2013 Season Preview: Atlanta #BARVES

ALL the Racism

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. SS Anne Drell Towns Him Owns
  2. RF Jay-Z On Wayward
  3. LF Jizz Tin Uptown
  4. 1B Fret E. Flea Man
  5. CF Bee Dre Uptown
  6. C Brine Mackin’
  7. 2B Da Nuggler
  8. 3B Wand Fan Cisco

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Ti Mudson
  2. Christ Meddling
  3. My Camine R.
  4. Palm All Em
  5. Who Leo Tron

CLOSER: Cray Grimble

***

upton cubed

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

The Upton Brothers.

Unfortunately, no Kate.

But Juan Francisco!

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Andrelton Simmons/The Entire Outfield

  • Oh man oh man oh man, so much to love here. Andrelton is a CFB favorite for mostly indescribable reasons, but mainly it’s the fact that he’s the best defensive shortstop in the world already and oh by the way he’s from Curacao and yeah his name is ANDRELTON SIMMONS. 80 grade arm, 80 grade glove, 80 grade smile, 80 grade everything. We love him, and so should you. The 2013 #BARVES outfield is basically that custom team you make in MLB: The Show when you want all the awesome black players except it’s real. Two Uptons and 23 year old Jason Heyward create what is probably the best defensive outfield and the outfield with the highest offensive potential in the entire league. It’s awesome, and even if they under-perform, you’ll gonna wanna have your mlb.tv switched to the Atlanta game as much as possible.  

***

State of the Farm:

  • It’s amazing how little they gave up to get Justin Upton, but that’s not to say they had very much high end talent to give away to begin with. Julio Teheran has seemingly been the top right handed pitching prospect in the minors for years now, but he’s yet to yield exciting major league results. He’s still only 23, and if he can find a passable breaking ball, he can still develop into a number 2 starter at least. Mauricio Cabrera is the arm on the rise in this system, combining plus-plus heavy velocity with an advanced change-up and prototypical size. Christian Bethancourt is a catcher with arguably the best arm strength in the minors. The bat is lagging way behind the defensive wizardry, so he’s got some work to do. J.R. Graham is an undersized righty with a big arsenal and a surprising potential to stick in a rotation despite what looks like a bullpen profile. He’s got a plus-plus fastball and a very good slider to go along with an improving change-up.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Magdiel Avendano
  • RHP Christian Barczykowski
  • RHP Ignacio Geronimo
  • RHP Wirfin Obispo
  • LHP Oriel Caicedo
  • LHP Dimasther Delgado
  • 3B Mike Dodig
  • 3B Juruengelo Tielman
  • OF Iosif Bernal
  • OF Nisandro Cleofa

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

***

Predictions:

  • Andrelton quits halfway through the season to pursue his destined career.
  • Usher writes a song about the entire Braves outfield.
  • Freddie Freeman finally get adopted by that perfect family he’s been waiting for.
  • The #BARVES win the wild card, but are disappointed to learn that it is useless in a game of Uno.
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One comment on “2013 Season Preview: Atlanta #BARVES

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