San Francisco Giants Top 10 Shirseys

Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read the Giants BP Top 10 Prospects.

Bonds, Lincecum, Posey, Roward, and Cepeda write-ups are courtesy of SB Nation MLB overlord, Grant Brisbee. You already follow him on Twitter. 

System Quote: “Also, this story is about Barry Bonds’s Baseball Reference page, and I’m calling it a ‘she’ because I want to have sex with it.”

Giants Top Ten:

  1. Barry Bonds
  2. Irish Heritiage Brian Wilson
  3. Patriot Lincecum
  4. Buster Posey Tweetup Shirt
  5. Omar Vizquel 
  6. Noah Lowry
  7. Aaron Rowand
  8. Camo Orlando Cepeda
  9. Chevrolet
  10. Aubrey Huff

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.46.51 PM1. Barry Bonds

 Size: L

 Current Status: Owned by Jake Mintz

 Website: eBay

 Price: $9.99 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “As one of the longest-established baseball teams, they have won the most games of any team in the history of American baseball, and any North American professional sports team.”

 The Tools: 2 derp; 8 awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He slipped again in the rankings of “Best Hitter Alive,” dropping to seventh place.

Strengths: His strength

Weaknesses: Being a human, dammit. Being a human being. Being insecure and unwilling to look the other way when the world was making out with Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire. You aren’t so different, you smug bastard. YOU AREN’T SO DIFFERENT.

Overall Future Potential: 8; If you want a shirt that says, “I’m a Giants fan. Also, fuck you”, you aren’t doing better than this shirsey. Unless you actually print those exact words on a shirsey. Which would be rad.

Realistic Role: 8; Something to wear when you’re a groomsman or bridesmaid, even if you have to put it over the stupid clothes they’re expecting you to wear.

Risk Factor/Injury History: If you think “done getting swole” is an injury, then, yeah, you’ll get injured. You’ll done get swole if you wear this. So big.

The Year Ahead:  Still the best hitter ever.

Wardrobe ETA:  2089 (Cooperstown only)

 Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.50.24 PM2. Irish Heritiage Brian Wilson

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

Website: eBay

Price: $12.99 + $4.99

 eBay Description: About the seller:  “esdeadjim” is not a hulking faceless unsmiling weasel-like international corporate conglomerate; he is a carbon-based two-legged humanoid with an unceasing desire to fix & feed his kingdom of feral cats.  Pulled from the smoldering wreckage of a rocket ship from the planet Absurdia, “esdeadjim” sprung from his meager beginnings to procure treasures from near and far to offer them at reasonable prices to the good citizens of Planet eBay.

 The Tools:  7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Brian Wilson returned to the baseball world as a legitimate bullpen option. Brian Wilson also went to Australia where he was lucky enough to run into me.

Strengths: I didn’t actually know that Brian Wilson was of Irish decent, but I can’t say I’m surprised. If Brian Wilson were to wear this shirt at an Irish pub, I assume he could drink an irresponsible amount of beer. That’s just the magic of the Irish I guess.

Weaknesses: Comparisons to leprechauns. Cops mistaking you for the actual Brian Wilson. Better ways to express pride for Irish heritage include, but are not limited to, eating a potato, drinking Jameson, and not wearing this shirt.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if worn at an Irish pub in San Francisco that Brian Wilson stumbles into at 1 in the morning, expect a raucous rest of your evening.

Realistic Role: 5; you probably shouldn’t be wearing a shirsey to a bar in the first place now should you? Have some class why dontcha.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; when you put this shirt on you should expect your evening to end in a hospital visit.

The Year Ahead: Shirsey should maintain its value if Wilson doesn’t denounce his Irish heritage, which is a legitimate possibility.

Wardrobe ETA: Whenever you feel like respecting your, or Brian Wilson’s ancestors.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.54.25 PM3. Patriot Lincecum

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $16.99 + $5.99

 eBay Description: “I usullay ship next day”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Patriot Lincecum threw a no-hitter. Patriot Lincecum walked everyone. Patriot Lincecum watched all of Miyazaki’s movies in one off day and ordered out.

Strengths: Murica

Weaknesses: That annoying “flag code” that states “The flag should not be used as “wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery” and “The flag should not be used as part of a costume or athletic uniform.” Bunch of nancies came up with that steaming pile of bureaucracy, I’m sure.

Overall Future Potential: High 5. Shirseys used to be the best! Now they’re fodder for stupid satire pieces on blogs. Like this.

Realistic Role: 5. It’s for when you want to let your blind date know that you’re a little counterculture, but a little patriotic, too.

Risk Factor/Injury History: 8. You don’t even have to ice the sleeves.

The Year Ahead: It’ll cost too much, but you don’t want to see some Goodwill-shopping freak wear it, so you’re keeping it.

Wardrobe ETA:  2008 or so.

4Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.55.24 PMBuster Posey Tweetup Shirt

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $19.99

 eBay Description: “I have up for bid, a 2012 San Francisco Giants Buster Posey Tweetup T-Shirt sized XL (Extra Large) Special Events Stadium Giveaway for 6-28-12. This t-shirt is limited to only 2,000 made and was only available by purchasing a special events ticket voucher. This game was against the Cincinnati Reds. This item will also come with the ticket stub to the game. Buster Posey is the winner of both the 2012 NL Comeback Player of the Year and NL MVP.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 3 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013:  #awesomesauce #firsthalfkickedass #hellaslump2ndhalf #stateoftheankle #isstrong

Strengths:  #dreamysmile #calmeyes #leadership

Weaknesses: #restrainingorder #lol #noseriously

Overall Future Potential: #6potential #strongshirt #eventhoughin15yearseveryonewillbewhatthefuckwasthatTwittershitallaboutanyway #myspace

Realistic Role: #6role #thebest #somethingtoweartothe@cafe

Risk Factor/Injury History: #6risk #scottcousins #murderer #worsethanpolpot

The Year Ahead: #mvp #thebest

Wardrobe ETA: 2017. Then the revolution starts and the capitalist pigs of Silicon Valley will run for their lives.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.57.06 PM5. Omar Vizquel 

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $6.00 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: ” short sleeve jersey style shirt of the Giants Omar Vizquel.  The shirt has been lightly worn and is in good condition with no holes, stains,etc”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 4 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Vizquel was an infield coach for the Angels for the season, then he accepted a job to be the first base coach for the Tigers, which is pretty odd considering you’d think he knows way more about playing shortstop…

Strengths: Shirsey has + price. Good size. Durability not an issue. Should be able to wear this shirsey for years on end.

Weaknesses: Durability could end up pushing this shirsey past its expiration date. You’ll probably be wearing this years after it should be in the trash.

Overall Future Potential: High 6; Hall of Fame candidate

Realistic Role: Low 4; Hall of Fame candidate like Jack Morris

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; should stick around forever but there will be bumps along the road

The Year Ahead: He’ll be coaching first base for Detroit where he will unquestionably have thousands of conversations with Miguel Cabrera about their respective favorite flavors of ice cream.

Wardrobe ETA: 1999

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 6.22.09 PM6. Noah Lowry

Size: XL

 Current Status: Listing has ended.

 Website: eBay

 Price: $11.00 + $2.50

 eBay Description: “Lowry pitched for the G-men from 2003-07”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 3 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Lowry did a very depressing interview in which he talked about the end of his baseball career which included nerve damage. He then talks about his own business, a snowboard shop in Santa Rosa.

Strengths: Reminiscing about what could have been??? Because who doesn’t love that?????

Weaknesses: If worn to a Giants game you should expect people to hate you. Raises questions you don’t want to answer.

Overall Future Potential: 4; if you convert this into a dish rag then maybe you can avoid the tears.

Realistic Role: 2; why do you want to be sad?

Risk Factor/Injury History: High… injury… history…

The Year Ahead: Hopefully Lowry enjoys his board shop.

Wardrobe ETA: Nope.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 5.57.46 PM7. Aaron Rowand

Size: Women’s Small

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $1.99 + $3.99

 eBay Description: “This jersey will provide many more years of proud, comfortable use as you support your GIANTS!”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 6 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 7 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He sat around his living room, waving his remote control around like it was a big ol’ Double-A-filled wang.

Strengths: This shirt can hit fastballs!

Weaknesses: This shirt does not see fastballs!

Overall Future Potential: 2; For ironic purposes only.

Realistic Role: 6; Something to wear to a St. Vincent show, hoping to attract cute, irony-loving Giants fans so you can get their number. (Note: This will not work.)

Risk Factor/Injury History: Extreme; you will run into walls, over and over again, the second you put this on. You idiot.

The Year Ahead: More wang-waving.

Wardrobe ETA: 2006. It would have been sooooo awesome back then.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 6.25.32 PM8. Camo Orlando Cepeda

Size: L/XL

 Current Status: Available for purchse

 Website: eBay

 Price: $23.99

 eBay Description: “Front logos are screen printed, back are Heat Pressed”

The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 4 design/color scheme; 4 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: He hid in some bushes. He’s possibly watching you right now. Because the shirsey is camouflage, you cannot see him.

Strengths: Invisibility.

Weaknesses: Makes you hungry. Really, really hungry. Luckily there’s this bowl of rice, chicken, and pineapple right here for $32 …

Overall Future Potential: 2; He’s literally 76 and not a baseball player anymore. But if you’re talking about the shirt’s potential, I have no idea. Because I can’t even see it.

Realistic Role: 4; Something you’d wear as part of a college prank to steal the Dodgers mascot, Tommy Lasorda, so you could roll him in a carpet and throw him off a bridge.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low, but only going through airport security.

The Year Ahead: More nerds complaining about Cepeda in the Hall. More nerds not able to do a damned thing about it.

Wardrobe ETA: 1961. Man, what a year.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 6.28.03 PM

9. Chevrolet

Size: L/XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “SF Giants orange  T- Shirt SGA new size  Large or X-Large  sponsor by Chevrolet”

 The Tools: 7+ derp; 3 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 3 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Gerrymander Chevrolet was a lynchpin in the Giants dynasties of the early 1880’s, but in 2013 he remained very dead.

Strengths: A great leader, Gerrymander was a man of the people. After games it was common to see Mr. Chevrolet throwing condoms into the crowd as to promote safe sex within the Polo Grounds.

Weaknesses: Gerrymander was a fervent womanizer to the point that he guest starred in Brittany Spears’ music video of the same name.

Overall Future Potential: 8; rocking a Gerrymander Chevrolet shirsey in an old folks home would get you street cred forever and you’d land an invite to the next bingo night.

Realistic Role: 7; various bingo invites keep the floor high, but not quite Hall of Fame level due to Chevrolet’s womanizing.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low risk; player has been dead for years.

The Year Ahead: Plans to remain dead.

Wardrobe ETA: 1880 or whenever you figure out this was all a lie.

Screen Shot 2014-01-17 at 6.29.08 PM 10. Aubrey Huff

Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $11.99 + $5.99

 eBay Description: “Please e-mail me if you have ANY questions…”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 5 awesomeness; 6 player obscurity;  6 design/color scheme; 5 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mr. Huff finally retired from Major League Baseball. Mr. Huff also has a section in his Wikipedia page titled “Legacy”. Yeah.

Strengths: This is the shirsey that you can’t really stand but you need it in your drawer in order to win championships, apparently.

Weaknesses:  “Huff has several tattoos. A noted Transformers fan, he has the logos of the Autobots and Decepticons tattooed on his shoulder blades.”

Overall Future Potential: High 4; bench shirsey but YOU WILL WIN MULTIPLE WORLD SERIES

Realistic Role: 3; really crappy bench shirsey but YOU WILL WIN MULTIPLE WORLD SERIES

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; Huff the Magic Designated Hitter will always be there for you

The Year Ahead: Huff is joining the Pac-12 Network as an announcer for college baseball games. That should be awesome.

Wardrobe ETA: Thong

System Overview:

Any casual fan knows that the Giants organization is rich with history, pitching depth, and really fantastic shirsey talent. This year is no exception. Obviously it starts at the top with The Greatest Hitter of All Time, but this collection maintains its impressive nature all the way down the list. Any shirsey system that can boast a derptastic Twitter handle shirsey is a good one, and the remarkably unique Orlando Cepeda camo shirsey is a gem that could work its way into the Top 101 shirseys by next year. We at the BBQ love shirseys that are actually cars or any sort of product, and this absurd Gerrymander Chevrolet helps balance the general awesomeness of this list with some supreme derp. This is a system worth keeping an eye on over the next couple forevers, because the talent here has the potential to make some huge strides towards shirsey super-stardom any decade now.

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