2013 Season Preview: St. Louis Cardinals

Twitter Loves the Cardinals…?

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF Jonge A.
  2. RF Carl O. Svelte Tron
  3. LF Mah Tall E. Day
  4. 1B Al N. Cray
  5. C Audi Air Mo Lina
  6. 3B Mah Tarp Enter
  7. 2B Dan Eldest Calzone
  8. SS Pee T’Coz Ma

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. A Damn Rain Right
  2. High Meager C. Ah
  3. Jay Caw Hest Book
  4. Lanslin
  5. Shell Beam Ill Her

CLOSER: Jay’s Son Moat

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Extended Wainwright.

Also Allen Craig…but why?

They don’t miss Pujols.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Pete Kozma

I’m just gonna leave this here…

***

State of the Farm:

It’s quite simply the best system in the game, and it’s not particularly close. They possess the best pure hitting prospect in the minors in Oscar Taveras. Oscar is a freak with a swing more violent than Bryce Harper and the ability to barrel up any ball even close to the strike zone. The plus raw power has started to show up in games too, making him a legit threat to win batting titles and hit 30 bombs in the near future. Keep Calm and Oscar On. On the pitching side, they’ve got ridiculous arms coming from every direction. Shelby Miller is ready to roll to start the year, with three plus pitches and the ideal body of a major league workhorse. Trevor Rosenthal throws 100 MPH and oh by the way, he can probably start. Carlos Martinez weighs 73 lbs but also throws 100 MPH because Cardinals. Michael Wacha was a steal for St. Louis at the 19th pick of the 2012 draft, and he should be ready to contribute sometime this year with his advanced feel for pitching and excellent change-up. They’re also loaded with high-ceiling lottery ticket arms like Tyrell Jenkins. Second baseman Kolten Wong is ready to hit now and should be replacing Daniel Descalso anyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy minute now. Oh and they also have two very impressive third base prospects in Carson Kelly and Patrick Wisdom because why the hell not? Mozeliak’s got a monster of a farm.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Samuel Tuivailala
  • RHP Fidencio Flores
  • RHP Norge Paredes
  • LHP Max Foody
  • LHP Iden Nazario
  • C Gerwuins Velazco
  • C Steve Bean
  • 1B Jem Argenal
  • 1B Xavier Scruggs
  • 2B Robelys Reyes
  • 2B Breyvic Valera
  • 2B Ildemaro Vargas
  • SS Leobaldo Pina
  • SS Kenneth Peoples-Walls
  • OF Dutch Deol
  • OF Bladimil Franco
  • OF Adron Chambers

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Oscar Taveras Swinging A Baseball Bat

***

Predictions:

  • Shelby Miller reveals to the world that Shelby is indeed a girl’s name and that he, Shelby Miller, is indeed a female.
  • Matt Adams eats something.
  • The dugout at Busch Stadium continues to wreak of Tony LaRussa’s buttsweat.
  • The Cardinals’ prospects come to the major league level to make major league impacts in a major league way. Major. League.
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