Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read the Royals BP Top 10 Prospects.
John Buck, Country Breakfast, and Jeff Francouer write-ups are courtesy of the nicest Mark in America, Mike Ferrin. Mike is on MLB Network Radio because he is a big shot. You can follow him on Twitter @MikeFerrinSXM. You can listen to him share his baseball wisdom with us on our 10th Barbecast by clicking here.
System Quote: “In a small way, having Chevrolet as a sponsor makes me feel like we’ve won the World Series.”
Royals Top Ten:
- Gil Meche
- Mark Teahen
- Chevrolet
- Mark Grudzielanek
- Coco Crisp
- Mike Sweeney
- John Buck
- Country Breakfast
- Bizarre Eric Hosmer
- Jeff Francoeur
1. Gil Meche
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Mark Teahen
eBay Description: “#55 MECHE SHIRT IS FADED AND SCREEN PRINT IS CRACKED/DISTRESSED”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Meche is still busy walking away from $12 million dollars. It’s unclear how far away he’s managed to get from said $12 million dollars.
Strengths: When people repeatedly ask you why in the world you would wear a derpy Gil Meche jersey, just remind them that Mr. Meche was drafted 662 spots ahead of Roy Oswalt in the 1996 draft. Yeah. That happened. You’re also getting a combo package with the equally derpy Mark Teahen.
Weaknesses: You don’t want to be mistaken for Gil Meche, the guy who walked away from $12 million dollars. Also, much most Royals fans, this shirsey is DISTRESSED.
Overall Future Potential: 7; non all-star all-star level derp shirsey for all occasions
Realistic Role: 5; you walk away from it and never wear it again
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Meche isn’t coming back to baseball any time soon, so his beautifully mediocre MLB legacy should remain the same forever and ever
The Year Ahead: He’ll continue to walk away from the previously mentioned $12 million dollars. Maybe he’ll even start running away.
Wardrobe ETA: 1996
2. Mark Teahen
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $11.99 as 2 for 1 with Gil Meche
eBay Description: “#24 TEAHEN SHIRT HAS A SPOT ON FRONT SIDE STOMACH REGION”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Teahen started the year with the Rangers and played a couple months in Round Rock before his release. He then signed on with the Independent York Revolution and proceeded to revolutionize things.
Strengths: Just like the brother Gil Meche shirt, the lettering is not normal. It looks kinda skinny. I guess Teahen’s been working out. Despite problems that come with the white shirt, the material looks fantastic. Great price.
Weaknesses: There’s a stain on the front; common of white shirts which are prone to such staining. This shirsey will probably make you ground into a lot of double plays in daily situations. I don’t know what that means but Mark Teahen led the majors in GIDP in 2007 so that’s where that joke came from. Alright.
Overall Future Potential: 6; makeup shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than expected
Realistic Role: 5; solid major league shirsey that sticks in the wardrobe for way longer than you want it to
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; the stain potential here is immense
The Year Ahead: Could be quickly transformed into a Teahen Tie-Dye shirsey and we all know how much we love/hate/love/hate/love those.
Wardrobe ETA: 2007
3. Chevrolet
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $4.99 + $2.99 Shipping
eBay Description: “Please let me know if you have any questions”
The Tools: 7+ derp; 3 awesomeness; 2 truck obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Chevrolet’s “STRONG” ad campaign drove baseball fans to the brink of spontaneous combustion. We retaliated with fire… and Rock Shoulders.
Strengths: “Who’s Chevrolet?” Your friends will ask “Did he play second base?” Because let’s face it, John Chevrolet sounds like a scrappy second baseman from somewhere in southern Indiana. Raised by Irish-American parents, he fought his way through elementary school, curb stomping bullies with his kid size 12 light up Mickey Mouse shoes. From there, he grew up to become the all time points leader for the Jebediah A. Whoppingham Junior High School basketball team as a 4’8 twelve year old. Chevy, as his friends called him, finally started focusing solely on baseball during his sophomore year for the Murray Stinkytits High School Fighting Root Canals. He went on to dominate D7 college baseball at the University of The Lord’s Redeemed Savior’s Holy Cross Christ Davis College in Jesus, Indiana. After being drafted 1st overall by the Royals he shot up their minor league system as well as heroine which unfortunately sidetracked his career and led to his untimely death in 1987. He is survived by his dog Abacus and his pet box of goldfish Mark.
Weaknesses: “Please let me know if you have any questions” Uh, excuse me, I HAVE ALL THE QUESTIONS.
Overall Future Potential: 6; it could be the kind of shirsey that helps you find your cow in the rain.
Realistic Role: 3; it will probably break down in Triple-A
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; a lot of miles on that bad boy.
The Year Ahead: If we fix the rear axel and tweak the steering dynamics, we might be able to salvage a career for Chevrolet. If not, we’re looking at a shirsey you wear at the gym and eventually use as nothing more than a rat tailing weapon.
Wardrobe ETA: 20STRONNNNNNG
4. Mark Grudzielanek
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $25.00 + $6.15 Shipping
eBay Description: “NEW – NEVER WORN KANSAS CITY ROYALS SHIRT”
The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Climbed Mount Kilimanjaro with his blind dog Steve.
Strengths: That’s a lot of letters. Fifteen is a fantastic number. The diamond strategy to deal with the long name is preferred to the infamous “Lombardozzi Curve.” I’m not sure why his nickname wasn’t “The Grudes”.
Weaknesses: Questions remain to whether or not this is actually a shirsey. A move to a jersey would make the derp and awesomeness almost non existent. Price could hamper production.
Overall Future Potential: High 5; you’ll wear it to the movies
Realistic Role: 4; car wash time
Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate risk; only concern is spelling Grudaks… Grazdalun… fuck this.
The Year Ahead: 2014
Wardrobe ETA: Also 2014
5. Coco Crisp
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $10.99
eBay Description: “This is a gently worn 1x MLB KANSAS CITY ROYALS BASEBALL T-SHIRT, #2 CRISP, Sz. LRG.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Coco Crisp continued to play baseball on teams that were not the Kansas City Royals
Strengths: Coco Crisp is awesome and the number 2 is always a good one to have on the back of your shirsey. “Crisp? What is Crisp?” people might ask. “Your face is crisp”, you’ll respond, forgetting that you’re wearing a Coco Crisp Royals shirsey.
Weaknesses: This is an imaginary shirsey. There is no possible way that Coco Crisp actually played for the Royals. Coco Crisp was never a Royyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllll.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; has a lot of elite shirsey tools but it’s hard to comprehend them coming together to create a full successful shirsey product
Realistic Role: High 5; *gives high five*
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; Coco gonna Coco which means Coco Coco Coco injuries Coco Coco
The Year Ahead: Another year of based ballz for Mr. Crisp. Hopefully someone will ask him about that one year in Kansas City that I SWEAR DID NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN.
Wardrobe ETA: 2009
6. Mike Sweeney
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $8.00
eBay Description: “You are bidding on a M.Sweeney tshirt”
The Tools: 5 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Wikipedia tells me he joined MLB Network as a studio analyst over two years ago but I’ve never seen him on anything so it’s safe to say that Billy Ripken ate him or something.
Strengths: I’ve always been a huge fan of the black Royals design even if it makes no sense. He was one of the greatest Royals of all time.
Weaknesses: He was one of the greatest Royals of all time :/
Overall Future Potential: High 5; cool looking shirsey that you wear out to Chipotle
Realistic Role: 5; usable shirsey but doesn’t make it out of the house more than once a month
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Michael John Sweeney is about as low risk as it gets
The Year Ahead: He will continue to love Jesus Christ and brag about having one more career home run than Jeff Conine.
Wardrobe ETA: HAHAHAHAHA MIKE SWEENEY DEBUTED ONE DAY BEFORE JAKE WAS BORN (9/4/95)
7. John Buck
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $5.00 + $4.80 shipping
eBay Description: “90% COTTON, 10% POLYESTER, MADE BY FRUIT OF THE LOOM.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: During a family crisis, Buck was called on to watch his 2 nieces and his nephew. Wackiness ensued.
Strengths: Drying clothes in a microwave, threatening handsy teenage boys, peeing in urinals at a middle school. .
Weaknesses: Horse racing, reliability, commitment; likely tax dodger.
Overall Future Potential: 6; Buck’s always been an underachiever, but has flashed potential and occasional reliability that’s kept Chanice around long enough.
Realistic Role: 4. One bad week at the track and he’s likely back to his “get rich quick” schemes, and mooching money of his dweeby brother-in-law
Risk Factor/Injury History: A gambler, without steady income, who has a history of drinking, carousing and no work ethic. What could go wrong?
The Year Ahead: In helping Tia handle Bug, not turning Miles & Maizy over to DCFS, and finally showing Chanice what kind of a man he’s capable of being, this is a big season for the big guy to prove he’s no longer an overgrown child, but an adult, who’s capable of making sound decisions. But he could use to borrow $50. You know he’s good for it.
Wardrobe ETA: 1990
8. Country Breakfast
Size: S/L/XL/YM/YL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $15.00 + $3.00
eBay Description: “If you are wanting to get your Country Breakfast shirt in time to support Billy for All-Star festivities, I will do my best to meet you places in town and get your shirts to you with time running out for shipping.”
The Tools: 7+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Was devoured while also playing one of those games with the plastic golf tees, where you have to jump over the other tees, until there’s only one left. That game is a lot tougher than it seemed.
Strengths: Bacon, Sausage Gravy, Buttermilk Biscuits, Pancakes, Maple syrup, Eggs, Cheese, Ham, Potatoes.
Weaknesses: Sweet & Low in your coffee, side of fruit and tomato, egg whites. Walking into the restroom with the newspaper at 9:45am.
Overall Future Potential: 7; breakfast is the most important and delicious meal of the day. With plus-plus meat, and 600g of carbs, it’s likely to stay with you all day long.
Realistic Role: 7; Incredibly polished, Country Breakfasts have a high floor, even when they include a fruit cup.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Severe. Cardiac Arrest & high cholesterol are likely.
The Year Ahead: Sure to be highly sought after on family vacations, business trips with an expense account, and by college students at 2:30am on a Wednesday after they’ve closed down the Avenue Tap
Wardrobe ETA: 2013. Chances are it’s already shown up on your clothes this year, and been worn throughout the day, because you don’t carry a Tide Stick.
9. Bizarre Eric Hosmer
Size: M/XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $23.99
eBay Description: “Retail: $39.99”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Air Kozma continued to be the most beloved Cardinals shortstop since Ozzie Smith and carried the St. Kansas Louis City Cardinal Royals all the way to the World Series. He also won a Gold Glove.
Strengths: Jason Parks has a huge crush on Mr. Hosmer so transitive property blah blah Jason Parks might have a crush on you if you wear this (he won’t).
Weaknesses: Clearly fake numbers on the back lead to serious questions about this shirsey’s origin and conception.
Overall Future Potential: 7; “He’s a classic third-spot hitting first baseman with average and power.” – Kevin Goldstein, 11/19/10. Not sure if he was talking about shirseys.
Realistic Role: 5; not Pete Kozma
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; this shirsey is built to underwhelm through and through
The Year Ahead: Completely regardless of how well Eric Hosmer does on the field, this will still be a remarkably strange shirsey.
Wardrobe ETA: 2019
10. Jeff Francoeur
Size: YS/YM/YL/YXL
Current Status: Available for traffic
Website: Grandslam New York
Price: $31.99
Online Description: High Quality Screen Printed Graphics
The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Starting RF on opening day in the 2nd year of his $13.5 Million extension, he was released an…wait….this T-Shirt is $31.99? What the hell? What is this a Mitchell & Ness vintage Francouer T-Shirt? Did Jeff once wear this to Sizzler so it’s authentic?
Strengths: Throwing arm, leadership, willingness to buy beer.
Weaknesses: Frenchness; plate discipline.
Overall Future Potential: Seriously. This is a $32 Jeff Francouer T-Shirt. That doesn’t bother you?
Realistic Role: Likely to be unsold. Even to Jeff’s family. I mean, can you imagine a Hosmer shirt going for $31.99? Or Holland? Is this in Euro? It’s THIRTY-TWO DOLLARS. My god.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Risk? RISK? I mean, he doesn’t even play for the Royals anymore. And he likely won’t get a major league deal from any team, and this T-Shirt costs $31.99. You really need me to assess the “Risk”? Man, you’re daft.
The Year Ahead: 2014. It comes next on the calendar.
Wardrobe ETA: The only way you’ll get this is if you ask rich uncle Marvin to send it to you for Hanukkah. But it might be more fun to watch him light the money on fire.
System Overview:
Much like the actual Royals system, this shirsey system has clearly graduated a lot of talent to some lucky owners. The system remains strong with the Meche/Teahen duo at the top and some limitless ceiling shirseys like #COUNTRYBREAKFAST in the lower minors. The mysterious one-year-in-KC Coco shirsey is a sneaky nice shirsey that could stick around for a long time. The one shirsey you have to look out for in this sytem is the Grudzielanek; it’s the kind of shirsey that is only going to add letters as it gains experience and we’re all curious to see how many letters a shirsey can actually fit at once. This is an above-average shirsey system. In a small way, GM Dayton Moore feels like he’s won the World Series.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 