2013 Season Preview: Cleveland Indians

$56,000,000 

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF My Kill Bored
  2. SS Ass Dribble Capybara
  3. 2B Jays Honk Penis
  4. RF Hair Gel
  5. C Carl O’Saint Hannah
  6. 1B Mar Cray Knolls
  7. LF My Kill Branchy
  8. 3B Low Knee Chisel Hall
  9. DH Drew’s Tubs

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Jace Tin Masters Hon
  2. Your Bald Hoe Jim Hands
  3. Breath Mayors
  4. Sack Mcrackalackinster
  5. Cots Cat Smear

CLOSER: Crisp Hairs

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Swisher? What a dick.

They robbed D-backs of Bauer.

Haha, Mark Reynolds.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: Mark Reynolds

  • Mark Reynolds is still only 29 years old, but it feels like he’s been striking out in the major leagues at record rates for over a decade. He’s got some of the best raw power on the planet but oh my god did you see the pitch he just swung at ?! It seems almost daily that you find yourself watching the highlights of each game when BAM there’s Mark swinging right over a changeup or BAM there’s Mark fumbling a hard hit ball at third base. He’s a frustrating player in that you know he can do things like this, but then you remember he has LITERALLY STRUCK OUT OVER 1,000 TIMES IN ONLY 3,000 AT BATS. Oh, and he might be blind.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s pretty bad but like, Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor Francisco Lindor. So it’s difficult to really trash this system. Francisco Lindor, if you haven’t heard, is a switch hitting shortstop with a near elite glove who has already made it to High-A at the tender age of 19. In one of the more lopsided trades of the offseason, the Indians acquired right-hander Trevor Bauer from the Diamondbacks. Bauer is a cerebral pitcher with a ridiculous collection of pitches that includes what he calls a REVERSE SLIDER. He is also incredibly entertaining on the Tweeterz. Other than Lindor, they’ve got some bullpen-bound arms in Danny Salazar and Cody Allen, and some intriguing but up-the-middle players in SS/2B Dorssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssys Paulino, 2B Ronny Rodriguez and CF Luigi Rodriguez. It’s a rather uninteresting system after the Magical Unicorn that is Lindor, and the potential frontline starter that they robbed from Arizona in Bauer.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Estevenson Encarnacion
  • RHP Michael Goodnight
  • RHP Antwonie Hubbard
  • 3B Giovanny Urshela
  • SS Dorssys Paulino
  • OF Fidias Soto
  • OF D’vone McClure
  • OF Delvi Cid

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Francisco Lindor Getting His High School Jersey Retired

***

Predictions:

  • Nick Swisher spends his entire contract on hair gel and tobacco
  • Mark Reynolds strikes out all of the times.
  • Terry Francona forgets that he isn’t managing the Red Sox anymore; throws at Mark Reynolds during batting practice.
  • The Tribe are finally punished for their horribly racist logo and are stampeded by an actual tribe of American Indians during their July series at Kansas City.
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