2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: Hoes Race

C: Rust Helm Urchin

RF: Hoe Saber Teacher

1B: Ad Winning Corn Ass Yawn

3B: Joshed One Held Son

DH: Shushed In Smoke

LF: My Kales Hounders

2B: My Stir Is Stirs

CF: Dolt Dump Ump Pay

SP: Ray Dick

SP: Marked Barely

SP: Jew Watchings On

SP: Heroines Ant Chest

SP: Dan You’ll North

Off-season Haiku

Man who lives in van.

Stroman should have lived in van.

Maybe he’d be safe :(

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Juan Francisco off Junichi Tazawa – 467 feet

Someone give this man 500 god damn plate appearances.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Colby Rasmus off Craig Breslow – 340 feet

If you paused the video at 0:11, it’d be awfully difficult to convince someone that it was a home run.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Austin Bibens-Dirkx
  • RHP Tiago Da Silva
  • RHP Arik Sikula
  • 1B L.B. Dantzler
  • SS Shane Opitz
  • RHP Adonys Cardona
  • LHP Francisco Gracesqui
  • RHP Starlyn Suriel
  • 2B Jason Leblebijian
  • SS Dawel Lugo
  • 2B Dickie Joe Thon
  • OF Derrick Loveless
  • OF Chaz Frank
  • RHP Mark Biggs
  • RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
  • C Max Pentecost
  • SS Gunnar Heidt
  • 1B Ryan McBroom
  • 1B Rowdy Tellez
  • OF Boomer Collins
  • OF Roemon Fields
  • RHP Hansel Rodriguez
  • 2B Deiferson Barreto
  • SS Yeltsin Gudino
  • LHP Juliandry Higuera
  • LHP Kelyn Jose
  • RHP Luis Zerpa
  • 3B Bryan Lizardo

Three Bold Predictions

  • Jose Bautista starts bringing his phone out to right field with him in order to increase the rate at which he can find new random people to follow. Bautista posts the worst defensive season of his career, but becomes the most popular player in baseball anyway.
  • In the middle of the season that would give him 15 consecutive seasons with 200 innings pitched, Mark Buehrle suffers an arm injury and is forced to spend July and August on the DL. In order to get to the 200-inning mark, Buehrle returns in mid-September and starts every single game for the Blue Jays over the last two weeks. In game 162 with 191 innings pitched, Buehrle throws a complete game shutout…righty.
  • Daniel Norris wins the 5th starter spot, posts a sub-3 ERA, wins Rookie of the Year and is still referred known by most baseball fans as, “Oh, he’s the Van Guy”.
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2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Pittsburgh Pirates

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

3B: Gosher Risen

RF: Craig Horny Pollen Co.

CF: Hand Room Ink Munchkin

2B: Wheel Knocker

LF: Czar Lint Marquee

1B: Paid Troll Varies

SS: Shorty Murder

C: Frown Cyst Coster Valley

SP: Carrot Goal

SP: Age Burnout

SP: Frown Cyst Crawl Hearing Honor

SP: Jay Flock

SP: Van Swirly

Off-season Haiku

Lose one good-framing

former Yankee catcher, eh?

Well, they got two more.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Ike Davis off Josh Beckett – 450 feet

This home run would look significantly less impressive in Oakland.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Travis Snider off Tim Hudson – 334 feet

This home run would look significantly more impressive in Baltimore.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • 3B Deibinson Romero
  • OF Gorkys Hernandez
  • RHP Matt Benedict
  • C Dwight Childs
  • 2B Gift Ngoepe
  • RHP Yhonathan Barrios
  • RHP Jhondaniel Medina
  • RHP Tyler Sample
  • 1B D.J. Crumlich
  • OF Raul Fortunato
  • OF Jonathan Schwind
  • RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
  • C Kawika Emsley-Pai
  • SS JaCoby Jones
  • OF Maximo Rivera
  • RHP Montana DuRapau
  • RHP Sam Street
  • C Deybi Garcia
  • 2B Trace Tam Sing
  • RHP Marek Minarik
  • RHP Oderman Rocha
  • RHP Jonathan Sandfort
  • SS Trae Arbet
  • 2B Ulises Montilla
  • OF Enyel Vallejo
  • RHP Gage Hinsz
  • RHP Yunior Montero
  • LHP Horelbin Ramos
  • RHP Jandy Vasquez
  • SS Bealyn Chourio
  • OF Tito Polo
  • RHP Jherson Esqueda
  • RHP Yeudy Garcia
  • LHP Nestor Oronel
  • RHP Eumir Sepulveda
  • C Mikell Granberry
  • 1B Huascar Fuentes
  • 2B Raul Siri
  • OF Mister Luciano
  • OF Jeremias Portorreal
  • OF Sandy Santos
  • OF Edison Lantigua

Three Bold Predictions

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

CF: House Tinge Hacksaw

LF: Stench’s Myth

2B: Robbing Sunk Canoe

DH: Kneel Sunk Rose

3B: Kale Caesar

1B: Logging Forrest Inn

C: Mice Coon He Knows

LF: Dunce Tinge Hack Leash

SS: Bread Milker

SP: Flexer Nantes

SP: He Saw Your Ewok Humor

SP: Jane’s Spanx Town

SP: Tie Wawa Corn

SP: Ronin Hiss Alias

Off-season Haiku

Maybe a year late,

but Nelson Cruz has arrived.

Rickie Weeks, too? Sure!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Chris Denorfia off Sean Nolin – 433 feet

And you really wondered why the M’s were willing to give up The Great Abraham Almonte for a few months of Denorfia’s services.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Mike Zunino off Dan Straily – 338 feet

It’s funny how this counted as a home run while this gargantuan foul ball Zunino hit in April counted for nil.

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Misael Siverio
  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • 3B Yordi Calderon
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • 3B Zach Shank
  • OF Chantz Mack
  • OF Jabari Henry
  • OF Burt Reynolds
  • RHP Thyago Vieira
  • RHP Hawtin Buchanan
  • LHP Joselito Cano
  • RHP Jody Kerski
  • RHP Jeffeson Medina
  • RHP Lukas Schiraldi
  • OF Sheehan Planas-Arteaga
  • RHP Yohailys Millord
  • RHP Jeremiah Muhammad
  • RHP Ulises Perez
  • RHP Marvin Gorgas
  • C Wei Wang
  • SS Rayder Ascanio
  • 3B Lachlan Fontaine
  • 2B Kavin Keyes
  • OF Hersin Martinez
  • RHP Rigoberto Garcia
  • RHP Ugueth Urbina
  • OF Arby Fields
  • C Georvic Perez
  • SS Gianfranco Wawoe
  • LHP Melchor Urquides
  • LHP Romulo Manzueta
  • RHP Aneurys Zabala
  • SS Greifer Andrade
  • SS Johmbeyker Morales
  • OF Adalfi Almonte
  • LHP Liarvis Breto
  • RHP Wladimir Marruffo
  • RHP Paolo Padovani
  • C Geoandry Montilla
  • C Oberto Munoz
  • 3B Alexdray Laya
  • 2B Luis Rengifo

Three Bold Predictions

  • King Felix enhances his enlightened despotism and institutes easier access to health care, allocates funds for the advancement of the arts, and makes capital punishment illegal.
  • Brad Miller and Chris Taylor morph into one painfully white, extremely mediocre shortstop blob named Bris Maylor.
  • Nelson Cruz, Robinson Cano, Mike Zunino, and Kyle Seager all put on 50 pounds and start calling themselves the Legion of Boob.

CFBBQ March Madness

Because I am a student-athlete and thus privy to all the rules and regulations of the NCAA, I am not allowed to gamble or wager on the NCAA basketball tournament in any way. This sucks a whole lot of butt. So instead of losing 20 dollars, I’ve decided to spread the love this year.

The winner of the CFBBQ pool will win a fitted CFBBQ hat and a guest appearance on the podcast. Second place gets a hat. Last place gets a free CFBBQ business card. Sucks.

There are three rules for the bracket. If your bracket does not follow these rules you are disqualified and thus ineligible for our lame prize:

  • You may not pick Kentucky to win a single game.
  • You must have a seed higher than 8 in your final four.
  • Your score for the championship game must be 169-69.

Here is the link for the CFBBQ March Madness bracket: http://games.espn.go.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/2015/en/group?groupID=797610

Happy Picking.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Kansas City Royals

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Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: A Seedy Sex Crowbar

LF: Alexa Garden

1B: Harry Kozma

DH: King Grease Moor Allies

C: Saliva Derp Ares

RF: Elixer Hijos

2B: Home Harry Fun Time

3B: Mice Mushed Tacos

CF: Lawrence OK

SP: Your Dong Oven Churro

SP: Trey Song Forge Ass

SP: Gare Meager Us Tree

SP: Adding Son Vole Quest

SP: Dandied Huffy

Off-season Haiku

Well, James Shields is gone.

It was fun while it lasted.

Edinson Volquez?!

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Alex Gordon off Cody Allen – 462 feet

This was probably the pinnacle of the Royals’ regular season run, a game-tying dinger in a late August game on national television. It was also absolutely destroyed.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Salvador Perez off Kirby Yates – 338 feet

The left field line situation at Tropicana is arguably even stranger than the Pesky Pole in Fenway. What the hell is that platform even doing there?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • LHP Buddy Baumann
  • RHP Aroni Nina
  • OF Whit Merrifield
  • LHP Tripp Davis
  • RHP Benino Pruneda
  • 1B Mark Threlkeld
  • 2B Justin Trapp
  • LHP Jonathan Dzeidzic
  • LHP Felix Familia
  • RHP Brooks Pounders
  • RHP Glenn Sparkman
  • LHP Daniel Stumpf
  • OF Daniel Rockett
  • RHP Bryan Brickhouse
  • RHP Igol Feliz
  • RHP Robinson Yambati
  • OF Dexter Kjerstad
  • RHP Scott Blewett
  • LHP Enmanuel Camacho
  • LHP Estarlin Cordero
  • RHP Eric Sandness
  • LHP Dylan Sons
  • 2B D.J. Burt
  • 3B Manny Olloque
  • OF Amalani Fukofuka
  • OF Logan Moon
  • LHP Cruz Guevara
  • RHP Zach Lovvorn
  • LHP Eric Stout
  • SS Jeckson Flores
  • SS Marten Gasparini
  • 3B Wander Franco
  • OF DonAndre Clark
  • OF Brawlun Gomez
  • RHP Gerson Garabito
  • RHP Ofeidy Gomez
  • RHP Yimauri Pena
  • C Meibrys Viloria
  • 2B Offerman Collado
  • 1B Yorly Martinez
  • OF Jose Vital
  • OF Yeison Melo

Three Bold Predictions

  1. Terrence Gore makes the Opening Day roster as Kendrys Morales’ designated pinch-runner. Kendrys keeps Gore in his back pocket during at-bats and when he makes contact, he pulls him out and throws him towards first base.
  2. After successfully converting Below-Average Starter Wade Davis into All-Time Great Reliever Wade Davis, the Royals attempt to turn Below-Average Reliever Louis Coleman into All-Time Great Starter Louis Coleman. It doesn’t work.
  3. As a response to somewhat controversially stopping at third base in Game 7 of the World Series, Alex Gordon tries to score on every single ball he hits to the outfield during the year, leading to a record number of inside-the-park home runs and a litany of TOOTBLANs.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: Los Angeles Dodgers

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

SS: Chin Meat Raw Wings

LF: Call Call Fjord

CF: Your Seal Pig

1B: Aid Rye Angle Souls

C: Ass Money Grundel

2B: A Weak A Drink

3B: Wander eBay

RF: Shock Beaters On

SP: Cleat Honker Shoe

SP: Saw Cranky

SP: Inching Wee Who

SP: Bring Them Car Thief

SP: Bread Handers On

Off-season Haiku

Where did Matt Kemp go?

Drastic Front Office changes;

Bunch of fuckin’ nerds.

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Hanley Ramirez off Jorge De La Rosa – 472 feet

Even in the rain, this was the 5th farthest home run in all of baseball in 2014. If Hanley hits one like that this year, the ball could go all the way to [insert Boston suburb you have the most family friends in]!

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Scott Van Slyke off Wade Miley – 341 feet

The first thing you’ll notice is that they are playing the game in Australia. Remember that?

Best Names in the Farm System

  • RHP Red Patterson
  • 3B Buck Britton
  • SS Erisbel Arruebarrena
  • RHP Ralston Cash
  • RHP Raydel Sanchez
  • 1B O’Koyea Dickson
  • RHP Jharel Cotton
  • C Austin Chubb
  • 2B Casio Grider
  • 1B Justin Chigbogu
  • 1B Josmar Cordero
  • SS Faustino Oguisten
  • RHP Karch Kowalcyzk
  • RHP Abdiel Velasquez
  • C John Cannon
  • 3B Yensys Capellan
  • OF Billy Bereszniewicz
  • OF Andrew Godbold
  • RHP Danny Danielson
  • RHP Misja Harcksen
  • RHP Lenix Osuna
  • RHP Harlan Richter
  • RHP Sven Schuller
  • RHP Kam Uter
  • RHP M.J. Villegas
  • 1B Ibandel Isabel
  • OF Federico Celli
  • RHP Melvyn Forbes
  • LHP Osiris Ramirez
  • C Hendrik Clementina
  • C Gersel Pitre
  • C Alvaro Rubi
  • 3B Jimy Perez
  • OF Shakir Albert

Three Bold Predictions

  • In line with the organization’s new image the Dodgers formally change their name to the Los Angeles Nerds. The crowd chant of “LETS GO NERDS” during the playoffs inspires millions across the country.
  • Yasiel Puig finds a person named Cütof Mann and hits him in the face.
  • Juan Uribe hits a home run and consequently bat flips the bat over the center field wall. A little known MLB bylaw grants Uribe double the runs for his courageous display of raw strength.

2015 CFBBQ Season Previews: New York Mets

Click here to see our other 2015 team previews!

Projected Lineup

2B: Dangle Em Herpies

LF: My Kegel Dyer

3B: Dave Dried

1B: Lou Cast Tudor

C: Trapeze Doorknob

RF: Grotesque Ranger Sewn

SS: Will Mufflers

CF: On Land Cars

SP: Me Turvy

SP: Barter Loco Loan

SP: Jonny’s

SP: Squealer

SP: Shake Of Pogrom

Off-season Haiku

You got a shortstop?

One that’s not Wilmer Flores.

Where’s Rey Ordonez?

Farthest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Kevin Correia – 457 feet

Lucas Duda quietly hit 30 home runs in 2014. This was the longest of those 30.

Shortest Home Run of 2014
Lucas Duda off Vance Worley – 341 feet

Wait, Lucas Duda hit 30 home runs in 2014? Huh. This was the shortest of those 30.

Best Names in the Farm System

  •  RHP Rainy Lara
  • C Xorge Carillo
  • OF Maikis De La Cruz
  • RHP Dawrin Frias
  • RHP Chris Flexen
  • RHP Persio Reyes
  • LHP Paul Paez
  • SS Yeixon Ruiz
  • 3B Nelfi Zapata
  • OF Champ Stuart
  • RHP Gaither Bumgardner
  • RHP Martires Arias
  • RHP Scarlyn Reyes
  • RHP Edioglis Villasmil
  • OF Tucker Tharp
  • RHP Nicco Blank
  • RHP Yoryi Nuez
  • LHP David Roseboom
  • OF Wuilmer Becerra
  • RHP Nabil Crismatt
  • 1B Dash Winningham
  • OF Hengelbert Rojas
  • RHP Gregorix Estevez
  • RHP Merandy Gonzalez
  • RHP Luis Popa
  • RHP Ygnacio Rondon
  • RHP Bladimil Vallejo
  • 3B Yeffry De Aza
  • 3B Rigoberto Terrazas
  • OF Ysidro Pierre
  • RHP Wuender Fernandez
  • RHP Enmanuel Berihuete

Three Bold Predictions

  • Noah Syndergaard gets called up in May and opens his own Which Wich sandwich shop inside the Mets clubhouse. Bobby Parnell asks for a trade.
  • Bartolo Colon shows up to spring training in the best shape of his life: spherical.
  • Mets fans will be disappointed with the season. Wait. That’s not bold.