2013 Season Preview: San Diego Padres

Clayton Richard: Pitcher, Quarterback, Nazi Sympathizer.

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PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. SS Have Breath Crab Hear
  2. 2B Gergerker
  3. 3B Cheese Shed Lee
  4. 1B Yawn Dora Lawn Zone
  5. RF Carl O’Squintin
  6. LF Wheel Van Able
  7. CF Came Around Maybe
  8. C Nig Hunt Lee

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Eddy’s Son Volt Quiz
  2. Clay Toner Chard
  3. Jay Sewn Mark Kiss
  4. A Rick Stilts
  5. Ties On Rots

CLOSER: Houston’s Teet

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

They didn’t do much.

No extension for Headley.

Time for Jedd Gyorko!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Cameron Maybin

  • Waiting for Cameron Maybin to break out is taking longer than a hotel buffet with a bunch of fat, pushy Israelis. His tools are as mouthwatering as the Danish that stands before me, but whether or not I can actualize putting the Danish in my mouth is unknown. We are still talking about Cameron Danish… I mean Maybin right? 

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State of the Farm:

They’ve got a CFB favorite in catcher Austin Hedges, who is lauded for his elite defensive skills and surprisingly solid bat. He’ll advance to the California League in 2013, where he will most likely put up absurd and misleading offensive numbers that will only make us love him more (if that’s possible). The Padres also have a seemingly endless collection of young arms: Right-handers Matthew Wisler, Joe Ross and Walker Weickel, as well as their top pick in 2012, left hander Max Fried. Max Fried was in the same high school rotation as Lucas Giolito. How is that even fair? Fried boasts one of the better curveballs in the minors already, and is a Jew. Then there’s 6″7 Tayron Guerrero. Reports from the Professor this spring have been slightly intriguing. Outfielder Rymer Liriano will miss the 2013 season due to Tommy John surgery, but his name is Rymer so I expect a full recovery and an exciting return sometime in 2014. It’s a really good system; probably top 5 in the majors. But most importantly, AUSTIN HEDGES.

CLICK ON THIS LINK FOR MORE AUSTIN HEDGES BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T PREACHED HIS GOSPEL ENOUGH. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Yimmi Brasoban
  • RHP Kevin Quackenbush
  • 1B Goose Kallunki
  • 2B Cristofher Martinez
  • 2B Malquiel Brito
  • 2B River Stevens
  • SS Franchy Cordero
  • SS Beamer Weems
  • OF Yorky Diaz
  • OF Franmil Reyes
  • OF Fabel Filpo
  • OF Yeison Acensio

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Max Fried’s Curveball

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Predictions:

  • Chase Headley will continue to be the most underrated overrated player in San Diego.
  • Clayton Richard will continue to support the Third Reich.
  • JERD GERK WERL GERT A LERT ERF HERTS
  • The Padres are going to redefine mediocrity. They will win 81 games, have an even run differential, and get an 85% on their Spanish test. 
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