2013 Season Preview: San Francisco Giants

World Champion

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Angle Paid Gun
  2. 2B Mark O’Scooter O
  3. 3B Bobble O’Sandle Vault
  4. C Bust Herpo See
  5. RF Hunt Her Pants
  6. 1B Brain Down Bell
  7. LF Greg Or Blank O
  8. SS Brain Donk Raw Fjord

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Mack Ain
  2. Tim Hull Ince Ink Em
  3. Medicine Butt Gardner
  4. Berries E. Toe
  5. Rainbow Gull Song

CLOSER: Surge E. O’Romo

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Welcome back, Angel.

They signed Buster forever.

Lincecum is bald.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Hunter Pence

  • Oh man, where to begin…

okay okay enough I am really not feeling so well now

***

State of the Farm:

They traded away future ace Zack Wheeler for half a season of Carlos Beltran, so there isn’t much if any premium talent left in this system. Kyle Crick is the one pitcher that projects anything more than a number 3 starter. He’s a righty with a heavy fastball that sits in the 93-95 range with plus late life on the pitch. His main secondary pitch, a power curveball, is effective against both right handed hitters and left handed hitters. He throws a cutter in the low 90’s that has proved to be an out pitch as well. It’d be nice if he developed a change-up to slow hitters down, but for now he’s a heavy arsenal with a lot of work to do. Center fielder Gary Brown used to be a can’t-miss prospect who was gonna steal 50 bases a year and play Gold Glove defense at a premium position. But now, there are serious questions as to whether he can hit enough to even make it to the big leagues. Heath Hembree throws crazy hard and will probably be the closer in San Fran once Sergio Romo is done being awesome.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • LHP Diomedes Mateo
  • LHP Adalberto Mejia
  • C Kleiber Rivas
  • 3B Royel Astacio
  • 3B Hengerber Medina
  • SS Rando Moreno
  • SS Travious Relaford
  • SS Ehire Adrianza
  • SS Ydwin Villegas
  • OF Michael Mergenthaler
  • OF Skyler Stromsmoe

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Kyle Crick’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

  • Tim Lincecum’s car begins to break down as well and is forced to move to the bullpen.
  • Pablo Sandoval wins The Biggest Loser.
  • The Giants don’t win the World Series, but San Francisco throws a parade anyway for shits and giggles.
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