2013 Season Preview: Philadelphia PhiLOLies

Now That’s A Concerning Skin Disease

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. SS Jim Ear LOLings
  2. 2B Jay Shut Lee
  3. 3B My Keel Yang
  4. 1B Rain Hard
  5. LF Lance Knicks
  6. RF Damn Nick Brown
  7. CF Bend Ravier
  8. C Erk Rats

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Cold Am Hells
  2. Royal Day
  3. Clip Flea
  4. Kai Elk Hen Dick
  5. Tron Landon

CLOSER: Joe Nathan Pap L. Bone

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Michael and Delmon.

Young at heart; suck at baseball.

They got Revere, though.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Delmon Young

  • Remember Wario from Mario Kart? He’s like a white Delmon. What else… Delmon hates jews and is bad at throwing. I’m planning on taking his rookie card to the Western Wall. It’s not that we’re sad Delmon the person isn’t a very good person; it’s that Delmon the once uber prospect is one of the worst players in baseball. In his (Devil) Rays Top Ten list for 2007, Kevin Goldstein had this to say about Delmon’s future: “Pure hitting skills that are unparalleled in the minor leagues. Ultra-fast bat, plenty of raw strength and enormous plate coverage allow for projections of a .300+ average with 25-35 home runs annually. Not just a one-dimensional talent, Young is a tick-above-average runner and an excellent base stealer, as well as a good outfielder with an outstanding arm.” After 3575 career plate appearances, Delmon Young has been worth -0.3 WAR. Ugh. So awful.

***

State of the Farm: 

It’s a very odd system, having traded an absolute TON (Travis d’Arnaud, Kyle Drabek, Jarred Cosart, Jonathan Singleton and Domingo Santana) to get guys like Hunter Pence and Roy Halladay. But they’re not totally empty. They’ve got the closest thing to Billy Hamilton in shortstop Roman Quinn (even if he looks 14 years old in the picture above). He’s unlikely to stick at short, but the bat should play somewhere when he’s stealing 60+ bags a year. Carlos Tocci is a lanky outfielder to dream on mostly because holy crap he was born in August of 1995. Jesse Biddle is probably the top player in this system; he’s a lefty with a deep arsenal and 80 grade eyebrows. It’s not awful, but nothing to write home about. Just a bunch of future role 5 players.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Yacksel Rios
  • RHP Jesen Dygestile-Therrien
  • RHP Ranfi Casimiro
  • RHP Seranthony Dominguez
  • RHP Masilis Valera
  • RHP Ulises Joaquin
  • LHP Ranger Suarez
  • C Hiomarvic Colmenarez
  • C Bob Stumpo
  • 2B Alejandro Villalobos
  • SS Malquin Canelo
  • OF Jiandido Tromp

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Brody Colvin’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

  • Ryan Howard’s contract literally eats Ryan Howard.
  • Roy Halladay finally gets his PHD and becomes an actual doc after his decrease in fastball velocity leads to a necessary career change.
  • Delmon and Michael discover they’re actually related; move in together; become even worse.
  • The PhiLOLies get a year older and a year closer to destruction, as they end up in third as the soggy meat patty in the NL East sandwich.
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One comment on “2013 Season Preview: Philadelphia PhiLOLies

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