Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read the Indians BP Top 10 Prospects.
Einar, Alomar, Broussard, Gerut, and Wright write-ups are courtesy of Al Ciammaichella, Indians fan and one of our bestestestestestestestest friends. Al writes for theclevelandfan.com and The DiaTribe. You can follow him @Gotribe31.
System Quote: “Though we may know Him by a thousand names, He is one and the same to us all.”
Indians Top Ten:
- Jordan Brown
- Grady Sizemore Haltertop
- Einar Diaz
- Fausto Carmona
- Ryan Garko
- Sandy Alomar Jr.
- Richie Sexson
- Ben Broussard
- Jody Gerut
- Jaret Wright
1. Jordan Brown
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $9.67 + $5.49 Shipping
eBay Description: “Very Hard to Find , ?? BROWN”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Okay, to be clear, we have no idea who this shirsey is supposed to be representing. If it’s actually Jordan Brown, who never even wore number 63 for the Indians, then he had a really funny year. I say this because he was one of 17 million strangers to get at-bats for the Marlins this year. 15 at-bats, to be exact. Yes, this year! After not playing a single game in the majors since 10/3/10, Jordan Brown managed to put on a Miami Marlins uniform for 14 games and actually play. Of course, if we’re not talking about Jordan Brown, I have no idea. I suppose the color brown had a decent year. A lot of people pooped.
Strengths: 63 is a cool number to have on the back of your shirsey. Paired with the surname “Brown”, this shirsey would fool any pedestrian who happens to see it. It looks enough like an actual player to be convincing. The player obscurity is an elite tool because again, who is this? Currently, Justin Masterson wears number 63 for Cleveland. “Nice Justin Masterson shirsey”, an unbelievably illiterate person might say. The eBay description sums it up; this is VERY hard to find.
Weaknesses: Seriously, what the hell? There have only 107 players in MLB history to wear the number 63. Only one of them had the last name “Brown” and he played in 15 games for the Angels from 2007-2008. Only five of them played for the Indians, one of which was Rafael Betancourt. Ew, Rafael Betancourt.
Overall Future Potential: High 7; remarkable consistency as it never fails to confuse anyone that has followed the Indians for too long
Realistic Role: High 6; sticks around for a long time as that shirsey you can wear in any situation
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; imaginary players can’t get injured
The Year Ahead: “Brown – 63″ will continue to not be an actual thing in the Cleveland sports community.
Wardrobe ETA: Never or always
2. Grady Sizemore Haltertop
Size: One size fits all
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $15.00 + $4.50
eBay Description: “I altered the shirt by my own halter top design to give you a great fit and a sexy look.”
The Tools: 8 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Since the start of 2012, Grady Sizemore has played the same number of games as all the dead people have combined: zero.
Strengths: Most shirseys have the name on the back, but this monster flips the establishment on its head. Described by the creator as “D.I.Y.”, this shirt is a masterpiece of creative impulse. I’m not quite sure what the purpose was behind its creation, but it intrigues me in a way I cannot describe with words.
Weaknesses: If I wore it I’d feel like I was wearing a regular shirsey backwards. Also, I don’t look very good in a haltertop.
Overall Future Potential: 7; if you saw a girl wearing this at a party, you’d approach her in a swift and decisive manner.
Realistic Role: 3; it’s actually just a rag
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the back has the potential to come untied at any point
The Year Ahead: If Sizemore can send the owner of this… “thing” more nudie pics then we might have a love story for the ages.
Wardrobe ETA: No!
3. Einar Diaz
Size: One size fits all
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $14.99 + $3.99
eBay Description: “Díaz was called up in 1996 by the Cleveland Indians to back up then-starting catcher Sandy Alomar, Jr. He played sparingly from 1996-1998, and in 1999 he got his first starting job with the Indians due to an injury to Alomar. From 2001-2002, Díaz was the primary starting catcher for the Cleveland Indians. Following the 2002 season, he was traded to the Texas Rangers to replace All-Star catcher Iván Rodríguez, who left for free agency. This was the last starting job Díaz would see. He continued his career as a backup catcher with the Montreal Expos in 2004, the St. Louis Cardinals in 2005, and the minor league Buffalo Bisons in 2006.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Assistant hitting coach of the Baltimore Orioles. So nothing.
Strengths: He’s a catcher, therefore awesome. Was once traded as part of a package for Travis Hafner. Upon donning this shirsey, your ability to hose runners at 2B from your knees increases approximately 38%. Wear it to an O’s game to impress both Diaz and Jake.
Weaknesses: With the #2, could be mistaken for a Jhonny Peralta shirsey at a distance. He was really never any good. currently employed by another AL team.
Overall Future Potential: 6; if he becomes a major-league manager, this could become a fun shirsey to wear. Possible 7 if he becomes the Indians manager.
Realistic Role: 4; He’s already 40 (good God that makes me feel old), and is only an assistant hitting coach. Not likely to skipper a big league team, but could be a bullpen coach.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. Diaz should be pretty safe sitting in the O’s dugout. But then again that’s what we thought about Nolan Reimold.
The Year Ahead: Eating sausages in/outside Camden yards.
Wardrobe ETA: 2001
4. Fausto Carmona
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $4.99 + $3.77
eBay Description: “Cleveland Indians (Fausto Carmona aka Roberto Hernandez) T-Shirt.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He recorded his first win under his actual name.
Strengths: While identities are ever-shifting elements like leaves in the wind, the name on the back of this jersey will never deceive you. Great price allows for less risk. Fifty-five is a nice, slick number.
Weaknesses: “Hey man! Nice Roberto Hernandez shirsey!” You then walk away in shame as your 4th grade English teacher Mr. Mandinelli points and laughs.
Overall Future Potential: 7; absolute toolshed
Realistic Role: High 5; you can’t really trust this shirt
Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; low price, but legitimate possibility of fraud.
The Year Ahead: Somewhere in the DR, the real Fausto Carmona dreams about what could have been.
Wardrobe ETA: 2005… NO I WAS LYING 2013
5. Ryan Garko
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $8.88 + $4.00 Shipping
eBay Description: “I don’t see any stains or holes.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 5+ awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Ryan continued to Garko his way through life, whatever the hell that means. He didn’t play any baseball this year, as far as Wikipedia knows. However, he did “attend spring training with the Colorado Rockies.” Unclear if he even got an invitation from the team or anything, but he certainly attended. Good for you, Ryan Garko.
Strengths: *yawn* At least he was drafted two spots before Shaun Marcum.
Weaknesses: Everything but also nothing because Ryan Garko
Overall Future Potential: High 5; you’ll end up wearing it to sleep a lot
Realistic Role: 4; bench shirsey, will most likely end up in Japan
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; Garkos have been historically invincible but you still might get laughed at
The Year Ahead: One might hope he starts a rival car insurance company complete with the Garko gecko…but it seems unlikely.
Wardrobe ETA: 38 B.C.
6. Sandy Alomar Jr.
Size: S
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $4.00 + $6.00
eBay Description: “Great for wearing To a Game and Nice Item for any fan or Collector.”
The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He was the Indians Bench Coach, which means he thought the players how to bench (birkat hamazon and weights).
Strengths: He’s a catcher, therefore awesome. Long-time fan favorite. Everyone will know you grew up in the mid-90’s in Cleveland. Had the best 1997 of anyone in Cleveland, winning the ASG MVP and hitting the famous HR off Mariano Rivera in the playoffs. Named my dog after him.
Weaknesses: What the hell is going on with that giant # on the front of the shirsey? Everyone will know you grew up in the mid-90’s in Cleveland.
Overall Future Potential: 5. It’s Sandy, but again, who designed this shirsey?
Realistic Role: 3? I mean, it looks like they accidentally screen-printed the back of the shirsey onto the front.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium. Alomar will be coaching games in Chicago, and people in Chicago sometimes run out of the stands and attack opposing coaches.
The Year Ahead: Remains on the Indians coaching staff until a major league manager slot comes open.
Wardrobe ETA: 1998
7. Richie Sexson
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $11.99
eBay Description: “The Cleveland Indians are a professional baseball team based in Cleveland, Ohio. They are in the Central Division of Major League Baseball’s American League. Since 1994, they have played in Progressive Field (formerly Jacobs Field). The team’s spring training facility is at Goodyear Ballpark in Goodyear, Arizona. Since their establishment as a Major League franchise in 1901, the Indians have won two World Series championships, in 1920 and 1948. The “Indians” name originates from a request by the club owner to decide on a new name, following the 1914 season. In reference to the Boston Braves (now the Atlanta Braves), the media chose “the Indians”. Common nicknames for the Indians include the “Tribe” and the “Wahoos,” the latter being a reference to their logo, Chief Wahoo. The mascot is called Slider. The Cleveland team originated in 1900 as the Lake Shores, when the American League (AL) was officially a minor league. One of the AL’s eight charter franchises, the major league incarnation of the club was founded in Cleveland in 1901. Originally called the Cleveland Bluebirds, the team played in League Park until moving permanently to Cleveland Municipal Stadium in 1946. At the end of the 2011 season, they had a regular season franchise record of 8,771–8,449 (.509). The Indians have won seven AL Central titles, the most in the division.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He probably had dinner at least like 10 times.
Strengths: You can have sex on whatever you want. Get it? I’m literally 18 years old. Also, his middle name is Lockwood.
Weaknesses: I don’t know about you, but I’m not paying twelve bucks for a shirsey with a deodorant stain on the left pit.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; a role 6 shirsey, but high, because he was really tall.
Realistic Role: High 4; a role 4 shirsey, but high, because again, he was really tall.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; he was tall, and tall people get hurt
The Year Ahead: He will continue to be asked to get the paper towels at the top of the pantry and dominate in his local Washed Up Athlete basketball league.
Wardrobe ETA: As soon as you grow to be 6″8.
8. Ben Broussard
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $17.06 + $5.49
eBay Description: “Would also make a Wonderful Gift !!”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Broussard is now a full-time musician. He hasn’t put out an album since 2009, but his music career is still far beyond where his baseball career managed to reach.
Strengths: Versatility; you could wear it to a baseball game or to a Broussard concert. Does Broussard have concerts? I’d have to think so. It’s a true shirsey, simple and elegant with the script Indians across the front and the player’s name and number on the back. Simple, yet effective.
Weaknesses: I mean, it’s Ben Broussard. Even at 50% off, this shirsey is a little pricey for a guy like BB. While playing 1B, he once lost a throw from 3B in the sun, costing the Indians a game.
Overall Future Potential: 7; if Broussard can work his way to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, this shirsey would be the ideal thing to wear to the induction ceremony and become a Cleveland icon.
Realistic Role: 4; he’s got about the same chance of making the Rock Hall as he does the baseball Hall of Fame. I don’t think he’s going on tour anytime soon either.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium. If he does start playing concerts again, could get hit with a beer bottle while on stage.
The Year Ahead: Broussard put out albums in 2005 and 2009, so he’s overdue for another record. Keep checking iTunes, as I feel like we’re only a few short weeks away from a big announcement from BB.
Wardrobe ETA: 2004
9. Jody Gerut
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $19.99
eBay Description: “The mascot is called Slider.”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Unclear, but he went to Stanford, I’m assuming he had a decent fallback plan after baseball.
Strengths: Was probably the Indians best player in 2003; was definitely the Indians best player that wasn’t clinically insane (Milton Bradley). Not a traditional shirsey, but I do kinda like the ¾ red sleeves. Walked away from baseball in 2011 even after signing a contract with the Mariners, saying his heart was no longer in the game.
Weaknesses: Only had one good professional season. Only spent 2 seasons and change in Cleveland. Is probably smarter than you, and he likely knows it, so you’d come across as a bit of a yuppie if you wore this shirsey.
Overall Future Potential: 4; unless I was going to interview to work for Gerut’s venture capitalist start-up, I can’t see wearing a Jody Gerut shirsey, even ironically.
Realistic Role: 3; he did have that one season with an OPS+ of 120.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; he’s sure to have some sort of stable, white-collar job.
The Year Ahead: Making more money than you and I combined.
Wardrobe ETA: 2003
10. Jaret Wright
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $32.00
eBay Description: “The Cleveland Indians (nicknamed “The Tribe”) are a Major League Baseball team based in Cleveland, Ohio (in the Central Division of the American League). The club is remembered for outstanding players like Earl Averill, Lou Boudreau, Stan Coveleski, Larry Doby, Bob Feller, Elmer Flick, Addie Joss, Nap Lajoie, Bob Lemon, Al Lopez, Joe Sewell, Tris Speaker, Early Wynn, Cy Young, Sandy Alomar Jr., Roberto Alomar, Buddy Bell, Travis Fryman, Toby Harrah, Brook Jacoby, Julio Franco and Mike Hargrove.”
The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Self-proclaimed bouncer at Newport Beach Friday’s restaurant (citation needed).
Strengths: Former 1st round pick; electric postseason in 1997 and nearly propelled the Indians to their first World Series title since 1948. Yankee killer.
Weaknesses: Will forever be known as the guy the Indians refused to give up for Pedro Martinez following the 1997 season. Changed the fate of two franchises, and in the Indians case, not for the better. This is getting depressing. Bounced around baseball, including stints with the Barves, Yankees and Orioles. The shirsey’s front does not look jersey enough. Wright somehow went 68-60 in his career despite a 5.04 ERA.
Overall Future Potential: 6; he could get arrested for punching someone, increasing the overall derp factor.
Realistic Role: 4; Wright is likely lost to the annals of history, never to be heard from again.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High. There’s a decent chance Wright is in a bar fight even as you read this.
The Year Ahead: If anyone sees him, ask him what he has planned for 2014, but be sure to wait until after he’s finished pumping your gas.
Wardrobe ETA: 1998
System Overview:
This is one of the best shirsey systems in baseball. This is a system filled with plus-plus derp and a whole lot of player obscurity, starting with who we want to believe is Jordan Brown. Oh, and there’s also elite player identity concerns with Fausto comin in at number 4. You have to consider the fact that Cleveland is Cleveland and that means that people are trying to get rid of their Cleveland apparel, particularly Indians shirseys. This system is clearly boosted by the fact that eBay is drowning in comically strange Indians apparel like the shirseys above. The Grady Sizmore Haltertop is a top 25 shirsey in baseball, mostly due to it’s elite WHY WOULD YOU EVER MAKE THAT?!?!?! Add that to former fan favorites like Einar Diaz and Sandy Alomar, this is a system fully stocked to provide a bunch of time travelers the perfect shirseys for a 1998 Indians game down at THE JAKE. Just an extremely impressive shirsey system from top to bottom.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 