Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings.
Click here to read the Padres BP Top 10 Prospects.
Carrasco, Gwynn, Winfield, Piazza, and Kouzmanoff write-ups are courtesy of Geoff Young of Baseball Prospectus. You can follow him on Twitter @ducksnorts. No, seriously. @ducksnorts.
System Quote: “Petco. Where the pitchers who need to revive their career go.”
Padres Top Ten:
- Mat Latos
- Tenthman
- Carrasco?
- Ryan Klesko
- Bruce Bochy
- Tony Gwynn Jr.
- Dave Winfield
- Mike Piazza
- Mike Cameron
- Kevin Kouzmanoff
1. Mat Latos
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $29.99 + $4.60 Shipping
eBay Description: Cool polyester material
The Tools: 8 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mat Latos continued his rep as next years’ next big thing as he showed great potential but was always missing a bit of something.
Strengths: Aside from the female wearing no pants? There’s a ton to love here. Fantastic retro color combination of yellow and brown. The front says Eugene Emeralds even though the color scheme is classic Padres. The brown stripe on the sleeve is classy. Also did I mention the attractive lady without pants.
Weaknesses: Bi-Mart advertisement on lower bum keeps this shirsey from achieving elite level potential.
Overall Future Potential: 7: if you can peel off the Bi-Mart ad, you’ll have yourself a possible perennial all star.
Realistic Role: High 6; peeling that ad off isn’t worth your time. Also, you don’t get the woman with the shirsey.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; shirsey just looks really good.
The Year Ahead: If she continues working out that – oh you mean the shirsey? Um. Go Latos!
Wardrobe ETA: ASAP
2. Tenthman
Size: Small
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $15.00 + $5.00 Shipping
eBay Description: Era: 1977-1989 (Punk, New Wave, 80s)
The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 8 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Well, if this shirsey is referring to the entire San Diego Padres fan base during the late 80’s, then one can assume that a lot of these people have grown up considerably. I would assume the majority of them still live in San Diego and are still madly in love with Tony Gwynn. And not the Tony Gwynn that appears later on this list.
Strengths: wow
much retro
so Tenthman
very Padres
Weaknesses: Tenthman is not a word or a name. It is just a thing that sports fans made up.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; perfect for time traveling Padres dorks
Realistic Role: High 5; plus-plus derp keeps this shirsey’s floor considerably high
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this shirsey represents a lot of people and who knows how many of those people have been to prison?
The Year Ahead: Again, if time travel becomes possible, this shirsey might be the best gift for any 47 year old Padres fan that is sick and tired of watching Kyle Blanks sit on the bench.
Wardrobe ETA: 1988
3. Felix Carrasco
Size: Small
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $8.08 + $3.00
eBay Description: “HAS NO CONDITION ISSUES”
The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Carrasco was last seen in 2011, when he went 0-for-4 with 4 strikeouts for the Chunichi Dragons. He was less perfect in the North American minor leagues, striking out in a mere 31 percent of his plate appearances over four seasons, none above High-A ball. Bonus points for a career .796 fielding percentage at third base. Aside from the contact and fielding deficiencies, he was great. Carrasco turns 27 on Valentine’s Day. Baseball is hard.
Strengths: His name is spelled correctly. And it’s on the back, which looks a lot less dorky than having your name on the front. Seriously, who does that?
Weaknesses: You’ll have to explain who Felix Carrasco is to anyone who asks. This risk is mitigated by the fact that nobody will ever care enough to ask.
Overall Future Potential: 5; because 15 divided by 3 equals 5.
Realistic Role: 4; dude had a .739 OPS in the Cal League.
Risk Factor/Injury History: It could get lost in the dryer, like that one sock. You won’t admit it, maybe not even to yourself, but you’d be devastated.
The Year Ahead: Hey, at least you have something to wear. I mean, if you’re willing to wear it.
Wardrobe ETA: Now; just get it over with already.
4. Ryan Klesko
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $6.00 + $4.00
eBay Description: “This is a never worn, long sleeve t shirt that we got at a game. The front shows the SD logo and the number 30. The right sleeve has KLESKO on it and a Sycuan Indian logo.”
The Tools: 7+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 2 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Klesko was a pre-game analyst for the Barves. This means that he pregamed with his friends in the parking lot and got smashed before every game.
Strengths: Long sleeve shirt means wearability in all seasons including winter and other cold seasons. The small SD logo on the left tit is classy and is located close to your heart, which is symbolic of your love for the Padres.
Weaknesses: Unlike most shirseys that have the name on the back this one is on the sleeve, which makes the shirt look like something you got at your Jewish sleep away camp back in the 7th grade. The fact that there is a Sycuan Indian logo on the sleeve seems perplexing and may confuse your friends and family.
Overall Future Potential: 6; sleeve situation offers unique profile as shirsey winter wear.
Realistic Role: 5; there’s no real need for long sleeves in San Diego.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low Risk; if sleeves fall off you’ll have a short sleeve shirt to fall back on.
The Year Ahead: Klesko should keep pregaming Barves games because one only knows how long he can keep that job.
Wardrobe ETA: Whenever it gets cold in San Diego.
5. Bruce Bochy
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $3.99 + $3.99
eBay Description: “Perfect for any Padres enthusiast.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 6+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: He ain’t a player anymore. After winning two World Series championships in three years, Mr. Bochy guided the Not San Diego Padres to an unimpressive 76 win season. He continued giving Brandon Belt the silent treatment.
Strengths: Winning World Series championships with the wrong California team
Weaknesses: Winning World Series championships with the wrong California team
Overall Future Potential: 6; this is a pretty cool shirsey despite the always too large ad on the bottom
Realistic Role: 5; solid shirsey that should stay in the shirsey game for a long, long time
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; two championships in three years buys any manager a LOT of time
The Year Ahead: Bochy will continue to do everything in his power to help beat the Padres. Sorry, San Diego.
Wardrobe ETA: 1986
6. Tony Gwynn Jr.
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $8.00 + $7.00 Shipping
eBay Description: “IMPORTANT:I don’t ship outside of US. Domestic only!”
The Tools: 4 derp; 5 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Gwynn hit .300… for the Albuquerque Isotopes. He stole 12 bases in 21 attempts and probably grounded out to second base a lot. Maybe he consoled himself with some green chile stew from Frontier. That’s what I would do.
Strengths: Not many people know this, but his similarly named father played professional baseball. I’m sure he was quite good at it. Also, 18 was Gene Kingsale’s old number, which is fitting. A few years later, it was Paul McAnulty’s old number, which isn’t.
Weaknesses: You’ll have to correct people of a certain age who think you’re wearing the wrong number for Gwynn. They’ll be like, “Dude, Chris Gwynn wore number 9.” Haters.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; if you’re in San Diego, there’s a decent chance folks won’t even notice the number once they see the name.
Realistic Role: 4-3; ground out to second base.
Risk Factor/Injury History: He could get 300 plate appearances for a big-league team. It’s happened three times, but not since 2011, so you’re probably safe.
The Year Ahead: Someone signed him. It was… ah, yes, the Phillies. Their Triple-A affiliate is, uh, the Lehigh Valley IronPigs. How’s the green chile stew out that way?
Wardrobe ETA: Always and forever
7. Dave Winfield
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $24.99 + $5.25
eBay Description: “INCREDIBLE AND RARE DAVE WINFIELD STADIUM GIVE AWAY T SHIRT
WITH THE OLD SCHOOL THROW BACK SAN DIEGO PADRES ART
GIVE AWAY PROMO FROM GE AND SANYO BATTERIES”
The Tools: 7+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Winfield led the Padres in home runs at age 61. Well, technically he tied for the lead, as no player has ever hit a home run for the Padres at age 61.
Strengths: He’s in the Hall of Fame. He has a disarming smile and will destroy you in one-on-one.
Weaknesses: How come nobody ever called him Baskin-Robbins? That would have been an appropriate and delicious nickname. Come to think of it, Kevin Brown could have been Bobsled Brownie. People should ask me these things. Who would be Cherries Jubilee?
Overall Future Potential: 8; uh, the Hall of Fame?
Realistic Role: 8; hang on, let me double-check… yeah, he’s still there.
Risk Factor/Injury History: I already answered this for that other guy.
The Year Ahead: Winfield is now special assistant to the Executive Director of the Major League Baseball Players Association. Therefore, he will hold that title and do things associated with it.
Wardrobe ETA: If you have to ask…
8. Mike Piazza
Size: 2XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $15.00 + $7.00
eBay Description: “You are bidding on a M.Piazza tshirt.”
The Tools: derp; awesomeness; player obscurity; design/color scheme; price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Piazza was named on 62 percent of Hall of Fame ballots, which is a lot more than the zero votes that other Dodgers/Marlins/Mets catcher on the ballot, Paul LoDuca, received. LoDuca, it should be noted, never spent time with the Padres. This might be a coincidence. Then again, it might not.
Strengths: This was the only year he ever wore 33, a number previously reserved in San Diego for the likes of Tom Griffin, Juan Eichelberger, and Wil Nieves. What Piazza did to earn such an honor lies beyond my comprehension.
Weaknesses: He threw out 12 percent of would-be basestealers in his only year with the Padres. If you wear this, you could lose use of one or both arms. That would be a bummer.
Overall Future Potential: 7; he’s not in Cooperstown yet.
Realistic Role: 6; he’ll be there soon
Risk Factor/Injury History: The arm thing.
The Year Ahead: Maybe a cranky old blogger known only as “The Big Backne” loses his Hall of Fame vote and Piazza gets into Cooperstown.
Wardrobe ETA: I misread it as “EAT” this time… probably because “Piazza” looks like “pizza.” Mmm, pizza…
9. Mike Cameron
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $13.95
eBay Description: “Can wear for pajama’s. Just a cute look and it is the summer fun baseball mom shirt. Go to the game and be a sport.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mike Cameron continued on with his life as a retired baseball player, but probably still managed to complete more athletic tasks than 99% of the human race.
Strengths: Mike Cameron was pretty awesome on all eight teams he played for. No one dislikes Mike Cameron. One of 16 players in the history of Major League Baseball to hit four home runs in one game.
Weaknesses: Mike Cameron was once traded for Paul Konerko. Also, Mike Cameron was once traded for Ken Griffey Jr.
Overall Future Potential: 6; that cool shirsey that you wear to the beach and feel significantly cooler than you actually are
Realistic Role: 5; a valuable bench shirsey that can give you great defense when you need it
Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; this shirsey can make you fairly reckless when playing in large open spaces of grass
The Year Ahead: Cameron will hopefully focus on raising his son Daz, who happens to be the top prep prospect for the 2015 Draft.
Wardrobe ETA: 2001
10. Kevin Kouzmanoff
Size: 2XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $8.00 + $7.00 Shipping
eBay Description: “It’s a brand new, made by Majestic and size 2XL.”
The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kouzmanoff hit .294/.344/.440 in 60 games for the New Orleans Zephyrs, the Marlins’ Triple-A affiliate. The 31-year-old third baseman was blocked in Miami by 37-year-old Placido Polanco and his 72 OPS+. His last big-league game was September 28, 2011, playing for the Rockies. He went 3-for-5 with two doubles.
Strengths: He hit a grand slam on the first pitch he ever saw in the big leagues. His nickname, “The Crushin’ Russian,” is cool until you learn he is Macedonian, not Russian. But it sounds better than “The Mashin’ Macedonian” or “Blocked by Polanco,” so you roll with it.
Weaknesses: His career high for walks in a season is 46, at Lake County and Akron in 2004, but you’ll look great taking a stroll in this brown thing.
Overall Future Potential: 5; you have to really love brown, which many Padres fans do.
Realistic Role: 4; sorry, it’s hideous.
Risk Factor/Injury History: The risk is that you’ll be seen wearing this in public. But you don’tcare what other people think because you’re a bad-ass-Kouzmanoff-shirsey-wearing mofo. Unless being mocked makes you weep, in which case all bets are off.
The Year Ahead: He signed with the Rangers in December, presumably because Adrian Beltre will be easier to pass on the depth charts than Polanco was in Miami.
Wardrobe ETA: KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!
System Overview:
This is a top 10 shirsey system in baseball. This is a system that can proudly boast Hall of Famers, guys that you swear are made up, guys that ARE made up, and a holy shit what in the world is that Mat Latos shirsey. AND Kevin Kouzmanoff. The Latos monstrosity at the top has truly elite derp potential that is hard to find in the current shirsey stratosphere. The Winfield with the strange lettering is a nice piece to have, and you can’t ignore the plus-plus obscurity of Felix Carrasco. This organization’s sporadic on-field success over the years has unquestionably led to an impressive collection of shirsey talent going into to 2014.
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 