Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Rockies BP Top 10 Prospects.

No special guest this week. Sorry for the delay. #slack

System Quote: “Home is wherever I hit .315 annually.” 

Rockies Top Ten:

1. Haltertop Jason Giambi
2. Haltertop Troy Tulowitzki
3. Autographed Manny Corpas
4. Jackie Robinson
5. Vinny Castilla 
6. Rafael Betancourt
7. Yorvit Torrealba
8. Dante Bichette
9. Mike Hampton
10. Jason Jennings

1. Haltertop Jason Giambi

 Size: One Size Fits all  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $28.00 + $4.50 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Check out this amazing halter top made from a Jason Giambi jersey tee – it’s one of a kind!”  

The Tools: 8 derp; 3 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jason Giambi continued his improbable transition from juiced-out frat boy to wise old baseball wizard.

Strengths: Lets you show off those shoulders and support your favorite Rockies superstar at the same time. Jason Giambi is a man who deserves to be recognized on the front of a shirt. Elite level derp.

Weaknesses: Questions about haltertop profile may cause shirt’s tools to play down. Looks like your dog chewed up your Jason Giambi shirsey and you tried to salvage whatever was left.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if there’s ever a Jason Giambi related porno, this shirsey will play a major role in helping said porno win an Oscar.

Realistic Role: 2; hopefully we never have to see a Jason Giambi related porno.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; shirsey could fall apart at any moment.

The Year Ahead: Giambi might still be on the Indians, but that has no effect on the wonder of this haltertop.

Wardrobe ETA: When all your other clothes are burned.

2. Haltertop Troy Tulowitzki

 Size: One Size Fits All  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $28.00 + $4.50 Shipping  

 eBay Description: “Each shirt is precision cut and finished so that you will be thrilled with the quality and craftsmanship of this top.”  

The Tools: 7 derp; 4 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 3 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Tulo continued his unfortunate ability to multitask as he was both awesome and hurt at the same time.

Strengths: Ladies love Tulo, and Tulo loves ladies. Tulo LOVES ladies wearing Tulo haltertops. Probably.

Weaknesses: Incomplete nature of the haltertop reminds the wearer of Tulowitzki’s injury history. Shirsey’s inability to stay on the body remenicent of Tulo’s inability to stay on the field.

Overall Future Potential: 7; allows for legitimate opportunity to date Troy Tulowitzki

Realistic Role: 3; no, it definitely doesn’t.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; absolutely no chance you can wear this more than 140 times a year.

The Year Ahead: This piece of art will continue to be used across the great state of Denver as a great way to scare away Troy Tulowitzki’s family.

Wardrobe ETA: 2007

3. Autographed Manny Corpas

 Size: XL  

 Current Status: Not available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $29.95  

 eBay Description: “BE SURE TO ADD TRUSTED TEES TO YOUR FAVORITE SELLERS, AFTER ALL, WE ARE TRUSTED WORLDWIDE.”  

The Tools: 6+ derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Corpas continued his mediocrity and thew 41.2 forgettable innings for the Colorado Rockies. Bought a dog. Named it Paco.

Strengths: Autograph raises value on open market. The number 60 works well as a party trick. Would be very popular in Corpas Christi, if it was spelled like that.

Weaknesses: The autograph adds to the somewhat depressing nature of this middle reliever shirsey. Most Americans aren’t able to count to 60 which makes this shirsey hard for society to appreciate. Corpus Christi isn’t very big.

Overall Future Potential: 4; middle relief shirsey. You can give this to your girlfriend to wear when she finally sleeps over.

Realistic Role: 3; collects dust at the bottom of your drawer next to that Jarrett Brown shirsey.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; legitimacy of autograph determines value

 The Year Ahead: More of Manny being Manny.

Wardrobe ETA: Don’t buy this.

4. Jackie Robinson

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay

 Price: $11.99

 eBay Description: “Shirt is used but still in excellent condition. Slight fading gives the shirt a great, vintage look. No rips, tears, stains or spots. All seams intact except for the hem on the bottom of the left sleeve. It has unravelled, but could easily be resewn to look good as new. Or cut the sleeves off for a cool summer look.”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Jackie Robinson took most of the year off, except for April 15th on which he played every single position for every single team. Starred in the hit movie “42” which was a biopic about Mariano Rivera.

Strengths: Helps you reminisce about Jackie’s time on the Rockies. Could also be worn as a Mariano Rivera shirsey.

Weaknesses: Looks fake/stamped on. Jackie never played for the Rockies.

Overall Future Potential: 6; it’s 4 + 2

Realistic Role: 2; it’s 4-2.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; if given away to friend, shirsey might refuse a trade and start its own coffee business instead.

The Year Ahead: Jackie should remain dormant after April 15th as he does mostly every year.

Wardrobe ETA: 1947

5. Vinny Castilla 

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.25 + $3.70

 eBay Description: “Vintage/used?: Yes”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; price

 What Happened to the Player in 2013: Vinny was recently spotted at a basketball game with Carlos Gonzalez. The two chatted about politics and bonded over all the money they made thanks to the effect altitude has on a baseball.

Strengths: Castilla was one of the 90’s trademark Rockies, which means a lot to the people of Denver… I think.

Weaknesses: Shirsey doesn’t display the players real name. Catsilla’s real name is Vinicio Soria. Soria is good friends with Angels first baseman Jose Alcantara, Dodgers pitcher Donald Greinke, and rap artist Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Bongo Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam.

Overall Future Potential: 6; wearable to a Rockies game and the occasional workout.

Realistic Role: 5; probably better suited for the gym.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; everything in Denver is high.

The Year Ahead: Castilla should do something interesting, I’m bored.

Wardrobe ETA: 1996

6. Rafael Betancourt

 Size: L  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

Website: eBay  

Price: $3.99 + $4.99  

eBay Description: “I have had a negitive expirience with a customer on my shipping. As many repeat buyers know, I take pride in fast shipping. But things have changed in my life and you can read about this in my about me page.”  

The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Betancourt was injured on and off for most of the season, but he still managed to go the whole year without balking once. That’s the point we are at with Rafael Betancourt. Quoting his balk totals.

Strengths: I don’t know. 63 is a cool number. You can tell people it’s a Yuniesky Betancourt shirsey for 2014 because a decent number of people would believe that he signed with Colorado.

Weaknesses: Do you really want to wear the shirsey of the guy that gave up a walk-off INSIDE THE PARK HOME RUN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 

Overall Future Potential: 5; solid bullpen shirsey option

Realistic Role: 4; slightly less than solid bullpen shirsey option

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; still in Denver, still high

The Year Ahead: Hopefully Betancourt doesn’t have to close for the Rockies anymore with Rex and all of his Brothers pitching so well the last few years.

Wardrobe ETA: 2010

7. Yorvit Torrealba

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay

 Price: $4.79 + $3.99 Shipping

 eBay Description: “I see no flaws of any kind. I am going to call this pre-owned. Sold as is! Don’t miss out! Thanks for looking!”

The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: King Yorvit returned to Colorado this year and played in 61 games for the Rockies. This is new to me because I watched 6 Rockies games this entire year.

Strengths: Great price. You saw the eBay scouting report: “No flaws of any kind”

Weaknesses: You saw the eBay scouting report: he’s “going to call this pre-owned. Your girlfriend might call you Yorvit during intercourse.

Overall Future Potential: High 5; great for a costume party

Realistic Role: 4; more realistically given to your girlfriend after intercourse

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Yorvit’s family got abducted in Venezuela a couple years back so there’s a good sympathy card to play here.

The Year Ahead: Yorvit should be a backup catcher somewhere for the next 24 years. Each year will raise the value of this shirsey a bit more.

Wardrobe ETA: 2034

8. Dante Bichette

 Size: XL  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

Price: $40.00 + $7.00 Shipping  

eBay Description: “Dante Bichette is a former Major League baseball outfielder who began his career with the California Angels in 1988. He was traded to the Milwaukee Brewers in 1991, then traded to the new expansion team, the Colorado Rockies, where he shined. He finished the Rockies’ first season with 21 home runs and a .310 batting average, his personal best for both at the time. He had his best season in 1995, coming very close to the Triple Crown with a .340 batting average, 40 home runs and 128 RBIs. He later played for the Cincinnati Reds and the Boston Red Sox”

The Tools: 6+ derp; 6+ awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 2 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Bichette resigned as the hitting coach of the Rockies after failing to properly teach his team’s pitchers how to pitch better.

Strengths: Dante Bichette was a beautiful player who peaked just before the steroid era, but probably still did steroids anyway. Apparently Bichette almost won a triple crown. No way you’ll be mistaken for a misplaced lad in a Dante Bichette Jr. shirsey.

Weaknesses: Price is insane which means high likelihood of shirsey not reaching ceiling. You could buy at least 4 other good quality shirseys with 47 bucks. You could also buy the Tampa Bay Rays.

Overall Future Potential: 6; could be worn out on a weekend if paired nicely with some faded jeans and a whole lot of overconfidence.

Realistic Role: 5; Gym –> Tan –> Laundry. Repeat.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Extreme; price is bonkers

The Year Ahead: Bichette will continue to teach his son how to pimp home runs and swing at curveballs in the dirt.

Wardrobe ETA: 1996

9. Mike Hampton

 Size: L  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $12.49

 eBay Description: “Check out this vintage Mike Hampton Colorado Rockies T Shirt from 2001. The numbers on the back have a crack mark but otherwise the shirt is in good condition! Hampton was a pitcher known for his unique hitting ability.”

 The Tools: 6 derp;  5 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He continued his role as the pitching coach for the Arkansas Travelers, the AA affiliate for the Angels. He must be doing a fantastic job considering the wealth of pitching prospects in the Angels system.

Strengths: If worn in affluent neighborhoods, cash could be thrown in your direction. The number 10 looks weird for a pitcher. Supposedly vintage. Vintage is in right now which means right now is so out right now.

Weaknesses: I promised myself I would never purchase anything that has a “crack mark.” 

Overall Future Potential: 6; if shirt develops two way skills, tools could play up to allow for premium wearability.

Realistic Role: 5; overvalued within your wardrobe, this really fits better as a supermarket shirsey.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; no one ever got into a fight over Mike Hampton, except for probably Mike Hampton.

The Year Ahead: Hampton should continue to nurture the Angels of the future.

Wardrobe ETA: Later

10. Jason Jennings

 Size: XL  

 Current Status: Available for purchase  

 Website: eBay  

 Price: $3.99 + $4.99 Shipping  

 eBay Description: “ISSUES: All I see is some paint starting to wear in afew places. And I saw 1 slight stain on the front, I almost missed, and a small stain on the back shoulder. Otherwise, in good condition. Sold as is! Don’t miss out!”  

The Tools: 6+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 6+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: I have absolutely no idea what Mr. Jennings did this year but two years ago he accomplished something incredible. “On May 25, 2011, the Grand Prairie AirHogs of the American Association of Independent Professional Baseball signed Jennings to a contract for the remainder of their season. On September 12, 2011, Jennings started Game 5 of the AA Championship and pitched 6⅔ innings to pick up the win and help lead the AirHogs to their first American Association Championship – his first championship at any level.” JASONNN JENNINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Strengths: Jennings always goes great with jeggings. Plus-plus price equates to low risk. Well above-average obscurity despite player’s success on the Rockies.

Weaknesses: Seller claims that shirt has “paint starting to wear in a few places.” I usually don’t wear paint shirts; it’s bad for my skin. If you are buying a shirt for 7 dollars on the internet, it’s probably time to reevaluate your life.

Overall Future Potential: High 5; mid-rotation shirsey that would probably be best away from home

Realistic Role: 4; back end shirsey

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Jason Jennings’ historic legacy probably won’t be changed any time soon

The Year Ahead: Hopefully he’ll be winning more indy ball championships. Jason Jennings AT LEAST deserves that.

Wardrobe ETA: 2002

System Overview:

The first system to boast not one unfathomable haltertop but TWO unfathomable haltertops. Give credit to Colorado for developing such ungodly talent. After the top two, the talent thins out fairly quickly. The Jackie Robinson is fairly rare, but its skills play down because it’s the Rockies. Autographed Corpas could be a valuable piece in the future but as previously noted, it depends entirely on the town of Corpus Christi changing the spelling of their name. Manny Corpas has absolutely zero control over the value of that shirsey because reasons. It’s nice to see some 90’s superstars in this Top 10 in the form of Bichette and Castilla; however, this system’s lack of a plus-plus derpy Neifi Perez shirsey highlights a true weakness in the organization. Did you know Jason Jennings won NL Rookie of the Year in 2002? Now you do. The shirsey still kinda sucks though. This is a middling system with some high-end haltertop talent combined with some blah fillers from the early 2000’s.