2013 Season Preview: Detroit Tigers

They gave him all the moneys.

PROJECTED LINEUP:

  1. CF A Stinge Hacks On
  2. RF Tree Hunter
  3. 3B Mick Hell Crab Era
  4. 1B P. Rinse Feel Her
  5. DH Evict Her Martini
  6. LF Anne D. Derps
  7. SS Shaw Neep Her Alter
  8. C Al Licks A Uvula
  9. 2B Hoe Marlin Font A.

PROJECTED ROTATION:

  1. Juspin Derp Land Her
  2. On The Balls Hand Cheese
  3. Rich Porn Seller
  4. Dog Fister
  5. Mask Shirts Her

CLOSER: Kill Folk

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Hey, Torii Hunter.

Gave Justin ALL the moneys.

Still have no closer.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Awkwardly Uncomfortable: Max Scherzer

  • Not totally sure if it’s the fact that

………or if um well oh my god his eyes are terrifying. This mutation combined with an extremely violent delivery just make watching Max pitch an unpleasant experience to say the least.You gotta love the guy, and he’s had great success over the past few season while remaining healthy. But he scares us. And probably you too.

***

State of the Farm:

This is one of the worst systems in baseball. There isn’t much around that. 3B/OF Nick Castellanos is a fantastic hitting prospect who doesn’t care to wear batting gloves most of the time and put on an absolute show at the 2012 Futures Game. RHP Bruce Rondon is 300 pounds and throws insanely hard, sitting in the 98-100 range with ease, with not much clue of where it is going. The Tigers named him the Opening Day closer and then quickly realized that he wouldn’t be there on time for the game on account of fat. He should eventually develop into a dominant bullpen arm, but for now, it’s shaky. Outfielder Steven Moya is 6″7 with legit 80 grade raw power and not a whole lot of other baseball talents but if you want to see a 6″7 human being hit a baseball really far sometimes maybe, you should check out the Florida State League where Moya will be spending most if not all of his 2013 season.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

  • LHP Junior Camaripano
  • LHP Eudis Idrogo
  • LHP Vijandrick Jacobs
  • RHP Janry Obispo
  • RHP Adenson Verastegui
  • RHP Confesor Lara
  • RHP Yorfrank Lopez
  • RHP Montreal Robertson
  • RHP Warwick Saupold
  • C Arvicent Perez
  • 1B Juaner Aguasvivas
  • OF Jhosua Montero
  • OF D.J. Driggers

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

Steven Moya Existing

***

Predictions:

  • The Tigers sell Bruce Rondon bobbleheads that don’t bobble because Bruce Rondon has too much neck fat.
  • Bobby Higginson comes back.
  • The Tigers win enough to make Detroit’s citizens forget that they live in Detroit.
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