2013 Season Preview: Seattle Mariners



  1. LF My Kills Launders
  2. 3B Kills Eager
  3. DH Ken Reitsma Rallies
  4. RF My Kill M. Horse
  5. 1B Jizz Tins Mocha
  6. C G. Zeus Mt. Arrow
  7. 2B Dust Enact Lee
  8. CF Frank Lingo-Tears
  9. SS Bread Hand, Dry Hand


  1. Feels, Licks Her Nanas
  2. Joe’s And Hers
  3. His Sashimi Wok Yuma
  4. Play Cub Even
  5. Brain Down More

CLOSER: Tom Will Help Some



Felix forever.

That’s all that really matters.

Oh, and Jason Bay.



Player Who Makes Your Innards Tingle With Glee: Felix Hernandez

  • Whether he is the actual best pitcher in the world is somewhat of a debate, but watching King Felix is an experience like no other. He’s Seattle’s heart and soul, and watching him pitch in Safeco with the King’s Court behind him is absolutely breathtaking. It certainly helps that he has one of the most devastating pitches in baseball in his 90 MPH change-up. Felix is now signed with Seattle through the end of this decade, and that just seems right. He has shown an incredible devotion to Seattle throughout his young career and will be there to stay. Also, this happened:

A Perfect Game.


State of the Farm:

  • It’s all about the pitching depth. Taijuan Walker, Danny Hultzen, James Paxton, Brandon Maurer…the list goes on and on. And that’s just the upper levels. All those guys are close to major league ready, while projectable guys like Brazilian lefty Luiz Gohara (WHO WAS BORN IN 1996 ZOMG), is a long way to go. This system also boasts catcher Mike Zunino, who will most likely end up being the all time leader in Home Runs Hit By A Catcher Whose Last Name Starts With A “Z”. He’s solid defensively, and should hit for well above-average power once he reaches Seattle.  

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • RHP Maykel Ynfantes
  • RHP Neritzon Osorio
  • RHP Thyago Vieira
  • RHP Isliexel Gonzalez
  • RHP Jochi Ogando
  • RHP Frankely Brito
  • RHP Mayckol Guaipe
  • RHP Forrest Snow
  • LHP Rusty Shellhorn
  • C Georvic Perez
  • C Wei Wang
  • 1B Jharmidy De Jesus
  • SS Gianfranco Wawoe
  • SS Jhonbaker Morales
  • OF Estarlyn Morales
  • OF Cavan Cahoes
  • OF Raysherel Michel
  • OF Jamodrick McGruder
  • OF Janelfry Zorrilla
  • OF Jabari Blash
  • OF Kalian Sams

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Taijuan Walker’s Curveball



  • After finding themselves 20 games under .500, the Mariners finally set sail and hit the open sea with reckless abandon. 
  • Michael Morse requests a trade after he remembers he is allergic to rain.
  • Dustin Ackley gets a perm and Robert Andino gets happier.
  • Felix leads the Mariners to even more beautiful mediocrity, as he tears the AL a new one…again.


One comment on “2013 Season Preview: Seattle Mariners

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