Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read the Athletics BP Top 10 Prospects.
Suzuki and Inge write-ups come to us courtesy of our most recent podcast guest and good friend, Jason Wojciechowski. Follow him on Twitter @jlwoj and go listen to his mediocre jokes on our less than mediocre podcast.
System Quote: “Yes time travel is possible. Will explain later.”
Oakland Athletics Top Ten:
- HD Baker
- Kurt Suzuki Puka Shells
- Jose Canseco
- Mike Piazza
- Cespedes “Grass and Dirt”
- Brandon Inge
- Jeremy Hermida
- Matt Holliday
- Brian Fuentes
- Jemile Weeks
1. HD Baker
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $9.99
eBay Description: “I don’t know who “HD Baker” is. The back screen-printing is subtly different than the front screen-printing so I’m guessing this is a custom shirt, or a Little League shirt or something of that nature. But if you want an obscure A’s t-shirt you have some to the right place.”
The Tools: 8 derp, 6 awesomeness, 8 player obscurity, 5 design/color scheme, 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hard to say, considering HD Baker is not a person.
Strengths: A customized shirsey that someone no longer wants is nothing short of a treasure. The shirt strayed from its original buyer and somehow wound up in the arms of a man or woman with an eBay account. A quick Google search reveals that HD Baker is not a thing nor has it ever been a thing. Searches on Bing, Yahoo!, Zappos, and LinkedIn also come up blank. A mystery HD Baker is and a mystery he (or she) will remain. Just tell all your friends that you misspelled HR Baker, the greatest home run hitter in the 1900’s. Baker was so good at hitting home runs that they renamed him Home Run. Where were we…
Weaknesses: Purchasing this shirsey means you’ll have to explain its meaning over and over. Considering you don’t actually know the meaning behind it, that seems like a drag. The mystery surrounding this shirt also has the downside that you have no idea where it’s been. Basement, brothel, sheep’s vagina; all legitimate hypotheses as to the previous location of this shirt. Maybe HD stands for High Definition… wait no that doesn’t make sense either.
Overall Future Potential: 7; Home Run Baker was a legend
Realistic Role: 4; you end up confusing the crap out of your friends
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; depended on the reading ability of the people around you.
The Year Ahead: I literally don’t know. HD Baker? What?
Wardrobe ETA: Right now. Buy it right now.
2. Kurt Suzuki Puka Shells
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $19.99 Buy It Now/$4.99 Starting Bid + $3.50 shipping
eBay Description: “Suzuki and Oakland have had a reunion for the playoff run and this is your chance to support the team.”
The Tools: 8 raw derp, 6 awesomeness, 6 player obscurity, 6 design/color scheme, 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Suzuki had his second straight garbage year at the plate and met with the indignity of being traded to a playoff contender in August to paper over an injury-riddled catcher situation and to receive absolutely zero playing time once the real players got healthy. Luckily, said playoff contender was Oakland, which is the only MLB city where anybody would be happy to see him.
Strengths: The puka shells are the real standout here. Pre-accessorized clothing can’t help but kill. It’s inherently strong. And pre-puka’d clothing is easy plus-plus. Also green and gold are the best colors in baseball.
Weaknesses: So why only a 6 awesomeness grade instead of an 8? Because pre-accessorized clothing is also inherently awful. It kills, yes, but the main thing it kills is your chance at positive attention from members of your preferred sex. Normally this simultaneous 8/2 situation would balance out to a 5, but we’re talking puka shells here. Puka shells! So it’s …
Overall Future Potential: … a low 6. Nostalgia-kitsch use is the main approved function, though it can also be worn once a year when he’s traded back to the A’s in August. Nobody else will wear this shirt. That’s somethin’.
Realistic Role: Also low 6. There is a 0% chance of this shirsey not reaching its potential. It’s a pre-finished product.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low. I just said. Christ, you people sometimes.
The Year Ahead: Suzuki won’t re-sign with the A’s, so unless he ends up in San Diego or something, there aren’t going to be more puka-shell shirts produced. Oh, the player? Who knows. He’s a catcher. He’ll go somewhere.
Wardrobe ETA: Tomorrow. The auction ended. Nobody even bid $5. E-mail the seller and it’s yours.
3. Jose Canseco
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $17.99
eBay Description: Literally nothing
The Tools: 6+ derp, 5 awesomeness, 5 player obscurity, 7 design/color scheme, 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jose Canseco used Twitter to further cement his legacy as a legitimate crazy person. Posting disturbing pictures like this, this, and sadly even this, will get you to crazy person level.
Strengths: Like Canseco himself, the name/number/logo are almost too huge and barely fit the jersey. Despite questionable characteristics, Canseco was a pretty badass player. The darker green pairs swimmingly with the gold to provide a classic yet refreshing square dance of the rainbow. 33 is a plus-plus number.
Weaknesses: People may criticize you for wearing a shirt associated with such a vilde chaya. The oversized logo on the front is huge as is and may get even larger as it ages and develops. Concerns about the body are valid.
Overall Future Potential: 6; the dark green makes the other tools up
Realistic Role: Low 5; second division shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; unpredictability in regards to player, size of logo on front
The Year Ahead: Unfortunately, Canseco’s unpredictability is a double edged sword. While his posts about poop are hilarious and entertaining, it’s a legitimate possibility that you open the newspaper tomorrow morning and the headline reads “FORMER BASEBALL PLAYER CANSECO ARRESTED FOR STEALING 17 VENDING MACHINES FROM LOCAL OLD FOLKS HOME.” Whether his reckless approach acts as a benefit or a detriment has yet to be seen, but it is certain that Canseco is a shirsey to watch.
Wardrobe ETA: Whenever he gets arrested.
4. Mike Piazza
Size: Youth XL
Current Status: Up for auction. Yours truly is the highest bidder.
Website: eBay
Price: $2.00 + $2.07 shipping
eBay Description: “Worn once years ago- been in a drawer bee since. In great condition. A dodgers fan- this belong with an A’s fan. Youth XL”
The Tools: 5 derp, 6+ awesomeness, 4 player obscurity, 5 design/color scheme, 8 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Aside from spending quality time with his former playboy wife, Piazza did very little this year. According to Wikipedia he “debuted with the Miami City Ballet saying a few lines in the role of a hit man in the troupe’s production of Slaughter on Tenth Avenue.”
Strengths: Elite price. This is the type of price you want on your team; eye popping. Great pairing of legendary player with the team he’s not normally associated with. Played only one season with Oakland so I can’t imagine there are many Mike Piazza A’s shirseys floating around. Good feel, maybe. The seller knows that this shirt deserves to be with an A’s fan, though I doubt many A’s fans are yearning for the days of when the great Piazza roamed the O.Co. Available for purchase for a couple more days until I win the auction.
Weaknesses: That kind of price raises eyebrows about the quality of the shirt. Might there be a grape stain? A tear? A rip? Maybe the shirt is laced with small pox, I just don’t know. Youth XL could be somewhat of an issue. I might be able to squeeze into it, but you probably won’t.
Overall Future Potential: Low 6; an above-average shirsey you can wear to class
Realistic Role: 5; used mostly for wearing inside the house/dorm
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; with such a low price, risk factor remains low.
The Year Ahead: If Piazza can continue to establish himself as a vital part of the male ballet community, we could see a significant influx in the number of Piazza shirseys on the market. However, A’s Piazza shirseys should remain unaffected by any future events.
Wardrobe ETA: 2000
5. Cespedes “Grass and Dirt”
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $40.00 + $6.00 shipping
eBay Description: “Athletics” logo and #52 are printed to resemble grass and his name to resemble infield dirt (see photos). It’s manufactured my Majestic and is 100% cotton.”
The Tools: 6 derp, 7+ awesomeness, 4 player obscurity, 6+ design/color scheme, 2 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Our pride and joy continued to be awesome, but mostly in the form of kicking the world’s ass in the Home Run Derby. His Cuban counterpart Puig may have gotten more national attention this year, but Yoenis stayed number one in our hearts <3
Strengths: It’s really fucking cool. Unless it’s Adeiny Hechavarria, Cuban player shirseys are always top notch. The design is near elite; these design attempts usually fail miserably and look painfully stupid but this one was well executed as exhibited by its unusually expensive price for a shirsey. Could double as a scratch and sniff shirsey if you have any really stupid friends.
Weaknesses: Holy shit, it’s a 40 dollar shirsey. One might say it’s worth it, but when you see plus-plus bargains like the Piazza gem, it’s difficult to accept a price this high. The dirt kinda looks like poop.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; if it can overcome its unfortunate price, there’s a lot of power in this shirsey
Realistic Role: High 4; platoon shirsey.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; high ceiling but have to keep in mind the number of shirseys you could have purchased with 46 bucks (answer: a lot)
The Year Ahead: Cespedes will continue to be The Chosen One, and his continued success should only lead to even more ridiculously textured shirseys. Hopefully we can start seeing some A’s hats with some trademarked Cespedes Eyebrows.
Wardrobe ETA: You should be wearing this right now.
6. Brandon Inge
Size: S/L/XL/XXL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $9.99 + $3.99 Shipping
eBay Description: “It’s the ultimate display of Oakland pride for a die-hard MLB buff in the making!”
The Tools: 6 derp, 6 awesomeness, 6 player obscurity, 6 design/color scheme, 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Who the hell even knows. Was he on … was he a Cub? I feel like he was a Cub. Or wait, maybe he played in Venezuela? Hold on, I’ll look it up. I’m back. The Pirates. He played 50 games with the Pirates and batted .181/.204/.238 but very likely did excellent defensive work (because that’s what he does) and brought a dance craze to PNC Park (because that’s what he does).
Strengths: It’s the number 7. Inge also wore 18 with the A’s (allegedly), but 18 is stupid and 7 is amazing. And lucky. Also green and gold are the best colors in baseball.
Weaknesses: People who wear this shirt are frequently accosted by visiting Norwegians who realize too late that you’re not their daughter but are instead a lousy American wearing the shirt of one of the shittiest hitters to ever amass 5,617 career plate appearances, make $41 million, and lose a World Series. This entire paragraph has been a joke about the name “Inga.” I’m taking this assignment as seriously as Brandon Inge takes his at-bats. That’s a major weakness of this shirt.
Overall Future Potential: High 7; your future spouse might be Norwegian.
Realistic Role: Low 4; nobody does the Bernie lean anymore, stop it.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Extraordinarily high risk of never meeting a beautiful Norwegian of your preferred sex, gender, and orientation. Extraordinarily high risk of looking like a doof in the meanwhile.
The Year Ahead: This could be a pretty cool shirt if Inge winds up on a Triple-A team with the same colors as the A’s, but oops wait no there are no Triple-A teams with colors as cool as the A’s. This might be the winter that Inge finally registers in that part-time MBA program.
Wardrobe ETA: Your anniversary minus two years.
7. Jeremy Hermida
Size: Youth S/M/L/XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: Grand Slam New York
Price: $31.99 + $6.95
Description: “100% Cotton”
The Tools: 6+ derp, 3 awesomeness, 7 player obscurity, 4 design/color scheme, 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Hermida posted a line of .247/.365/.416 for AAA Columbus. He did hit better at night however posting a .260/.379/.490 during night games. He hit even better than that with runners on base finishing the year with a line of .270/.375/.457 in said category. You’re welcome; armed with this information you can finally be the coolest guy at work. I bet you can’t wait to tell Derrick to suck it tomorrow.
Strengths: Easy plus derp considering Hermida only had 64 lackluster at-bats with Oakland in 2010. Fantastic size versatility allows for varying sizes of people to participate in the valuable shared experience of owning a Jeremy Hermida A’s shirsey. Classic Jerm; always was good at bringing people together.
Weaknesses: The picture of the shirsey looks almost computer generated, which raises some serious questions about the legitimacy of its origin. Price causes all the other tools to play down a grade. You don’t want people calling you Sports Hermida; it’s gross and no one likes that.
Overall Future Potential: 6; first division shirsey that you wear more often than expected
Realistic Role: Low 5; serviceable Major League shirsey that doesn’t garner the same number of “haha Jeremy Hermida”s as you might like.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; Hermida’s career is still a mess and he’ll be 30 in January. Chance that he returns to Oakland aren’t that low and he’ll probably hit 47 home runs for them BECAUSE MONEYBALL (did I do that right?)
The Year Ahead: Sigh, does it even matter?
Wardrobe ETA: 20hermida
8. Matt Holliday
Size: L
Current Status: Sold
Website: eBay
Price: $14.99
eBay Description: “I HAVE A HUGE LOT OF DESINGER CLOTHING”
The Tools: 5+ derp, 6 awesomeness, 4 player obscurity, 5 design/color scheme, 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Holliday furthered his status as one of the best players in baseball that you never think about. His forearms continued to grow larger than most tree trunks.
Strengths: Holliday only played one season with Oakland so I can’t imagine many proud Oakland fans sporting Matt Holliday shirseys, which makes it that much better. Wearing this shirsey out to the clubs will result in all the members of the opposite crowding around you as they ask like “how’d you get such big forearms?” and “what’s it like being an Athletics and stuff?”
Weaknesses: No high end tools. Nothing sexy, nothing flashy. No tools make you want to run around the neighborhood screaming like a madman. Not to mention you’ll probably never catch a ball whilst donning this jersey.
Overall Future Potential: 5+; a shirsey to wear at an A’s game and start some “oh yeah, Matt Holliday” conversations
Realistic Role: High 4; a shirt destined for sleepy time
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low Risk; Matt Holliday is all about low risk.
The Year Ahead: Someone has to wear this shirsey. They won’t be entertained but they’ll be fulfilled and most importantly, warm. If Holliday’s forearms continue to swell in size, the shirsey value could go up.
Wardrobe ETA: Poop
9. Brian Fuentes
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $17.99 + $5.00 shipping
eBay Description: “When dealing with JerseyStore2000 please understand that you are dealing with a company that knows the business as well as anyone”
The Tools: 6 derp, 4 awesomeness, 6 player obscurity, 3 design/color scheme, 4+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: After retiring prior to the season, Fuentes kicked off his journey into baseball irrelevance. That is, until our great grand children laugh at his name on their brain computers on Baseball-Reference Version 9.0.
Strengths: At first glance this looks like an awful purchase, but anything that involves Brian Fuentes deserves to be discussed further. It’s important to remember that time with the A’s in 2011 when he was designated for assignment to make room for Bartolo Colon. Or as many call it; the ultimate sacrifice.
Weaknesses: The color scheme has nothing to do with the Athletics and the logo on the front of the shirt is extremely random. 57 is a number that just reeks of failure. It looks as if someone had a regular A’s t-shirt and was like “screw it, let’s make this into something special” and then that person failed in doing so.
Overall Future Potential: 5; a good gym shirt
Realistic Role: 4; something you buy then give away
Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; if Fuentes attempts a comeback then we could see some… some… something.
The Year Ahead: There’s no way this shirsey gets purchased.
Wardrobe ETA: NEVER
10. Jemile Weeks
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $26.95 + $5.00
eBay Description: “With a new season upon us, there is only room for improvement for Jemile Weeks after his spectacular rookie season. As he steps up his game and helps the A’s get closer to a championship, make sure you are there every step of the way supporting your favorite second baseman with this Jemile Weeks player tee by Majestic”
The Tools: 6 potential derp, 4 awesomeness, 6 player obscurity, 5 design/color scheme, 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Our good friend Jemile Nykiwa Weeks finished the year with the vaunted .111/.111/.111 slash line over nine plate appearances at the major league level. Jemile Weeks just really likes superstitious wishes.
Strengths: Not many people have the shirsey of the brother of WikiLeaks and we all know how much of a hot topic that is. The derp factor is improved immensely by the fact that it’s an Extra Large Jemile Weeks shirsey. Casual Oakland fans might ask you why you would ever want a Jemile Weeks shirsey and you’ll tell them with pride: “Did you have a -37 OPS+ last year? NOPE.”
Weaknesses: Frustratingly high price for a Jemile Weeks shirsey. He’s not obscure to the point where you can laugh at it because he was supposed to be pretty good but now it’s just like aw Jemile Weeks, hasn’t he been in Sacramento for eight years now?
Overall Future Potential: High 5; still a Jemile Weeks shirsey and that’s a contributor at the major league level
Realistic Role: 4; you’ll pull it out every once in a while because it’s a Jemile Weeks shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; it’s a Jemile Weeks shirsey
The Year Ahead: Jemile Weeks will continue being the only human being on the face of the earth to not slug .800 in the Pacific Coast League and one might hope he starts eating at Taco Bell a little more often.
Wardrobe ETA: :(
System Overview:
Oakland boasts a system full of derp but also full of unfortunately high prices which you never want to see when it comes to shirseys. HD Baker is unquestionably a top 25 shirsey in baseball and its mystery should be at the forefront of baseball blorgs everywhere for years to come. Oversized Canseco will continue to impress as long as Jose keeps tweeting about global warming. Classic one year wonders like Piazza and Hermida should find a place at your local thrift shop sooner rather than later, and the Cespedes Grass & Dirt should be purchased soon by some financial superpower than can afford to spend more than eight bucks on a shirsey.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 