Chris(t) Stewart is ugly.

Chris Stewart has officially requested a trade, ESPN reported earlier today. “I’d like to go somewhere cold,” he stated in the interview, “somewhere really cold. Not fake cold like New York or Minnesota, but real cold, like Canada or Russia.”

This news further exacerbated an already sore situation, as it was tragically announced this weekend that Francisco Cervelli and Austine Romine each suffered severed left arms during a pillow fight over the starting job.

In his official press meeting this morning, Girardi responded violently when asked if he missed Russell Martin. “ABSOLUTELY NOT,” he howled, lashing out savagely at the air in front of him.

The manager’s outburst was followed by a moment of complete silence, described by one witness as a “serene calm.” Girardi then stared upwards for about a minute, and, eventually focusing on the confused reporters, whispered, “I’m coming back.”

When asked to elaborate, Girardi officially tendered his resignation as manager and announced his impending comeback. “Call Yogi,” he added. “I’m gonna need a backup.”