2013 Season Preview: The The Angels Angels of Anaheim

An Angel From Texas, An Angel From the Outfield, and An Angel From Heaven.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. LF Mic’d Rout
  2. SS E. Rick Eye Bar
  3. 1B All Bird Poo Holes
  4. RF Joe “Shhh” Ham Ill Ton
  5. DH Marked Rumba
  6. 2B How? E. Ken Drick
  7. 3B All Bird O’Kai Ass Poe
  8. C Christ Ian. ETA?
  9. CF Pete R. Bored Jizz

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Jarred Weevil
  2. Siege Ay Will Zaun
  3. Job Lantern
  4. Jays On Vag Us
  5. Tom E. Hands On

CLOSER: Ernie Stove Rear E.

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Here comes Hamilton,

Jesus. No plate discipline.

Vargas is boring.

***

Innards

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Jered Weaver

  • Jered Weaver is very good at pitching. Jared Weaver is not very good at being a normal human being. Here is a picture of his mouth. Lots of room in there. His pitching motion itself skivvies me out a bit. While he might be the guy I want at the front of my rotation, he’s certainly not the guy I’m asking to babysit my kids… if I had kids. Here is a .gif of him freaking the hell out after getting injured: 

***

State of the Farm:

  • The Angels have one good prospect named Kaleb Cowart who can’t even spell Caleb correctly. But the guy can seriously hit, and should stick at third base. They also have Professional Huge Person C.J. Cron, a bat only first baseman with plenty of raw power and equally as much swing and miss. After that, it’s like seventeen 4th starters and the guy they drafted one pick before Mike Trout. Blah. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Aaron Sookee
  • RHP Orangel Arenas
  • LHP Buddy Boshers
  • DH Bladimir Aquino
  • C Anthony Bemboom
  • C Enyelber Vivas
  • C Abel Baker
  • C Jett Bandy
  • SS Caleb Bushyhead
  • OF Ranyelmy Mendoza
  • OF J.B. Shuck

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

3B Kaleb Cowart’s Slider (as a junior in high school)

***

Predictions:

  • Mike Trout doesn’t have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time, like last year. Okay, he might. Actually, yeah, Mike Trout will probably have one of the 25 greatest seasons of all time. Again.
  • Josh Hamilton watches Jason Vargas pitch; loses faith in God.
  • Albert Pujols is traded to the Dodgers and signs a 10 year extension for $500 million dollars.
  • Howie Kendrick contends for a batting title…

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One comment on “2013 Season Preview: The The Angels Angels of Anaheim

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