Yoenis Cespedes is a free agent. He can sign with whomever he wants, though it’s most likely that he’ll sign with a major league baseball team. We thought about selling all of our shirseys to try and make a run at Yo, but we realized he’s probably not interested in a 1-year, 74-dollar deal.

Unless he decides to join the PGA Tour earlier than expected, Yoenis is going to make a lot of money this winter — probably more than he’s actually worth. Barring an MC Hammer-level financial meltdown, Yoenis will never have to worry about money again after signing this contract. Not bad for a quiet dude from Campechuela.

Before the Yoenis sweepstakes heat up, we’d like to run through each team and investigate their prospects of signing the man with the fire-breathing Lamborghini.

31. Cespedes Family BBQ

Why Yes: We’re like, his biggest fans. We met him once and it seemed like he could tolerate us as friends for a longer period of time. We could hang out with Yoenis Cespedes on a regular basis.

Why No: We don’t have anything of value to offer to Yo, let alone millions upon millions of real actual dollars, which seems to be a key aspect to signing a big-time free agent.

30. Tampa Bay Rays

Why Yes: Yoenis already has a home in Florida. He could golf even more than he already does. This opens up the possibility of him swimming in the stingray pool at some point.

Why No: The most expensive free agent signing in the post-Devil Rays era, was the whopping 3-year $21 million deal they gave to James Loney a few years ago. No chance they can afford Yoenis, let alone his new car.

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