Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read the Mariners BP Top 10 Prospects.
System Quote: “When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and shirseys”.
Seattle Mariners Top Ten:
- Don Wakamatsu
- Felix signed by Taijuan Walker
- Spring Training Ackley
- Derpy Jay Buhner
- Tie Dye Ichiro
- Gaylord Perry
- Green Chone Figgins
- A-Rod
- Jarrod Washburn
- Kenji Jojihma
1. Don Wakamatsu
Size: XXL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $8.00 + $7.00 Shipping
eBay Description: “You are bidding on a D.Wakamatsu tshirt.”
The Tools: 7 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 potential color scheme/design, 6 price
What Happened To The Player in 2013: Wakamatsu served as a professional talent scout for the New York Yankees and just two short weeks ago the Kansas City Royals hired him as a bench couch.
Strengths: You’ll be the only kid in school with a Don Wakamatsu Mariners shirt, I can promise you that.
Weaknesses: You’ll be the only kid in school with a Don Wakamatsu Mariners shirt, I can promise you that. And you’re probably a bit overweight (XXL).
Overall Future Potential: 8; Hall of Fame potential
Realistic Role: High 6; perennial all-star shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium Risk; Wakamatsu could get another managerial job.
The Year Ahead: If Wakamatsu does a good job doing whatever the hell bench coaches do, he might be able to get another managerial position next year which would make this shirsey a bit less awesome. But if Donny boy continues doing Don Wakamatsu things then this shirt has a chance to be elite for a long, long time.
Wardrobe ETA: 2014
2. Felix Hernandez Signed by Taijuan Walker (and Brian Hunter)
Size: Youth M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $8.99 + $4.01 Shipping
eBay Description: “Washed”
The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 2/4/7 player obscurity; 5+ future color scheme/design; 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, Felix had another stellar season of pitching baseballs until Carlos Peguero’s wife stole a bunch of money from him and then HIS HOUSE CAUGHT ON FIRE. Taijuan Walker also had an awesome season, reaching the majors towards the end of the year while managing to avoid financial fraud. Brian Hunter hasn’t played professional baseball in 10 years and why in the actual shit did he sign this shirt I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it’s not the Brian Hunter who played one season for the Mariners in 1999…or the one the played one season in 1996. Does it matter? Maybe some guy named Brian Hunter ran up to the person getting this shirsey signed by Taijuan Walker and just ambush-autographed it. No clue.
Strengths: Felix is one of the best pitchers on the planet and while a higher talent level sometimes decreases the awesomeness of the shirsey, this is not the case here. The shirsey/autograph combo is a lethal one, especially when it includes two (or more) different players.
Weaknesses: It’s one of those lame Boeing sponsorship shirseys. Not much around that. Always inherently more lame. Youth medium can be a very tough size to deal with. How many kids that size are gonna appreciate this shirsey to the fullest extent? It becomes the kind of shirsey that you put on your kid to try and convince your fellow adult Mariner fan friends that your kid is the best.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; fallback option to just a basic autograph later in career
Realistic Role: High 5; you’ll get some compliments, but it’s not as awesome as you might think when you leave the house
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low (high if Felix’s life continues to be ridiculously endangered); no injury history otherwise
The Year Ahead: Now that Franklin Gutierrez is gone, Felix will be the new Mariner attempting to dodge the wrath of Satan. This could be amazing or terrible for the value of this shirsey. Walker will pitch his first full season at the major league level and whoever Brian Hunter is will presumably continue to wake up every morning and eat a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats.
Wardrobe ETA: 2015
3. Spring Training Dustin Ackley
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $15.00 + $3.77 shipping
eBay Description: “YOU ARE BIDDING ON A NEW WITH TAGS OFFICIALLY LICENSED GENUINE MLB MERCHANDISE PLAYERS CHOICE SEATTLE MARINERS ACKLEY #13 SPRING TRAINING PEORIA, ARIZONA 2012 SHIRT.”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6+ future color scheme/design; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He sucked. The Mariners stopped playing him every day and then moved him to center field because Mariners. Dustin Ackley hit 4 home runs in 2013, fewer than Mark Ellis, Gordon Beckham, Gordon Beckham, Gordon Beckham and GORDON BECKHAM. No idea how he played in spring training.
Strengths: It’s absolutely hilarious. The Mariners teal is a plus-plus color scheme, paired with the frustration that is I-Was-Drafted-One-Pick-After-Stephen-Strasburg Dustin Ackley to create a very solid shirsey. The cactus watermark.
Weaknesses: The cactus watermark looks like a pretty bad stain.
Overall Future Potential: 6; first division shirsey, especially if Ackley completely flames out over the next few years
Realistic Role: 5; second division shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium risk; no injury history but Ackley could stick around for longer than what’s usually preferred in a stellar shirsey
The Year Ahead: He’ll probably play all of the positions in 2014 just so the Mariners can stall his career a little more. It will be interesting to see how fiery new manager Lloyd McClendon deals with the overwhelming emotion that Ackley expresses on a daily basis.
Wardrobe ETA: 2016
4. Derpy Jay Buhner
Size: S
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $17.49 + $3.99
eBay Description: “One Size Fits All, Close to a SMALL”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 future color scheme/design; 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He continued to live his life as Jay Buhner, which not many of us can say we’ve done.
Strengths: Jay Buhner was pretty awesome in his day and his name was Jay Buhner. The massive name and number on the back make sure that everyone around you knows it’s BUHNER 19. The printed on buttons on the front are an essential aspect of showing plus-plus derp.
Weaknesses: The printed buttons on the front are also brutal to look at and this is another Boeing sponsored shirt. Blah. Also, prepare for boner jokes from everyone that doesn’t know who Jay Buhner is/was. The ONE SIZE FITS ALL label followed by the warning that it’s close to a small is pretty concerning but, well, #eBay.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; multiple all-star appearances
Realistic Role: High 5; ends up playing down because of all the boner jokes that get old really quickly
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; this shirsey is what it is
The Year Ahead: Unless the Mariners sign Buhner to come back and DH…which isn’t entirely implausible but let’s hope for Jordan’s sanity that that doesn’t happen and this shirsey can remain retired.
Wardrobe ETA: 2001
5. Tye Dye Ichiro
Size: L/XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $21.56 + $5.95 Shipping
eBay Description: “All imperfections and irregularities are strictly intentional to make it as unique as the person who wears it.”
The Tools: 7 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 2/8 future color scheme/design (depending on who you ask); 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Lucky for the aging and declining Ichiro, he was the youngest player on the Yankees this year by approximately 53 years. He still wasn’t very good :(
Strengths: It’s literally a tie-dye Ichiro shirsey like what more do you want in a ridiculous shirsey? Ichiro will always be loved and revered in Seattle so it would take a seriously absurd color design of an Ichiro shirsey for people not to love it…and this one is walking that line very carefully.
Weaknesses: Tie-dye is generally only considered okay for people of a certain no no wait tie-dye is never okay unless it’s this shirsey I guess…? Very conflicting.
Overall Future Potential: 6; solid shirsey for long time
Realistic Role: 4; doesn’t reach potential because tie-dye
Risk Factor/Injury History: High risk; people will be blind to the Ichiro awesomeness and only see the intense colors
The Year Ahead: This is the year that Ichiro unleashes his rumored power and hits 57 home runs because Yankee Stadium.
Wardrobe ETA: 2014 or never
8. A-Rod
10. Kenji Jojihma
System Overview:
- This is the Mike Trout of shirsey systems. The behemoth of all behemoths. From top to bottom this is one of the top five shirsey systems in the game. Not only is there incredible high end talent in Don Wakamatsu, Felix Signed Walker, and Spring Training Ackley, there is incredible depth with guys like Green Chone Figgins. There were many impressive names left off this list as well that you can check out in our official shirsey database. Thanks to sucking for a consistent amount of time, the Mariners have a variety of shirseys that really catch your eye. Their supreme blah-titude mixed with a fantastic color scheme means the Mariners could find themselves at the top of the organizational shirsey rankings by the end of the off-season.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 
I own a Ruben Sierra Mariners shirsey and I wore it to the BP event in Seattle, how bout them apples?