Click here to read a primer on our shirsey rankings. 

Click here to read all of our other shirsey lists. 

Click here to read the Cubs BP Top 10 Prospects.

 

Wood, Quade, Starlin, Prior, and Campana write-ups are courtesy of Brett Taylor of Bleacher Nation. He knows a few things about the Cubs. We like him. Follow him on Twitter @BleacherNation. 

System Quote: “106 years is like, a long time.”

Cubs Top Ten:

1. Kerry Wood Tank Top
2. Green Samardzija
3. Mike Quade
4. Neon Starlin
5. Mark Prior
6. Tony Campana
7. Carlos Marmol
8. Sammy Sosa
9. Bryan LaHair
10. Ryan Theriot

1. Kerry Wood Tank Top

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $14.99

 eBay Description: “A brand-new, unused, unopened, undamaged item ”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Kerry Wood would carry wood.

Strengths: This tank is like a mullet in both directions – it’s a party in the front and the back. Additional strengths include: breathability, armpit exposability, possible see-through-ability.

Weaknesses: The tank is technically for women, which means you – the man who has clearly purchased it for yourself – may have to explain the fit. But, you know what? If a little of your midriff shows, the squares’ll just have to deal. You didn’t develop a gut that looks like a bowling ball is trying to escape from your belly button for nothing. You earned this moment.

Overall Future Potential: Borderline 6; hit the weights for a few years, and this tank will be the only thing standing between you and the many ladies of your dreams.

Realistic Role: 4; worn around the house when no clean shirts can be found, or if ah-what-the-hell-it’s-at-the-top-of-the-pile.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; the shoulder areas, while tastefully slim to maximize tan lines and shoulder hair expression, are rather thin. Tearing, and forcible toga-ing, are a serious concern.

The Year Ahead: There will be so much beer spilled on the front of this tank it’ll look like the cub bear in the logo isn’t house-trained. But that’s really the message you’re going for anyway: you can’t tame a wild beast.

2. Green Samardzija

Size: M

 Current Status: No longer available

 Website: eBay

 Price: $8.99 + $5.95 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Would be a great Retro wear, or collectible, you decide.”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 5+ player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Trade rumors weren’t the only thing swirling around Jeff’s head as he fell off his bike and saw cartoon stars a couple of times last year.

Strengths: Highest scoring name in scrabble in all of  MLB. Perfect color scheme for Christmas or that Mexican pride parade or that Italian pride parade and probably nothing else ever.

Weaknesses: Green shirseys for players without any semblance of Irish heritage is just plain old stupid. Unless its for the A’s.

Overall Future Potential: 6; you’ll be the coolest guy in parties when you make everyone pronounce the name on your back.

Realistic Role: 5; those parties won’t be fun.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; who knows what could happen when so many letters are involved? DANGEROUS.

The Year Ahead: Sam R. Juh might get traded. He also might not. One thing’s for sure: his hair will stay wilder than a lion’s roar.

Wardrobe ETA: When you can spell Samardzija without looking.

3. Mike Quade

 Size: XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $8.99 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “This Shirt Was a Give Away Item For The First Lucky Fans at an Iowa Cubs Game When Mike Was The Manager.”

 The Tools: 6+ derp; 4 awesomeness; 6+ player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Mike spent his 2013 managing Cubs games on MLB: The Show, probably.

Strengths: Excellent shirsey for fishing, being frustrated, and just hanging around, not doing much. Also: it’s a Mike freaking Quade shirsey. This is a thing that exists.

Weaknesses: The “Iowa” across the chest forces the wearer to explain why there is a Cubs-looking shirsey that says Iowa, which becomes tedious over time. May also have to explain fandom of Randy Quaid.

Overall Future Potential: 5; as a “real baseball shirsey,” with years of wisdom and effort, this shirsey should get a shot to lead your wardrobe at some point.

Realistic Role: 4; this shirsey is perfectly adequate at the back of your closet, supporting your other shirseys.

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; you may wear this shirsey for a couple weeks, deciding that it’s a perfect fit. But committing to a shirsey based on just a few weeks of wearing it – particularly in the fall, when just about any shirsey is going to feel fine – is almost always a mistake. You can’t know until later that threads fray, embossing cracks … and suddenly you’ve lost your shirt. (Er, your shirsey.)

The Year Ahead: OMGLOL IS THAT A MIKE QUADE SHIRSEY!?!?!? WAAAAAAAAAAAAANT!!!!!!!!!!

4. Neon Starlin

Size: S/M/XL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $11.99 + $5.00 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Starlin Castro Chiacgo Cubs Black Neon Player Name & Number T-Shirt for Men”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 6 awesomeness; 4 player obscurity; 6+ design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Starlin Castro did not have a great year of major league baseball. Probably because he had 666 at-bats.

Strengths: The colors pop in a way that dazzles the eye and obscures the fact that you are, in fact, wearing a Cubs-related shirt. At times, this shirsey looks really, really good. And the shirsey’s still young, too. Plenty of time left to develop into a sweater.

Weaknesses: This shirsey might not always be available when you need it, turning its back on you precisely when you’re reaching for the hanger. The shirsey is also prone to sudden and dramatic regression, which will lead to uncomfortably hostile debates among your friends as to the cause.

Overall Future Potential: 7; if you can pull this shirsey off, there won’t be too many who can be your equal in Stylesville, USA.

Realistic Role: 4; it looks too cool to be a regular shirsey, but not cool enough to be a regular shirt. And it looks like it’s trying to look cool.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; how securely attached is that neon stuff? And is it safe to eat? I probably should have asked the second question first.

The Year Ahead: The shirsey saves the day when an angry entity – the City of Chicago? a nearby rooftop? Zuul? – powers down the lights at Wrigley Field, creating a darkening haze of chaos, booze, and blood. The neon shirsey lights up the darkness, leading the terrified fans to safety outside the ballpark (but not before a wrong turn into a rat’s nest in the visitor’s clubhouse).

5. Mark Prior

Size: L

 Current Status: No longer available

 Website: eBay

 Price: $8.99

 eBay Description: “Acceptable condition, looks like it was worn many times. All logos and letters screened on. Minor cracking on the graphics. Facimile signature on front. No rips or stains. There is a group of 6 tiny holes on the front around the stomach area.

 The Tools: 5+ derp; 6 awesomeness; 3 player obscurity; 5 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: After many a tragically failed comeback Prior finally hung up the jockstrap.

Strengths: This shirsey will impress everyone who sees it. The classic gray with blue and red embellishments are eminently repeatable, and look fantastic every time. Well, for the first two and a half years, anyway.

Weaknesses: Shoulder seams separate inexplicably. Vulnerable to toothpicks and Marcus Giles.

Overall Future Potential: High 8; the greatest shirsey in the history of your closet.

Realistic Role: 2; tattered rag used for towel drills.

Risk Factor/Injury History: This shirsey will perform exceptionally well – just don’t wear it too long in a given day. If you’ve already worn the shirsey for a few hours, maybe switch it out for a more fresh shirsey. Do you want to have the Mark Prior shirsey for one year, or for a decade? Maybe give it a day off every now and again, too, whydontcha? And if you wore the shirsey too long last time, wear it for only a couple hours this time. And don’t let the shirsey throw more than 120 pitches so damned often. And take the f*cking shirsey out after 100 pitches with a huge lead when it’s already been a long-ass season. And if the shirsey is rattled out there, at least GO OUT AND TALK TO HIM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! WHY, DUSTY!? WHYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!? … I, uh. I’m sorry. Yeah. Shirseys.

The Year Ahead: Sublime awesomeness, slipping into unmatchable despair.

6. Tony Campana

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $12.99 + $1.99

 eBay Description: “I have 2 other shirts like this. One identical to this the other #13 Castro if you would like combined shipping on matching shirts for you and a friend or significant other.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 5+ design/color scheme; 5+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Campana was traded to the Diamondbacks and was shipped to Arizona in a nice little box.

Strengths: Gritty, scrappy, gutty, “wears the clothes the right way.” Ok, and genuinely very fast for a piece of cloth.

Weaknesses: This shirsey is an adult large, which makes absolutely no sense at all. It should come in three sizes: Petite, Child’s Petite, and Campanaminimal.

Overall Future Potential: 5; a shirsey to accompany Superman on the adventures that require that faster-than-a-speeding-bullet stuff.

Realistic Role: 4; good enough to be at the back of your closet, but the circumstances in which you need it are limited.

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; avoid large potholes or amusement rides with mid-range height requirements and you should be fine.

The Year Ahead: The shirsey will probably bounce around among your friends’ wardrobes, eventually latching on to your buddy who has very, very specific needs in a shirsey.

7. Carlos Marmol

Size: XL/XXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: WrigleyvilleSports.com

 Price: $9.49

 Website Description: “”Support one of the best relievers in baseball with this Carlos Marmol Name and Number T-Shirt from Majestic.”

 The Tools: 6 derp; 7 awesomeness; 5 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: After walking 439,396 batters in 27 innings with the Cubs to start the year, Marmol was shipped to Los Angeles where he walked 500,000 more batters. A fascinating statistical year for “one of the best relievers in baseball.”

Strengths: Throwing baseballs in a certain direction; reliever shirseys are always awesome.

Weaknesses: Throwing baseballs in the right direction.

Overall Future Potential: High 6; elite level closer

Realistic Role: 3; punchline for all jokes and victim of “Marmololololololol” tweets

Risk Factor/Injury History: He is riskier than risk itself. Good luck figuring that one out.

The Year Ahead: Last week, Carlos signed a MAJOR LEAGUE DEAL with the Marlins because of course he did. He will save 60 games with a WHIP under 1.00 because baseball.

Wardrobe ETA: ball four

8. Sammy Sosa

Size: XXXL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $32.00

 eBay Description: “Sosa”

 The Tools: 5 derp; 7+ awesomeness; 2 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 2 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: “Width Pit to pit 27 inches or 69 CM Great Condition no stains or holes Prevously ownedppin”

Strengths: Should fit almost every single life form on planet earth. XXXL size means it can also be used as a table cloth for holiday dinners. Sammy Sosa was awesome.

Weaknesses: BUT HE DID STEROYDSZZDNDJDZBH JASJBHASD

Overall Future Potential: High 7; should be a plus-plus snuggie later in its career

Realistic Role: High 6; can’t go wrong with Slammin’ Sammy

Risk Factor/Injury History: Moderate; shirt could suddenly become extremely white and get mocked across social media platforms.

The Year Ahead: Hittin’ dingerz in Backyard Baseball 2001 for my unstoppable Humongous Melonheads. Duh.

Wardrobe ETA: 1998

9. Bryan LaHair

Size: YL

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: Lids

 Price: $4.39

Description: “Great products at great prices for any fan.”

 The Tools: 7 derp; 5 awesomeness; 7 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 7+ price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: Definitely not any major league baseball, that’s for sure. Apparently he played in Japan.

Strengths: Hitting like Barry Bonds for one month and then being absolutely terrible.

Weaknesses: He’s terrible.

Overall Future Potential: 5; funny shirsey for some Cubs fans

Realistic Role: 3; nope

Risk Factor/Injury History: Low; it is what it is: a crappy shirsey 

The Year Ahead: He recently signed a minor league deal with Cleveland so presumably he will spend his time asking Jason Giambi for piggyback rides around the clubhouse.

Wardrobe ETA: April 2012 and only April 2012

10. Ryan Theriot

Size: L

 Current Status: Available for purchase

 Website: eBay

 Price: $6.99 + $3.50 Shipping

 eBay Description: “Chicago Cubs Ryan Theriot T Shirt in size Large. Excellent condition. Comes from a smoke free home.”

The Tools: 6+ derp; 5+ awesomeness; 6 player obscurity; 6 design/color scheme; 6 price

What Happened to the Player in 2013: It does not say on the internet what Ryan Theriot did in 2013. This can mean only one thing, he’s been abducted by the Soviet Union.

Strengths: Few to none.

Weaknesses: Shirsey might cause excessive TOOTBLANage which could lead to embarrassing situations and low self worth.

Overall Future Potential: 5; could be worn to a Cubs game, but then again someone once wore this to a Cubs game.

Realistic Role: 2; TBLAN

Risk Factor/Injury History: High; could be thrown out at any time whether it be a bar, a basepath, or another thing one might get thrown out of. A car, ooh that’s good, let’s go with car.

The Year Ahead: One time there was a Ryan Theriot Charity Golf Classic which only happened once so it must have been a total classic.

Wardrobe ETA: The next time there’s a Ryan Theriot Charity Golf Classic.

System Overview:

Unlike the Cubs actual system, the organization shirsey talent in Chicago is not quite as rich with upside. Its biggest strength is undeniably its immense sadness. Prior and Wood are as sad as they come and will never stop making Cubs fans wonder WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN. Scrapmonsters Campana and Theriot are solid complimentary pieces to the high-ceiling Neon Starlin. The Sosa shirsey definitely helps to have a superstar such as Slammin’ Sammy Sosa surrounded by storied spitcher Sjeff Samardzija. However, this shirsey system simply lacks the upside of some of its National League counterparts. Go Cubs, go! Go Cubs, go! Hey Chicago, what do you say? The Soriano shirseys are coming today!