2013 Season Preview: Toronto Blue Jays

The Toronto Blue Jays

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. SS Hose A. Race
  2. LF Milky Cobra
  3. RF Hose A. Barista
  4. DH Ed Wind In Car Nausea Own
  5. CF Cold Beer Has Musk
  6. 1B A Damn Lint
  7. C Jay Pee Aaron CBA
  8. 2B A Mealy Hoe Bong A Fabio
  9. 3B Mace Her It Hurts

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Raid Hickey
  2. Brain Down Tomorrow
  3. Narc Burly
  4. Charsh Garnsharn
  5. J. Ap

CLOSER: K.C. Chancing

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, this is the year.

They are now mostly Marlins.

Let’s see if it works.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: R.A. Dickey

  • Robert Allen Dickey is just a good dude with a good pitch. Last year his knuckleball devastated the National League and he waltzed in his sandals all the way to a Cy Young Award. Whether or not the pitch is sustainable remains to be seen, but one thing is for sure: she wants the Dickey. And by Dickey, we mean this pitch:

***

State of the Farm:

Understandably, they shipped off nearly all of their top prospects to acquire the insane amount of major league talent from the Mets and the Marlins. However, they held onto Aaron Sanchez, and he could be pretty special. Sanchez is a power arm that sits in the mid 90’s and has two developing off-speed pitches (change-up and curveball) that could end up as above average as well. He’s the one guy they refused to give away, and they expect big things from him this year. Lefty Sean Nolin and his deep arsenal of solid-average pitches should be ready soon. Marcus Stroman is barely 5′”9, but he’s got a disgusting arsenal that includes a cutter in the low 90’s. He’s suspended for 50 games because The Major League Baseball Drug Policy Is Ridiculous, but could easily find a place in the Jays’ bullpen before the end of the season. Matt Smoral might look like Stinky Peterson from “Hey Arnold!”, but he’s an extremely young and projectable left-hander with an already devastating slider. And oh yeah, they have a bajillion 16 year olds in the rookie levels with huge ceilings and good grades in Algebra 2.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Yeyfry Del Rosario
  • RHP Trystan Magnuson
  • RHP Chorye Spoone
  • LHP Zakery Wasilewski
  • 1B Balbino Fuenmayor
  • 2B Ronniel Demorizi
  • 2B Jason Leblebijian
  • 3B Deiferson Barreto
  • SS Amadeo Zazueta

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Marcus Stroman’s Slider

***

Predictions:

  • The Blue Jays play the Marlins and everyone gets really emotional.
  • Brett Lawrie films his own version of Project X in which he throws a huge party in the Rogers Centre while the team is out of town.
  • The Blue Jays can’t live up to the Miami Heat level hype and finish 3rd in a division stacked more than a double stacked, Double Stuf Oreo.
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