This is what Jordan looked like while watching the Rockies in 2012. 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Dex Turf Owl Her
2. 2B D’ga Strut Ledge
3. LF Carl O’Saigon Saul Ez
4. SS Toy Tool O’Witzki
5. RF My Caulk A Drier
6. 1B Toe Dell Ton
7. C Will In Row Sorry O
8. 3B Kri Snell Son

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. Yo Lease Joshin
2. Whore Hay D. L. R. Hose Ah
3. One Nische Asshole
4. Jefrances
5. Jong R Land

CLOSER: Rabbi L. Button Cord

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Just gets worse and worse.

Hired a high school coach? Wow.

Why, Jon Garland, why?

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Dexter Fowler

We all love athletic center fielders. Dexter, unlike Cameron Maybin, is actually starting to put it all together. And he switch hits. And his wife is super attractive. And he’s young. And he’s just a fun player to watch. Basically, go read our birthday post for him by clicking here.

***

State of the Farm:

Who is Nolan Arenado? Is he a regular? Is he an all-star? Is he dancer? If he can put together a good season, it doesn’t matter because the Rockies are going to suck regardless. David Dahl has a chance to be a stud, but he’s still years away. We’re just looking forward to repeating “Morning Glory, Trevor Story” over and over and over. Tyler Matzek has the stuff to be a #2 starter, but the command and control of a blind kindergartner. If he can find his control he could get back on the prospect radar, but he could just as easily never make the majors. Chad Bettis is a future reliever with plus-plus velocity, a nasty slider, and an 80 grade injury history. Rosell Herrera is a huge 20 year old switch-hitting “shortstop” with big power from the left side and a questionable defensive profile.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• RHP Johendi Jiminian
• RHP Jhonriz Santana
• RHP Huascar Brazoban
• RHP Vianney Mayo
• RHP Kurt Yacko
• LHP Isaiah Froneberger
• C Hamlet Marte
• 1B Correlle Prime
• 1B Kiel Roling
• 3B Matt Argyropoulos
• OF Raimel Tapia
• OF Kyle Von TungeIn
• OF Delta Cleary Jr.

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

***

Predictions:

• In an attempt to revive the franchise, the Rockies undergo a name change and become the Colorado Purple-Nurples.
• Coors Field gets its own Nickelodeon show titled Humadora the Explorer.
• Due in part to the new Colorado law legalizing recreational marijuana, the Rockies lose over 110 games as no one on the team can remember where they put their glove.