2013 Season Preview: Oakland Athletics

Your 2012 AL West Champions.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Cocoa Crypts
  2. SS Shed Loudly
  3. RF Jaws Reddit
  4. LF Yawns Says Pettite’s
  5. 1B Bread Hand Mouse
  6. DH Says Myth
  7. 3B Joshed On Al’s Son
  8. C Tron Tray So
  9. 2B Hurk’s Hoe Guard

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Bread Hand Herse On
  2. Charred Parkour
  3. Tom Alone
  4. Hey Jake Riffing
  5. Dans Daily

CLOSER: Granite Barf Whore

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Jaso and Lowrie.

Not much else but they still have

Big Fat Bartolo!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Yoenis Cespedes

  • If you are a casual baseball fan reading this, I’m sure you are wondering: What is a Cespedes? Well watch this video. And just make sure you get and or skip to the 19:33 mark. Yes, that is a major league baseball player roasting an entire pig on a spit. Is there anything better in this world than that? Not only can the dude cook, but he can play. And not only can he play baseball, he can play a mean trombone. And he’s the reason CFB exists soooooooooooooooo <3

***

State of the Farm:

Oakland has made a bunch of trades the past few years to replenish the system, most notably the one that shipped Gio Gonzalez to Washington. But their most intriguing talent is a shortstop with two first/last names a whole lot of potential. Addison Russell somehow fell to #11 in the 2012 draft, and Oakland happily scooped him up. Russell is a true five tool player that reached Low-A as an 18 year old in his first season of pro ball. He projects to have plus power and a plus hit tool, with a well above average glove at the most valuable non-catcher defensive position on the diamond. Russell has a real shot to be the number one prospect in all of baseball next season, and his upcoming season in the California League will be monitored heavily. Outfielder Michael Choice could hit 30 home runs in the big leagues if he can get the hit tool to play, but it’s a limited defensive profile and not a lot else to dream on. Right-hander Nolan Sanburn, a 2nd round pick in the 2012 draft, produces big time velocity from a small frame to go along with a fantastic curveball. He might be destined for the bullpen, but he could move quickly. First baseman Miles Head is named Miles Head and he is portly.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Elihoref Suniaga
  • RHP Yonalis Delgadillo
  • RHP Kayvon Bahramzadeh
  • RHP Jensi Peralta
  • LHP A.J. Huttenlocker
  • 1B Maxwell Muncy
  • 2B Rodolfo Penalo
  • 3B B.A. Vollmuth
  • OF Sandber Pimentel
  • OF Jonesy Zarraga

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Nolan Sanburn’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

  • Monkey Balls, the highly anticipated sequel to Moneyball, hits theaters in June. 
  • The A’s hold the first annual Cespedes Cook Out day during which Yoenis roasts a pig on the field during the seventh inning stretch.
  • Grant Balfour finally gets a headache.
  • In a move that shocks the baseball world, the A’s fire GM Billy Beane and hire famed goofball Mr. Bean to run the show.
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