Jurickson Profar is a child.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. 2B Inking Slur
2. SS L. This And Ruse
3. DH Lance Berkman
4. 3B Aid Rain Beltway
5. RF N.L. Sun Cruise
6. LF Dave ID Mer Pee
7. C Hey Jay Persons Key
8. 1B Mitt Chum Oral And
9. CF Lion Smart Teen

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Matter Is On
2. You Da Fish
3. There I Call Land
4. Alex, Oh Ghandi!
5. Nicked Happish 

CLOSER: Joan Ay Than

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OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Missed out on Greinke.

Yu better be really good.

Where does Profar play?

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Innards

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Yu Darvish

• He’s completely ridiculous. He has 7 different pitches (at least), most of which are plus to plus-plus in terms of movement and velocity. The command was improving towards the end of last year and if he can lower the walk rate, he has chance to be oh my god can we just get to the .gifs already yes please here we go

drool

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State of the Farm:

So so so so so much to love here. This is a system full of sky high ceilings and risk levels in the DEFCON 1 range. But before we get to the bonus babies, let’s maybe start with that guy named Jurickson. Jurickson Profar is the best prospect in baseball. He is a shortstop. He switch-hits. His baseball instincts are unmatched by any human born in the 1990’s and oh by the way, his first major league at bat resulted in a home run. We love him, everyone loves him, the Rangers love him. The only thing in this world that doesn’t love him is Elvis Andrus’ defensive prowess. And that isn’t exactly on purpose. Andrus will be at shortstop for the foreseeable future, but Profar will find a place to play by the time summer rolls around. MIKE OLT is a fantastic third baseman with plus power and a questionable hit tool but oh wait, he’s also blocked by some dude named Adrian Beltre. Let’s get to the fun ones. #TheLegend, known by many as Jorge Alfaro is a superfreak athletic catcher with an elite arm, ridiculous raw power and seemingly unlimited potential. He has somewhat of a disastrous approach at the plate and doesn’t walk at all, but he’s a 19 year old in Low-A ball, and will take time to refine. Joey Gallo is another barely legal monstrous human being. A third baseman who slugged .700 over 43 games in the rookie level Arizona League, Gallo offers true top of the scale power that is unmatched by anyone in the minors. Nomar Mazara and Ronald Guzman signed for a combined $8.5 million dollars and combine to be 35 years old. They’re stupid young. Mazara is a 6″4 SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD right fielder with prodigious power potential from the left side and hopefully enough hit tool to make it work. Guzman is 6″5 EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD first baseman with a hit tool that already projects to be plus-plus. Jake and I are 17 and 18, respectively. And we just sit around and make stupid .gifs and come up with nicknames like On The Balls Hand Cheese. Perspective hurts. *sigh*

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jeily Arias
• RHP Wilmer Font
• RHP Tyler Tufts
• RHP Lisalverto Bonilla
• LHP Gabriel Larrazabal
• LHP Nerfy Nunez
• LHP Gionny Fracchiolla
• LHP Austen Thrailkill
• LHP Ryne Slack
• 2B Belarmino Campos
• 2B Rougned Odor
• 2B Yangervis Solarte
• 3B Smerling Lantigua
• SS Crisford Adames
• SS Jurickson Profar
• SS Odubel Herrera
• OF Teodoro Martinez

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

BONUS PROFAR FIRST AT BAT .GIF

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Predictions:

• Jurickson Profar is one of the first 1,000 kids at a Rangers game in July; receives Adrian Beltre bobblehead.
• Yu Darvish strikes out 250 batters and 120 Astros.
• Derek Holland is arrested for probable cause.