2013 Season Preview: Houston Astros

tigers 2003

The Astros’ main competition for this season.


  1. 2B Oh Say Hall Tube Ay
  2. 1B Bread Twatless
  3. DH Carl Aspen Yeah
  4. LF Risk Harder
  5. CF Fern And Mart In Ass
  6. RF Jizz Tin Mask Swell
  7. C A Sunk Astro
  8. SS Rodney Sid and Yo
  9. 3B Madam Ink Guest


  1. Bod Norse
  2. Luke Ashare Hell
  3. Flip Plumber
  4. Brad P. Cock
  5. Urk Bed Hard

CLOSER: Hoes Hay Fairs



Preparing to lose.

Jose can’t do everything.

Or can he? He’s short.



Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Jose Altuve

  • Many a word has been said about the Astros’ 5″5 second baseman. He’s short. He’s cute. He does it all. He slugged .606 in the California League.  In the end, he’s not going to be a Hall of Famer, but who cares. The guy hits and did we mention he’s so cute? I’m sorry like ZOMG ZOMG. <3 *cut to obligatory montage of Altuve being adorable*


State of the Farm:

After years of being the undeniably worst system in baseball, GM Jeff Luhnow and his new crew of awesomeness have come to Houston to rebuild this mess. Their 2012 draft was a masterful allocation of money within the new ridiculously strict CBA; they went under slot with the #1 overall pick and took shortstop Carlos Correa, a projectable Puerto Rican with insane raw power and the athleticism and glove to stick at short, at least until he grows out of it. They scooped up top 10 talent Lance McCullers Jr. in the second round. He throws 100 with a nasty curveball and if starting doesn’t work out, he could be a dominant closer. Jonathan Singleton may have been busted for a little pot, but a 50 game suspension will only delay his march towards the majors. He’s the best first base prospect in baseball, with a fantastic knack for hitting and easy plus power that should play in games. Rio Ruiz, another product of the 2012 draft, is a third baseman to dream on, with big power potential and the athleticism to stick at third base. Mike Foltynezncznewwzwcwnienwzwwinczincz is ready to take another step forward as a big right-hander with impressive velocity and a solid-average secondary arsenal. It’s a top 5 system, with even more talent that is intriguing but whoa whoa whoa remember this ?!

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Agapito Barrios
  • RHP Krishawn Holley
  • RHP Yonquelys Martinez
  • RHP Rauldison Rodriguez
  • RHP Rayderson Chevalier
  • RHP Jamaine Cotton
  • RHP Euris Quezada
  • LHP Ambiorix De Leon
  • LHP Geronimo Franzua
  • LHP Pat Urckfitz
  • C M.P. Cokinos
  • C Jobduan Morales
  • 1B Mesac Laguna
  • 2B Yoel Silfa
  • 2B Delino DeShields Jr.
  • SS Chan Moon
  • SS Jiovanni Mier
  • OF Ydarqui Marte
  • OF Teoscar Hernandez
  • OF Telvin Nash

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Lance McCullers Jr.’s Curveball



  • The Houston Astros will not win the 2013 World Series.

One comment on “2013 Season Preview: Houston Astros

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