Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read the Twins BP Top 10 Prospects.
Most of the Boof, Nishioka, Rauch, Blyleven and Neshek write-ups are courtesy of our buddy Brandon Warne. Brandon is the Twins beat reporter for ESPN 1500 Twin Cities which is funny because that means he actually gets paid to write about baseball. Unlike us. Thanks, Brandon <3
System Quote: “There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins.”
Twins Top Ten:
- Boof Bonser
- @DannyValencia19
- Tsuyoshi Nishioka
- Jon Rauch
- Adam Everett
- Delmon Young
- Kevin Slowey
- Pat Neshek
- Scott Baker
- Bert Blyleven
1. Boof Bonser
Size: S
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $20.00
eBay Description: “This is a MINNESOTA TWINS #26 BOOF MLB BASEBALL T-shirt”
The Tools: 7 raw derp; 7+ awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Spent time with Triple-A Fresno and Columbus. Finished up the year pitching with a team called the President 7-Eleven Lions in Taiwan. Seriously.
Strengths: Name, for obvious reasons. The only other player that can get away with his first name on the back would be Ichiro. Absolute toolshed. Boof is risky because of the questionable nature of the seller, but the tools are unreal. Shirsey is red, white, and blue (‘MERICA) which means you can fit right in on stars and stripes day (Thats July 4th for you commies out there.)
Weaknesses: Name, for obvious reasons. The shirt says BOOF on it, you guys. Risk of being labeled a boof for the rest of time.
Overall Future Potential: 7; Slots somewhere between tuxedo t-shirt and Superman ringer tee in your wardrobe.
Realistic Role: 5; Cheap joke potential at parties.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; Boof has been consistently injured throughout his big league career. There is little reason for this to change.
The Year Ahead: Beats the hell out of me. Maybe he’ll sign with the Mets.
Wardrobe ETA: The sooner the better. More precisely, spring 2014.
2. @DannyValencia19
Size: Unknown
Current Status: Owned by @Ovie1390
Website: Twitter
Price: Ask @Ovie1390
eBay Description: N/A
The Tools: 8 raw derp; 5 potential awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Valencia emerged as a decent platoon option for the Orioles against lefties, which is more than I can say for you.
Strengths: The best part of this shirsey is that the number on the Twitter handle doesn’t match the number on the shirt. Valencia changed his number between 2011 and 2012, but didn’t change his Twitter handle. Another important question to ask is why the Twins felt it necessary to make a twitter handle shirsey for someone who just slashed .246/.294/.383 in 608 plate appearances. Both of these factors contribute to maybe the best derp in the game. It’s the kind of derp you can dream on. The only other plus tool here is player obscurity which grades out as a legitimate weapon.
Weaknesses: It’s a Twitter handle shirsey. Despite such impressive derp, it might play down a grade because of the dorkiness of having a Danny Valencia Twitter shirsey.
Overall Future Potential: 7; the derp allows for a high ceiling you can dream on.
Realistic Role: Low 6; it’s derpy enough that you’ll be able to wear this to any black tie event.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; many moons will rise, many babies will be born, many years will roll by…but this will always be a Danny Valencia Twitter shirsey.
The Year Ahead: If Valencia can continue to market himself to the social-media savvy members of the Cuban-Jewish community, this shirsey should start flying off the shelves.
Wardrobe ETA: 2@19
3. Tsuyoshi Nishioka
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: domeplus.com
Price: $10
eBay Description: “Adult Tsuyoshi Nishioka Red Player t-shirt lets you support the player without having to buy a more expensive jersey.”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Generously turned down the Twins offer of $3 million American to go back home with his tail between his legs (unconfirmed). Played 122 games with Hanshin back in Japan, hitting .290/.346/.382 while smoking a shitpile of cigarettes (also unconfirmed, but likely).
Strengths: Saw him in a red suit once. The shirt looks computer generated which is a plus because who doesn’t love technology. Plus derp comes from a player who only had 254 career plate appearances.
Weaknesses: Baseball-related activities. Marlboros. People will say “didn’t he play for the Mariners.” The number one always makes shirseys look a little bit fake.
Overall Future Potential: 5; the shirt more so than the player. Shirt’s a 5, player’s a low 3.
Realistic Role: High 4; bedtime shirt, or workout shirt if you like to tear the sleeves off those badboys. Makes a good shop rag after that.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Come to think of it, did anyone ever thank Nick Swisher for this?
The Year Ahead: Coming to a thrift shop nearest you.
Wardrobe ETA: Here and already gone, quite frankly.
4. Jon Rauch
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $14.95
eBay Description: “Jumpin James’ best deals in town”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 5 potential awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Actually had no idea what team he was on until he walked past me in the Marlins clubhouse. That didn’t go well (7.56 ERA).
Strengths: Height. The contradictory nature of a medium sized Jon Rauch t-shirt will astound and amaze your friends and family. The stripes…and did you hear about his neck tatt…..
Weaknesses: Human interaction. People will wonder where your priorities are. The awesomeness might not reach full potential. Once told a diminutive AP reporter that he was his size when he was born. Fastball.
Overall Future Potential: 6; did you know Mark Hendrickson played in the NBA?
Realistic Role: 5; this guy wasn’t good enough to play for the Marlins. The Marlins.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Very volatile. And tall. And did we mention neck tatt….
The Year Ahead: Can we just have Wilson Ramos back please? Oh, Rauch. He’ll probably end up pitching in the Mets farm system this year.
Wardrobe ETA: 2000. Back when he was Baseball America’s Minor League Player of the Year.
5. Adam Everett
Size: Unknown
Current Status: Owned by @Ovie1390
Website: Twitter
Price: Ask @Ovie1390
eBay Description: N/A
The Tools: 6+ derp; 3 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, he’s been working in the Indians front office since early 2012 so one could reasonably assume he had a huge part in scouting and signing Scott Kazmir before the season. Because reasons.
Strengths: Near plus-plus derp; having only played one year in Minnesota is always an impressive shirsey trait. Baseball-reference’s fan EloRater has Everett as the 1,504th best position player ever, two spots behind Shea Hillenbrand. If that fun fact doesn’t get you a some street cred, I don’t know what will. He won a Fielding Bible award in 2006!
Weaknesses: “He won a Fielding Bible award in 2006!”, you’ll exclaim, trying to justify the wearing of the shirsey. “SAVE IT, NERD”, David Price will respond, since he is obviously with you when you wear the Adam Everett shirsey.
Overall Future Potential: 6; it ain’t pretty, but it’s a major league derpshirsey and that counts for something
Realistic Role: 5; carve out a career as a utility shirsey for one your Boof shirseys are in the wash
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; it’s Adam Everett like whatever man
The Year Ahead: Chances are he’ll have a big part in getting the Indians to sign another glove-first, no bat shortstop like himself. Might I suggest Yuniesky Betancourt?
Wardrobe ETA: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
6. Kevin Slowey
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: Domeplus.com
Price: $10.00 + shipping
Website Description: “Slowey’s name AND number are screen printed on the back in two color lettering.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 5 potential awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Slowey slowly established himself as one of the lowly rollie pollie ollies in all of basebolly.
Strengths: If you went to a baseball game and saw a Kevin Slowey shirsey, you’d take a picture and send it to us. That is all. Like most of this system, the awesomeness is a factor in allowing the derp to play to full potential. The price is a big plus as you really shouldn’t pay any more than that for such a high risk shirsey.
Weaknesses: You’ll cry yourself to sleep in this shirsey. Tormented by its mediocrity, you’ll toss it off a bridge into the arms of its next victim.
Overall Future Potential: 5; nothing special
Realistic Role: 5; sorry what was that I fell asleep
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this is the kind of shirt that has the potential to overtake your soul
The Year Ahead: Kevin Slowey should continue to do exciting Kevin Slowey things like mow the lawn and clean his toenails.
Wardrobe ETA: 200slowey
7. Delmon Young
Size: XXL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: Domeplus.com
Price: $10.00 + shipping
Website Description: “Young’s name AND number are screen printed on the back in two color lettering.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4+ player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Delmon continued to Delmon, this time in Philadelphia and Tampa Bay. It was another .300 OBP season for our favorite anti-semite. He did manage to complete his seventh consecutive year without throwing a bat at an umpire so yeah, little victories.
Strengths: XXL Delmon Young shirseys are always hilarious, especially on the Twins as those were his peak performance and obesity years. Delmon is unmatched in his ability to produce strangely high RBI totals but remain in negative WAR territory. Delmon is more anti-WAR than any of your hippie neighbors. Site clearly states it has his name ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD number. What a find.
Weaknesses: It’s not like anyone actually likes Delmon Young, so it could be kinda tough for you to convince your friends that the derp of it makes it okay to wear. XXL is big, like, bigger than a large, AND an XL so yeah, maybe don’t eat that second Baconator for breakfast.
Overall Future Potential: 8; all-star talent with all five tools
Realistic Role: 3; he fucking sucks
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; you know he sucks and you know exactly what you’re getting. HE’S DELMON DAMARCUS YOUNG.
The Year Ahead: If we’re lucky, he returns to Philadelphia on a three year package deal with his older brother Dmitri. Come on, Ruben. You know you want to.
Wardrobe ETA: 2003
8. Pat Neshek
Size: XXL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: Domeplus.com
Price: $10.00 + shipping
Website Description: “The t-shirt is made of 100% cotton”
The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Had a pretty good year as a middle reliever for the Oakland A’s. Now a free agent after being outrighted off 40-man roster.
Strengths: Fan interaction. Sweet delivery (can’t tell me that doesn’t come straight outta 1880). Personality. Sweet website.
Weaknesses: Staying healthy. Baseball cards. Autographs. Control.
Overall Future Potential: Cult hero.
Realistic Role: Cult hero.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High. Already missed a lot of time, and has a really, really wild delivery.
The Year Ahead: Probably will sign with the Mets.
Wardrobe ETA: Already there. Check your drawer.
9. Scott Baker
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $4.95 + $5.00 Shipping
eBay Description: “There is a small fade on the shoulder from being on a hanger.”
The Tools: 5 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: I literally have no idea. Baseball-reference tells me that he threw only 15 innings for the Cubs, which means he either got hurt or moved to Tibet to become a monk.
Strengths: Good bang for your buck. If you are literally a baker then this will allow those around you to know your profession while also showing them what team you root for. Also, I’d love to try your cookies.
Weaknesses: Nothing flashy here. Not a shirt that’s gonna make you wanna take your socks off. If you aren’t a baker, you might confuse your friends, co-workers, and babysitters’ barber’s grandma.
Overall Future Potential: 5; good for you if you’re a baker
Realistic Role: 2; YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT A BAKER
Risk Factor/Injury History: There’s very little that’s high risk about Scott Baker, besides his right arm.
The Year Ahead: Hopefully Baker goes to Japan to challenge Wladamir Balentien’s home run record.
Wardrobe ETA: 2000……zzzzzzzz
10. Bert Blyleven
Size: M/L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: kohls.com
Price: $11.20
Website Description: “Bring on the bright lights and the big city. Gear up for the season with this men’s Majestic Minnesota Twins Bert Blyleven tee.”
The Tools: 5 derp; 7 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Turned 62. He actually keeps a count of how many days it is until his birthday, and regales viewers with it on a weekly basis.
Strengths: Swearing off the air. Flatulence. Pranks. There’s a drinking game made up of his on-air antics. In fact, probably more than one.
Weaknesses: Swearing on the air. PITCHf/x. Cybermetrics. Little cutters. At the major league level.
Overall Future Potential: He’s a Hall of Famer, what else is there? Death?
Realistic Role: Competent color commentator. Dutch pitching coach. Hall of Fame stumper.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Will be a senior citizen soon. So you know….
The Year Ahead: Color commentary for another bad — but probably not AS bad — Twins team. Probably won’t sign with the Mets.
Wardrobe ETA: 19 years after he retires.
System Overview:
This is a system that boasts two extremely high ceilings in BOOF and @DannyValencia19. BOOF is one of the top shirseys in the game today, with three plus-plus tools that have a very real chance to play. Valencia Twitter shirsey has some of the best, if not the best raw derp in the shirsey leagues; the two different numbers allow this derp to play up to its full potential. These two super studs are followed by an impressive collection of safe but high-upside shirseys such as Rauch and XXL Delmon. This is one the better shirsey systems in the game and it should stay that way for a long time considering they currently have players on their roster named Darin Mastroianni, Pedro Florimon and Chris Colabello.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 
