2013 Season Preview: Milwaukee Brewers

The addition of Kyle Lohse should increase the likelihood of seeing Bernie Brewer by approximately 0%

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. RF Nor-east Chica Aioli
  2. 2B Rick He Whisks
  3. LF Rain Brown
  4. 3B Arm Is Ram Ears
  5. C John Thin Luke Roy
  6. CF Carl Cosco Mez
  7. 1B Al X. Gun Souls
  8. SS Jeans Egg Hurrah

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Yo Van Nig I Hard Doe
  2. Mark O’Extra Duh
  3. Will He Purr All Da 
  4. Kai Hello’s
  5. My Calf Ires

CLOSER: Joan Sax Floored

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Quiet, besides Lohse.

They brought back Yuniesky.

No, seriously.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Yuniesky Betancourt

It’s simply incredible that this guy keeps getting a job. He’s back again, this time with one of his former clubs. Whenever discussing Yuni, it’s essential to mention his historically hilarious walk totals. In 3,906 career plate appearances over 1030 games, Yuni has walked 131 times. In his age 41 and 42 seasons, over 970 plate appearances, Barry Bonds drew 166 unintentional walks.  This was a ploy to talk about how amazing Barry Bonds was and make Yuni look terrible in the process.

***

State of the Farm:

Second baseman Scooter Gennett is named Scooter and he can hit and he is kind of precious. Clint Coulter is a catcher with plus-plus arm strength and power potential but he can’t really catch, so the pressure on the hit tool to play up is really increased. They’ve got four right-handers that can either be 3-4 starters or frontline bullpen arms in Wily Peralta, Tyler Thornburg, Taylor Jungmann and Johnny Hellweg, with Peralta being the most likely to succeed as starter in the big leagues. Outfielder Victor Roache fell to Milwaukee at pick #28 in the 2012 draft due to a broken wrist, but he possesses huge power potential and hopefully enough hit tool to let it play. He just needs to play.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Damien Magnifico
  • RHP Alejandro Lavandero
  • RHP Tommy Toledo
  • RHP Santo Manzanillo
  • RHP Hiram Burgos
  • 2B Scooter Gennett
  • 3B Sthervin Matos
  • 3B T.J. Mittelstaedt
  • SS Raphachel Colatosti
  • OF Yonki Hernandez
  • OF Dionis Hinojosa
  • OF Chadwin Stang
  • OF Max Walla
  • OF Brock Kjeldgaard

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Scooter Gennett Being Adorable

***

Predictions:

  • Ryan Braun serves a 40 game suspension on an Ark with a shit-ton of animals.
  • Rickie Weeks duets on a track with fellow big-assed superstar Nicki Minaj.
  • John Axford remembers remembers the 5th of November and continues to look like Guy Fawkes.
  • The Brewers don’t win all that many games because their team isn’t very good. This is the kind of analysis you are looking for.
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One comment on “2013 Season Preview: Milwaukee Brewers

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