The Cespedes Family Barbecue 2013 Season Previews

Yes, we’re already two weeks into the season.

But we’re lazy/busy high school teenagers that are working with a seven hour time difference soooooooooooooooooooo

Here, in all their glory, are the team by team previews for the 2013 season. They include haikus, CFB names, .gifs, puns, and horrible, horrible jokes. We hope you enjoy.

Click on the team name to see the preview (duh).

AL EAST

Baltimore Orioles

Boston Red Sox

New York Yankees

Tampa Bay Rays

Toronto Blue Jays

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox

Cleveland Indians

Detroit Tigers

Kansas City Royals

Minnesota Twins

AL WEST

Houston Astros

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Oakland Athletics

Seattle Mariners

Texas Rangers

NL EAST

Atlanta Braves

Miami Marlins

New York Mets

Philadelphia Phillies

Washington Nationals

NL CENTRAL

Chicago Cubs

Cincinnati Reds

Milwaukee Brewers

Pittsburgh Pirates

St. Louis Cardinals

NL WEST

Arizona Diamondbacks

Colorado Rockies

Los Angeles Dodgers

San Diego Padres

San Francisco Giants

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2013 Season Preview: San Francisco Giants

World Champion

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Angle Paid Gun
  2. 2B Mark O’Scooter O
  3. 3B Bobble O’Sandle Vault
  4. C Bust Herpo See
  5. RF Hunt Her Pants
  6. 1B Brain Down Bell
  7. LF Greg Or Blank O
  8. SS Brain Donk Raw Fjord

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Mack Ain
  2. Tim Hull Ince Ink Em
  3. Medicine Butt Gardner
  4. Berries E. Toe
  5. Rainbow Gull Song

CLOSER: Surge E. O’Romo

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Welcome back, Angel.

They signed Buster forever.

Lincecum is bald.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Hunter Pence

  • Oh man, where to begin…

okay okay enough I am really not feeling so well now

***

State of the Farm:

They traded away future ace Zack Wheeler for half a season of Carlos Beltran, so there isn’t much if any premium talent left in this system. Kyle Crick is the one pitcher that projects anything more than a number 3 starter. He’s a righty with a heavy fastball that sits in the 93-95 range with plus late life on the pitch. His main secondary pitch, a power curveball, is effective against both right handed hitters and left handed hitters. He throws a cutter in the low 90’s that has proved to be an out pitch as well. It’d be nice if he developed a change-up to slow hitters down, but for now he’s a heavy arsenal with a lot of work to do. Center fielder Gary Brown used to be a can’t-miss prospect who was gonna steal 50 bases a year and play Gold Glove defense at a premium position. But now, there are serious questions as to whether he can hit enough to even make it to the big leagues. Heath Hembree throws crazy hard and will probably be the closer in San Fran once Sergio Romo is done being awesome.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • LHP Diomedes Mateo
  • LHP Adalberto Mejia
  • C Kleiber Rivas
  • 3B Royel Astacio
  • 3B Hengerber Medina
  • SS Rando Moreno
  • SS Travious Relaford
  • SS Ehire Adrianza
  • SS Ydwin Villegas
  • OF Michael Mergenthaler
  • OF Skyler Stromsmoe

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Kyle Crick’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

  • Tim Lincecum’s car begins to break down as well and is forced to move to the bullpen.
  • Pablo Sandoval wins The Biggest Loser.
  • The Giants don’t win the World Series, but San Francisco throws a parade anyway for shits and giggles.

2013 Season Preview: Texas Rangers

Jurickson Profar is a child.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. 2B Inking Slur
  2. SS L. This And Ruse
  3. DH Lance Berkman
  4. 3B Aid Rain Beltway
  5. RF N.L. Sun Cruise
  6. LF Dave ID Mer Pee
  7. C Hey Jay Persons Key
  8. 1B Mitt Chum Oral And
  9. CF Lion Smart Teen

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Matter Is On
  2. You Da Fish
  3. There I Call Land
  4. Alex, Oh Ghandi!
  5. Nicked Happish 

CLOSER: Joan Ay Than

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Missed out on Greinke.

Yu better be really good.

Where does Profar play?

***

Innards

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Yu Darvish

  • He’s completely ridiculous. He has 7 different pitches (at least), most of which are plus to plus-plus in terms of movement and velocity. The command was improving towards the end of last year and if he can lower the walk rate, he has chance to be oh my god can we just get to the .gifs already yes please here we go

drool

***

State of the Farm:

So so so so so much to love here. This is a system full of sky high ceilings and risk levels in the DEFCON 1 range. But before we get to the bonus babies, let’s maybe start with that guy named Jurickson. Jurickson Profar is the best prospect in baseball. He is a shortstop. He switch-hits. His baseball instincts are unmatched by any human born in the 1990’s and oh by the way, his first major league at bat resulted in a home run. We love him, everyone loves him, the Rangers love him. The only thing in this world that doesn’t love him is Elvis Andrus’ defensive prowess. And that isn’t exactly on purpose. Andrus will be at shortstop for the foreseeable future, but Profar will find a place to play by the time summer rolls around. MIKE OLT is a fantastic third baseman with plus power and a questionable hit tool but oh wait, he’s also blocked by some dude named Adrian Beltre. Let’s get to the fun ones. #TheLegend, known by many as Jorge Alfaro is a superfreak athletic catcher with an elite arm, ridiculous raw power and seemingly unlimited potential. He has somewhat of a disastrous approach at the plate and doesn’t walk at all, but he’s a 19 year old in Low-A ball, and will take time to refine. Joey Gallo is another barely legal monstrous human being. A third baseman who slugged .700 over 43 games in the rookie level Arizona League, Gallo offers true top of the scale power that is unmatched by anyone in the minors. Nomar Mazara and Ronald Guzman signed for a combined $8.5 million dollars and combine to be 35 years old. They’re stupid young. Mazara is a 6″4 SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD right fielder with prodigious power potential from the left side and hopefully enough hit tool to make it work. Guzman is 6″5 EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD first baseman with a hit tool that already projects to be plus-plus. Jake and I are 17 and 18, respectively. And we just sit around and make stupid .gifs and come up with nicknames like On The Balls Hand Cheese. Perspective hurts. *sigh*

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Jeily Arias
  • RHP Wilmer Font
  • RHP Tyler Tufts
  • RHP Lisalverto Bonilla
  • LHP Gabriel Larrazabal
  • LHP Nerfy Nunez
  • LHP Gionny Fracchiolla
  • LHP Austen Thrailkill
  • LHP Ryne Slack
  • 2B Belarmino Campos
  • 2B Rougned Odor
  • 2B Yangervis Solarte
  • 3B Smerling Lantigua
  • SS Crisford Adames
  • SS Jurickson Profar
  • SS Odubel Herrera
  • OF Teodoro Martinez

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Jurickson Profar in the 2005 Little League World Series

BONUS PROFAR FIRST AT BAT .GIF

***

Predictions:

  • Jurickson Profar is one of the first 1,000 kids at a Rangers game in July; receives Adrian Beltre bobblehead.
  • Yu Darvish strikes out 250 batters and 120 Astros.
  • Derek Holland is arrested for probable cause.

2013 Season Preview: Oakland Athletics

Your 2012 AL West Champions.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Cocoa Crypts
  2. SS Shed Loudly
  3. RF Jaws Reddit
  4. LF Yawns Says Pettite’s
  5. 1B Bread Hand Mouse
  6. DH Says Myth
  7. 3B Joshed On Al’s Son
  8. C Tron Tray So
  9. 2B Hurk’s Hoe Guard

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Bread Hand Herse On
  2. Charred Parkour
  3. Tom Alone
  4. Hey Jake Riffing
  5. Dans Daily

CLOSER: Granite Barf Whore

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Jaso and Lowrie.

Not much else but they still have

Big Fat Bartolo!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Yoenis Cespedes

  • If you are a casual baseball fan reading this, I’m sure you are wondering: What is a Cespedes? Well watch this video. And just make sure you get and or skip to the 19:33 mark. Yes, that is a major league baseball player roasting an entire pig on a spit. Is there anything better in this world than that? Not only can the dude cook, but he can play. And not only can he play baseball, he can play a mean trombone. And he’s the reason CFB exists soooooooooooooooo <3

***

State of the Farm:

Oakland has made a bunch of trades the past few years to replenish the system, most notably the one that shipped Gio Gonzalez to Washington. But their most intriguing talent is a shortstop with two first/last names a whole lot of potential. Addison Russell somehow fell to #11 in the 2012 draft, and Oakland happily scooped him up. Russell is a true five tool player that reached Low-A as an 18 year old in his first season of pro ball. He projects to have plus power and a plus hit tool, with a well above average glove at the most valuable non-catcher defensive position on the diamond. Russell has a real shot to be the number one prospect in all of baseball next season, and his upcoming season in the California League will be monitored heavily. Outfielder Michael Choice could hit 30 home runs in the big leagues if he can get the hit tool to play, but it’s a limited defensive profile and not a lot else to dream on. Right-hander Nolan Sanburn, a 2nd round pick in the 2012 draft, produces big time velocity from a small frame to go along with a fantastic curveball. He might be destined for the bullpen, but he could move quickly. First baseman Miles Head is named Miles Head and he is portly.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Elihoref Suniaga
  • RHP Yonalis Delgadillo
  • RHP Kayvon Bahramzadeh
  • RHP Jensi Peralta
  • LHP A.J. Huttenlocker
  • 1B Maxwell Muncy
  • 2B Rodolfo Penalo
  • 3B B.A. Vollmuth
  • OF Sandber Pimentel
  • OF Jonesy Zarraga

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Nolan Sanburn’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

  • Monkey Balls, the highly anticipated sequel to Moneyball, hits theaters in June. 
  • The A’s hold the first annual Cespedes Cook Out day during which Yoenis roasts a pig on the field during the seventh inning stretch.
  • Grant Balfour finally gets a headache.
  • In a move that shocks the baseball world, the A’s fire GM Billy Beane and hire famed goofball Mr. Bean to run the show.

2013 Season Preview: Milwaukee Brewers

The addition of Kyle Lohse should increase the likelihood of seeing Bernie Brewer by approximately 0%

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. RF Nor-east Chica Aioli
  2. 2B Rick He Whisks
  3. LF Rain Brown
  4. 3B Arm Is Ram Ears
  5. C John Thin Luke Roy
  6. CF Carl Cosco Mez
  7. 1B Al X. Gun Souls
  8. SS Jeans Egg Hurrah

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Yo Van Nig I Hard Doe
  2. Mark O’Extra Duh
  3. Will He Purr All Da 
  4. Kai Hello’s
  5. My Calf Ires

CLOSER: Joan Sax Floored

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Quiet, besides Lohse.

They brought back Yuniesky.

No, seriously.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Yuniesky Betancourt

It’s simply incredible that this guy keeps getting a job. He’s back again, this time with one of his former clubs. Whenever discussing Yuni, it’s essential to mention his historically hilarious walk totals. In 3,906 career plate appearances over 1030 games, Yuni has walked 131 times. In his age 41 and 42 seasons, over 970 plate appearances, Barry Bonds drew 166 unintentional walks.  This was a ploy to talk about how amazing Barry Bonds was and make Yuni look terrible in the process.

***

State of the Farm:

Second baseman Scooter Gennett is named Scooter and he can hit and he is kind of precious. Clint Coulter is a catcher with plus-plus arm strength and power potential but he can’t really catch, so the pressure on the hit tool to play up is really increased. They’ve got four right-handers that can either be 3-4 starters or frontline bullpen arms in Wily Peralta, Tyler Thornburg, Taylor Jungmann and Johnny Hellweg, with Peralta being the most likely to succeed as starter in the big leagues. Outfielder Victor Roache fell to Milwaukee at pick #28 in the 2012 draft due to a broken wrist, but he possesses huge power potential and hopefully enough hit tool to let it play. He just needs to play.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Damien Magnifico
  • RHP Alejandro Lavandero
  • RHP Tommy Toledo
  • RHP Santo Manzanillo
  • RHP Hiram Burgos
  • 2B Scooter Gennett
  • 3B Sthervin Matos
  • 3B T.J. Mittelstaedt
  • SS Raphachel Colatosti
  • OF Yonki Hernandez
  • OF Dionis Hinojosa
  • OF Chadwin Stang
  • OF Max Walla
  • OF Brock Kjeldgaard

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Scooter Gennett Being Adorable

***

Predictions:

  • Ryan Braun serves a 40 game suspension on an Ark with a shit-ton of animals.
  • Rickie Weeks duets on a track with fellow big-assed superstar Nicki Minaj.
  • John Axford remembers remembers the 5th of November and continues to look like Guy Fawkes.
  • The Brewers don’t win all that many games because their team isn’t very good. This is the kind of analysis you are looking for.

2013 Season Preview: Minnesota Twins

Twins That Are Probably Not From Minnesota

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Air In Nicks
  2. 2B Brained O’Dure
  3. C Chome Hour
  4. LF God Willing Ham
  5. 1B Just Tin Morn Hoe
  6. RF Crisp Harm Molly
  7. DH Rained Omit
  8. 3B Trev Herp Luffa
  9. SS Paid Rough Lorry Man

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Van Swirly 
  2. Craving Whore Aya
  3. My Kelp Free
  4. Lame Hen Dicks
  5. Cold E. Fries

CLOSER: Clen Perpins

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

So long Span, Revere.

There ain’t much left around here.

Vance is now their ace :(

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Joe Mauer

Not sure this takes very much explaining. The guy is one of the few players in the world with a true 80 grade hit tool, and he can catch. And he has ALL the money. Last season, he produced one of the most incredible at-bats I’ve ever seen against Reds closer Aroldis Chapman. The sequence was as follows:

mauer at bat

Also, this happened:

And of course…

***

State of the Farm:

While the major league talent is about as bleak as it gets, the Twins have built a fantastic farm over the past few fears. Its two potential superstars at the top, third baseman Miguel Sano and center fielder Byron Buxton, both have a chance to be top 5 prospects in all of baseball by the end of this season. Sano has arguably the best raw power in the minor leagues, and has already shown it in games. He hit a ridiculous 28 bombs as a 19 year old in Low-A ball last year, and will look to continue mashing at High-A Fort Myers in 2013. He’s a big dude with a big arm, so chances are he ends up in right field. But the bat is going to play anywhere. Buxton is a superfreak athlete with the most drool-worthy scouting report from BP this past off-season. “The Tools: All of them; 8 run; 7+ arm; 6+ raw power; 6+ hit (potential)”. Need we say more? It’s raw as can be, but Buxton has the chance to be plus to plus-plus in every aspect of his game and he’s already a near elite defender in center field. It could take a while, but a guy like this is worth the wait. Oswaldo Arcia is a corner outfielder who has a simple but fairly rare plus hit/plus power profile and has crushed it at every level of the minors. The two arms to watch are right-handers Kyle Gibson and 18 year old 2011 draft pick Jose Berrios. Gibson had Tommy John and has returned to the mound with his two plus secondary pitches (slider and change-up) and his fastball is slowly returning to its pre-surgery 90-94 range. Berrios is an extremely advanced teenager with very clean mechanics but not the ideal size of a workhorse number three starter. He’s only 6″0, and will need to prove that his stuff is enough to dominate at each level.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Leonel Zazueta
  • RHP Ezequiel Zarzuela
  • RHP Anthony Slama
  • C Josmil Pinto
  • 2B Candido Pimentel
  • 3B Deibinson Romero
  • SS Engelb Vielma
  • SS Jonaton Ynojoso
  • OF Jeremias Pineda
  • OF JaDamion Williams

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Byron Buxton Legs Out an Infield Hit

***

Predictions:

  • The Twins continue to trade away their entire outfield. They deal Aaron Hicks, Kirby Puckett, and the Center Field fence to the Marlins for weather.
  • The rotation falls apart and the Twins are forced to sign a 5529 year old Jamie Moyer because hey, he can throw strikes.
  • Attendance rises at Target Field as Minnesotans agree that there really isn’t anything better to do.

2013 Season Preview: Houston Astros

tigers 2003

The Astros’ main competition for this season.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. 2B Oh Say Hall Tube Ay
  2. 1B Bread Twatless
  3. DH Carl Aspen Yeah
  4. LF Risk Harder
  5. CF Fern And Mart In Ass
  6. RF Jizz Tin Mask Swell
  7. C A Sunk Astro
  8. SS Rodney Sid and Yo
  9. 3B Madam Ink Guest

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Bod Norse
  2. Luke Ashare Hell
  3. Flip Plumber
  4. Brad P. Cock
  5. Urk Bed Hard

CLOSER: Hoes Hay Fairs

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Preparing to lose.

Jose can’t do everything.

Or can he? He’s short.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Jose Altuve

  • Many a word has been said about the Astros’ 5″5 second baseman. He’s short. He’s cute. He does it all. He slugged .606 in the California League.  In the end, he’s not going to be a Hall of Famer, but who cares. The guy hits and did we mention he’s so cute? I’m sorry like ZOMG ZOMG. <3 *cut to obligatory montage of Altuve being adorable*

***

State of the Farm:

After years of being the undeniably worst system in baseball, GM Jeff Luhnow and his new crew of awesomeness have come to Houston to rebuild this mess. Their 2012 draft was a masterful allocation of money within the new ridiculously strict CBA; they went under slot with the #1 overall pick and took shortstop Carlos Correa, a projectable Puerto Rican with insane raw power and the athleticism and glove to stick at short, at least until he grows out of it. They scooped up top 10 talent Lance McCullers Jr. in the second round. He throws 100 with a nasty curveball and if starting doesn’t work out, he could be a dominant closer. Jonathan Singleton may have been busted for a little pot, but a 50 game suspension will only delay his march towards the majors. He’s the best first base prospect in baseball, with a fantastic knack for hitting and easy plus power that should play in games. Rio Ruiz, another product of the 2012 draft, is a third baseman to dream on, with big power potential and the athleticism to stick at third base. Mike Foltynezncznewwzwcwnienwzwwinczincz is ready to take another step forward as a big right-hander with impressive velocity and a solid-average secondary arsenal. It’s a top 5 system, with even more talent that is intriguing but whoa whoa whoa remember this ?!

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Agapito Barrios
  • RHP Krishawn Holley
  • RHP Yonquelys Martinez
  • RHP Rauldison Rodriguez
  • RHP Rayderson Chevalier
  • RHP Jamaine Cotton
  • RHP Euris Quezada
  • LHP Ambiorix De Leon
  • LHP Geronimo Franzua
  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • C M.P. Cokinos
  • C Jobduan Morales
  • 1B Mesac Laguna
  • 2B Yoel Silfa
  • 2B Delino DeShields Jr.
  • SS Chan Moon
  • SS Jiovanni Mier
  • OF Ydarqui Marte
  • OF Teoscar Hernandez
  • OF Telvin Nash

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Lance McCullers Jr.’s Curveball

***

Prediction:

  • The Houston Astros will not win the 2013 World Series.