What’s C.C. Sabathia Doing In Such Fancy Garb?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dean Hard Spin
2. RF Jason Worth
3. LF Bries Sharper
4. 3B Rains Him Or Man
5. 1B Aid Him Lare Osh
6. SS E.N. Ez Mon
7. 2B Dan E. Spinoza
8. C Curts Hues Yuki

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Steve And Straws Brrrr
2. Joe Gun Souls
3. Chore Dance Hummer Man
4. Danaran
5. Rocks Debt Wilder

CLOSER: Raft I.L. Sorry Ann O

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OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Oh hey, Denard Span.

Wait, holy crap, this team’s good.

The Phillies are sad.

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INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Danny Espinosa

• Aside from looking like Fat Drake, Espinosa spends most of his time swinging and consequentially missing at baseballs. You just wish someone would let him know that while the bench does provide the most amenities available, he is indeed paid to get to first, second, third base, etc. 

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State of the Farm:

Professor Parks put it best in this tweet. The injury risks are plentiful and worrisome. But the talent is there, with third baseman Anthony Rendon and his Rice University education leading this crop. Rendon is another rare prospect with a plus-plus projection on his hit tool, but his ankle as about as fragile as Chris Sale doing anything ever. Born in 1994, right-hander Lucas Giolito was the top talent headed into the 2013 draft before getting injured late in his senior season. He got the Tommy John outta the way towards the end of last season, and should return for the 2014 season. He touched triple digits regularly before the injury, and ZOMG HIS CURVEBALL. Brian Goodwin is an intriguing outfielder and right-hander Nathan Karns, despite this facial hair and already being 26, has a potent fastball/curveball combo that should reach the big leagues this year. And oh by the way, that Bryce Harper dude is significantly younger than everyone in Washington’s Top 10 besides Giolito. So there’s that.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Inocencio Heredia
• C Austin Chubb
• C Spencer Kieboom
• DH Yermin Mercedes
• 3B Khayyan Norfork
• 3B Younaifred Aguero
• 3B Diomedes Eusebio
• OF Will Piwnica-Worms
• OF Algenis Ramirez
• OF Armando Echenique

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

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Predictions:

• Denard Span tests positive for an banned #natitude performance enhancer and is suspended for 3 weeks.
• Jayson Werth’s title as most homeless-looking National is challenged by Rabbi Harper.
• Fan attendance drops after the new Racing President, Taft, dies in June from diabetes.
• The Nats win a lot of baseball games, the NL East, and a seat in congress.