This season’s goal.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. LF Marlin Marty
2. 2B Kneel Whacker
3. CF And Shroom Hick Hutching
4. 3B Paid Row Ovaries
5. 1B Karen Joans
6. C Rust Elm Art Tin
7. RF Trap His Cider
8. SS Clit Barns

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Age Burn It
2. Wand A-Rod Rig Heads
3. James Smack Donald
4. G. Flock
5. G. Fuck Arse Tins

CLOSER: Jay’s Song Really

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OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Jonathan Sanchez?

I don’t know what they’re thinking.

Russell Martin, though.

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INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Andrew McCutchen

• When you cling on to hope in regards to high ceiling centerfield prospects, this is why. Cutch has established himself as one of the most exciting players in baseball. He frolics through the grassy pastures of PNC park with his luscious dreadlocks blowing in the breeze.  

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State of the Farm:

Now we obviously have to be cautious because the Pirates track record of drafting and developing talent is horrendous…but this system is pretty stacked. 22 year old right-hander Gerrit Cole is absolutely everything you want in a pitching prospect; an unquestionably elite fastball that sits in the 97-100 range, a wipeout slider that reaches 92, and an effective change-up that he can throw for strikes in the upper 80’s. He’s THAT power pitcher that you want to build your team around, and he should be ready to go before the end of the 2013 season. Jameson Taillon isn’t far behind. He also possesses a fantastic fastball in the 95-97 range with a hammer curveball that some call the best in the minors. And he’s only 21. Luis Heredia is an 18 year old with a fantastically advanced feel for pitching and the size (6″6, 210) to hold up as a starter throughout his potentially lengthy developmental process. The high-end offensive talent is plentiful as well. Outfielders Josh Bell and Gregory Polanco had opposite seasons in the 2012. The power hitting Bell was injured and lost a lot of his prospect hype that came with signing for 5 million bucks in the second round back in 2011. Polanco shot up prospect lists, showing all five tools and the ability to stick in center field. They, along with infielder Alen Hanson, will look to improve their status as top tier prospects this upcoming season. There is a ton of exciting talent. Let’s hope they don’t screw it up.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Arquimedes Lorenzo
• RHP Luylli Miranda
• RHP Dovydas Neverauskas
• RHP Bryton Trepagnier
• C Deybi Garcia
• C Kawika Emsley-Pai
• 2B Jodaneli Cavajal
• SS D.J. Crumlich
• SS Gift Ngoepe
• SS Enyel Vallejo
• SS Bealyn Chourio
• OF Tito Polo
• OF Yunelky Adames
• OF Yunior Aquiles
• OF Yomifer Polanco

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

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Predictions:

• In an attempt to relate to team history, the Pirates pick up Captain Jack Sparrow off waivers.
• A.J. Burnett gets a tattoo of himself pooping on a Yankee logo.
• The Pirates lose to the Reds in their last game of the season on a Manny Burriss walk-off grand slam in the 17th inning off of emergency pitcher Clint Barmes. They finish 80-82.