$2,000,000,000 Smile

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. SS Hand Leroy Mirrors
2. 2B Mar Kill Us
3. CF Mack Hemp
4. 1B Aid Ree Angle Saul Is
5. RF Hand Ray Ether
6. LF Kyle Cough Turd
7. 3B Loose Crews
8. C A Jealous

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Clay Tanker Shaw
2. Zag Cranky
3. Ja Sha’beck It
4. Injun Rue
5. Risk A Poo No

CLOSER: Brain Donnelley Guh

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OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Infinite money.

At least, so far. Who is Puig?

He’s not Bo Jackson.

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INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Matt Kemp

• His beard is perfectly trimmed. His website stylish and innovative. And while his injuries can be crippling, his all around game is absolutely breath taking. He defines the term #newpants. He single handedly stole the show during Bryce Harper’s debut with the most predictable walk-off home run of all time. Matt Kemp has been, is, and always will be a sexy sexy man.

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State of the Farm:

• The Dodgers have a really expensive enormous Cuban named Yasiel Puig who has already earned ludicrous comparisons to Bo Jackson. It’s a lot to dream on, but he’s already shown an ability to hit far beyond what most scouts were expecting from him right outta the gate. RHP Zach Lee could be prepping for the NFL right now, but the Dodger$ gave him 5 million to sign away from the LSU football team and now he’s their top arm. Corey Seager, Kyle’s younger brother, has a lot of offensive potential from a yet to be determined position that most likely won’t be shortstop. The rest of the top tier of this system is a bunch of arms that throw hard and have a lot of refining to do when it comes to their secondary offerings. It’s a middling system with a few upside plays and a lot of role 5 level talent. 

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Edinson Bock
• RHP Wascar Teodo
• RHP Jharel Cotton
• RHP Ralston Cash
• RHP Arismendy Ozoria
• LHP Onelki Garcia
• DH Arce Rodriguez
• 1B O’Koyea Dickson
• 2B Delvis Morales
• 2B Jorlin Chales
• SS Faustino Oguisten
• OF Jorky Infante
• OF Abinaer Soriano
• OF Rutinel Sosa
• OF Yasiel Puig

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over (Yasiel Puig Bat Flip Edition):

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Predictions:

• With so much money to blow, the Dodger$ hop into charity work and make a donation to the Tampa Bay Rays.
• Instead of his usual choice of meat, Yoenis Cespedes roasts a Puig instead.
• The Dodgers finish 2nd in the National League, 5th in the Brandon League, and last in the Justice League.