2013 Season Preview: Miami Giancarlos

The 2013 Miami Marlins


  1. LF One Pear
  2. 3B Flaccid Dope Lank Hoe
  3. RF Shun Carl O’Tan Tin
  4. C Raw Brand Lee
  5. CF Jizz Tin Rue G. On Oh
  6. 2B Don O’Vansal Ono
  7. 1B K.C. Couch Man
  8. SS A Tiny Hedge Afaria


  1. Rick E. Knoll Asshole
  2. Way Deal Blank
  3. Hen Derps On All Varies
  4. Cave In Slowly
  5. Hose A. Fern And His

CLOSER: Sleeve She Shake



Well, they did it again.

We all hate Jeff Loria.

Sorry, Giancarlo.



Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Giancarlo Stanton


State of the Farm:

Right-handed pitcher Jose Fernandez, armed with his plus-plus fastball and Cuban refugee status, could very easily be the top pitching prospect in all of baseball this time next season. Oh wait, the Marlins called him up for absolutely no reason. Outfielder Christian Yelich is awkward and wiry, but he boasts one of the few plus-plus hit tools in the minors, and should join the newly acquired Jake Marisnick in the cavernous outfield of Marlins BLOLpark soon enough. As a shortstop in high school, athletic catcher Jacob Realmuto demoralized his opponents, batting .595 with ONE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN RUNS BATTED IN as a senior. They also have an outfielder named Jesus Solorzano. So there’s that. This system, as expected, got much better after fire sale #193, but it still lacks any real depth after the top two studs in Fernandez and Yelich.  It’s meh. But again, Jesus Solorzano.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Jorgan Cavenario
  • RHP Arquimedes Caminero
  • RHP Rigoberto Santamaria
  • RHP Yeims Mendoza
  • RHP Jheyson Manzueta
  • RHP Yonqueli Perez
  • 1B Viosergy Rosa
  • 3B Tug Hulett
  • SS Rehiner Cordova
  • OF Wildert Pujols
  • OF Jesus Solorzano

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Christian Yelich’s Swing



  • Jeffrey Loria trades LeBron James and Dwyane Wade to the Phillies to save cap room.
  • The Marlins add three more colors to their uniforms and are briefly mistaken for a gay pride parade.
  • While yawning during one of the Marlins’ many losses, Giancarlo Stanton accidentally inhales the entire home run sculpture in left center field.
  • The Marlins suck a duck and finish dead last in the National League.

2 comments on “2013 Season Preview: Miami Giancarlos

  1. […] Giancarlo Stanton is the only thing left worth watching on the dumpster fire that is the Miami Marlins. He has arguably the best raw power in the history […]

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