2013 Season Preview: Chicago White Sox

This man is no longer the General Manager of the Chicago White Sox. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Allie Hand Row The Pasta
  2. 3B Chef Keeping Her
  3. RF Ah Luxury O’s
  4. 1B Polk Hone Argo
  5. DH Dad Him Done
  6. LF Die On This E. Eight O.
  7. SS Alex E. Ram Ears
  8. C Ty Lerph Hours
  9. 2B Gourd N. Beggam

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Crystale
  2. Jay Cap Heavy
  3. Gave In Floyd
  4. Hose A. Kin Tata
  5. D. Land Axel Rod

CLOSER: Add Is On Red

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Yay, Jeff Keppinger.

Cheap extension for Chris Sale,

Not much else. Boring.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Chris Sale

  • Ever been on one of those crazy roller coasters that twists, turns, drops, and dives? You scream and you shout as your stomach flops itself over. Ring a bell? It’s just like watching Chris Sale’s elbow as he throws his 45th slider of the game. It’s hard to watch, like The State of The Union or “Friends”. It’s not just his absurd delivery and arm action that’s nauseating; he looks severely malnourished as well. Everything about Sale when he’s on the bump is skeevy and weird. The worst part is, he’s really freakin’ good. So you kinda have to watch. Until his arm goes boom. It’s hard to believe it hasn’t happened yet. You would think all it would take would be reaching over a little too quickly to hit the Snooze button on his alarm clock. Anyway, here’s what we mean:

***

State of the Farm: 

Outfielder Courtney Hawkins has near elite raw power and about 93% of the athleticism in this entire system. He’s a great athlete for his size, and projects as a well above average right fielder if it all comes together. He flew through the minors as a 19 year old in his first pro season, finishing 2012 at High-A Winston-Salem. He won’t be moving at that pace for this upcoming season, but he’s the one prospect in this system really worth keeping an eye on. The rest is…well, not pretty. There’s the scattered and unrefined toolbox known as Trayce Thompson, as well as the insanely large and equally raw first baseman Keon Barnum. They’ve got some semi interesting arms in Scott Snodgress and Brazilian Andre Rienzo, but nothing that projects anywhere close to the top half of a major league rotation. Hawkins is exciting, but this system is dull, dry and derpy as hell.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Yelmison Peralta
  • RHP Storm Throne
  • RHP Euclides Leyer
  • C Joxelier Garcia
  • 2B Justin Jirschele
  • 3B Rangel Ravelo
  • OF Yoandy Barroso
  • OF Kale Kiser

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Courtney Hawkins doing a backflip.

***

Predictions:

  • Ozzie Guillen returns with a vengeance and attempts to eject Robin Ventura during one of his many mound visits during a Gavin Floyd start.
  • Adam Dunn becomes a vegetarian and loses 100 lbs; he steals 25 bases after the All-Star break.
  • Chris Sale realizes he’s a righty and starts throwing normally
  • Hawk Harrelson looks up, puts it on the board, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssss.
  • The White Sox realize what the term “farm system” means and sell all their chicken farms. They use the profits for player development, finally.
  • With the 17th pick in the 2013 Amateur Draft, Kenny Williams will rip the phone from Rick Hahn and tell Bud Selig that the White Sox are drafting his pet dog in order to save money.

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