Wright write-ups are courtesy of Al Ciammaichella, Indians fan and one of our bestestestestestestestest friends. Al writes for theclevelandfan.com and The DiaTribe. You can follow him @Gotribe31. 

System Quote: “Though we may know Him by a thousand names, He is one and the same to us all.”

Indians Top Ten:

1.  Jordan Brown
2. Grady Sizemore Haltertop
3. Einar Diaz
4. Fausto Carmona
5. Ryan Garko
6. Sandy Alomar Jr. 
7. Richie Sexson
8. Ben Broussard
9. Jody Gerut
10. Jaret Wright

1. Jordan Brown

 Size: M

Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $9.67 + $5.49 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Very Hard to Find , ?? BROWN”  

The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Okay, to be clear, we have no idea who this shirsey is supposed to be representing. If it’s actually Jordan Brown, who never even wore number 63 for the Indians, then he had a really funny year. I say this because he was one of 17 million strangers to get at-bats for the Marlins this year. 15 at-bats, to be exact. Yes, this year! After not playing a single game in the majors since 10/3/10, Jordan Brown managed to put on a Miami Marlins uniform for 14 games and actually play. Of course, if we’re not talking about Jordan Brown, I have no idea. I suppose the color brown had a decent year. A lot of people pooped.   

Strengths: 63 is a cool number to have on the back of your shirsey. Paired with the surname “Brown”, this shirsey would fool any pedestrian who happens to see it. It looks enough like an actual player to be convincing. The player obscurity is an elite tool because again, who is this? Currently, Justin Masterson wears number 63 for Cleveland. “Nice Justin Masterson shirsey”, an unbelievably illiterate person might say. The eBay description sums it up; this is VERY hard to find.

Weaknesses: Seriously, what the hell? There have only 107 players in MLB history to wear the number 63. Only one of them had the last name “Brown” and he played in 15 games for the Angels from 2007-2008. Only five of them played for the Indians, one of which was Rafael Betancourt. Ew, Rafael Betancourt.

Overall Future Potential: High 7; remarkable consistency as it never fails to confuse anyone that has followed the Indians for too long

Realistic Role: High 6; sticks around for a long time as that shirsey you can wear in any situation

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; imaginary players can’t get injured

The Year Ahead: “Brown – 63″ will continue to not be an actual thing in the Cleveland sports community.

Wardrobe ETA: Never or always

2. Grady Sizemore Haltertop

 Size: One size fits all

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $15.00 + $4.50

 eBay Description: “I altered the shirt by my own halter top design to give you a great fit and a sexy look.”

 The Tools: 8 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Since the start of 2012, Grady Sizemore has played the same number of games as all the dead people have combined: zero.

Strengths: Most shirseys have the name on the back, but this monster flips the establishment on its head. Described by the creator as “D.I.Y.”, this shirt is a masterpiece of creative impulse. I’m not quite sure what the purpose was behind its creation, but it intrigues me in a way I cannot describe with words.

Weaknesses: If I wore it I’d  feel like I was wearing a regular shirsey backwards. Also, I don’t look very good in a haltertop.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if you saw a girl wearing this at a party, you’d approach her in a swift and decisive manner.

Realistic Role: 3; it’s actually just a rag

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the back has the potential to come untied at any point

The Year Ahead: If Sizemore can send the owner of this… “thing” more nudie pics then we might have a love story for the ages.

Wardrobe ETA: No!

3. Einar Diaz

 Size: One size fits all

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price:  $14.99 + $3.99

 eBay Description: “Díaz was called up in 1996 by the Cleveland Indians to back up then-starting catcher Sandy Alomar, Jr. He played sparingly from 1996-1998, and in 1999 he got his first starting job with the Indians due to an injury to Alomar. From 2001-2002, Díaz was the primary starting catcher for the Cleveland Indians. Following the 2002 season, he was traded to the Texas Rangers to replace All-Star catcher Iván Rodríguez, who left for free agency. This was the last starting job Díaz would see. He continued his career as a backup catcher with the Montreal Expos in 2004, the St. Louis Cardinals in 2005, and the minor league Buffalo Bisons in 2006.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Assistant hitting coach of the Baltimore Orioles. So nothing.

Strengths: He’s a catcher, therefore awesome. Was once traded as part of a package for Travis Hafner. Upon donning this shirsey, your ability to hose runners at 2B from your knees increases approximately 38%. Wear it to an O’s game to impress both Diaz and Jake.

Weaknesses: With the #2, could be mistaken for a Jhonny Peralta shirsey at a distance. He was really never any good. currently employed by another AL team.

Overall Future Potential: 6; if he becomes a major-league manager, this could become a fun shirsey to wear. Possible 7 if he becomes the Indians manager.

Realistic Role: 4; He’s already 40 (good God that makes me feel old), and is only an assistant hitting coach. Not likely to skipper a big league team, but could be a bullpen coach.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. Diaz should be pretty safe sitting in the O’s dugout. But then again that’s what we thought about Nolan Reimold.

The Year Ahead: Eating sausages in/outside Camden yards.

Wardrobe ETA: 2001

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Royals BP Top 10 Prospects.

John Buck, Country Breakfast, and Jeff Francouer write-ups are courtesy of the nicest Mark in America, Mike Ferrin. Mike is on MLB Network Radio because he is a big shot. You can follow him on Twitter @MikeFerrinSXM. You can listen to him share his baseball wisdom with us on our 10th Barbecast by clicking here. 

System Quote: “In a small way, having Chevrolet as a sponsor makes me feel like we’ve won the World Series.”

Royals Top Ten:

1. Gil Meche
2. Mark Teahen
3. Chevrolet 
4. Mark Grudzielanek
5. Coco Crisp
6. Mike Sweeney
7. John Buck
8. Country Breakfast
9. Bizarre Eric Hosmer
10. Jeff Francoeur

1. Gil Meche

 Size: M  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Mark Teahen  

eBay Description: “#55 MECHE SHIRT IS FADED AND SCREEN PRINT IS CRACKED/DISTRESSED”  

The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Meche is still busy walking away from $12 million dollars. It’s unclear how far away he’s managed to get from said $12 million dollars.

Strengths: When people repeatedly ask you why in the world you would wear a derpy Gil Meche jersey, just remind them that Mr. Meche was drafted 662 spots ahead of Roy Oswalt in the 1996 draft. Yeah. That happened. You’re also getting a combo package with the equally derpy Mark Teahen.

Weaknesses: You don’t want to be mistaken for Gil Meche, the guy who walked away from $12 million dollars. Also, much most Royals fans, this shirsey is DISTRESSED.

Overall Future Potential: 7; non all-star all-star level derp shirsey for all occasions

Realistic Role: 5; you walk away from it and never wear it again

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Meche isn’t coming back to baseball any time soon, so his beautifully mediocre MLB legacy should remain the same forever and ever

The Year Ahead: He’ll continue to walk away from the previously mentioned $12 million dollars. Maybe he’ll even start running away.

Wardrobe ETA: 1996

2. Mark Teahen

Size: M  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Gil Meche  

eBay Description: “#24 TEAHEN SHIRT HAS A SPOT ON FRONT SIDE STOMACH REGION”  

The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Teahen started the year with the Rangers and played a couple months in Round Rock before his release. He then signed on with the Independent York Revolution and proceeded to revolutionize things.

Strengths: Just like the brother Gil Meche shirt, the lettering is not normal. It looks kinda skinny. I guess Teahen’s been working out. Despite problems that come with the white shirt, the material looks fantastic. Great price.

Weaknesses: There’s a stain on the front; common of white shirts which are prone to such staining. This shirsey will probably make you ground into a lot of double plays in daily situations. I don’t know what that means but Mark Teahen led the majors in GIDP in 2007 so that’s where that joke came from. Alright.

Overall Future Potential: 6; makeup shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than expected

Realistic Role: 5; solid major league shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than you want it to

Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; the stain potential here is immense

The Year Ahead: Could be quickly transformed into a Teahen Tie-Dye shirsey and we all know how much we love/hate/love/hate/love those.

Wardrobe ETA: 2007

3. Chevrolet 

 Size: L  

Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $4.99 + $2.99 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Please let me know if you have any questions”  

The Tools: 7+ derp; 3 awesomeness; 2 truck obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Chevrolet’s “STRONG” ad campaign drove baseball fans to the brink of spontaneous combustion. We retaliated with fire… and Rock Shoulders.

Strengths: “Who’s Chevrolet?” Your friends will ask “Did he play second base?” Because let’s face it, John Chevrolet sounds like a scrappy second baseman from somewhere in southern Indiana. Raised by Irish-American parents, he fought his way through elementary school, curb stomping bullies with his kid size 12 light up Mickey Mouse shoes. From there, he grew up to become the all time points leader for the Jebediah A. Whoppingham Junior High School basketball team as a 4’8 twelve year old. Chevy, as his friends called him, finally started focusing solely on baseball during his sophomore year for the Murray Stinkytits High School Fighting Root Canals. He went on to dominate D7 college baseball at the University of The Lord’s Redeemed Savior’s Holy Cross Christ Davis College in Jesus, Indiana. After being drafted 1st overall by the Royals he shot up their minor league system as well as heroine which unfortunately sidetracked his career and led to his untimely death in 1987. He is survived by his dog Abacus and his pet box of goldfish Mark.

Weaknesses: “Please let me know if you have any questions” Uh, excuse me, I HAVE ALL THE QUESTIONS.

Overall Future Potential: 6; it could be the kind of shirsey that helps you find your cow in the rain.

Realistic Role: 3; it will probably break down in Triple-A

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; a lot of miles on that bad boy.

The Year Ahead: If we fix the rear axel and tweak the steering dynamics, we might be able to salvage a career for Chevrolet. If not, we’re looking at a shirsey you wear at the gym and eventually use as nothing more than a rat tailing weapon.

Wardrobe ETA: 20STRONNNNNNG

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Twins BP Top 10 Prospects.

Most of the Boof, Nishioka, Rauch, Blyleven and Neshek write-ups are courtesy of our buddy Brandon Warne. Brandon is the Twins beat reporter for ESPN 1500 Twin Cities which is funny because that means he actually gets paid to write about baseball. Unlike us. Thanks, Brandon <3 

System Quote: “There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins.”

Twins Top Ten:

1. Boof Bonser
2. @DannyValencia19
3. Tsuyoshi Nishioka
4. Jon Rauch
5. Adam Everett
6. Delmon Young
7. Kevin Slowey
8. Pat Neshek
9. Scott Baker
10. Bert Blyleven

1. Boof Bonser

 Size: S

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $20.00

 eBay Description: “This is a MINNESOTA TWINS #26 BOOF MLB BASEBALL T-shirt”

 The Tools: 7 raw derp; 7+ awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Spent time with Triple-A Fresno and Columbus. Finished up the year pitching with a team called the President 7-Eleven Lions in Taiwan. Seriously.

Strengths: Name, for obvious reasons. The only other player that can get away with his first name on the back would be Ichiro. Absolute toolshed. Boof is risky because of the questionable nature of the seller, but the tools are unreal. Shirsey is red, white, and blue (‘MERICA) which means you can fit right in on stars and stripes day (Thats July 4th for you commies out there.)

Weaknesses: Name, for obvious reasons. The shirt says BOOF on it, you guys. Risk of being labeled a boof for the rest of time.

Overall Future Potential: 7; Slots somewhere between tuxedo t-shirt and Superman ringer tee in your wardrobe.

Realistic Role: 5; Cheap joke potential at parties.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; Boof has been consistently injured throughout his big league career. There is little reason for this to change.

The Year Ahead: Beats the hell out of me. Maybe he’ll sign with the Mets.

Wardrobe ETA: The sooner the better. More precisely, spring 2014.

2. @DannyValencia19

 Size: Unknown

 Current Status: Owned by @Ovie1390

 Website: Twitter

 Price: Ask @Ovie1390

 eBay Description: N/A

 The Tools: 8 raw derp; 5 potential awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Valencia emerged as a decent platoon option for the Orioles against lefties, which is more than I can say for you.

Strengths: The best part of this shirsey is that the number on the Twitter handle doesn’t match the number on the shirt. Valencia changed his number between 2011 and 2012, but didn’t change his Twitter handle. Another important question to ask is why the Twins felt it necessary to make a twitter handle shirsey for someone who just slashed .246/.294/.383 in 608 plate appearances. Both of these factors contribute to maybe the best derp in the game. It’s the kind of derp you can dream on. The only other plus tool here is player obscurity which grades out as a legitimate weapon.

Weaknesses: It’s a Twitter handle shirsey. Despite such impressive derp, it might play down a grade because of the dorkiness of having a Danny Valencia Twitter shirsey.

Overall Future Potential: 7; the derp allows for a high ceiling you can dream on.

Realistic Role: Low 6; it’s derpy enough that you’ll be able to wear this to any black tie event.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; many moons will rise, many babies will be born, many years will roll by…but this will always be a Danny Valencia Twitter shirsey.

The Year Ahead: If Valencia can continue to market himself to the social-media savvy members of the Cuban-Jewish community, this shirsey should start flying off the shelves.

Wardrobe ETA: 2@19

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the White Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.

Shingo, Fukodome, Podsednik, and Garcia write-ups are courtesy of Matt Adams (no, not that Matt Adams). Matt is a writer for the blog Southside Showdown and you can follow him on Twitter @2014WhiteSox.

System Quote: “One must not let oneself be overwhelmed by sadness.”

White Sox Top Ten:

1. Shingo Takatsu
2. Albert Belle
3. Carlos Quentin America
4. Fukudome
5. Philip Humber
6. Brian Anderson
7. Scott Podsednik
8. Freddy Garcia
9. Baby Buehrle
10. Orlando Cabrera

1. Shingo Takatsu

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $28.99

 eBay Description: “MENS-LADIES-CHICAGO WHITE SOX-TAKATSU-10-BLACK SHIRT-L”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5+ awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He gong! Shingo is gone but not forgotten as far as MLB action goes, but 2013 marked his return as a civilian as he found the time to show up to the White Sox Social Media Lounge at U.S. Cellular Field to sport some White Sox sunglasses and make all the kids ask “who is that guy?”

Strengths: Marked as a Mens-Ladies, it switch hits itself into a wonderful tandem gift for your favorite White Sox loving couple.

Weaknesses: When sharing a semi-classic White Sox shirsey with your love, there is no clear platoon split. There are 7 days in a week and that’s an odd number. Something’s gotta give.

Overall Future Potential: 6; can confuse everybody for approximately one year. “How does he look so good?” they will ask. Ultimately they will realize…you don’t.

Realistic Role: 5; can flip those with those Frisbees up there but not going to give you much more than that.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; can’t hurt a low-mileage shoulder that’s sitting idly on the shelf.

The Year Ahead: Purchasing an MLB.TV plan like the rest of us.

Wardrobe ETA: 2010. Full disclosure: I own a Shingo jersey as a hand-me-down (hand-me-up?) from my little sister (Mens-Ladies!). It is 2-3 sizes too small which plays up the derp considerably.

2.  Albert Belle

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $13.74

 eBay Description: “Shirts are pre-owned and may show signs of being old school.”

 The Tools: 5+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: No one is quite sure but most think that Belle spends his time pushing over old people at his local country club.

Strengths: If you want to be a badass who doesn’t give a flying shit, then this is your shirt. This shirt warns those around you named Fernando to get the hell out of the way. Great price for product. Doubles as a below average Beauty and the Beast costume for those who don’t know much about baseball.

Weaknesses: Questionable makeup questions. Shirt has the potential to tear or rip at any point without warning. Don’t speak poorly about the shirt because it will come back at you in the media.

Overall Future Potential: Low 7; shirt could throw some blows. “F some S up” as the kids say.

Realistic Role: Low 5; you’ll be amazed by it at first, but you’ll soon realize how angry it makes you.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; despite granting you mental invincibility, the violent rages that this shirt could send you into are undeniably dangerous.

The Year Ahead: Just tryna stay outta trouble.

Wardrobe ETA: *punches space-time continuum*

3. Carlos Quentin America

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $19.99 + $ 5.99

 eBay Description: “Look great in this White Sox player t-shirt from Majestic”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3/7 design/color scheme depending on HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THIS COUNTRY; 4+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Carlos finished his first full season with the Padres by playing another half season with the Padres after his half-season in 2012 with the Padres. Yeah. That’s what he did.

Strengths: I called Carlos Quentin asking for a quote on the shirt. This was his response: “No one loves America more than Carlos god damn Quentin and don’t you forget it. Oh, and screw you Greinke. You broke my collarbone. I didn’t whine like a baby like you though. Also, #FollowMort.”

Weaknesses: Any America related merchandise is a sad attempt by MLB to sell you shit you just don’t ever need.  Advertised as a stars and stripes jersey, the shirt seems to focus more on the stars part of that. Shirsey is too dependent on American holidays to maintain relevance. Is this shirsey really a subtle attempt to remove the thirteen original colonies from the greater United States to form their own country called Quentinia? Probably not, but a man can dream.

Overall Future Potential: 6; when Quentin hits a homer on an American holiday, you’ll probably be on TV.

Realistic Role: 4; you’ll look dumb

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; considering America could fall apart any minute now, this jersey is a high risk. If America crumbles, so does the value of this shirsey.

The Year Ahead: If America can reassert itself as a confident and influential world power on a global level, this shirsey could gain traction. If the perception of America around the world continues to spiral downward then we could see a steep drop in the number of Carlos Quentin Stars and Stripes shirseys sold.

Wardrobe ETA: July 4th, 1776

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Athletics BP Top 10 Prospects.

Suzuki and Inge write-ups come to us courtesy of our most recent podcast guest and good friend, Jason Wojciechowski. Follow him on Twitter @jlwoj and go listen to his mediocre jokes on our less than mediocre podcast. 

System Quote: “Yes time travel is possible. Will explain later.”

Oakland Athletics Top Ten:

1. HD Baker
2. Kurt Suzuki Puka Shells
3. Jose Canseco
4. Mike Piazza
5. Cespedes “Grass and Dirt”
6. Brandon Inge
7. Jeremy Hermida
8. Matt Holliday
9. Brian Fuentes
10. Jemile Weeks

1. HD Baker

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.99

 eBay Description: “I don’t know who “HD Baker” is.  The back screen-printing is subtly different than the front screen-printing so I’m guessing this is a custom shirt, or a Little League shirt or something of that nature.  But if you want an obscure A’s t-shirt you have some to the right place.”

The Tools: 8 derp, 6 awesomeness, 8 player obscurity, 5 design/color scheme, 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hard to say, considering HD Baker is not a person.

Strengths: A customized shirsey that someone no longer wants is nothing short of a treasure. The shirt strayed from its original buyer and somehow wound up in the arms of a man or woman with an eBay account. A quick Google search reveals that HD Baker is not a thing nor has it ever been a thing. Searches on Bing, Yahoo!, Zappos, and LinkedIn also come up blank. A mystery HD Baker is and a mystery he (or she) will remain. Just tell all your friends that you misspelled HR Baker, the greatest home run hitter in the 1900’s. Baker was so good at hitting home runs that they renamed him Home Run. Where were we…

Weaknesses: Purchasing this shirsey means you’ll have to explain its meaning over and over. Considering you don’t actually know the meaning behind it, that seems like a drag. The mystery surrounding this shirt also has the downside that you have no idea where it’s been. Basement, brothel, sheep’s vagina; all legitimate hypotheses as to the previous location of this shirt. Maybe HD stands for High Definition… wait no that doesn’t make sense either.

Overall Future Potential: 7; Home Run Baker was a legend

Realistic Role: 4; you end up confusing the crap out of your friends

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; depended on the reading ability of the people around you.

The Year Ahead: I literally don’t know. HD Baker? What?

Wardrobe ETA: Right now. Buy it right now.

2. Kurt Suzuki Puka Shells

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $19.99 Buy It Now/$4.99 Starting Bid + $3.50 shipping

 eBay Description: “Suzuki and Oakland have had a reunion for the playoff run and this is your chance to support the team.”

 The Tools: 8 raw derp, 6 awesomeness, 6 player obscurity, 6 design/color scheme, 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Suzuki had his second straight garbage year at the plate and met with the indignity of being traded to a playoff contender in August to paper over an injury-riddled catcher situation and to receive absolutely zero playing time once the real players got healthy. Luckily, said playoff contender was Oakland, which is the only MLB city where anybody would be happy to see him.

Strengths: The puka shells are the real standout here. Pre-accessorized clothing can’t help but kill. It’s inherently strong. And pre-puka’d clothing is easy plus-plus. Also green and gold are the best colors in baseball.

Weaknesses: So why only a 6 awesomeness grade instead of an 8? Because pre-accessorized clothing is also inherently awful. It kills, yes, but the main thing it kills is your chance at positive attention from members of your preferred sex. Normally this simultaneous 8/2 situation would balance out to a 5, but we’re talking puka shells here. Puka shells! So it’s …

Overall Future Potential: … a low 6. Nostalgia-kitsch use is the main approved function, though it can also be worn once a year when he’s traded back to the A’s in August. Nobody else will wear this shirt. That’s somethin’.

Realistic Role: Also low 6. There is a 0% chance of this shirsey not reaching its potential. It’s a pre-finished product.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. I just said. Christ, you people sometimes.

The Year Ahead: Suzuki won’t re-sign with the A’s, so unless he ends up in San Diego or something, there aren’t going to be more puka-shell shirts produced. Oh, the player? Who knows. He’s a catcher. He’ll go somewhere.

Wardrobe ETA: Tomorrow. The auction ended. Nobody even bid $5. E-mail the seller and it’s yours.

3. Jose Canseco

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $17.99

 eBay Description: Literally nothing

 The Tools: 6+ derp, 5 awesomeness, 5 player obscurity, 7 design/color scheme, 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jose Canseco used Twitter to further cement his legacy as a legitimate crazy person. Posting disturbing pictures like this, this, and sadly even this, will get you to crazy person level.

Strengths: Like Canseco himself, the name/number/logo are almost too huge and barely fit the jersey. Despite questionable characteristics, Canseco was a pretty badass player. The darker green pairs swimmingly with the gold to provide a classic yet refreshing square dance of the rainbow. 33 is a plus-plus number.

Weaknesses: People may criticize you for wearing a shirt associated with such a vilde chaya. The oversized logo on the front is huge as is and may get even larger as it ages and develops. Concerns about the body are valid.

Overall Future Potential: 6; the dark green makes the other tools up

Realistic Role: Low 5; second division shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; unpredictability in regards to player, size of logo on front

The Year Ahead: Unfortunately, Canseco’s unpredictability is a double edged sword. While his posts about poop are hilarious and entertaining, it’s a legitimate possibility that you open the newspaper tomorrow morning and the headline reads “FORMER BASEBALL PLAYER CANSECO ARRESTED FOR STEALING 17 VENDING MACHINES FROM LOCAL OLD FOLKS HOME.” Whether his reckless approach acts as a benefit or a detriment has yet to be seen, but it is certain that Canseco is a shirsey to watch.

Wardrobe ETA: Whenever he gets arrested.

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Mariners BP Top 10 Prospects.

System Quote: “When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and shirseys”.

Seattle Mariners Top Ten:

1. Don Wakamatsu
2. Felix signed by Taijuan Walker
3. Spring Training Ackley
4. Derpy Jay Buhner
5. Tie Dye Ichiro
6. Gaylord Perry
7. Green Chone Figgins
8. A-Rod
9. Jarrod Washburn
10. Kenji Jojihma

  1. Don Wakamatsu

  Size: XXL

  Current Status: Available for purchase

  Website: eBay

  Price: $8.00 + $7.00 Shipping

  eBay Description: “You are bidding on a D.Wakamatsu tshirt.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 potential color scheme/design, 6 price

What Happened To The Player in 2013: Wakamatsu served as a professional talent scout for the New York Yankees and just two short weeks ago the Kansas City Royals hired him as a bench couch.

Strengths: You’ll be the only kid in school with a Don Wakamatsu Mariners shirt, I can promise you that.

Weaknesses: You’ll be the only kid in school with a Don Wakamatsu Mariners shirt, I can promise you that. And you’re probably a bit overweight (XXL).

Overall Future Potential: 8; Hall of Fame potential

Realistic Role: High 6; perennial all-star shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium Risk; Wakamatsu could get another managerial job.

The Year Ahead: If Wakamatsu does a good job doing whatever the hell bench coaches do, he might be able to get another managerial position next year which would make this shirsey a bit less awesome. But if Donny boy continues doing Don Wakamatsu things then this shirt has a chance to be elite for a long, long time.

Wardrobe ETA: 2014

2. Felix Hernandez Signed by Taijuan Walker (and Brian Hunter)

  Size: Youth M
  Current Status: Available for purchase
  Website: eBay
  Price: $8.99 + $4.01 Shipping

eBay Description: “Washed”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 2/4/7 player obscurity; 5+ future color scheme/design;  6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, Felix had another stellar season of pitching baseballs until Carlos Peguero’s wife stole a bunch of money from him and then HIS HOUSE CAUGHT ON FIRE. Taijuan Walker also had an awesome season, reaching the majors towards the end of the year while managing to avoid financial fraud. Brian Hunter hasn’t played professional baseball in 10 years and why in the actual shit did he sign this shirt I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s not the Brian Hunter who played one season for the Mariners in 1999…or the one the played one season in 1996. Does it matter? Maybe some guy named Brian Hunter ran up to the person getting this shirsey signed by Taijuan Walker and just ambush-autographed it. No clue.

Continue reading →

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Astros BP Top 10 Prospects.

System Quote: “The best time to wear a striped sweater, is all the time.”

Houston Astros Top Ten:

1. Hunter Pence Double Printed Shirsey
2. Kaz Matsui
3. Brad “Lights-out” Lidge
4. Roger Clemens
5. Bud Norris
6. 80 #Want
7. Lance Berkman
8. Carlos Lee
9. Roy Oswalt
10. J.D. Martinez

  1. Hunter Pence Double Printed Shirsey

  Size: M

  Current Status: Sold

  Website: eBay

  Price: $8.00 + $4.95 Shipping

 eBay Description: “The Medium is a missprint, having the whole decal from the back “Pence  9” printed on the front and the back along with the “Houston 9”

 The Tools: 8 derp; 8 not on team anymore; 4 player obscurity; 5 potential design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened To The Player in 2013: As a derpy scruffy old guy, Hunter Pence put up pretty good numbers for the Giants. He then signed a 5-year, $90 bajillion dollar contract ensuring he won’t be back on the Astros any time soon.

Strengths: First thing that jumps out at you is the double printing on the front of the shirt. Very rare to see such a trait in a shirsey. Most shirts only have the name on the back. This has it on the front and back. True two-way shirt. Top of the line oddity. Good, but not great price hindered by high shipping costs. Expected due to placement on ebay.

Weaknesses: Player relatively well known/still producing at a high level in the major leagues. Despite top end tools, placement on ebay always raises questions about makeup due to disagreements with the shirt’s previous owner(s). The old Astros color scheme feels outdated and uncool right now, but has the projection to be a hot commodity on the market.

Overall Future Potential:  7; one of the best shirts in the game.

Realistic Role: High 6; well above-average shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: High risk due to unknown nature of the second shirt and usual question marks that come with eBay.

The Year Ahead: Recently shipped off to a new owner, this shirsey should become a huge part of that owner’s life fairly quickly.

Wardrobe ETA: 2014

2. Kaz Matsui

  Size: Unknown
  Current Status: Owned by @leistomania93
  Website: Twitter
  Price: Ask @leistomania93

The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 future design/color Scheme

What Happened To The Player in 2013: Matsui played for the Japanese team in the World Baseball Classic. He may or may not have done things in the NPB this year for the Rakuten Eagles. No one is sure.

Strengths: The derp and the player obscurity on this shirt are great. It’s fairly easy to find a Kaz Matsui Mets shirsey, but finding one of Astros ilk is rare indeed. Kaz Matsui always inspires a chuckle in the gut, and I’m sure the lucky owner of this shirt has more gut chuckles than the average fellow.

Weaknesses: Like many of the older Astros shirseys, this scheme is lackluster and uninspiring. Worst aspect is that the shirt is already owned and therefore probably not up for sale. 

Overall Future Potential:  High 6; potential to ruin several dates for the owner 

Realistic Role: 6; occasional all-star shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk. Already out of MLB. 

The Year Ahead: If Kaz Matsui can do something insane like appear on a Japanese game show that goes viral or eats Ichiro then this shirt’s stock could rise. More likely that it stays put.

Wardrobe ETA: 2013

Continue reading →