While there are a seemingly unlimited number of ways to experience the game of baseball through social media from the comfort of your own home, there are a few things that you can only truly get by attending a game. One of these, is the walk-up music chosen by the players of the home team. I’ve recently been exposed to the fact that many of the walk-up songs for specific players are available online on each team’s respective site. This is fantastic news for those of us who aren’t so lucky as to visit every MLB park and hear each player’s music. Here at CFB I’m gonna take a look at some of the highlights of this rather awful collection of music that MLB players have decided represent them/pump them up/introduce them best.

(You can find the collection of music by going to a team’s website and looking under the “FANS” tab for a section called “Ballpark Music” or something similar to it.)

Chicago Cubs:

Unlike some of the teams that don’t even bother to put their music up at all, the Cubs have decided to list these three players and these three players only. Two of them are recent acquisitions. Anthony Recker was recently designated for assignment and was claimed by the Mets. I understand the Cubs want to keep their century long traditions and old-time feel for both their ballpark and their team, but Theo should probably get this shit together so we can know once and for all what Luis Valbuena‘s walk-up music is.

Cincinnati Reds:

The name Todd Frazier alone sounds like some guy from Sinatra’s time, but the fact that he needed two different Sinatra songs, both of which include flying in it, has to make me question how old he really is and if he is actually from this time period. You also have to wonder what percentage of his teammates have even heard of Mr. Sinatra. For example,

How in the world Manny Burriss earned himself four different walk-up songs, I have no clue. But it’s the reality, and I love it. Favorite Burriss stat: He hasn’t hit a ball over an outfielder’s head in the majors since May 2009. Couldn’t possibly make that up.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes and yes. Duh.

Milwaukee Brewers:

I’m gonna assume this is the first song Aoki heard in the Milwaukee airport when he arrived from Japan in early 2012. This is unfortunate, as Aoki seems like the type to choose something a bit weirder. On the other hand, “Right Round” could be referring to Aoki after this swing.

Chalk another one up in the “well duh” category. It’s such an innocent yet quietly tortured face… “There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door/ I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”… aw Tom Gorzelenny :(

This is the Theme From “Saw”. Fiers clearly does not care at all for the young children just wanting to attend a nice baseball game with their ol’ man or come to see Ryan Braun play. He wants to Scare The Shit Out Of You. And then he throws his fastball at 87 MPH and all fear instilled by this haunting music is flushed right down the toilet. Nice try, Michael Fiers. It takes more than out-of-place music from horror movies to intimidate batters.

Pittsburgh Pirates:

I’m like 74% sure that all three of these songs, which are strangely listed without an artist, are just some not-so-elaborate attempt to promote Harrison’s secret side life as an aspiring rapper. I’m assuming this is because he realized he has close to no shot to start on this team any time soon. I respect it.

This was Bubba Sparxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx’s first hit song before dropping to the lyrical standards of “booty booty booty booty”. I’m not entirely sure what this says about Gaby Sanchez’ taste in music, other than that he probably just wants you to know he likes Bubba Sparxxx for something other than Ms. New Booty. Sounds like insecurity to me.

Brief scouting report from when Snider was a nineTEEN year old in Low-A. “Snider is one of the top hitting prospects in baseball. He has a very patient approach, plus power to all fields, and hits lefties and righties with equal effectiveness–projecting for legitimate MVP-level numbers down the road. He’s a hard worker with great makeup who has survived personal adversity and appreciates where he is.” All of the sadface :(

St. Louis Cardinals:

You Better Believe It, This Is The Life that Adron Chambers always dreamed of. Perennial fifth outfielder in probably the best organization in baseball. Enjoy it, Adron Chambers. His name sounds like a place someone would put toxic materials. “This looks awfully dangerous Professor…” “There’s only one safe place we can put that substance…in the Adron Chambers.”

Jason Motte actually eats Brain Stew every morning when he’s done digesting his Fibula Soup. Seriously.

I like to think I know a lot of players…but I’m pretty sure this average mid-western guy just showed up at Cardinals photo day and lied to the right people. Here is the first verse of “Got My Country On”, to help prove my theory:

“I worked all week to make me some money,
Bring it back to mama bet she’d give me some honey, yeah
Cashed my check got a pocket of dollars
Loosenin’ the buttons on my blue-collar, yeah.”

Yeah. No way this guy is a professional baseball player.