Costanza, Giambi, Melky, Hafner, and Nunez write-ups are courtesy of Andrew Mearns, editor and writer over at Pinstripe Alley, the SB Nation Yankees blorrogrogrogrogorgorogog. You can follow him @MearnsPSA.
System Quote: “Derek Jeter really sucks at shortstop.”
Yankees Top Ten:
- George Costanza
- Jason Giambi Red
- Red Bernie Williams
- Melky Cabrera
- Derek Jeter Grease Stain
- Pink Toddler A-Rod
- Mark Teixiera
- Travis Hafner
- Tino Martinez
- Eduardo Nunez
Size: XL
Current Status: No longer available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $54.50 + $9.98 Shipping or Best offer
eBay Description: “GREAT FOR YANKEE FANS OR SEINFELD FANS VERY HARD TO FIND JERSEY”
The Tools: 9 derp; 7 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 potential color scheme; 2 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: George Costanza continued to be a fictional character in the Seinfeld universe, serving as Assistant to the Traveling Secretary for the Yankees. Might have dealt with personal shrinkage problems and on an related note, suggest to Joe Girardi that the team wear cotton uniforms, as he did to Buck Showalter 19 years ago.
Strengths: You don’t see many fictional Yankees shirseys, let alone shirseys with the fantastic double-zero. No Yankee has ever worn zero, so it’s certainly unique in that regard. Also, Seinfeld.
Weaknesses: The price is insane. It was actually re-listed from its
original asking price of $74.50. Stunned that it didn’t sell, amirite? Also, it’s no longer available, as the seller just settled for the best offer. I can only assume that the best offer was a couple of crayons and a pudding. Questions about shirsey legitimacy also raise some eyebrows.
Overall Future Potential: 6; Seinfeld isn’t likely to air again anytime soon, and more people will forget who George Costanza is.
Realistic Role: 2; it just occurred to me that people might think noted batting expert Jose Constanza joined the Yankees. Beware.
Risk Factor/Injury History: The shrinkage is a serious threat. Stay away from the pool.
The Year Ahead: SERENITY NOW!
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $14.00 + $3.77 Shipping
eBay Description: “New York Yankees Majestic Jersey Tshirt Rare Red Jason Giambi Size Mens Large”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6 potential color scheme; 5 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Ol’ man Giambi embraced his role as “mountain man who hits dingers,” this time in Cleveland.
Strengths: By wearing this, you show that you’re a person who loves him/her some dingers. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. The red is also good for tricking Cleveland fans for thinking it’s an Indians Giambi shirsey.
Weaknesses: Randomly red Yankees shirsey. Da fuq. Also non-dingers.
Overall Future Potential: 6; still a possibility that he hits random walk-off homers for a playoff team in 2014.
Realistic Role: 3; has had one season over a 100 OPS+ since 2008 (when he was actually on the Yankees). Will probably retire after the season and accept some kind of managing role. But dammit, those dingers are fun.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Hey, it’s red, so people will still think you support the Indians! Wait, that’s not what I meant. I’m just talking Cleveland. Hang on, I can save-
The Year Ahead: Couple more dingers, some quotes about what it was like to play in the majors before the Jake and Jordan were born. (Seriously, da fuq.)
Wardrobe ETA: 2002
3. Red Bernie Williams
Size: XXL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $13.98
eBay Description: “I DON’T KNOW THAT I’VE EVER SEEN THE YANKEES WEAR ANYTHING RED…IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE A RED SOX SHIRT :D“
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Williams is now a musician and has already released two jazz albums since his retirement, because winning four World Series championships wasn’t enough accomplishment for one lifetime.
Strengths: No one disliked Bernie Williams. Did you know he used to run track and field in international competition in high school? Dude represented Puerto Rico pretty well
Weaknesses: Are you a 350 lb color blind Yankees fan? Probably not.
Overall Future Potential: 6; solid shirsey that has serious potential if you shrink it in the wash sixteen times
Realistic Role: High 5; the defense alone maintains this shirsey’s value for a long time
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Latin jazz is the way to go once you retire from baseball. Duh.
The Year Ahead: Probably more jazz making and Yankee fan hand shaking. Bernie Williams has a pretty cool life.
Wardrobe ETA: 1998
Size: M
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $7.99 + $2.99 Shipping
eBay Description: “ Smoke Free Pet Free Home”
The Tools: 6 derp; 3 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 7 potential color scheme; 7 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: After last year’s awkwardness getting suspended and not returning to the eventual World Series champions, Melky joined the 2012-13 offseason champions, the Toronto Blue Jays. Like many Blue Jays though, he was a disappointment and only gave the Jays 88 games of replacement-level play in exchange for $8 million.
Strengths: Back-to-back four-win seasons possibly powered by PEDs, and a relic from the only team Melky’s been on for more than one full season. Somehow, Melky is not yet 30, and he is already well on his way to becoming Octavio Dotel.
Weaknesses: The Yankees are lacking in Melky, so the shirsey is spreading damned lies. Do you want to spread damned lies, punk?
Overall Future Potential: 7; hey, Melky’s had as many three-win seasons as Ryan Howard, so he could randomly break out again.
Realistic Role: 4; meh. Probs not.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Gotta watch out for those PED suspensions. Also benign lower back tumors. Dear God, Melky, what is your career?
The Year Ahead: Scoring another $8 mil from the Jays for probably another meh season. But hey, he turns 30 in August so maybe he’ll somehow return to the Yankees and this shirt can make some sense again. Also, I own this shirsey, though it’s somewhere buried in a moving box at my parents’ house. Awkward.
Wardrobe ETA: 2006
5. Derek Jeter Grease Stain
Size: XL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $26.95
eBay Description: “As a Derek Jeter fanatic, your holidays are never complete without having your favorite player around for the holidays. You have a Derek Jeter snowman for all the winter holidays, a turkey sporting a Jeter jersey, an Uncle Sam Jeter figurine, and a camo Jeter jersey for all your Veteran’s Day celebrations. Get ready to bring the Irish inside of you out while continuing your affection for Jeter with this Celtic Player tee by Majestic.”
The Tools: 7 derp; 5+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 4 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: The slow march of time engulfed our hero as injuries finally caught up to Captain Intangibles.
Strengths: You can spill whatever you want on this thing and it will look just as good as it does now. Shows your love for Derek Jeter while maintaining your appreciation for dirty members of the armed forces.
Weaknesses: Looks like you had to work at the factory during St. Patrick’s day and got grease stains all over the shirt. Then you went to the bar and had some sort of beer/mud fight.
Overall Future Potential: High 6; you’ll get into all the Irish pubs in Boston and get a bunch of compliments
Realistic Role: 4; oh wait
Risk Factor/Injury History: High; this is just stupid
The Year Ahead: Jeter will continue to limp around and “play” shortstop while the Yankees salute his every at-bat like it’s his last.
Wardrobe ETA: 1996
Size: 2T (Toddler
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $15.95
eBay Description: “Your little fan can display their Yankees pride while showing support for Alex Rodriguez with this player tee from Majestic. It features a team name across the chest with ARod’s name and number on the back, all over a girly hot pink body!”
The Tools: 6+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: A-Rod got a 3,937 game suspension or something and then went nuts on the Yankees because they disrespected him by not paying him his 30 million dollar salary…or something. Wait that’s not what happened?
Strengths: Well, the description sums it up well. YOUR LITTLE FAN can wear this Alex Rodriguez shirsey and be the coolest kid in pre-school…
Weaknesses: …until he/she gets mocked for wearing GIRLY HOT PINK. What the fuck.
Overall Future Potential: 6; girly hot pink
Realistic Role: 5; girly hot pink
Risk Factor/Injury History: Extreme; girly hot pink
The Year Ahead: Probably more girly hot pink.
Wardrobe ETA: 200girlyhotpink
Size: Women’s medium
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $14.99
eBay Description: “Brand New with Tags, Majestic Women’s New York Yankees Mark Teixeira #25 Lead Role Player T-Shirt, Navy Blue”
The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mr. Teixeira only played in 15 games due to a serious wrist injury. Poor Mr. Teixeira. The Yankees missed him terribly. Also known as MARK TEX-YERRA or MARK TECK-SHE-AIR-UH or MAHRK TERXER.
Strengths: Yeah, it’s pretty cool…
Weaknesses: IF YOU’RE A GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Overall Future Potential: 6; this is way better than the Grady Sizemore halter-top
Realistic Role: 5; it’s still a Mark Teixeira shirsey and it’s not gonna be cool for much longer. He’s declining faster than (INSERT CLEVER METAPHOR)
Risk Factor/Injury History: Medium; not a huge injury risk until this year but it could get ugly pretty fast
The Year Ahead: He will look great in the Yankees lineup behind Robinson Cano and Alex Rodriguez. Yeah.
Wardrobe ETA: 2009
Size: S/M/L/XL/XXL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: Fanatics.com
Price: $21.56 + $4.99 Shipping
eBay Description: “There’s no doubting your Yankees enthusiasm! Send out your cheers for Travis Hafner as he takes the plate to make another exciting play for the Yankees in this Player Name & Number T-shirt from Majestic. The front of this shirt boasts a team logo, while the back displays Hafner’s name and #33. It’s the ultimate display of New York pride for a die-hard Yankees buff!
The Tools: 4 derp; 2 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 5 potential color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: For a month, it looked like Hafner would be another successful Yankees renaiassance project, like Raul Ibanez in 2012 (sorry, Jake). Then, he began to have shoulder problems because he’s made of glass and a pitching machine named “the Humbler” attacked him and basically ended his season in July. I wish I made that up. Dustin Ackley had a higher OPS+. For shame, Pronk.
Strengths: Early-season dingers. 80 grade nickname, though the bastard who came up with it somehow mixed a walk-off grand slam against Mariano Rivera in with his 11 career homers, so screw that guy.
Weaknesses: That product description is disturbing. What exciting play is he making at the plate? How is this displaying “Yankee pride” and enthusiasm? You’re buying a Travis Hafner shirsey. Look at your life, look at your choices. He could probably get injured just sitting on the toilet.
Overall Future Potential: 5; For the shirsey, not much future potential since a Pronk/Yankees reunion seems pretty damn unlikely. For Pronk, maybe if he’s lucky, he’ll resurface on some bargain-hunting team’s roster and hit 15 homers pinch-hitting or DHing.
Realistic Role: 4; I’d advise taking the under on that whole “15 homers” thing. Let’s face it–he’ll reunite with Grady Sizemore somewhere for brunch and they’ll both somehow blind each other by using a napkin incorrectly.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Did I mention that Hafner got assaulted by a goddamn pitching machine? Even Nick Johnson’s laughing.
The Year Ahead: Couple more dingers, far more DL stints.
Wardrobe ETA: If you can time travel to 2006 with this shirsey, Tribe fans are sure to be infuriated that their near-MVP slugger ended up on the Yankees. You don’t have to ruin the next 6 years for them by explaining why.
Size: L
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: eBay
Price: $9.99
eBay Description: “This shirt is in good pre-owned condition with no rips, holes or stains…This shirt is beautifully screen printed and will make a nice addition to someone’s collection of vintage MLB apparel…Please don’t waste my time and yours by bidding on an item that you have no intention of paying for. Non-paying bidders are a pack of wild scumbags that I prefer not to associate with.”
The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: No clue what Tino’s been up to this year but Wikipedia provides this gem: “Martinez participated in the Yankees’ 2011 Old Timer’s Day on June 26, 2011, where he was given one of the loudest ovations.[citation needed]”
Strengths: Hittin’ dingers and DRIVIN’ IN DEM RBI’ZZZZZZZZZZ
Weaknesses: Someone has been clawing at the back of this shirsey for some time now. Unsure how much time those numbers have left.
Overall Future Potential: 5; dingerz
Realistic Role: 5; dingerz
Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; the dude even went back and got his bachelor’s degree from the University of Tampa in 2011 so he should have a long career ahead of him on The Bachelor. Duh.
The Year Ahead: I just hope he goes back for another Old Timer’s Day and gets one of the loudest ovations again.
Wardrobe ETA: 1997
Size: M/L/XL/XXL
Current Status: Available for purchase
Website: GrandSlamNewYork.com
Price: $36.99 + $6.95 Shipping
eBay Description: “Eduardo Nunez New York Yankees Adult Navy T-Shirt”
The Tools: 6 derp; 3 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5 potential color scheme; 3 price
What Happened to the Player in 2013: Continued overhype began even in Spring Training, when Yogi Berra said he liked Nunez’s swing and that Nunez should get 500 plate appearances. Disappointed for a third straight year with an 86 OPS+ and blew his chance to impress while subbing for Derek Jeter by getting hurt for two months himself.
Strengths: Random people still think Nunez is gonna be a star “if he just gets another 1000 plate appearances!” or some bullshit like that. The Yankees have yet to move on from him, so perhaps this shirsey has high voodoo powers.
Weaknesses: It’s an Eduardo Nunez shirsey, and chances are, no one outside of a moderate portion of Yankees even knows who the hell he is. Also not so hot on the whole “accurately throwing baseballs” deal.
Overall Future Potential: 8; HE’S GONNA BE A STAR, I SWEAR. THE BALL ROCKETS OFF HIS BAT!
Realistic Role: 3; results are results. He’ll soon enter his late 20s and his career WAR is below replacement level in 270 games and 827 PA’s.
Risk Factor/Injury History: Even Joe Girardi admits that “Noonie” is a bit of a drama queen as far as frequently thinking his injuries are worse than they usually are.
Exhibit A: He went down like he got shot here, and he was fine.
The Year Ahead: More disappointment, but the rare dinger off Justin Verlander will inspire some false hope.
Wardrobe ETA: 2019
System Overview:
This is a system filled with former stars and expensive personalities which honestly doesn’t provide the best shirsey talent. The bizarre double red shirsey combo near the top of the list is what really catches everyone’s attention as the YANKEES JUST DON’T WEAR RED EVER SO LIKE WHY?!?! The Jeter Irish stain jersey is an odd one but a valuable piece in this organization that could potentially stick around for a long time because Jeter continues to Jeter at a Jeter level making it impossible for the Yankees to Jeter Jeter Jeter Jeter. Jeter. Backwards Mark Tex-yare-uh for GIRLS is a respectable shirsey to have in your Top 10, and Eduardo Nunez is a nice, derpier shirsey that could fill a lot of organizational holes in the near future. And yes, the $55 George Costanza shirsey is a Top 25 shirsey in the game. No doubt about it.
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1. George Costanza
2. Jason Giambi Red 
4. Melky Cabrera
6. Pink Toddler A-Rod
7. Mark Teixiera
8. Travis Hafner
9. Tino Martinez
10. Eduardo Nunez
CESPEDES FAMILY BARBECUE 
You should add that Tino Martinez spent most of 2013 physically bullying Marlins players as Miami’s hitting coach. http://deadspin.com/tino-martinez-resigns-as-miami-hitting-coach-amid-repor-943235712
This is too late. I don’t have enough time to buy these before Christmas.
I hate the Stankees, but here are 27 shirseys all their fans should own
1) Derek Jeter #2
2) Brett Gardner #11
3) Alex Rodriguez #13
4) Johnny Damon #18
5) Masahiro Tanaka #19
6) Jorge Posada #20
7) Paul O Neill #21
8) Roger Clemens #22
9) Tino Martinez #24
10) Robinson Cano #24
11) Mark Teixeira #25
12) Kei Igawa #29
13) Ichiro #31
14) Nick Swisher #33
15) Darryl Strawberry #39
16) David Cone #40
17) Chien Ming Wang #40
18) Mariano Rivera #42
19) Andy Pettitte #46
20) Bernie Williams #51
21) CC Sabathia #52
22) Hideki Matsui #55
23) Joba Chamberlain #62
24) Phil Hughes #65
25) Babe Ruth #3
26) Lou Gehrig #4
27) Joe Dimaggio #5