The 2013 Miami Marlins

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF One Pear
2. 3B Flaccid Dope Lank Hoe
3. RF Shun Carl O’Tan Tin
4. C Raw Brand Lee
5. CF Jizz Tin Rue G. On Oh
6. 2B Don O’Vansal Ono
7. 1B K.C. Couch Man
8. SS A Tiny Hedge Afaria

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Rick E. Knoll Asshole
2. Way Deal Blank
3. Hen Derps On All Varies
4. Cave In Slowly
5. Hose A. Fern And His

CLOSER: Sleeve She Shake

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OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Well, they did it again.

We all hate Jeff Loria.

Sorry, Giancarlo.

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INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Giancarlo Stanton

• If Zeus had played baseball, he would have looked like Giancarlo Stanton. Thighs like redwoods, arms like thighs, and a head the size of a watermelon, Stanton is built to mash your balls. He has done mythological things to regular peons like Jamie Moyer and all the Rockies. He’s got quite possibly the best raw power of all time, and he is the precious unicorn that every organization wishes they had.

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State of the Farm:

Right-handed pitcher Jose Fernandez, armed with his plus-plus fastball and Cuban refugee status, could very easily be the top pitching prospect in all of baseball this time next season. Oh wait, the Marlins called him up for absolutely no reason. Outfielder Christian Yelich is awkward and wiry, but he boasts one of the few plus-plus hit tools in the minors, and should join the newly acquired Jake Marisnick in the cavernous outfield of Marlins BLOLpark soon enough. As a shortstop in high school, athletic catcher Jacob Realmuto demoralized his opponents, batting .595 with ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN RUNS BATTED IN as a senior. They also have an outfielder named Jesus Solorzano. So there’s that. This system, as expected, got much better after fire sale #193, but it still lacks any real depth after the top two studs in Fernandez and Yelich.  It’s meh. But again, Jesus Solorzano.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Jorgan Cavenario
• RHP Arquimedes Caminero
• RHP Rigoberto Santamaria
• RHP Yeims Mendoza
• RHP Jheyson Manzueta
• RHP Yonqueli Perez
• 1B Viosergy Rosa
• 3B Tug Hulett
• SS Rehiner Cordova
• OF Wildert Pujols
• OF Jesus Solorzano

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

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Predictions:

• Jeffrey Loria trades LeBron James and Dwyane Wade to the Phillies to save cap room.
• The Marlins add three more colors to their uniforms and are briefly mistaken for a gay pride parade.
• While yawning during one of the Marlins’ many losses, Giancarlo Stanton accidentally inhales the entire home run sculpture in left center field.
• The Marlins suck a duck and finish dead last in the National League.