Reaction to looking at the Yankees Opening Day lineup

PROJECTED LINEUP:

1. CF Bet Gardener
2. RF Itchy Hoes Sues Sucky
3. 2B Robin’s On Canoe
4. 3B Kiev In You Kill Us
5. DH Trap Us Haven Her
6. LF Bread Hand Botch
7. SS Ed Hard O’Noon Yes
8. 1B Lier Hova Bay
9. C Chrit Tewart

PROJECTED ROTATION:

1. See Sea Say Bath Yah
2. Herky Corrode
3. And Heep Edit
4. Vanonva
5. Dave If Helps

CLOSER: Mary And Hoe Riviera

***

OFF-SEASON HAIKU:

Wow, everyone’s hurt.

Billions on the DL. Ouch.

Haha, no pity.

***

INNARDS

Player Who Makes Your Innards Sad: The Entire Team

• It’s old, expensive, and actually not even that talented anymore. It’s not sad in that anyone feels bad for them, it’s sad in that wow, this is an actual baseball team that is starting Chris Stewart behind the plate and giving Brennan Boesch regular at-bats. There are so many amazing things about Alex Rodriguez’ contract alone that can be mocked, but we won’t go there because oh wait Alex Rodriguez just made $57 that minute you were reading this. I wonder what he’s doing.

***

State of the Farm:

It’s a system that’s somewhere in the middle if you were to rank the organizations 1-30, but it’s not without some potential impact talent. Center fielder Mason Williams has shot up prospect lists in the last few years, combining near elite speed and defense with a surprising aptitude for hitting with an equally surprising amount of raw power. Gary Sanchez is the Yankees next potentially awesome offensive catcher after the Jesus Montero experiment was shipped to Seattle for them to deal with. Sanchez has a substantially better chance to stick at catcher than Montero ever did and has fantastic power potential. Rafael De Paula and Jose Ramirez are big right-handers with short track records and a ton of velocity. Slade Heathcott is a toolsy centerfielder with an extremely troubled past and questionable makeup to go along with it, but the hit tool is really starting to come around and could reach the Bronx by mid 2014.

His Name Is WHAT !? (Prospects with hilariously awesome names)

• LHP Chaz Hebert
• LHP Evan Rutckyj
• LHP Rigoberto Arrebato
• RHP Giovanny Gallegos
• RHP Hershelon Juliana
• RHP Kenedy Agramonte
• RHP Chris Bootcheck
• 1B Saxon Butler
• OF Yeicok Calderon
• OF Mikeson Oliberto
• OF Freite Marte
• OF Barfil Munoz
• OF Wascar Rodriguez
• OF Zoilo Almonte

Prospect .gif to Watch Over and Over:

***

Predictions:

• They all break.
• Brett Gardner becomes a real gardner after getting bored with baseball. The man loves his petunias.
• George Steinbrenner comes back from the grave to take the starting RF position.
• The dynasty nears its end as the Ottomans take over Yankee Stadium.