Twins That Are Probably Not From Minnesota

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Air In Nicks
2. 2B Brained O’Dure
3. C Chome Hour
4. LF God Willing Ham
5. 1B Just Tin Morn Hoe
6. RF Crisp Harm Molly
7. DH Rained Omit
8. 3B Trev Herp Luffa
9. SS Paid Rough Lorry Man

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Van Swirly 
2. Craving Whore Aya
3. My Kelp Free
4. Lame Hen Dicks
5. Cold E. Fries

CLOSER: Clen Perpins

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

So long Span, Revere.

There ain’t much left around here.

Vance is now their ace :(

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Joe Mauer

Not sure this takes very much explaining. The guy is one of the few players in the world with a true 80 grade hit tool, and he can catch. And he has ALL the money. Last season, he produced one of the most incredible at-bats I’ve ever seen against Reds closer Aroldis Chapman. The sequence was as follows:

Also, this happened:

And of course…

***

State of the Farm:

While the major league talent is about as bleak as it gets, the Twins have built a fantastic farm over the past few fears. Its two potential superstars at the top, third baseman Miguel Sano and center fielder Byron Buxton, both have a chance to be top 5 prospects in all of baseball by the end of this season. Sano has arguably the best raw power in the minor leagues, and has already shown it in games. He hit a ridiculous 28 bombs as a 19 year old in Low-A ball last year, and will look to continue mashing at High-A Fort Myers in 2013. He’s a big dude with a big arm, so chances are he ends up in right field. But the bat is going to play anywhere. Buxton is a superfreak athlete with the most drool-worthy scouting report from BP this past off-season. “The Tools: All of them; 8 run; 7+ arm; 6+ raw power; 6+ hit (potential)”. Need we say more? It’s raw as can be, but Buxton has the chance to be plus to plus-plus in every aspect of his game and he’s already a near elite defender in center field. It could take a while, but a guy like this is worth the wait. Oswaldo Arcia is a corner outfielder who has a simple but fairly rare plus hit/plus power profile and has crushed it at every level of the minors. The two arms to watch are right-handers Kyle Gibson and 18 year old 2011 draft pick Jose Berrios. Gibson had Tommy John and has returned to the mound with his two plus secondary pitches (slider and change-up) and his fastball is slowly returning to its pre-surgery 90-94 range. Berrios is an extremely advanced teenager with very clean mechanics but not the ideal size of a workhorse number three starter. He’s only 6″0, and will need to prove that his stuff is enough to dominate at each level.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Leonel Zazueta
• RHP Ezequiel Zarzuela
• RHP Anthony Slama
• C Josmil Pinto
• 2B Candido Pimentel
• 3B Deibinson Romero
• SS Engelb Vielma
• SS Jonaton Ynojoso
• OF Jeremias Pineda
• OF JaDamion Williams

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

***

Predictions:

• The Twins continue to trade away their entire outfield. They deal Aaron Hicks, Kirby Puckett, and the Center Field fence to the Marlins for weather.
• The rotation falls apart and the Twins are forced to sign a 5529 year old Jamie Moyer because hey, he can throw strikes.
• Attendance rises at Target Field as Minnesotans agree that there really isn’t anything better to do.