Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Blue Jays BP Top 10 Prospects.

Arencibia, Lawrie, Halladay, and Snider write-ups are courtesy of the coolest Canadian in the history of ever, Andrew Stoeten (I literally don’t even know if he’s definitely Canadian). Andrew writes for DrunkJaysFans, a blorg on the Score network. He is funny and I’m pretty sure he has a beard. Go follow him on Twitter by CLICKING THIS SUDDENLY CAPS LOCKED SENTENCE.

System Quote: “YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TAKE THE GAMER OUT OF THE GAME BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE THE GAMER OUT OF THE GAMER. FULL BORE. 25 HOURS A DAY. 8 DAYS A WEEK.”

Blue Jays Top Ten:

1. Sexy Delgado
2. Joe Carter
3. J.P. Arencibia Twitter Handle
4. Pink Brett Lawrie
5. Roy Halladay
6. Travis Snider
7. Kyle Drabek
8. Dustin McGowan
9. @RickyRo24
10. Yunel Escobar

1. Sexy Delgado

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $21.89 + $5.56 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Hello, I have a great jersey/shirt up for auction”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 8 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He was the hitting coach for the Puerto Rican WBC team. He was also inducted into the “Blue Jays Hall of Almost Good Enough But Still Finished Third In the AL East.”

Strengths: This is about as awesome as a shirsey gets. It takes the usually dreadful mid/late 2000’s Blue Jays uniform design and flips it on its head and makes it look good. It’s also a v-neck, which means you can wear it out to parties without feeling left out. Carlos Delgado is also one of the most awesome players to ever purposefully live in Canada.

Weaknesses: Questions about whether the shirsey tag applies here. The color scheme raises questions about the shirsey’s legitimacy and origin.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if this bad boy fits you well then you’ve got a good ten years ahead of you.

Realistic Role: 6; if the V-neck dips down too low we’ve got a seriously awkward situation going on.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; machine-washability unclear.

The Year Ahead: Should continue to develop into one of the coolest shirseys on the web.

Wardrobe ETA: REMEMBER THAT TIME DELGADO HIT FOUR JONRONS IN THE SAME GAME!

2. Joe Carter

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $18.00

 eBay Description: “HELLO, YOUR BIDDING ON A GREAT CONDITION VINTAGE STARTER #29 JOE CARTER TORONTO JERSEY T-SHIRT. HAS THE CLASSIC LOGO ON FRONT AND NAME AND NUMBER ON BACK.GREAT LOOKING SHIRT AND IS IN GREAT CONDITION. LOOKS AND FEELS GREAT. NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. AUTHENTIC STARTER SHIRT.1994 VINTAGE. TAG READS XL FOR XLARGE.  GREAT FOR GYM A GAME OR ANY COLLECTOR.”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6+ awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Like most successful retired baseball players, Joe continued to host his own charity golf tournament. Keep it up, Joe.  

Strengths: This thing is an XL which means “touch em’ all you’ll never wear a bigger shirsey in your life”

Weaknesses: Was in style back in the 90’s and hasn’t really come back yet.

Overall Future Potential: 8; memories are beautiful

Realistic Role: 6; except for when they make you cry

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; everyone knows that anyone who attended Wichita State University cannot be physically harmed

The Year Ahead: Presumably he will continue to play golf and act out his walk-off homer 1,993 times a day.

Wardrobe ETA: 1993

3. J.P. Arencibia Twitter Handle

 Size: M/L/XL/2XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: MLB Shop

 Price: $14.97

 Online Description: “Country of Origin: Nicaragua”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 3 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Quit Twitter in the midst of an historically awful season for a player handed so many at-bats*. Got into a war of words with Gregg Zaun. Non-tendered.

* I’d say “plate appearances,” but since he doesn’t walk, what’s the difference?

Strengths: Lay it across home plate and it’s just as likely as Arencibia to keep a ball in the dirt from getting to the backstop. Huge derp. Popularity of baseball among Queen West hipster set makes for instant ironic shirt cred in Toronto. Extreme durability.

Weaknesses: Lameness of Twitter handle nameplate overshadows delicious incongruity of Arencibia’s having left the site in a huff at mid-season.

Overall Future Potential: 5; will have to explain it’s a joke in most neighbourhoods, but long-term ironic potential is solid.

Realistic Role: 3; best left in the drawer waiting for his Japanese Home Run King phase.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Very low; you could wear this shirt every day for three years and it would come through in perfect shape. It would still suck, but no question it would hold up.

The Year Ahead: Could gain unexpected value among negative geeks if Arencibia goes “Aaron Hill” and gets great the second he leaves Toronto.

Wardrobe ETA: 2016 (Japan)

4. Pink Brett Lawrie

 Size: Child

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.49

 eBay Description: “Last one”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 3 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Drinking Red Bull. #Grind buddddddy. Think I didddddnt? #Bumpinnn. Workin #Grind. Buying extravagant headphones #TasteTheRainbow.

Strengths: Just like a regular shirsey, but pink! LIKE A GIRL WOULD WEAR!

Weaknesses: Pinkness. Nightmares of your daughter on MDMA at a Swedish House Mafia concert getting pawed at by douchebros.

Overall Future Potential: 4; solid-average shirsey for a toddler whose gender you’re weirdly hung up on making super clear.

Realistic Role: 4; will serve its purpose, but won’t offer much upside

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; shirsey has a tendency to make wearer #Getitttt and #Grind #Hard, which naturally leads to unfortunate accidents.

The Year Ahead: In this shirsey your child will be praised for her newfound– perhaps Mark DeRosa-influenced– maturity… at least until the next petulant outburst.

Wardrobe ETA: 2013

5. Roy Halladay

 Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.99

 eBay Description: “DAIRY QUEEN LOGO ON SLEEVES”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 7 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: :(

Strengths: Harry. Leroy. Halladay.

Weaknesses: Halladay wasn’t actually with the Jays when they wore this uniform. Also “DAIRY QUEEN LOGO ON SLEEVES.”

Overall Future Potential: High 6; upside that you’ll forget the horrendous Jays uniforms actually worn during the Halladay era is there.

Realistic Role: 6; will lead to conversations about Roy Halladay. Also: Roy Halladay.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Eventual; this shirt will be unstoppable for a decade, to the point where you take for granted what an incredible, durable shirt it is. Then one day you’ll take it out of the wash and see a frayed thread. You’ll look a little closer, trying desperately to convince yourself you’re not seeing what you think you’re seeing, while knowing in the back of your mind that it will never be the same again.

The Year Ahead: Will be pined for constantly by Blue Jays fans who refuse to grasp that it isn’t nearly as good a shirt as it used to be. Useful for sopping up tears.

Wardrobe ETA: 1998-2009 *sniff*

6. Travis Snider

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $16.44

 eBay Description: “Front of t-shirt shows “JAYS” across chest, as shown.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: As a part-time corner outfielder with the Pirates who was barely tendered a contract this week, the former Great White Hope of the middle of the Blue Jays’ order continued to strike out a tonne and be absolutely confounded by left-handed pitchers. Also, presumably, he continued eating piles of various dead animals (because, of course, #MeatsDontClash).

Strengths: Shirt looks really good when you first get it, and you daydream about it every day as it sits in the drawer, gleaming in your mind much brighter than whatever shlubby garbage you happen to be wearing at the moment. Impressive derp. Pisses Cito Gaston off on sight.

Weaknesses: Every time you get excited enough to take it out of the drawer and put it on, it just doesn’t quite fit right. After years of doing this you’ll probably just end up giving it away for nothing.

Overall Future Potential: 7; he just needs more time he just needs more time he just needs more time he just needs more time he just…

Realistic Role: 4; platoon shirsey at best, and a cautionary tale on rushing shirts out of the drawer.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; just when you’re about to give it a chance, it’ll pull up lame.

The Year Ahead: Will be pined for constantly by Blue Jays fans who refuse to grasp that it isn’t nearly as good a shirt as it was supposed to be. Useful for sopping up barbecue sauce.

Wardrobe ETA: Four months after starting 2008 in the Florida State League!

7. Kyle Drabek

 Size: M

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $16.44

 eBay Description: “Please e mail me if you would like to see additional pictures of the item.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Drabek finally returned from his SECOND Tommy John surgery and pitched 2.1 innings at the end of the season. He even gave up a dinger to Jonathan Schchchchschshcshchschshchshchchschooooooooooop of the Orioles.

Strengths: “Drabek throws a four-seam fastball clocked between 90–96 mph, a curveball in the 79–83 mph range, a cutter with a velocity between 89–95 mph, and a changeup in the 83–86 mph range. ”

Weaknesses: “Drabek is known for his extremely poor control at times and at one point, he led the league in walks.”

Overall Future Potential: High 6; HE STILL HAS SO MUCH POTENTIAL

Realistic Role: 4; he sucks. Don’t wear his shirsey until he’s healthy and pitching baseballs competently

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; he’s had Tommy John surgery twice, which is more times than Tommy John had Tommy John surgery. That can’t be good.

The Year Ahead: Probably some time in the bullpen with some flashes of his past potential. You’ll draft him way too high in your fantasy league in 2015.

Wardrobe ETA: 2007raded for Roy Halladay

8. Dustin McGowan

 Size: YS/YM/YL/YXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: Grandslam New York.

 Price: $33.31

 Online Description: “Dustin Mcgowan Toronto Blue Jays Royal Blue Youth Name And Number T-Shirt By Majestic”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 3 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Spent more time on the DL than the bump. Thankfully he announced his “intention” to compete for a starting job next year. Good thing that happened.

Strengths: Plus derp potential. Maybe you’ll run into someone who knew McGowan at a bar? I literally cannot think of anything else.

Weaknesses: Only use is to keep gunshot wounds from overflowing. You’ll end up injured wearing this shirt. Don’t do it… I like you.

Overall Future Potential: 4; it’s not looking good guys.

Realistic Role: 2; I’m not paying 33 bucks to pretend to be Dustin McGowan. I don’t think Dustin McGowan would do that.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Enormous; could disintegrate into ash at any moment.

The Year Ahead: While the shirt intends to compete for a spot in your wardrobe we all know that it’s going to stay in the drawer where it belongs.

Wardrobe ETA: Never. Don’t you dare let this happen.

9. @RickyRo24

Size: M/L/XL/2XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: MLB Shop

 Price: $14.97

 Online Description: “Displays player’s twitter handle and number on back”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: One year after being unfathomably terrible, he was unfathomably more terrible. So unfathomably terrible that the Jays couldn’t tolerate him at the major league level anymore. He spent most of the year in the minors.

Strengths: He still has 147K+ Twitter followers, and wearing this shirsey might get you like, six followers yourself.

Weaknesses: No it won’t. You look stupid.

Overall Future Potential: High 5; yeah, Twitter is cool, but it belongs on the Internet

Realistic Role: 3; you’re gonna send this shirsey down to the High-A Goodwill

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; good luck getting this shirsey back to its original value

The Year Ahead: Maybe he’ll actually pitch at the major league level. I very much doubt that the Dunedin Blue Jays wants to spend money to produce an @RickyRo24 shirsey.

Wardrobe ETA: 2011

10. Yunel Escobar

 Size: YL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $18.57

 eBay Description: I see many FAKES being sold on eBay. Word to the wise: Be VERY cautious. If the seller does not say “This is a genuine jersey, not a knockoff”, I’d be VERY skeptical! Buyers are getting RIPPED OFF left and right. We only sell GENUINE ORIGINAL JERSEYS—Absolutely NO FAKES here! So please be careful when buying jerseys on eBay. Many good, honest, hard-working people are being taken. Sweatshops are not a pretty site, so please do not support them! With that being said…… YOUTH/KIDS/BOYS/CHILDRENS SIZE LARGE (14-16) – BRAND NEW – NEVER WASHED, NEVER WORN!

 The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Yunel ended up in Tampa Bay where his unfortunate personal beliefs blended perfectly with a lot of other bigots on the team.

Strengths: Great design. It will keep you from being nude. Comes with complementary derogatory eye black.

Weaknesses: Youth large probably shows off your famous pectorals just a bit too much. You probably don’t want to wear this as a crop top. Has known to be a problem in the club house. Wearing this shirsey could ruin your home life.

Overall Future Potential: 5; if you wear this to bed you’ll be fine.

Realistic Role: 3; if you’re going to bed with a gay, well-informed baseball fan, they’ll be pissed.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirt could start disrupting your skin’s health at any point.

The Year Ahead: IT’S THE NEW HOMOPHOBIC ICE CREAM TREAT. TRY YOUR ESCO-BAR TODAY!!!!

Wardrobe ETA: When Jordan and I can get married.

System Overview:

This isn’t exactly a top-tier system, but it has some pieces to look out for in the coming years. Sexy Delgado is aesthetically awesome but comes with a legitimate concern about price and shirsey legitimacy. Any system with TWO Twitter handle shirseys is a bit of a worry, but the plus-plus derp of both Arencibia and Romero considering their most recent contributions to the team is still an exciting thing to have in your organization. Pink Lawrie showcases elite irony with plenty of versatility as well, and the classic Doc Halladay provides all the sadness, an underrated aspect of the shirsey experience. This is a team that has potential for future shirsey awesomeness (Kawasaki), but remains a mid-level system at the moment.