2013 Season Preview: Tampa Bay Rays

Worth every penny. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Dez Monge Endings
  2. LF Mat Choice
  3. 3B Heaven Lawn Gory Ah
  4. RF Benzo Bris
  5. DH Racist Mullet
  6. SS You Knee Hell Sex Co.  Bar
  7. 1B Chain Sloan Lee
  8. C Hose E’m Oil Ina
  9. 2B Kaylie Jones On

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Day Vid Pries
  2. Germany Hellish Son
  3. My Tamor
  4. Al Licks Cop
  5. Rob Hurt O’Hernia Andies

CLOSER: Fur Nanny Dough Rod Knee

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Brought back the racist.

But hey, they stole Wil Myers!

Way too much pitching.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Evan Longoria

  • He’s just a generally awesome dude who happens to showcase his superhuman abilities every once in a while, as shown above. His lackadaisical batting stance is a joy to watch, and his defensive skillz are remarkable. He, along with Troy Tulowitzki, are incredible baseball players that get hurt too often to maintain the average fan’s belief that they’re elite. But they are. And they were teammates at Long Beach State. How was that even fair?

***

State of the Farm:

  • Well, they robbed Wil Myers, Jake Odorizzi and whatever is left of Mike Montgomery from the Royals. That was a good start. The rest of this system is pretty eh besides two cathedral ceiling arms. Let’s start with who they got from KC. Wil Myers is just an all around great hitting prospect who mashed in Triple-A last year and is ready to go. He’s got easy plus power with a plus hit tool and a great arm in right field. It’s simple, but he’s gonna be a good player for a long time. Jake Odorizzi is a righty with a solid collection of four average to plus pitches. He doesn’t have the sexy ceiling some once thought, but he should stick around in the back end of a rotation for a long time. Mike Montgomery used to be the Royals’ top prospect but has completely lost a lot of his plus-plus velocity as well as any command. He’s a wild card going into 2013 and is most likely going to end up in the bullpen anyway. Chris Archer, acquired in the Matt Garza trade, is a disgustingly sick arm with a nearly criminal slider (that some call the best breaking ball in the minors) and plus-plus velocity from the right side. Most thought he’d be a bullpen arm, but he’s proved capable as a starter thus far and looks to push into the Tampa rotation soon. Taylor Guerrieri, the Rays’ top pick in 2011, has a dangerously dirty fastball/curveball combination with impeccable command. But the fastball velocity has been up and down lately, and needs to stay in the 92-94 range for him to really be dominant. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Jhefferson Hurtado
  • RHP Yonny Chirinos
  • RHP Yomelbin Almonte
  • RHP Kirby Yates
  • LHP Joselito Cano
  • LHP Frehumar Rivas
  • LHP Bruedlin Suero
  • DH Kyeong Kang
  • C Nohisglin Rivero
  • C Jesus Trinidad
  • 1B Iago Januario
  • 2B Adderly Rosa
  • 2B Juniel Querecuto
  • 3B Leopoldo Correa
  • SS Enneider Torres
  • SS Raybell Mella
  • OF Edduin Aray
  • OF Jiminson Natera
  • OF Eskarlin Vasquez

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Taylor Guerrieri’s Curveball

***

Predictions:

  • After getting possessed by Satan, GM Andrew Friedman adds the Devil back into Devil Rays.
  • The Astros switch to the AL heightens the rivalry between Tropicana Field and Minute Maid Park; renamed The Juice Bowl.
  • Ben Zobrist plays all 10 positions in the same game including doggy style.
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