2013 Season Preview: New York Mess

This is their superstar.


  1. LF Chore Danny Valdez Pin
  2. 2B Dan Elmer Pee
  3. 3B Dave Drite
  4. 1B Hiked Avis
  5. RF Luc Astuta
  6. CF Mar Land Bird
  7. C John Fuck
  8. SS Boobin’ Jihad Ah


  1. Yawn A Than Knees
  2. Dillingy
  3. Mah Turvy
  4. Germy Heifer
  5. Shhh Unmark Em

CLOSER: Bob E. Porn Hell



Worst outfield ever?

Sent Dickey to Blue Jays for

d’Arnaud, Syndergaard.



Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: The Entire Outfield

  • The 2013 New York Mets outfield isn’t a lot of things. They aren’t proven, they aren’t that talented, and frankly they aren’t very good. Nieuwenhuis, Duda, & Baxter sounds more like a dermatology clinic than a major league outfield. But Nieuwenhuis can go get it in center, Duda has a fantastic beard, and Baxter is from Queens. It’s important to remember that these are all things that won’t make them any better at baseball.


State of the Farm:

  •  The Mets certainly did well in the Dickey trade, acquiring arguably the top catching prospect in baseball in Travis d’Arnaud as well as hard throwing right hander/Master Race prototype Noah Syndergaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard. d’Arnaud projects to be average to plus in all facets of his game, and while he probably won’t put up the stupid numbers that he did at Triple-A Las Vegas (333/.380/.595), he should be a very good catcher for a long time, barring any more injuries. This system’s true strength is its abundance of hard throwing righties, lead by future ace Zack Wheeler. Stolen from the Giants for half a year of CarLOLs Beltran, Wheeler has three plus to plus-plus pitches (fastball, curveball, slider) with rapidly improving command. He’s one of the few pitchers in the minors that truly projects as a #1 starter. Then there’s Michael Fulmer, a huge righty who will pitch the entire 2013 season at age 20. He possesses plus-plus velocity to go along with a fairly fantastic slider. He’s probably destined for the bullpen, but Domingo Tapia throws crazy hard. 2011 first rounder Brandon Nimmo was born and raised in Wyoming. They literally don’t play high school baseball in Wyoming. Overall, this system is improved, but far from deep and really lacks any impact bats. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Edioglis Villasmil
  • RHP Flabio Ortega
  • RHP Randinson Suazo
  • RHP Yrelvis Castillo
  • RHP Bladimil Vallejo
  • RHP Doxon Brochero
  • RHP Nabil Crismatt
  • RHP Jhonaiker Rodriguez
  • RHP Wimbert Martinez
  • RHP Rolgenis Blanco
  • RHP Rainy Lara
  • RHP Hansel Robles
  • LHP Mark Cohoon
  • C Nelfi Zapata
  • C Xorge Carrillo
  • 1B Jeyckol De Leon
  • 2B Yeixon Ruiz
  • 2B Yucarybert De La Cruz
  • OF Wuilmer Becerra
  • OF Ysidro Pierre
  • OF Hengelbert Rojas

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Zack Wheeler’s Curveball



  • Before you do anything else, please go look at those prospect names again. YUCARYBERT. 
  • Ike Davis gets hungry and tries to eat the Big Apple in center after going yard.
  • The Mets aren’t as bad as the Marlins, which says nothing at all about the quality of the Mets.
  • Marlon Byrd gets a pet bird and names it Marlon; bird immediately becomes Mets fourth outfielder.

One comment on “2013 Season Preview: New York Mess

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