2013 Season Preview: Arizona Diamondbacks

“Is this the Krusty Krab?”

corbin

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Add Meat On
  2. 3B Mort In Prada
  3. 2B: Arrow Nil
  4. C Me Delmon Taro
  5. 1B Ball Goal Shit
  6. RF Jay Honk U. Bell
  7. LF Code Ear Oz
  8. SS Crypt Pen Nine Ton

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. E. And Ken A.D.
  2. Bend Hand My Car Tee
  3. Tremor Kale
  4. Way Deem I. Lee
  5. Pat-Ricker Bin

CLOSER: Gay Jape Puts

***

grit christmas

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Weirdest off-season.

Dumped Bauer for Didi. Sad.

What is Kevin Towers ?!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee:  Cliff Pennington

  • There’s nothing truly special about Cliff Pennington. He’s not a great hitter. He’s not an elite defender. He’s not a particularly valuable player at all, really. But boy does he look wholesome in this one particular photo. And at the end of the day, isn’t it all about the kids? 

***

State of the Farm:

This is a fun one. Even though they traded Trevor Bauer away and barely got anything prospect wise for Justin Upton, this crop still has some very exciting young talent. Tyler Skaggs is arguably the best LHP prospect in the game today, and should spend the majority of the 2013 season in Arizona’s rotation, armed with an above average fastball and one of the better curveballs in the minor leagues. Right behind him is Archie Bradley, a prototypical power right hander who sits in the mid 90’s and has a ridiculous breaking ball that will be shown below in .gif form. He had some command problems in his first full year of pro ball, but is primed to take a huge step forward in 2013 and could easily by a consensus Top 20 prospect by season’s end. Arizona took athletic catcher Stryker Trahan in the first round of the 2012 draft. Besides being named Stryker, he has some of the better raw power in the minors, and a chance to stick behind the plate. Did we mention his name is Stryker? Andrew Chafin is an intriguing lefty, with a potent fastball/slider combo that will probably end up in the bullpen. But the true gems of this system are found at the lowest levels…

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Yoimer Camacho
  • RHP Virgilio Encarnacion
  • RHP Geordy Parra
  • RHP Kable Hogben
  • RHP Diogenes Rosario
  • RHP Zeke Spruill
  • LHP Anfernee Benitez
  • DH Yogey Perez-Ramos
  • C Stryker Trahan
  • C Raywilly Gomez
  • C Tyson Van Winkle
  • C Roidany Aguila
  • C Tuffy Gosewisch
  • 1B Phildrick Llewellyn
  • SS Didi Gregorius
  • OF Socrates Brito
  • OF Breland Almadova
  • OF Yeisson Rosario

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Archie Bradley’s Curveball

BONUS .GIF

Archie Bradley’s Accidental Cutter ?!

***

Prediction:

  • To compliment his overload of #grit, Kevin Towers trades Trevor Cahill for #grout to repair his bathtub.
  • Arizona plays in the Civil Rights game and temporarily changes its name to the Diamondblacks.
  • Paul Goldschmidt converts to Judaism after getting fed up answering to when asked if he’s Jewish.
  • The Diamondbacks win baseball games, but not enough baseball games to be permitted to play baseball games in October.
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