Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read the White Sox BP Top 10 Prospects.
Shingo, Fukodome, Podsednik, and Garcia write-ups are courtesy of Matt Adams (no, not that Matt Adams). Matt is a writer for the blog Southside Showdown and you can follow him on Twitter @2014WhiteSox.
System Quote: “One must not let oneself be overwhelmed by sadness.”
White Sox Top Ten:
- Shingo Takatsu
- Albert Belle
- Carlos Quentin America
- Fukudome
- Philip Humber
- Brian Anderson
- Scott Podsednik
- Freddy Garcia
- Baby Buehrle
- Orlando Cabrera
1. Shingo Takatsu
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $28.99
eBay Description: “MENS-LADIES-CHICAGO WHITE SOX-TAKATSU-10-BLACK SHIRT-L”
The Tools: 6 derp; 5+ awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He gong! Shingo is gone but not forgotten as far as MLB action goes, but 2013 marked his return as a civilian as he found the time to show up to the White Sox Social Media Lounge at U.S. Cellular Field to sport some White Sox sunglasses and make all the kids ask “who is that guy?”
Strengths: Marked as a Mens-Ladies, it switch hits itself into a wonderful tandem gift for your favorite White Sox loving couple.
Weaknesses: When sharing a semi-classic White Sox shirsey with your love, there is no clear platoon split. There are 7 days in a week and that’s an odd number. Something’s gotta give.
Overall Future Potential: 6; can confuse everybody for approximately one year. “How does he look so good?” they will ask. Ultimately they will realize…you don’t.
Realistic Role: 5; can flip those with those Frisbees up there but not going to give you much more than that.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; can’t hurt a low-mileage shoulder that’s sitting idly on the shelf.
The Year Ahead: Purchasing an MLB.TV plan like the rest of us.
Wardrobe ETA: 2010. Full disclosure: I own a Shingo jersey as a hand-me-down (hand-me-up?) from my little sister (Mens-Ladies!). It is 2-3 sizes too small which plays up the derp considerably.
2. Albert Belle
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $13.74
eBay Description: “Shirts are pre-owned and may show signs of being old school.”
The Tools: 5+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: No one is quite sure but most think that Belle spends his time pushing over old people at his local country club.
Strengths: If you want to be a badass who doesn’t give a flying shit, then this is your shirt. This shirt warns those around you named Fernando to get the hell out of the way. Great price for product. Doubles as a below average Beauty and the Beast costume for those who don’t know much about baseball.
Weaknesses: Questionable makeup questions. Shirt has the potential to tear or rip at any point without warning. Don’t speak poorly about the shirt because it will come back at you in the media.
Overall Future Potential: Low 7; shirt could throw some blows. “F some S up” as the kids say.
Realistic Role: Low 5; you’ll be amazed by it at first, but you’ll soon realize how angry it makes you.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; despite granting you mental invincibility, the violent rages that this shirt could send you into are undeniably dangerous.
The Year Ahead: Just tryna stay outta trouble.
Wardrobe ETA: *punches space-time continuum*
3. Carlos Quentin America
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $19.99 + $ 5.99
eBay Description: “Look great in this White Sox player t-shirt from Majestic”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3/7 design/color scheme depending on HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THIS COUNTRY; 4+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Carlos finished his first full season with the Padres by playing another half season with the Padres after his half-season in 2012 with the Padres. Yeah. That’s what he did.
Strengths: I called Carlos Quentin asking for a quote on the shirt. This was his response: “No one loves America more than Carlos god damn Quentin and don’t you forget it. Oh, and screw you Greinke. You broke my collarbone. I didn’t whine like a baby like you though. Also, #FollowMort.”
Weaknesses: Any America related merchandise is a sad attempt by MLB to sell you shit you just don’t ever need. Advertised as a stars and stripes jersey, the shirt seems to focus more on the stars part of that. Shirsey is too dependent on American holidays to maintain relevance. Is this shirsey really a subtle attempt to remove the thirteen original colonies from the greater United States to form their own country called Quentinia? Probably not, but a man can dream.
Overall Future Potential: 6; when Quentin hits a homer on an American holiday, you’ll probably be on TV.
Realistic Role: 4; you’ll look dumb
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; considering America could fall apart any minute now, this jersey is a high risk. If America crumbles, so does the value of this shirsey.
The Year Ahead: If America can reassert itself as a confident and influential world power on a global level, this shirsey could gain traction. If the perception of America around the world continues to spiral downward then we could see a steep drop in the number of Carlos Quentin Stars and Stripes shirseys sold.
Wardrobe ETA: July 4th, 1776
4. Costco Fuckdome
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $6.98 + $5.95 shipping
eBay Description: “THIS IS A DAMAGED SHIRT BEING SOLD AT A DISCOUNT”
The Tools: 8 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; ?!?!?! design/color scheme; 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kosuke returned to Japan and signed with the Hanshin Tigers where they are unafraid to give 3 year contracts to washed up 35-year olds. Miraculously, he is still yet to irretrievably corkscrew himself into the ground on a swing and miss.
Strengths: Unique for sure. Is it a Bulls shirsey? No, it’s got an MLB tag. Is it a Cubs shirsey? Possibly, but the seller does insist that it’s a White Sox shirsey, so we’ve got no choice but to believe. We believe in Kosuke Fukudome.
Weaknesses: What is really going on here? I don’t understand. Fukudome was only on the Sox for 51 shame filled plate appearances tallying a .489 OPS…why does this exist?
Overall Future Potential: 4+; the ambiguity of the design pushes an embarrassing shirsey to an embarrassing conversation piece.
Realistic Role: 2; at some point some one in the organization will realize that this is literally not a White Sox shirsey.
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; physical damage clearly stated upfront. Mental damage imminent.
The Year Ahead: Fukudome is unlikely to go all Matt Murton, Wladimir Balentien, or Tuffy Rhodes while toiling in the Far east. Just be happy he gets to spend time with his family, I guess.
Wardrobe ETA: 2012
5. Philip Humber
Size: S/M/L/XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: MLB Shop
Price: $11.97
eBay Description: “GIFT WRAP AVAILABLE”
The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mr. Humber took his talents to Houston where he had a 7.90 ERA in 54.2 innings and didn’t throw a perfect game against the Seattle Mariners.
Strengths: Rhymes with cucumber; no matter how much he sucks now, he still threw that perfect game against the Seattle Mariners once. Also threw a perfect game against the Seattle Mariners. When people ask you who the hell Humber is, you’ll tell them he was the guy that threw the perfect game against the Seattle Mariners.
Weaknesses: He threw his perfect game against the Seattle Mariners, so
Overall Future Potential: Low 6; still valuable and notable because of the perfect game he threw against the Seattle Mariners, but the ceiling is limited because he’s actually pretty terrible
Realistic Role: 5; major league shirsey because he still threw that perfect game against the Seattle Mariners at Safeco Field
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; he’s basically bottomed out as a major league pitcher but that doesn’t affect the value of the status because of that time he didn’t allow a single Seattle Mariner to reach base for an entire game
The Year Ahead: He signed a minor league contract with the Oakland Athletics a few weeks ago, slightly increasing his chances of throwing another perfect game against the Seattle Mariners.
Wardrobe ETA: 200perfectgameagainsttheSeattleMariners
6. Brian Anderson
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $18.00
eBay Description: “Please note Anderson is on the back of the shirt sox is on the front. Your purchase is helping the economy we pay taxes”
The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 7+ player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Nothing. Presumably someone somewhere named Brian Anderson did something moderately interesting but I have a good feeling it wasn’t this one. Maybe Brian follows us on Twitter. Hey Brian! Sorry about this.
Strengths: Uhhhhhhh he was a first round pick for the ChiSox back in 2004. Only four picks after Lastings Milledge! That’s gotta count for something, right? Right…? Anderson is enough of a baseball name that casual baseball fans might just accept it as a different Anderson even though it’s undeniably Brian Anderson. You can impress the ladies by telling them that Brian’s middle name is Nikola.
Weaknesses: All of them. You’ll probably run into several Brian Andersons throughout your life and you’ll want to give them this shirsey every time but they won’t want it. They just won’t want it.
Overall Future Potential: High 5; player obscurity makes this derpy shirsey a major leaguer
Realistic Role: 4; who is Brian Anderson again?
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; he’s been out of baseball since 2009.
The Year Ahead: Oh my god Wikipedia just informed me that he pitched a few innings in the minors for the Yankees back in 2011. One could and should assume Anderson will sign with the Phillies for 5 years and $80 million dollars any day now.
Wardrobe ETA: Lastings Milledge
7. Scott Podsednik
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $13.59
eBay Description: “CHICAGO WHTE SOX #22 PODSEDNIK MLB HEAVY MAJESTIC T SHIRT ADULT XL FREE US SHIP”
The Tools: 5+ derp; 6 awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: The Podfather continued on with his non-baseball life and his yes-Playboy wife.
Strengths: On sale! Stands to reason. Scotty Pods has been taking pay cuts for years.
Weaknesses: Looking faded, like the speed that once accompanied his value as a ballplayer. Too bad…
Overall Future Potential: 6; a Pods jersey never existed in XL, but this shirsey does. Proof that we can all reach a little higher than expected.
Realistic Role: 4; you may lose some street cred but it may help your game off the field.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Extreme; you will pull a groin in this garment.
The Year Ahead: Nobody knows what the future truly holds, but you may accidentally hit a game-winning World Series home run this year.
Wardrobe ETA: 2005
8. Freddy Garcia
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $33.99
eBay Description: “ANY QESTIONS?~FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME”
The Tools: 5 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Freddy Garcia continues to sweat in front of tens of thousands on a regular basis. A little time in Baltimore, a little time in Atlanta, Freddy even managed to pitch in a playoff game.
Strengths: What better way to commemorate the ongoing career of Freddy Garcia than with the logo of the team that welcomed him as dominant, and bade him farewell as just “ok”. This shirsey also officially makes you a member of the Guillen family.
Weaknesses: People may forget you exist for a while, but will marvel at the wonder that you do shortly thereafter.
Overall Future Potential: 4; nothing stands out about 2005 era Sox shirseys. They’re everywhere. The grey lettering helps it stick around, but it’s run-of-the-mill.
Realistic Role: 4; floor/ceiling on this guy is steady. Amazing.
Risk Factor/Injury History: It’ll hurt some but just power through, you’ll be fine.
The Year Ahead: Shirseys with Garcia printed on the back may become available in as many as three different vintages in the next year. Get them before the market is saturated.
Wardrobe ETA: If you can throw it, you can wear it.
9. Baby Buehrle
Size: Toddler 6-9 Months
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $7.00 + $2.50 shipping
eBay Description: “Lots of boy’s items so please, check out my other items!”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 4+ design/color scheme; 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Buehrle threw 200 innings because he’s Mark Allen Buehrle and he doesn’t know how to do anything else.
Strengths: If you want your newborn to celebrate the good ol’ White Sox days, then this is the shirsey for you. We all know that subliminal messages play a role in baby development; giving your child this shirt will allow him to throw 200 innings wherever, whenever, with whomever he wants. Plus-plus price is normal for such small clothing.
Weaknesses: Important to remember you are literally paying for less. You probably don’t want your young child eating innings considering his top teeth haven’t grown in yet.
Overall Future Potential: 5; innings eater
Realistic Role: 4; paste eater
Risk Factor/Injury History: Non-existent. When wearing this shirt, your baby will never get hurt.
The Year Ahead: A year from now, the baby will be 2. Duh.
Wardrobe ETA: 200, always 200.
10. Orlando Cabrera
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $17.00
eBay Description: “Please note the front of the shirt has Sox on it the back has cabrera.”
The Tools: 5 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Relaxed like a boss. Hopefully in Orlando. After all, Orlando Cabrera made over $51 million dollars in his career (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
Strengths: This is a clubhouse shirsey. It will improve morale, communication, and overall attitude within your wardrobe. You aren’t getting anything particularly special in terms of wearability at this point in the shirsey’s career, but it’s going to make all your other shirts play up significantly.
Weaknesses: People will be confused about why Miguel Cabrera got traded to the White Sox. No one will care about Assdribble though.
Overall Future Potential: 5; average shirsey
Realistic Role: 5; average shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. Orlando Cabrera hated the board game Risk.
The Year Ahead: At some point in his life Orlando Cabrera will coach something somewhere. If that something improves, so does this shirt.
Wardrobe ETA: 20(rland)013
System Overview:
This is not the most exhilarating shirsey system but it has some talent worth bidding for. Its issues stem from the fact that their jerseys have remained remarkably mediocre and uninteresting for a number of years now, which makes the Quentin America shirsey play up significantly for its uniqueness. Asian is well represented in this Top 10 as Shingo and Fukudome represent high-ceiling confusion, especially since the latter literally isn’t a White Sox shirsey. Baby Buehrle will probably be on this list for a solid 20 more years for obvious reasons, and it’s hard to discount the value of having a Freddy Garcia in your organization. In conclusion: eh.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 