System Quote: “The best time to wear a striped sweater, is all the time.”
Houston Astros Top Ten:
- Hunter Pence Double Printed Shirsey
- Kaz Matsui
- Brad “Lights-out” Lidge
- Roger Clemens
- Bud Norris
- 80 #Want
- Lance Berkman
- Carlos Lee
- Roy Oswalt
- J.D. Martinez
Current Status: Sold
Price: $8.00 + $4.95 Shipping
eBay Description: “The Medium is a missprint, having the whole decal from the back “Pence 9” printed on the front and the back along with the “Houston 9”
The Tools: 8 derp; 8 not on team anymore; 4 player obscurity; 5 potential design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened To The Player in 2013: As a derpy scruffy old guy, Hunter Pence put up pretty good numbers for the Giants. He then signed a 5-year, $90 bajillion dollar contract ensuring he won’t be back on the Astros any time soon.
Strengths: First thing that jumps out at you is the double printing on the front of the shirt. Very rare to see such a trait in a shirsey. Most shirts only have the name on the back. This has it on the front and back. True two-way shirt. Top of the line oddity. Good, but not great price hindered by high shipping costs. Expected due to placement on ebay.
Weaknesses: Player relatively well known/still producing at a high level in the major leagues. Despite top end tools, placement on ebay always raises questions about makeup due to disagreements with the shirt’s previous owner(s). The old Astros color scheme feels outdated and uncool right now, but has the projection to be a hot commodity on the market.
Overall Future Potential: 7; one of the best shirts in the game.
Realistic Role: High 6; well above-average shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: High risk due to unknown nature of the second shirt and usual question marks that come with eBay.
The Year Ahead: Recently shipped off to a new owner, this shirsey should become a huge part of that owner’s life fairly quickly.
Wardrobe ETA: 2014
2. Kaz Matsui
Current Status: Owned by @leistomania93
Price: Ask @leistomania93
The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 future design/color Scheme
What Happened To The Player in 2013: Matsui played for the Japanese team in the World Baseball Classic. He may or may not have done things in the NPB this year for the Rakuten Eagles. No one is sure.
Strengths: The derp and the player obscurity on this shirt are great. It’s fairly easy to find a Kaz Matsui Mets shirsey, but finding one of Astros ilk is rare indeed. Kaz Matsui always inspires a chuckle in the gut, and I’m sure the lucky owner of this shirt has more gut chuckles than the average fellow.
Weaknesses: Like many of the older Astros shirseys, this scheme is lackluster and uninspiring. Worst aspect is that the shirt is already owned and therefore probably not up for sale.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; potential to ruin several dates for the owner
Realistic Role: 6; occasional all-star shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk. Already out of MLB.
The Year Ahead: If Kaz Matsui can do something insane like appear on a Japanese game show that goes viral or eats Ichiro then this shirt’s stock could rise. More likely that it stays put.
Wardrobe ETA: 2013
3. Brad Lidge
Current Status: Available For Purchase
Price: $8.99 + $0.00 Shipping
eBay Description: “Measures 23 [inches] pit to pit”
The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 future design/color scheme; 7 Price
What Happened To The Player in 2013: After retiring last offseason Lidge apparently signed a one-day contract with the Phillies so he could retire a Phillie…even though he spent more time with the Astros. Also, according to this article, Lidge lost the Dodgers closer job this season.
Strengths: Solid dependable shirsey. Sometimes shirts don’t need to be sexy. That is the case here. Another odd font used for the name/number on the back. Lidge was a polarizing player, but this shirsey is the opposite. Fantastic price. Hard to find free shipping on eBay.
Weaknesses: Can be boring at times. Lacks high-end flash. Not a huge ceiling. People might refer to you as “Lights-out Lidge” when you actually prefer the lights to be on.
Overall Future Potential: 5; good middle of the rotation shirsey
Realistic Role: 5; has already reached potential
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk. Career over.
The Year Ahead: Unless Lidge opens a chain of Houston area Taco Bells that are exposed for serving horse meat tacos, this shirt will maintain a steady value for the next 3000 years.
Wardrobe ETA: 2008
Size: Youth XL
Current Status: Available For Purchase
Price: $11.99 + Free Shipping
eBay Description: “Does not have any snags, stains, or holes”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 6 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 future design/color scheme; 6 Price
What Happened To The Player in 2013: After the Rocket’s heroic comeback with the SUGAR LAND SKEETERS in 2012, we haven’t heard much from him. In January, Roger received negative 100000% of the votes needed to make it into the Hall of Fame, which was unfortunate because he was an okay pitcher.
Strengths: It’s Roger Clemens and he was pretty good. Underrated aspect of this shirsey is the vaunted “Youth XL” label which is always a brilliant size that not only fits short fat kids, but also skinny teenagers who don’t want to spend too much money on a shirsey of a guy who eventually pitched for the SUGAR LAND SKEETERS. The fake signatures are always fantastic, as they have absolutely zero value and often just look like a scribble anyway. You might be quick to think of Houston Astro Roger Clemens as old and regressing but then you remember he won the Cy Young as a 41 year old after posting a 1.87 ERA in 211.1 innings with them soooooooo yeah.
Weaknesses: Well, people HATE Roger Clemens. No one hates Kaz Matsui (I hope…?). This is a shirsey that comes with certain responsibilities that might require you to fend off verbal abuse that may or may not include the words “STEROIDZ” or “CHEATER”. If you’re prepared to defend the dude, then rock this one all over Houston, New York, Boston and obviously Toronto.
Overall Future Potential: 6; a solid shirsey that can go very wrong very quickly
Realistic Role: High 4; you’ll look at in your closet and want to wear it more, but there’s definitely something holding you back
Risk Factor/Injury History: Extreme. People will yell stuff at you.
The Year Ahead: This jersey has potential to rally and be popular again if the majority of the Hall of Fame voters die and the new voters vote him into the Hall of Fame. Other than that, he’s still just Roger Clemens, disgraceful human being/baseball player.
Wardrobe ETA: 2028 (final year of HOF eligibility)
5. Bud Norris
Current Status: Available For Purchase
Price: $.99 + $6.95 Shipping
eBay Description: “Perfect for any Astros fan! Comes from a smoke/pet free home.”
The Tools: 6 potential derp, 4 awesomeness, 5 player obscurity, 5 future design/color scheme, 8 price
What Happened To The Player in 2013: As the only major league baseball player on the Astros not named Jose Altuve, Norris was traded to the Orioles midseason for some Hoes. He continued being his mediocre self once he reached Baltimore, which is what usually happens when one moves to Baltimore.
Strengths: The price. Probably the lowest price on the internet. Consistently puts up prices below 10 dollars. Elite affordability. Derp tool isn’t there yet at present time, but depending on more below average performance over the next couple of years it really has a chance to become plus. Similar to many of the older shirseys on this list, Norris has a decent chance of having a league average color scheme at maturity.
Weaknesses: Bud Norris doesn’t get anybody excited. Not his wife, not his cats, not nobody know Stu like I do. Comes with usual eBay question marks.
Overall Future Potential: 6; dependent on Norris’ career taking a tailspin.
Realistic Role: 5; average shirsey
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk due to the low price.
The Year Ahead: If Norris can give up more over-the-fence balls, this shirt has a chance to shoot up shirsey lists next year.
Wardrobe ETA: 2015
- While the Houston Astros boast one of the deepest farm systems in baseball in terms of players, their shirsey system is quite shallow. They lack depth, caused by a combination of having very few memorable players the last few years and a new color scheme. The high end talent at the top makes up for that, however, as Double Printed Pence and Kaz Matsui should be elite shirts for years to come.