So now that the excitement of balls dropping is over, its time to talk new years resolutions. I asked a player on each team around the league about their new years resolutions. The answers were startlingly beautiful and I thought I would share them with you. Keep in mind that all of these are about as real as Dee Gordon’s power potential.

Arizona Diamondbacks: Willie Bloomquist

• Willie’s New Years Resolution is to find out what the hell a Didi Gregorius is.

Atlanta Braves: Andrelton Simmons

• Andrelton just wants to find a jockstrap big enough to satisfy his needs.

Baltimore Orioles: Pedro Strop

• Pedro has decided to wear his hat like a regular human being.

Boston Red Sox: Mo Vaughn

• Mo’s gonna lose some weight this year.

Chicago Cubs: David DeJesus

• As “The-Jesus”, David is looking forward to his holy New Years Resolutions, which include turning water to wine, saving lost souls, and helping the Astros win 60 games.

Chicago White Sox: Chris Sale

• Chris Sale is going to continue trying to become eligible for Tommy John.

Cincinnati Reds: Todd Frazier

• Todd just wants to let Scott Rolen know that he’s sorry.

Cleveland Indians: Jason Kipnis

• Jason wants to be not living in Cleveland by year’s end.

Colorado Rockies: Michael Cuddyer

• Michael’s resolution is to show that he’s a strong independant man that don’t need no UZR

Detroit Tigers: Miguel Cabrera

• Miggy’s resolution is to stop WAR in its tracks.

Houston Astros: Carlos Pena

• Carlos just wants to hit some homers and doesn’t give a crap about anything else.

Kansas City Royals: Alex Gordon

• Alex said “I’m looking forward to welcoming new teammate Wil My–” *holds back tears* “– er sorry” He stammered “I meant James Shields… not… Will… Myers…” 

Los Angeles Dodgers: Clayton Kershaw

• Clayton is planning to find out what Brandon League could have possibly done to deserve 21.5 Million.

Miami Marlins: Logan Morrison

• LoMo’s resolution is to raise his OPS above his DTAPP (Daily Tweets At Probably Prostitutes)

Milwaukee Brewers: Ricky Weeks

• Along with his brother in Oakland, Ricky is planning to “parent trap” Major League Baseball itself.

Minnesota Twins: Aaron Hicks

• Aaron’s resolution is to be just like his mentors Ben Revere and Denard Span and get the hell out of Minnesota.

New York Mets: Johan Santana

• Johan swears he won’t throw 134 pitches in a game again, even if he’s in the middle of a no hitter.

New York Yankees: Mark Teixeira

• Mark Teixeira’s actual New Years Resolution was to “be the first MLB player to wear Breath-Right Nasal Strips during games.“

Oakland Athletics: Yoenis Cespedes

• Yoenis told me he wanted to plan a family dinner online, but was having some trouble setting up a website. I felt bad letting him know that the domain cespedesfamilybarbecue.com was taken.

Philadelphia Phillies: Michael Young

• Michael is looking forward to leaving Texas and bringing his 80 Class to Philly, where his talent-to-intangibles ratio fits in better with the team, as well as the city.

Pittsburgh Pirates: A.J. Burnett

• A.J.’s claims he’s going to turn over a new leaf this season and only get 6 new tattoos.

St. Louis Cardinals: Oscar Tavares

• OSCAR WANTS TO SWING BAT FAST.

San Diego Padres: Chase Headley

• Chase Headley is set on proving that he doesn’t need a smaller Petco to terrify you with a wooden stick and his mind.

San Francisco Giants: Angel Pagan

• The Giants’ center fielder will devote most of his time towards finding out whether he is angel, pagan, human, or dancer.

Seattle Mariners: John Jaso

• After being traded for a rapist, John’s goal is to be traded to a more offensive friendly ballpark, for someone without a criminal record.

Tampa Bay Rays: David Price

• Price wants to find his dog, Astro, a significant other. Price’s dog is excited to be the second best Astro in Major League Baseball.

Texas Rangers: Ron Washington

• Ron’s resolution is a two-pronged plan. He is either going to personally bring Michael Young back to Arlington or he is going to trade himself to the Philies for the ghost of Juan Pierre and a cheesesteak.

The The Angels Angels of Anaheim: CJ Wilson

• This year CJ promised himself he would just chill out and relax.

Toronto Blue Jays: Emilio Bonifacio

• Emilio just wants you to remember that he exists.

Washington Nationals: Jayson Werth

• Jayson swore that he would try his best to evacuate the letter “Y” from his first name.